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| Photo credit: 401(K) 2012 on Flickr |
You can thank me when you're swimming in a pool full of Benjamins made completely out of your royalties.
10 Secrets to Traditional Publication*:
- Send out query letters immediately after finishing your first draft. Everyone knows first drafts are the essence of brilliance and must not be tampered with or else risk diminishing its sheer genius. Send out those query letters ASAP!
- Write a query letter like this. You'll have agents fighting each other and begging to represent you by the end of the week.
- Only write about vampires. Everyone knows that every other genre is dead and barely worth mentioning. Don’t waste your time writing about anything else.
- Don't show anyone your work before sending out query letters. The last thing you want is for someone to steal your idea and make millions. Millions that you deserved.
- Beta readers and critique partners are overrated. When I say don't show anyone your work, I mean anyone (except maybe your mother)—the risk is simply too high, and chances are they won’t understand your ingenuity anyway. Besides, you don't really need critique partners anyway; you're a genius.
- Spend lots of time in coffee shops telling everyone about your brilliant book that's going to be published and become an instant classic and sell bajillions. Use words like "fiction novel" so that everyone knows you're serious.
- Don't read a single book on writing craft. The ingenuity of your style is something you're born with; you don't need to read writing books to improve your writing because your writing is already the essence of perfection.
- In fact, don't read anything. No other book can even compare to the incredible novel that you've written.
- Call highly successful writers like Stephen King and J. K. Rowling to let them know that their run on the New York Times bestseller list has been fun, but there's a new writer in town. It's only fair that you give them the heads up.
- Do all of the above before writing a single word. The genius is inside you. You better let people know early on that there's an incredible masterpiece on the way that's going to change the face of publishing.
That about covers it. If you follow those 10
easy steps you will be well on your way to becoming the next great writer. You
better start emptying your pool—you're going to need the room for the extra
cash you'll have lying around.
*= Yay for sarcasm! Please don't do any of these things, ok? It won't make you rich and famous. Nowhere near.
Now it's your turn to share your wisdom. What incredible tips would you add to the list?
*= Yay for sarcasm! Please don't do any of these things, ok? It won't make you rich and famous. Nowhere near.
Now it's your turn to share your wisdom. What incredible tips would you add to the list?
