How (Not) to Win a Twitter Pitch Fest

Photo credit: Johan Larsson on Flickr

Some of you lovely writers may have heard that there's going to be another Twitter pitch fest on Friday (3/29/13) under the hashtag #PitMad. Basically, if you're querying, or ready to start querying, you should most definitely participate (and here's why).

Naturally many of you are probably antsy about Friday’s Twitter fest, and so I thought it only appropriate to share ten easy steps to making every agent and editor who trolls the #PitMad feed instantly want to request your full manuscript. So without further ado:

How to Make Everyone Want Your Full Manuscript*

1. Ignore the rules. Rules are for people who aren't creative enough to break out of the box. How will can you ever expect to stand out if you follow the rules? No, you need to make your own rules. For example...


2. Send the agents your pitch directly by @ mentioning them even when they don't ask for it. This includes agents on Twitter who aren't even participating. Twitter pitch fests are all about being noticed, and what better way to get your pitch noticed then by sending it directly to your dream agent? After all, every agent LOVES Twitter queries—it’s a fact. 


3. Spam the hashtag. When there are a lot of participants in an event like a Twitter pitch fest, you sometimes have to use a little elbow to really be seen. Posting your pitch any less than a dozen times an hour will doom you to being drowned out by the other participants, and we can't have that. 


4. Bash the other writers. Save the agents the pain of looking at anyone else's work—all they need to see is your masterpiece. In fact, they should probably just stop reading altogether because nothing else will ever stand up to your work. 


5. Retweet your pitch repeatedly. Writing your pitch twelve times an hour really isn't enough—retweet those pitches until you can retweet no more!


6. Spread your pitch over ten tweets. Remember what I said about breaking the rules? While all those other silly writers are trying to fit their pitch into 140 characters, you can take advantage of all the characters you need to express the true awesomeness of your book. Take that, boring rule-followers! 


7. Write your pitch in all caps. YOU WANT PEOPLE TO READ IT, DON'T YOU? 


8. Pitch a book you haven't finished writing. Hell, pitch a book you haven't started writing. That way, when everyone is throwing publishing contracts at you, you'll be way ahead of the game. 


9. Use a quote from your book instead of a pitch. You know what? Pitches are overrated. Quotes, on the other hand...


10. Forget the pitch—just tell everyone how awesome your book is. That's all they really need to know, anyway. 

*Did I say "everyone"? I meant "no one." This is a sarcastic post, please don't do these things. It will not bring you success and joy, I promise.

Are you participating on Friday? If so, good luck! What so-called tips would you add to the list?

How (Not) to Be a Successful Blogger

Photo credit: marsmet544 on Flickr

While the Great Blogging Bubble is a thing of the past, as every single one of you reading this can testament, blogging is still very much a thing that is alive and well. New writers take up the call to online journaling every day, while others jump ship, leaving their blogs to gather virtual dust online (or, alternatively, obliterating them altogether).

So it is little surprise that many surf the interwebz to try to glean insight as to what makes a blog popular, how to gather more traffic for their new online venture and how, ultimately, to be a successful blogger.

Well, my fellow web-surfer. You have come to the right blog.

From the mysterious blast of ingenious insight that brought you the likes of How to Write a Masterpiece and How (Not) to Write the Perfect Query Letter, I bring you ten secrets to being a successful blogger:

10 Golden Rules to Blogging Success*: 

1. Write ridiculously long sentences and paragraphs and actually it’s best if the post is one hugenormously long paragraph (no shorter than 1000 words because really, who wants to waste their time reading a tiny post?) because everyone knows that the more words you fit into a sentence the better the sentence is and also, no one wastes their precious time skipping from one paragraph to the next anymore so you might as well fit whatever you can into one single large paragraph (or title, if you’re that skilled). The heading basically says it all, I think.


2. LIGHT COLORS ON A DARK BACKGROUND—OOH IT’S SO PURDY. Without pretty, eye-popping colors to give your readers the migraine of a lifetime, your little blog will never be remembered.


3. ALSO EVERYONE LOVES CAPS LOCK. WHAT’S THE POINT OF EVEN TURNING CAPS LOCK OFF ANYWAY HUH? PLUS IT’S COOL BECAUSE SUDDENLY YOUR READERS WILL READ WITH AN EXTRA-LOUD VOICE IN THEIR MINDS SO IT’S KIND OF LIKE YOU’RE EMPHASIZING YOUR POINT WITH YOUR LOUDNESS. READERS LOVE LOUDNESS.


4. Comment on other people’s blogs about your blog. There’s little point in commenting if you don’t leave a link to your blog, anyway.


5. Ignore your blog comments. It’s not like your readers actually appreciate when you take the time to answer their comments, so why bother?


6. Change up your blog topics. Everyone knows your readers will get bored if you start doing that thing where you consistently write about one topic.


7. Only post once or twice a year. Too much more and you might clog up your subscribers’ feeds, which in turn could scare them away.


8. Proper grammar and spelling is conforming. aND ur nawt a cuhnformisst R U?


9. Only post about your one-eyed gerbil, Alfredo. Because, as I’m sure you already know, the one-eyed gerbil is the international mascot of the blogging world, so no one really wants to hear about anything else, anyway.


10. Don’t put any thought into the design of your blog. No one cares about the design; they just want to know about Alfredo.

And just like that, the secrets to gaining a raving horde of fans for your blog are yours. Use them wisely.

* = Please don't actually do any of this. Please? 

What blogging secrets would you add to the list?