How (Not) to Write a Fantastic Opening

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Getting the opening right in your book is possibly one of the most important parts of writing your masterpiece. After all, without a gripping, life-changing opening, many readers won’t get to the real meat of your story.

So how do you ensure that you’ve written an epically amazing opening? Fear not, my lovely readers, for the formula to a brilliant opening is here.

How to Write the Most Incredible Opening in the History of Incredible Openings*:

1. Dialogue in the void. Before a single line of description, before any characters are introduced, there must be super stupendously thrilling (or hysterical, or tragic, or snarky, or thought-provoking, or all of the above) dialogue. Forget dialogue tags and action beats—give us the good stuff and skip straight to voices before we know who anyone is, or who is speaking, or even where they are. 


2. Start with an entirely irrelevant prologue. This is where your void dialogue should be—in the epic prologue with elves, and magic spells, and dragons, and that hovercraft bombing everything with super cinematic explosions, and an epically amazing ninja fight, and don’t forget the car chase with really expensive, flashy cars. Oh, you’re writing a YA Contemporary? Use the awesomesmash prologue anyway—it’ll only add to your book’s insane level of genius. 


3. Moral of the story narration. This should be at the end of the irrelevant prologue. After all, no one is going to want to read your book if they don’t know what valuable life-lessons they’re going to learn. Honestly. 


4. Beautiful description. If you don’t have pages upon pages of uninterrupted beautiful literary-styled description, you fail by default.    


5. Introduce no less than fifteen characters…then kill them all off. You know, a la The Iliad. 


6. Delve into every character’s detailed backstory. Before you kill them off, or as a eulogy afterwards, tell us every detail about their lives—from their favorite color to their very first memory, and that time their cat Colonel McMeowsers brought them that dead pigeon. This is the only way to make them feel real. 


7. But don’t mention your protagonist until page ten. Or preferably later. You have a lot of ground to cover before you even begin to tell us who the story is about. 


8. When you do get to your protagonist, start at the beginning of their average day. I mean, how he brushes his teeth (clockwise or counterclockwise circles? Up and down? SIDE TO SIDE?), and what kind of brush he uses to brush his hair, and what his favorite cereal is is totally fascinating stuff.


9. Tell everything (and don’t show anything). Jimmy is angry when he hits his alarm clock. He doesn’t know why he’s angry. Maybe it’s because the bristles on his tooth brush are too hard, or maybe it’s because his mother left three days after his second birthday and that ridiculous chihuahua bit his pinky finger when he was four. He stares into the mirror while brushing in counterclockwise circles and stares into his gorgeous green eyes. Coincidentally, green happens to be his favorite color. He’s very attractive, but he doesn’t really think so. Some girls say his wavy dark locks framing his face make him look handsome, but they just remind him of his mother.
   
   Jimmy loves Cap’n Crunch cereal. 


10. Author foreshadowing. Because who doesn’t love the disembodied voice telling us what’s going to happen? For example:
    
    But what Jimmy didn’t know was that this would be the best day of his life, and also the day he died. All because of that Cap’n Crunch. 

So there you have it! Now go forth and awesomize your opening.

*This is another sarcastic post! I beg you not to take these points seriously and please don’t use any of these suggestions. Please.

What so-called “tips” would you add to the list? 

Twitter-sized bites:

Do you have trouble writing openings? Here's a fun post from writer @Ava_Jae on ten ways (not) to open your book. (Click to tweet)

Getting your MS's opening right is very important, so writer @Ava_Jae shares 10 ways (not) to write a great opening. (Click to tweet) 

How (Not) to Support Your Favorite Authors

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I often talk about the writing aspect of the publishing world here at Writability, but today I’d like to do something a little different.

Today, I want to talk about readers. More specifically, the steps readers can take to be the most supportive, stupendously amazing fans in the history of absolutely 100% incredible fans. That’s a long title. We’ll call it MSSAFHA1IF because abbreviations are all the rage. 

Being the MSSAFHA1IF is easy! All you need to do is follow these seven easy steps, and you’ll be well on your way to being your favorite author’s best friend. 

How to be the MSSAFHA1IF (AKA: Most Awesomest Fan Ever to the Power of Infinity)*

1. Illegally download their books. Who pays for ANYTHING nowadays? Besides, authors love it when you get their books for free, particularly when it’s through super-secret free channels. 


2. Never leave reviews. I mean, it’s not like anyone actually reads book reviews, anyway.  


3. Don’t tell anyone about what you’re reading. If they don’t already know about the awesome book you’re reading, then they don’t deserve to read it. Guard the knowledge of your precious with your life. 


4. Be rude at author events. You know, refuse to leave the table when you get up there to sign, don’t actually buy a book, take loads of pictures and tell the other fans that they’re going to have to wait to get their book signed because the author loves you more than them.


5. Be unenthusiastic when asked about their books. Being excited isn’t cool. When someone asks you if you liked a book, the last thing you want is to scare them away with your epic nerd factor. Instead, just give a noncommittal shrug and a “meh.” 


6. Never reach out to the author. Authors don’t need your approval—they already know how awesome they are. 


7. Don’t read their books in public. What if you drop the book in a puddle? Or forget it on a bus? Or lose it in a spontaneous fire? Or get food on it at that restaurant? Or spill coffee on it at Starbucks? The outside world is far too dangerous for books, and besides, you’re supposed to be protecting the knowledge of your precious, remember? 

*It’s sarcastic post day, again! Yay! Don’t do these things. Please. You’ll only break the hearts of every author ever. 

Are you an awesome fan? What so-called steps would you add to the list? 

Twitter-sized bites: 

Do you enjoy reading? Have a favorite author? Here are seven easy steps to (not) being a fantastic fan. (Click to tweet)

Are you a book lover? Here are seven steps to making your favorite author very (un)happy. (Click to tweet) 

How (Not) to Write a Blog Post

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1. Open up a Pages/Word/TextPad/Whatever document. 
2. Stare at the screen for a minimum of thirty minutes. 
3. Scroll through your Twitter stream to look for “inspiration.” *wink wink* 
4. Check your e-mail. And tumblr. And Facebook. 
5. Open up that blank document again. 
6. Realize you’re hungry and eat breakfast.
1. Watch the newest episode of Project Runway while eating breakfast. 
2. Get totally distracted and watch the full hour-long episode instead of just fifteen minutes like you planned.
7. Stare at that blank document for another fifteen minutes while internally brainstorming some blog post ideas. 
8. Start daydreaming about the ending of that Project Runway episode, instead. 
9. Remember that reading is awesome inspiration and pick up a book. 
10. Read ten chapters before realizing that you still haven’t written that post. 
11. Read one more chapter. 
12. Just one more. 
13. Okay, THIS is the last one, I swear.
14. Wait. The author KILLED OFF YOUR FAVORITE CHARACTER? Throw the book aside and sit down in front of that blog post again. 
15. Stare for another ten minutes. 
16. Remember you haven’t done laundry in too long and get that done. 
17. Oh, and you really should do those dishes while you’re at it. 
18. Is that a spot on the counter? Maybe you should clean that, too. 
19. Sit down at your computer and actually start brainstorming for that blog post. 
20. Oh look! Your CP sent you another chapter. Time for reading! 
21. You’re hungry again. You can’t really be expected to write a decent blog post on an empty stomach, can you? Eat lunch. 
22. Realize that a new episode of Vikings is on Hulu, too. Watch that as you eat. 
23. This episode is ridiculously good and there’s only another half hour left. What’s another half hour? Finish the episode. 
24. Rage about the end of the episode as you sit down to write that post again. 
25. Your phone is ringing. You should get that. 
26. Talk to your grandma for five minutes. Act surprised when those five minutes turns into an hour. 
27. Open up that document and put it in fullscreen mode. You’re getting serious now. It’s time to actually write this darned post. 
28. Stare. 
29. Stare.
30. Stare.
31. Stare. 
32. Get frustrated and write a post about how not to write a blog post. 

...Wait. 

How (Not) to Win a Twitter Pitch Fest

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Some of you lovely writers may have heard that there's going to be another Twitter pitch fest on Friday (3/29/13) under the hashtag #PitMad. Basically, if you're querying, or ready to start querying, you should most definitely participate (and here's why).

Naturally many of you are probably antsy about Friday’s Twitter fest, and so I thought it only appropriate to share ten easy steps to making every agent and editor who trolls the #PitMad feed instantly want to request your full manuscript. So without further ado:

How to Make Everyone Want Your Full Manuscript*

1. Ignore the rules. Rules are for people who aren't creative enough to break out of the box. How will can you ever expect to stand out if you follow the rules? No, you need to make your own rules. For example...


2. Send the agents your pitch directly by @ mentioning them even when they don't ask for it. This includes agents on Twitter who aren't even participating. Twitter pitch fests are all about being noticed, and what better way to get your pitch noticed then by sending it directly to your dream agent? After all, every agent LOVES Twitter queries—it’s a fact. 


3. Spam the hashtag. When there are a lot of participants in an event like a Twitter pitch fest, you sometimes have to use a little elbow to really be seen. Posting your pitch any less than a dozen times an hour will doom you to being drowned out by the other participants, and we can't have that. 


4. Bash the other writers. Save the agents the pain of looking at anyone else's work—all they need to see is your masterpiece. In fact, they should probably just stop reading altogether because nothing else will ever stand up to your work. 


5. Retweet your pitch repeatedly. Writing your pitch twelve times an hour really isn't enough—retweet those pitches until you can retweet no more!


6. Spread your pitch over ten tweets. Remember what I said about breaking the rules? While all those other silly writers are trying to fit their pitch into 140 characters, you can take advantage of all the characters you need to express the true awesomeness of your book. Take that, boring rule-followers! 


7. Write your pitch in all caps. YOU WANT PEOPLE TO READ IT, DON'T YOU? 


8. Pitch a book you haven't finished writing. Hell, pitch a book you haven't started writing. That way, when everyone is throwing publishing contracts at you, you'll be way ahead of the game. 


9. Use a quote from your book instead of a pitch. You know what? Pitches are overrated. Quotes, on the other hand...


10. Forget the pitch—just tell everyone how awesome your book is. That's all they really need to know, anyway. 

*Did I say "everyone"? I meant "no one." This is a sarcastic post, please don't do these things. It will not bring you success and joy, I promise.

Are you participating on Friday? If so, good luck! What so-called tips would you add to the list?

How (Not) to Write the Perfect Query Letter (Part 2)

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Nearly a year ago I shared some golden advice on how to write the best query letter in the history of awesome query letters. Luckily for all of you reading this post, the query letter gods have imbued me with query masterpiece mana and I’m a generous person.

So.

How to Write the Perfect Query Letter (Part 2)*:

1. Drown them in rhetorical questions. Agents love rhetorical questions—they live for them. Ask them questions that will make them want to jump out of their seat and scream, YES, GOD YES.
   
   Here’s one guaranteed to work: Don’t you want to represent a fiction novel that will make you bajillions? (I mean, you just can’t say no to that. It’s impossible). 


2. Bribery. The only thing agents love more than rhetorical questions is chocolate. Just sayin.


3. Don’t take no for an answer. Got a form rejection letter? Don’t let that get you down—send your query again! Send it enough times and they’ll have to represent you if only to shut you up.


4. Pretty fonts are pretty. Pretty colors are pretty too and the best way to distract the agent from your query is with beautiful, hypnotic colors that make them stare at the shiny. (Agents love shiny). 


5. No shorter than ten pages. Let’s face it—you’re a writer and writing is what you do. Writing a query letter any shorter than ten pages is completely selling yourself short. You have a lot to say! How else can you expect to sell your novel? 


6. Let them know it’s a temporary offer. Nothing makes agents want to represent you faster than knowing they’re on a clock. 


7. Stamp your copyright everywhere. And it doesn’t hurt to slip your lawyer’s name in there. 


8. Talk about how wonderful you are. I mean, you have ten pages, so you might as well use them to talk yourself up. And what better way to let them know how wonderful you are to work with than to go on and on about your awesomeness? 


9. Query before you’ve finished writing. That way by the time you’ve finished your book, you’ll be all set for publishing. 


10. Make sure they know how stupid they’d be not to take your project. Just in case they missed the part about becoming a bajillionaire from your rhetorical question. 

*This post is sarcastic! As in not meant to be taken seriously. As in don’t do these things PLEASE.

I obviously haven’t covered all of the secrets to query letter gold, so now it’s your turn: what "tips" would you add to the list? 

How (Not) to Write Like a Master

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All writers strive to one day reach the literary level of the greats: Hemingway, Rowling, King, Tolkien, regardless of who your writing role model is, we all hope to be considered great writers.

Becoming a great writer, however, takes years of dedication, hard work, writing and writing. So for those of us interested in fast tracking our way to writerly stardom, here are a few shortcuts. As long as you don’t skip any, you’ll be well on your way to millions:

How to Write as Well as Hemingway, King or Rowling* 

Beginnings: 

1. Irrelevant prologues. Prologues are the time to trick your readers into believing that they’re going to be reading about something entirely different from your actual WIP. Drone on about a character mentioned once on page 146, or throw in a high-speed car chase to your medieval fantasy novel for fun. It’s not like anyone actually reads them, anyway. 


2. Long, arduous descriptions. Describe everything with meticulous detail. At least a page each should be dedicated to the color of the sky, the kind of trees outside, the animals going about their business and the exact physical description of every character (important and not), down to the shape of their eyebrows. 


3. Itemization of your protagonist’s every move. Brushing teeth, tweezing eyebrows, shaving, preparing breakfast, choosing clothes—everything is relevant. After all, how are readers supposed to believe your characters are real if they don’t know their everyday routine? 

Middles: 

1. Steal clichés. The calm before the storm. Cute as a button. Tongue-in-cheek. Wakeup call. These phrases are popular because they are the essence of writing genius. Use as many as you can possibly squeeze into your writing, in fact go here and here to find more and use them all. 


2. Uniform sentences. This one is a bit tricky, but essential nonetheless: every sentence must have the same amount of words. There are absolutely positively no exceptions to this rule, and the longer they are the better the sentence. Trust me on this because it’s the only way to truly hone the essence of sentence writing skills. 


3. Impressive vocabulary. As a writer, it’s your duty to show the world the depths of your carefully honed vocabulary. Your characters don’t think—they surmise; nor do they speak—they pontificate. Use that hard-earned vocabulary so your readers may be awed at your superior intellect. 

Endings: 

1. Monologuing villains. If your villain doesn’t have a five-page monologue in which he explicates the full details of his diabolical plot, you’re not doing it right. 


2. Kill everyone. It’s how Shakespeare ended everything, and he’s a literary genius, so... 


3. Inception. Was the whole novel a dream or reality? If you did your job correctly, your readers will never know. 


4. The end...or is it? Don’t tie off loose ends—you’re just destroying future possibilities for sequels and series continuations. The more questions your readers have at the end of your book, the more likely they are to continue the series to find answers. 

With these simple steps, you’ll have your name permanently etched in the literary hall of fame in no time. You’re welcome.

*There are no shortcuts to becoming a great writer. This is a sarcastic post and none of these points are meant to be taken seriously. In fact, it’d probably be best if you avoided every one of those so-called shortcuts.

What so-called shortcuts do you have for writing like the masters?

How (Not) to Finish Writing a First Draft

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Seeing how it's the end of November, and many of you are likely racing to the end of those 50,000 NaNoWriMo words (or at least, trying to get there), I thought it a particularly fitting to talk about first draft writing —specifically, finishing that first draft.

The first draft is the major building block of your novel —without it, you have little to work off of while attempting to write a cohesive and memorable story. But writing a first draft isn't always as simple as we writers might have hoped—and especially not when you're trying to complete the first 50,000 words in a month, as NaNoWriMo participants are.

So whether you're attempting to complete a NaNoWriMo novel this week or else just working on a first draft at your own pace, here are eight foolproof tips to completing the best first draft in the history of first drafts.

How to Absolutely, Positively Finish Writing that Fabulous First Draft (With or Without NaNoWriMo)*

1. Write in front of the television. The television is the purest source of inspiration for writers in the universe. To truly harness those golden words for your masterpiece of a novel, make sure you always write while watching something on TV—the trashier, the better (Jersey Shore and Real Housewives of wherever are particularly effective). As an added bonus, when you inevitably hit writer's block, you already have something to distract you from the sorrows of not being able to write. 


2. Only write when you feel like it. Because let's be honest—it's just not nearly as fun to write when you'd rather be doing other things. 


3. Write only once a day (if that). I mean, you have other things you should be doing too, don't you? Plus you don't want to tire yourself out and risk writer burn-out. 


4. Follow the shiny ideas! You know those magical, sparkly ideas that hit you while you're neck-deep in your novel? Those are direct downloads from the writing gods. Heed them or suffer their wrath. 


5. Pants absolutely every detail. You should know absolutely nothing about what's coming next in your novel —even your next sentence should be a surprise to you. Even the slightest bit of pre-planning will turn your writing into a dull, dead experience. 


6. Edit constantly. There's little point in writing a first draft if it's tens of thousands of words of complete and utter nonsense. Perfection is the goal in the first draft of every novel you write —no exceptions (not even NaNoWriMo). In fact... 


7. Start every writing session by reading your full novel up to that point. Do this every single time you sit down to write, so that you have your story fresh in your mind while beginning to write. And if you run out of time while re-reading? Well, at least you know what's going on in your story, which is half the battle, right? Right. 


8. When in doubt, make everything a dream and start over. Hey, if you do it enough times, it'll be like Inception. And that was massively popular, so why not? 

*Sarcasm alert! These are not actual tips, nor are they meant to be taken seriously. There is a parenthetical in the title of this post for a reason (and it's not just because it looks pretty).

Those are my "tips"—now it's your turn! What so-called tips would you add to the list?

How (Not) to Be an Awesome Critique Partner

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So we all know the importance of having a critique partner and how to choose a great one to work with, but now it's time to take a look at the other side of critiquing, namely, being the most incredible critique partner in the history of critique partners.

Where to begin? Well, it's simple, really: just follow these steps and you'll make writing history with your critiquing prowess.

How to Be the Most Incredible Critique Partner Ever*

1. Deadlines? What deadlines? Many times you and your new critique partner will work out a timeframe for how long you have to critique each other's work. Go ahead and agree to whatever they want, but don't stress about actually delivering on time—they'll want your critique so bad it won't matter if you deliver it in a timely fashion. 


2. Be super nice. Awesome critique partners don't hurt each other's feelings, so make sure you find something that you like on every page and go on and on about how wonderful it is and what incredible writers they are. This will also force them to be nice to you during their critique of your work. 


3. Or don't say anything at all. Sometimes the writing is so bad that you can't find anything you like—it all needs major revisions. When that happens, just leave a "no comment" note at the bottom. You know what they say, if you can't be nice... 


4. Or destroy them. Sometimes the writing is so good that you can't find anything bad—this is when you force yourself to find something bad on every page and rip it to shreds. Make sure they're so discouraged by your critique that they'll never attempt to publish it, because if they do, you're going to have some major competition. Kill the WIP! Kill it with fire! 


5. Be concise. Regardless of whether or not you decide to be nice, make sure your critique is as short and simple as possible. Responses like "cool" and "bad" and "nice" are ideal. Bonus points if you do your entire critique with smiley faces. :) :( ^_^ O.O >.< XD >:( 


6. Don't be too helpful. You don't want them to make their work too good—after all, everyone is your competition. 


7. Compare everything to your work. Your masterpiece is the gold standard—leave comments like, "Remember how I wrote x scene in my manuscript? Write it like that." 


8. Have someone else critique it. You have better things to do than critique people's work, anyway. 


9. Offer to write their WIP for them. Honestly, why are you even wasting your time critiquing their work? You could write it so much better. 


10. Why do you even need a critique partner, anyway? Your work is absolutely incredible—why did you waste your time with a critique partner? Why are you wasting your time looking at someone else's work? And why are you not getting paid yet? 

*This is another sarcastic post—as in, for the love of all things literary, please do not take these points seriously! Promise? Good.

Now it's your turn: what "tips" would you add for being a fabulous critique partner?

How (Not) to Be a NaNoWriMo Champ

Photo credit: rachel a. k. on Flickr

With the excitement for NaNoWriMo surrounding the writing world, and preparations for thirty days of mad writing beginning, many of you wonderful writers are probably now wondering what it takes to be a NaNoWriMo winner, so you can win some fantastic prizes and have 50,000 new words two months from now.

So without further ado, I present to you the infallible keys to becoming a NaNoWriMo champ.

Ten Foolproof Secrets to Winning NaNoWriMo*

1. Don't come up with your new WIP idea until November 1st. Where's the fun in knowing what you're going to write about beforehand? 


2. Don't think about daily word count goals. Those are for amateurs who strangle themselves with over planning and actually try to write every day (I mean really, who writes every day? Yeesh). 


3. Write only when you feel inspired. You don't want to waste your precious time writing uninspired (and thus, uninspiring) junk, do you? I didn't think so. You writing should be beautiful and life-changing, but that kind of genius only comes when you're inspired. 


4. Listen to inspiring music like Pavarotti and Gangnam Style all month long. Preferably on a constant loop. 


5. If you don't like it—rewrite it. It doesn't matter if you have to rewrite it a hundred times before you move on to the next chapter, just make sure it's perfect the first time around. Otherwise you'll have to edit later, and you're too talented for editing. 


6. Live off of Starbucks and/or Red Bull. And nothing else. This is the food of the gods. Don't corrupt your body with non-writerly foods like fruits and—*shudder*—vegetables. 


7. Ignore the other writers. It's National Novel Writing Month not National Make Friends With Everyone Who is Writing a Novel Month. 


8. Choose every word carefully. Remember, while everyone else is pounding out 50,000 words that they'll have to rewrite later, you're writing a masterpiece. 


9. Polish, polish, polish. It has to be PERFECT. The essence of perfection, these words. 


10. When you realize your writing is terrible—start over. Don't settle for anything less than writing deserving of the Nobel Prize. If that means starting from scratch, so be it. Everyone else may have 50,000 words at the end of the month, but you'll have the beginnings of the book that's going to make you a millionaire. 

*Like the rest of my How (Not) to posts, these "tips" are not meant to be taken seriously. If you do the opposite of most of these things, I'm sure you'll do just fine during NaNo. Good luck!

Now it's your turn: what so-called "tips" would you add to the list?

How (Not) to Get an Agent

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If you've been interested in this writing thing for longer than a couple of weeks, chances are you know that the avenue to traditional publishing 9/10 times is through a literary agent. A good literary agent is the writer's advocate, the person who deciphers those confusing contracts filled with legal terms most of us are not equipped to understand, your beta reader, cheerleader, etc. It's easy to understand why writers interested in getting published traditionally work so hard to get an agent's attention, and ultimately, representation.

But getting a literary agent is no easy feat--it's not uncommon for a writer to spend years working on manuscript after manuscript before writing the one that garners enough attention to get an agent to utter the magical words that go along the lines of "I would love to represent you."

So without further ado, I present to you the ten secrets to getting a literary agent to represent you.

10 Guaranteed Ways to Get a Literary Agent*

1. Cyberstalking. The very first step towards researching agents is to hone your cyberstalking skills--follow your prospective agent on every social media profile possible (even ones you don't already have or haven’t used in ages--hello, Myspace). Don't even think about beginning the query process until you know where the agent lives, the name of his cat, her birthday, favorite food, and, of course, where he graduated high school. You'll want to incorporate all of the above into your story, so they feel right at home reading your manuscript.


2. Write the perfect query letter. Everything you need to know about writing the golden query letter can be found in this post, but beware: once you send that baby out, you better be prepared for an onslaught of calls from agents dying to get their hands on your work. It’ll be a bloodbath. Don't say I didn't warn you.


3. Ignore the agency's submission guidelines. Those are for people who don't know how to think outside the box. You're a literary genius. You don't need silly submission guidelines.


4. Send your query letters to agents who don't represent your genre. It won't matter that they don't represent your genre when they see how incredible your query letter is. They won't be able to resist--you're the type of genius that only comes around once in an agent's career. Send your query letter regardless of represented genres.


5. Bribery. Since you're going to be sending out those query letters en masse, you better stock up on the chocolate. Agents love chocolate more than mice love cheese. It also helps if you tuck a few Benjamins in there, too.


6. Be the squeaky wheel. Once you've sent your query letter, it's time to pull out those phone numbers and call the agencies up to make sure they've received your letter. If they haven't, you'll be doing them a favor by telling them to clear their schedules and prepare for your epic query letter, and if they have, chances are they were about to call you anyway. If you can't get answers --keep calling. As they say, the squeaky wheel gets the grease, so start squeaking.


7. Promise them glory. Sometimes when agents come across incredible query letters, they're taken aback by the sheer awesomeness of the letter. If you haven't heard back from your prospective agent within 24 hours of sending your query letter, chances are they're in shock that someone as talented and incredible as you drafted up such an incredible letter and sent it to them. Call them up or send them a second e-mail to let them know how successful they're going to be after they represent you to seal the deal.


8. Create a blog dedicated solely to bashing bad agents and books. These rage blogs are immensely popular with agents--they show that you're educated about the literary world, have tact and good taste. As a bonus, you'll make them feel better about themselves because you're a famous rage blogger and you chose to query them.


9. Create a Twitter account for your rage blog. The nice thing about Twitter is you can mention the bad agents you're talking about when you tell your millions of Twitter followers about your posts. As a bonus, the other agents will see your insightful posts on their feed (because they'd be crazy not to follow you).


10. Don't write a book. Don't write anything except fabulous query letters about the books you're going to write, for that matter. Attract your agents with your genius, charm, personality and chocolate. Then, once you have one representing you, you can focus on writing that masterpiece without worrying about writing a book that might not get published.

*This is a sarcastic post! Please, please, please, PLEASE don't do these things, ok? Pinky promise?

Now it's your turn: what "tips" do you have for getting an agent?

How (Not) to Be a Brilliant Writer

Photo credit: 401 (K) 2012 on Flickr

If you watch movies, you know that being a writer is an easy way to make piles and piles of money, so it's only natural that you want to be a writer. Luckily, you found this post, and by the end of these ten easy steps you'll be well on your way to becoming the Shakespeare of our time.

How to Be an Incredible, Awe-Inspiring Writer Swimming in Bundles of Cash*

1. Dream up the Golden Book Idea. The easiest way to come up with the idea that's going to make you richer than the Queen of England is to take previously successful books and mash them together. Twilight meets The Hunger Games meets Harry Potter meets Eat, Pray, Love. Star Wars meets Eragon meets Anne of Green Gables meets The Vampire Diaries meets The Notebook. The Lord of the Rings meets The Little Prince meets The Da Vinci Code meets The Very Hungry Caterpillar meets The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. You get the idea.


2. Tell everyone about your brilliant novel. You'll also want to start calling literary agents at this stage. It's only fair that you give them the heads up that something that's about to change the literary world forever is in the works.


3. Don't read. Reading is a waste of time and will only pollute your incredible writing skills. Don't even read the dictionary. Remember—you're a writer, not a reader.


4. Talk to everyone about the trash corrupting the literary market these days. Not only will this make you sound like a knowledgeable writer, but you'll save hundreds of people from reading junk while they're waiting for your masterpiece to be released.


5. Sit in coffee shops with your laptop. This is the essence of being a writer. Enjoy your coffee and pretend to be hard at work—one day people will marvel at the fact that they sat in the same room as you as you worked on the writing that changed their lives.


6. Write only at the peak of your inspiration. If the muse isn't in it, you'll only write junk, which is a waste of everyone's time. Instead, enjoy the coffee smell and wait for the muse to impart the glittering, golden words that will make your writing so beautiful that readers will cry when they read it (but not you, because you're not a reader).


7. Use big, flowery words. Simple writing is for the weak-minded. You can't change the world with your writing with plain Jane words. This is why Shakespeare made up so many new words while penning his masterpieces.


8. Tweet about your writing every five minutes. This will not only prove to your followers that you actually write, but it'll make you instantly popular with other writers once you start telling them how game-changing your work is. Also, don't forget to use big words.


9. Don't show anyone your work before it's published. Don't even show your mother—the temptation to plagiarize such beautiful writing will be too great. And who can blame them? You're the greatest writer to be born in centuries.


10. Create a catch phrase. You're going to be a famous writer one day, so people will be quoting you all the time. Now is a great time to create a catch phrase, something that people will remember you by, something like, "I write beautifully, because the golden essence of the writer is within me" or something mature and thoughtful like, "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful, hate me because I write better than you."

Now go forth and write, my budding, master novelists! I'll be waiting for your brilliant writing to hit the shelves.

*= Why yes, this is a sarcastic post! Please don't take any of this seriously—and for the love of all things literary, do not do these things (except maybe make a catch phrase. You know. If you want).!


Now it's your turn: what so-called "tips" would you add to the list?

How (Not) to Write Dialogue

Photo credit: theilr on Flickr

For whatever reason, I haven’t written much about dialogue on this blog, something that I realized must be remedied sooner rather than later. And so this post was born.

As many of you know, dialogue makes a huge impact on your writing—stilted dialogue can very easily ruin an otherwise well-written scene, while lines of great dialogue are often quoted by readers as their favorite lines from the book. But how do you ensure that you’ve written brilliant dialogue? The secrets to brilliance, my friends, are here.

How to Write Brilliantly Fantastic Dialogue That Will Leave Your Readers Clamoring for More*

1. Make sure your characters always address each other. As your readers can’t see that your characters speaking to each other (you’re not writing a screenplay for a movie—you’re writing a book), it’s very easy for them to become confused. Who is speaking to whom? The quickest way to remedy this is to make sure your characters address each other, like so:
   
   “Hello Bob, how are you doing?”
   “I’m doing very well, Mary, and yourself?”
   “I couldn’t be better, Bob!
   “That’s wonderful, Mary.”
   “Isn’t it, Bob?”
   “Truly, it is, Mary.”
   
   And so on.


2. Never use “said.” “Said” is about the most clichéd word in the English dictionary and must be avoided at all costs, unless you want to bore your readers to death. Besides, why would you use “said” when there are dozens of more interesting words like “remarked,” “declared,” “divulged,” “avowed,” and “proclaimed”? You wouldn’t. That’d just be silly.


3. In fact, forget dialogue tags altogether. Who really uses dialogue tags anymore, anyway? All they do is weigh down your writing with unnecessary words. Besides, your readers will know who is speaking to who since all of your characters are addressing each other in every line.


4. Quotation marks are cliché. Use italics to differentiate your dialogue from the rest of the writing. It looks much prettier.


5. No cussing. There are NO circumstances when it’s ok for your characters to curse—it’s very ugly and few things will chase your readers away faster than cursing characters. Instead, use substitute words like “fairy poo,” “fiddlesticks” and “shish kabobs” to save your readers’ innocence.


6. Formal speech is a must. If your characters don’t sound like they came out of a work of Shakespeare, you aren’t doing it right.


7. Write out accents. How are your readers supposed to remember all of the various accents your characters have if you don’t sound them out? Hope y’all err havin’ a fantaaaastic day! looks much better than “Hope y’all are having a fantastic day, she said with a Southern accent.”


8. Use as much punctuation as possible. Case and point: WHY AREN’T YOU USING ENOUGH PUNCTUATION?!?!?!?!?!?!?!???????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????????!!!!!!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!.....?!


9. Strive for uniformity. It is essential that all of your characters sound the same, otherwise you risk confusing your readers with characters that don’t sound like they belong in the same book.


10. Forget dialogue altogether. You know what? Who really needs dialogue, anyway? Silent movies were all the rage way back when, what’s to say it can’t work now? 

*The only thing your readers will be clamoring for, should you do these things, is your head on a platter. This is a sarcastic post. Please do not take these tips seriously.

Now it’s your turn: what dialogue “tips” would you add to the list?

How (Not) to Get Traditionally Published

Photo credit: 401(K) 2012 on Flickr

After releasing the most fabulous tips you've ever read on how to become a Kindle bazillionaire (you're welcome) I thought it only fair to share ten incredible secrets on how to become traditionally published.

You can thank me when you're swimming in a pool full of Benjamins made completely out of your royalties.

10 Secrets to Traditional Publication*:

1. Send out query letters immediately after finishing your first draft. Everyone knows first drafts are the essence of brilliance and must not be tampered with or else risk diminishing its sheer genius. Send out those query letters ASAP!


2. Write a query letter like this. You'll have agents fighting each other and begging to represent you by the end of the week.


3. Only write about vampires. Everyone knows that every other genre is dead and barely worth mentioning. Don’t waste your time writing about anything else. 


4. Don't show anyone your work before sending out query letters. The last thing you want is for someone to steal your idea and make millions. Millions that you deserved.


5. Beta readers and critique partners are overrated. When I say don't show anyone your work, I mean anyone (except maybe your mother)—the risk is simply too high, and chances are they won’t understand your ingenuity anyway. Besides, you don't really need critique partners anyway; you're a genius.


6. Spend lots of time in coffee shops telling everyone about your brilliant book that's going to be published and become an instant classic and sell bajillions. Use words like "fiction novel" so that everyone knows you're serious.


7. Don't read a single book on writing craft. The ingenuity of your style is something you're born with; you don't need to read writing books to improve your writing because your writing is already the essence of perfection.


8. In fact, don't read anything. No other book can even compare to the incredible novel that you've written.


9. Call highly successful writers like Stephen King and J. K. Rowling to let them know that their run on the New York Times bestseller list has been fun, but there's a new writer in town. It's only fair that you give them the heads up.


10. Do all of the above before writing a single word. The genius is inside you. You better let people know early on that there's an incredible masterpiece on the way that's going to change the face of publishing.

That about covers it. If you follow those 10 easy steps you will be well on your way to becoming the next great writer. You better start emptying your pool—you're going to need the room for the extra cash you'll have lying around.

*= Yay for sarcasm! Please don't do any of these things, ok? It won't make you rich and famous. Nowhere near.

Now it's your turn to share your wisdom. What incredible tips would you add to the list?

How (Not) to Become the Next Kindle Bazillionaire

Photo credit: Nathan Congleton on Flickr

It’s no secret that we’re living in an age of opportunity for writers—an era where writers can trek out into the e-publishing landscape on their own and, with enough hard work, patience, and a bit of luck, can eventually make a living doing so. More writers upload their books to Amazon and Smashwords every day and success stories of all magnitudes remind us that there’s more than one path to publishing prowess.

And because every writer dreams of hoards of screaming fans chanting their name as they enter the room while money falls from the clouds and rains down upon them (or something like that), I’m sure you’re now wondering what you need to do to achieve the legendary status of Kindle Bazillionaire. So here’s how to get your personal mob of rabid fans dying to get their hands on your next book.

How to Become the Next Kindle Bazillionaire*

Photo credit: My genius work (obviously)

1. Create your cover on Paint. Tell me, who can resist a genius cover like the AMAZING KEWL FICTION NOVEL over there? (Seriously, tell me who. I’ll hunt them down for you).** 


2. Publish the moment you finish your first draft. Everyone knows that the first draft is pure gold that must not be altered under any conditions, or else you risk losing the magic of your masterpiece. And no one wants to lose the magic of the masterpiece, so go celebrate completing your first draft by hitting the publish button. As a bonus, think of all the money you’ll save from not hiring an editor!


3. Don’t bother with formatting. Formatting takes forever and every moment you waste not publishing your masterpiece first draft is a moment that a reader isn’t buying your book. And it’s not like anyone really cares if your book looks like it was pasted together at random intervals with a bunch of seemingly unrelated symbols and funky spacing issues.


4. Avoid giveaways like the plague. I mean really, the audacity some people have. Give away your work for free? Who would do such a thing?


5. Price your book at $100 a copy. The logic for this is obvious. You will have to sell considerably fewer copies at $100 a copy to reach a bazillion dollars than you would if your book was priced at $2.99 or (God forbid) $0.99.


6. Tell everyone on Twitter about your work. Twitter accounts are useless unless you tweet about your book at least once an hour. Anything less just tells your followers that you’re not committed to selling your book.


7. Only publish one book. The last thing you want is to spread yourself thin by dividing your attention up between many different books. Write a masterpiece and sell nothing else. Besides, you’ll be making so much money you won’t need to write a second book, anyway.


8. E-mail publishers and agents to let them know about your success. The e-mail should go something along the lines of, “IM A KINDLE BAZILLIONAIRE NOW NO THANKS TO YOU SO HA. HAVE FUN DROWNING WIT THE REST OF THE PRINT INDUSTRY LOOOZER.” You know, something classy.


9. Bash others in your genre. You’re a genius—a prodigy and everyone else writing in your genre doesn’t know what they’re doing. Make sure everyone else knows that, too, so they only buy your books.


10. Answer poor reviews with a flaming letter of rage. I mean, you’re not going to get bad reviews, but on the off chance you do, make sure you scare anyone else off from repeating the mean reviewer’s mistake.

And that’s it! With those ten easy steps you’ll be well on your way to fortunes raining down from the heavens. Go to Malibu and celebrate. Or go buy Malibu. Whatever works.

*= Why yes, this is another sarcastic post! Please, please, please, please, DO NOT do these things, ok? Promise?

**=No I won’t.

Now it’s your turn! What fabulous tips would you add to the list? 

How (Not) to Write Amazing Villains

Photo credit: L. Marie on Flickr

Darth Vader. Lord Voldemort. President Snow. Professor Umbridge. These are names that will forever live in infamy in our minds—names that struck fear in the hearts of more than a couple characters.

As writers, we often like to analyze the best of the best to discover their secrets so that we too can write characters worthy of being listed with them. After much research, I have uncovered the keys to brilliant villains, and because I’m a generous person, I’m posting them for all of you to see.

So, without further ado, here are the only tips you will ever need to write the perfect villain.*

Ten Keys to Writing Amazing Villains:

1. Evil name. No villain can be successful without an evil name. This is why Peter Pettigrew will never be listed beside Lord Voldemort. He was doomed from the start with such a silly-sounding name (sorry Peter, but Lord Pettigrew just doesn’t have the same ring to it).


2. Evil eyes. The eyes—oh! The eyes! Unless your villain has terrifying eyes, how can you expect him to terrify the other characters with a single glance? Don’t handicap your villain by giving him normal (or worse—pretty) eyes.


3. Evil monologue. This really goes without saying (because we all know how crucial the monologue is), but monologues make or break your villain. If your antagonist doesn’t go on for at least five pages about his nefarious plot to destroy the world with his excruciatingly evil death ray and how there’s nothing your protagonist can do about it, then it doesn’t matter how evil his eyes are because he (or she) has failed as a villain. 


4. Evil lack of hair. No one will take your villain seriously with a full head of hair. Can you imagine Lord Voldemort with hair? Exactly.


5. Evil mustache. The twirly kind, so your villain can spin his finger in it while monologing. (And yes, even the female villains require one).


6. Evil laugh. Case and point: MegaMind. 


(via Dhruv1sCeLT on YouTube) 


7. Evil smile. To be revealed just before your villain does something particularly nefarious, so that your protagonist knows something horrific is about to happen. And just to be creepy. Because all villains are creepy.


8. Evil cat/snake/pet. Voldemort had his snake, Umbridge had her kitten obsession and the Grinch had his dog. Coincidence? I think not.


9. Evil lair. Living in a normal home or suburb will slowly leech away your villain’s evilness. This must not happen. Give him a lair—preferably one with skeletons hanging on the walls and horrific torture devices and his death ray pointed at the sky. That way, when he captures your protagonist and brings him back to the lair, his evilness with literally resonate off the walls. 


10. Evil evil. This is the MOST IMPORTANT point. It doesn’t matter how evil his name or eyes or cat is if your villain’s evilness is not appropriately evil. Your antagonist must not have even a single redeeming quality, or his whole character will be ruined. Ruined! Your villain must live, breath, think and eat evil (cauliflower will do. Cauliflower is very evil).  The moment your reader starts to sympathize with your villain is the moment he has lost his credibility. Whatever you do, don’t let your villain show even a glimmer of un-evilness.

So that’s it. You now know how to write the most evil, terrifying villain in existence. Now get to work.

*= Assuming you want your villain to be so cliché-ridden that no one will be able to take him seriously at all.

What evil keys would you add to the list? 

How (Not) to Be Awesome on Social Media

Photo credit: KEXINO on Flickr

Whether it’s Twitter, tumblr, Facebook, Pinterest, Google + or some other form of social media I didn’t mention, there are certain unspoken rules of conduct, that when adhered to make you a courteous, likeable online person and when not adhered to make you…well…not. These rules can very well be the difference between a popular account and an ignored (or worse—blocked) account. It doesn’t seem fair, really, because not everyone is aware of the Rules of Social Media Awesomeness (as I like to call them) that can define your social media presence.

Until now.

For all to see, I have laid out the Rules of Social Media Awesomeness that are guaranteed to make you fantastic (online, anyway).*

How (Not) to Be Awesome on Social Media:

1. Ignore comments/@ mentions. Why spend time answering those pesky comments and Twitter mentions when you could be using that energy to promote your online presence? Honestly.


2. Gratitude is overrated. Did someone retweet your link or share your Facebook post? That’s nice. Your gratitude is implied, anyway. No use in spending precious time and energy to thank people.


3. Spam ALLLLL the people. Now here, here is a worthy thing to spend time on. Send everyone you can a link to your blog or Twitter or Facebook page (etc.). In fact, if you do bother to answer those pesky comments, this is how you want to do it. Speaking of which…


4. Use Direct or Personal Messages to send links (to your blog/Twitter/Facebook etc.). They’re not useful for anything else and you’ll really make someone feel special by gracing them with a personal link to your incredible pages.


5. Constantly remind people to like/follow/add you. If you don’t post on your Facebook and Twitter and tumblr about your other Social Media pages that people should follow at least three times a day, then you’re wasting your time. People forget that you have other pages out there that they should be subscribing to. They’ll thank you for the constant reminders.


6. Be Negative Nancy or Debbie Downer all the time. Because like gratitude, optimism and smiley faces are overrated.


7. ALWAYS TYPE LOUDLY. HOW IS ANYONE GOING TO NOTICE YOUR MESSAGE IF YOU WHISPER IT ON THE INTERWEBS? TYPE LOUDLY OR RISK BEING OVERLOOKED. YOU’VE BEEN WARNED.


8. Leave all of your links on other people’s blogs/pages. I mean all of your links—your Twitter, blog, Facebook, tumblr, Google +, Pinterest, Klout, LinkedIn and Myspace (you never know…they might still use Myspace!)—every time you comment on someone else’s blog or page. On another note, if you don’t have a page on each of those sites, then you haven’t diversified your social media presence nearly enough.


9. Be rude. Hey, it works for celebrities and it’ll make you memorable!


10. Never share other people’s content. Social media isn’t about sharing, it’s about YOU! Never forget that.

So there you have it. Now go out there and be awesome.

*And by “these rules will make you awesome on Social Media” I mean, “please, please, please don’t do these things or risk being very un-awesome on Social Media.”

What would you add to the Rules of Social Media Awesomeness?

How (Not) to Write Great Characters

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It’s no secret that characters can make or break a story. A poorly written or else unlikable character can bog down an otherwise interesting story and truly interesting characters can improve an already enjoyable story. Although it’s relatively easy to identify a well-written character, it can be significantly more difficult to figure out how to write one.

So without further ado, I give you ten foolproof secrets to writing captivating characters. You can thank me later.

10 Secrets for Extraordinary Character-Writing Success*:

1. Don’t introduce any characters in the first chapter. When a reader picks up a book, they aren't immediately ready to meet a new character. The most important thing is to ground them in the world of your book. Spend the first chapter describing the grass, the political system, the language and laws, but don’t even THINK about introducing a character until the second chapter (you’re thinking about it, aren't you? Stop that. Stop that right now).


2. Epic. Names. No one wants to read about a character named Jimmy Brown. Horationitus Mooncloud Bloodbone on the other hand, makes for a very interesting character name. Bonus points if you can’t pronounce it.


3. For character inspiration, consult Stereotypes-R-Us. Readers are already accustomed to seeing stereotypical characters, and thus are immediately attracted to them. Don’t shy away from using stereotypical characters—embrace them like a baby panda cuddling with its mother. There’s no faster way to scare readers away than writing characters who break the mold. 


4. Make your villain bald. With a (preferably twirly) mustache. No one will take him seriously if he has a full head of hair and no mustache to twirl around his finger while coming up with a maniacal plan to destroy the world with his death ray (because every villain worth his salt has a death ray. It’s part of the job description).


5. Make your hero flawless. Unless your protagonist looks like a child of Persephone, has a genius IQ and a heart of gold, your readers will immediately reject him. The hero must be perfect in every way, because no one wants to read about a character with actual flaws.


6. Only bad guys make mistakes. Just like the real world.


7. Include a Mary Sue in every novel you write. As they say, write what you know—and who knows how to write you better than you do? That’s what I thought.


8. Make sure everyone sounds the same. You don’t want to confuse your readers with varied voices. If you take away all of the dialogue tags and you can’t tell who says what just by the way they say it, then you know you've succeeded.


9. Use cardboard cut-out minor characters. They’re not really important, anyway, so no need to bother developing them. Besides, you don’t want them to distract your readers from the main plot and the other, more important characters like Horationitus.


10. Kill them all in the end. You don’t want to leave your readers lying awake at night wondering about your characters’ futures, do you? I didn't think so. Spare them the worry and just kill them all off in the end. As a bonus, it makes for a memorable last page. (As a double bonus, give Horationitus some epic last words).

*= Oh, the sarcasm! Please don’t do any of these things. Your readers (and Horationitus) will thank you.

So there you have it—the secrets to writing brilliant characters. What would you add to the list?