How (Not) to Become the Next Kindle Bazillionaire

Photo credit: Nathan Congleton on Flickr
It’s no secret that we’re living in an age of opportunity for writers—an era where writers can trek out into the e-publishing landscape on their own and, with enough hard work, patience, and a bit of luck, can eventually make a living doing so. More writers upload their books to Amazon and Smashwords every day and success stories of all magnitudes remind us that there’s more than one path to publishing prowess.

And because every writer dreams of hoards of screaming fans chanting their name as they enter the room while money falls from the clouds and rains down upon them (or something like that), I’m sure you’re now wondering what you need to do to achieve the legendary status of Kindle Bazillionaire. So here’s how to get your personal mob of rabid fans dying to get their hands on your next book.


How to Become the Next Kindle Bazillionaire*

Photo credit: My genius work (obviously)
  1. Create your cover on Paint. Tell me, who can resist a genius cover like the AMAZING KEWL FICTION NOVEL over there? (Seriously, tell me who. I’ll hunt them down for you).** 

  2. Publish the moment you finish your first draft. Everyone knows that the first draft is pure gold that must not be altered under any conditions, or else you risk losing the magic of your masterpiece. And no one wants to lose the magic of the masterpiece, so go celebrate completing your first draft by hitting the publish button. As a bonus, think of all the money you’ll save from not hiring an editor!

  3. Don’t bother with formatting. Formatting takes forever and every moment you waste not publishing your masterpiece first draft is a moment that a reader isn’t buying your book. And it’s not like anyone really cares if your book looks like it was pasted together at random intervals with a bunch of seemingly unrelated symbols and funky spacing issues.

  4. Avoid giveaways like the plague. I mean really, the audacity some people have. Give away your work for free? Who would do such a thing?

  5. Price your book at $100 a copy. The logic for this is obvious. You will have to sell considerably fewer copies at $100 a copy to reach a bazillion dollars than you would if your book was priced at $2.99 or (God forbid) $0.99.

  6. Tell everyone on Twitter about your work. Twitter accounts are useless unless you tweet about your book at least once an hour. Anything less just tells your followers that you’re not committed to selling your book.

  7. Only publish one book. The last thing you want is to spread yourself thin by dividing your attention up between many different books. Write a masterpiece and sell nothing else. Besides, you’ll be making so much money you won’t need to write a second book, anyway.

  8. E-mail publishers and agents to let them know about your success. The e-mail should go something along the lines of, “IM A KINDLE BAZILLIONAIRE NOW NO THANKS TO YOU SO HA. HAVE FUN DROWNING WIT THE REST OF THE PRINT INDUSTRY LOOOZER.” You know, something classy.

  9. Bash others in your genre. You’re a genius—a prodigy and everyone else writing in your genre doesn’t know what they’re doing. Make sure everyone else knows that, too, so they only buy your books.

  10. Answer poor reviews with a flaming letter of rage. I mean, you’re not going to get bad reviews, but on the off chance you do, make sure you scare anyone else off from repeating the mean reviewer’s mistake.

And that’s it! With those ten easy steps you’ll be well on your way to fortunes raining down from the heavens. Go to Malibu and celebrate. Or go buy Malibu. Whatever works.

*= Why yes, this is another sarcastic post! Please, please, please, please, DO NOT do these things, ok? Promise?

**=No I won’t.

Now it’s your turn! What fabulous tips would you add to the list? 

28 comments:

Joseph Eastwood said...

Oh, Ava! I absolutely do love your blog posts! And although I don't comment enough... I just had to tell you how much this one picked me up from my v.crappy day lol :D

Ava Jae said...

Thank you so much, Joe! I'm sorry you're having a bad day, but I'm glad the post put a smile on your face. :) Hope your weekend gets better!

Chihuahua Zero said...

Of course you shouldn't have it looked over for weird sentence constructions and stuff! It's not like anyone cares that it doesn't look remotely professional.

Ava Jae said...

Pshhh! Professionalism. Like that even MATTERS.

Yesenia Vargas said...

Loving that homemade cover! Exactly what I need for my novel! lol

Ava Jae said...

Thank you! Isn't it the most gorgeous cover EVER? Ha ha. :D

Author Steven said...

For one thing I love these hilarious how not to posts. This is a bit off topic but I'm still a bit stuck in the past as far as publishing books goes. For some reason for me it seems a bit more satisfactory to be working with a publishing company and send letter after letter and manuscript after manuscript until it gets accepted. I'm definitely a traditionalist...and I like paper. :) Either way, I now know exactly what (not) to do if I do decide to go the route of indie electro-publishing. :)


~Author Steven :)

Margaret Alexander said...

I love the magic flower, that's all I have to say.

Gene Lempp said...

Ha! Love these "Not" posts, Ava. Pure brilliance! Especially like the great cover art - where can I find the artist cause that totally rocks...

Hildred Billings said...

See, I'm not even that good with Paint. Do you do commissions for paint covers? I mean I'm sure you charge about 1000 dollars a pop, because it's so fantastic, but I need to know! I need a cover just like that!

:P

Ava Jae said...

Thank you, Steven! I never tire of writing these. ^_^


Certain things on this list apply, though I suppose I could consider in the future writing a post on how not to get traditionally published, or something to that effect. Definitely worth thinking about.
As far as e-publishing goes...now you know. :)

Ava Jae said...

Thank you! I thought it added a little extra special something. Heh heh.

Ava Jae said...

Thank you, Gene! These posts never become less entertaining to write. And I also credited the brilliant (and obviously talented) artist *ehem* me. :D

Ava Jae said...

I would love to make you a cover. Would you like a magic flower on yours? :D


Glad you enjoyed the post, Hildred! Thanks for stopping by! ^_^

James Anderson said...

I love your sense of humor Ava! I am all for self-publishing, but there is definitely a right way do it. And also a wrong and very annoying way to do it.

I would add to the list to ask all of your close friends and family members to read your story and provide feedback. And then when they have finished, argue/debate with them why their feedback is wrong and how your original thoughts are better.

Ava Jae said...

Thank you, James! I like your addition to the list--as a bonus, you can blog about your experience with those silly friends and family members who actually thought your work of sheer brilliance needed tweaking. The nerve of some people!

Keith Addison said...

U iz jst jellus cuz u iznt a gud writa like I is :P
That is so ridiculous that I cant even keep it up. Your post made me laugh. Thanks for cheering me up :-)

Ava Jae said...

Sure thing, Keith! Always happy to share some smiles. :) Thanks for stopping by!


P.S.: ur rite. i iz todally jellus.

Morven said...

"Professionalism" is just a fiction of LEGACY PUBLISHING and its OPPRESSION OF AUTHORZ.

Laura Watts said...

Ha, brilliant! This certainly made me laugh :)

Ava Jae said...

So glad you enjoyed the post! ^__^

Daniel Swensen said...

This is where I shamefacedly confess that I would buy "Amazing Kewl Fiction Novel" based on the sheer audacity of that cover.

Daniel Swensen said...

Although not at a price point of $100.

Ava Jae said...

I mean, the sun is wearing sunglasses and there's a MAGIC FLOWER on the cover. Who can resist the magic flower? No one, that's who.


Plus, I mean, Genius Auther Dude wrote it, so you really can't go wrong.

Missy Kirtley said...

I would absolutely buy the new Amazing Kewl Fiction Novel. I LOVE Guy Dude! ;)

Ava Jae said...

I would buy anything written by Genius Auther Guy Dude. I mean, he's a genius auther. Not reading whatever he comes out with is practically a crime!

Chris Owings van Soolen said...

haha, these are awesome :) Thanks so much for writing them. I would also include #11: Throw a tantrum and pull your book from epub sites that aren't quick enough or have fast enough customer service. Because if you're not shopping there, obviously no one else is, either.

Ava Jae said...

Thanks, Chris! I like your addition, although I'm curious--by "fast enough" do you mean sites that aren't selling your e-book fast enough or sites that don't upload fast enough or...

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