I guess you just had to be there.
Being the generous person that I am, I decided to write down these surefire ways to complete a novel of brilliance. Don’t skip any steps. They are all essential.
Golden Writing Advice Right Here, People:
- Linear plots are overrated. Readers enjoy trying to figure out what the hell is going on. It’s an adventure.
- Consistent character development? Pshh!
- 100% evil, mustache-twirling villains are a must. WHERE IS YOUR VILLIAN’S MOUSTACHE? And he should probably be bald, too.
- Don’t waste your time establishing setting—especially not setting that will be important later on.
- Foreshadowing? Completely superfluous.
- Don’t even THINK about cutting that lengthy telephone conversation about the neighbor’s dog and the scene where your MC ordered delicious food at the restaurant. Enough said.
- Every outfit must be meticulously described—down to the last painted toenail.
- We need to know every aspect of every characters background—from birth to present day.
- Remember to start your story with either your characters waking up/looking into a mirror or a really long, irrelevant prologue about another character you’ll never hear about again. Clearly, there are no other legitimate ways to start a novel.
- The twist readers will never see coming: IT WAS ALL JUST A DREAM! *queue Twilight zone music*
- Include flashbacks in every chapter, especially flashbacks about adorable childhood memories. I mean…he was just so cute!
- Your manuscript isn’t finished unless you’ve reached 200k words. 199k? KEEP WRITING.
- Invent your own spelling and grammar. This is a creative field! Shakespeare did it, why don’t you?
- Precise, effective language is boring. Show off your pretty writing with flowery metaphors and similes.
- Varying sentence and paragraph length is a completely waste of time that will clearly only give your readers anxiety attacks. Lull them into your writing with uniform sentences instead.
Brilliance, I know. In case you missed the dripping sarcasm, here’s some real advice:
Do the opposite of everything you just read. I can’t guarantee you’ll have a masterpiece on your hands if you do, but you’ll certainly be better off.
Now, as for that lightning bolt of inspiration…
Do you have any not-advice you’d like to share? Share them below!