Fixing the First Page Feature #20

Photo credit: Evangelio Gonzalez MD on Flickr

TOMORROW IS MARCH 1st. MARCH IS NEARLY HERE. DEBUT DAY IS NEARLY HERE. AHHH.

Which. Um. Means it's time for the next Fixing the First Page feature before I go make a blanket fort. Eeep!

As these things go, I'll start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I'll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (because I'm one person with one opinion!), as long as it's polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be unceremoniously deleted.

Here we go!

Title: WILD CALLING

Genre/Category: YA Historical Paranormal

First 250:

"I sing song after song calling to my Maybelle. I ask the oceans to take the songs to her, to call her back to me. 

Chapter One 

My Da was Petey Langton, the best liar in the Caribbean; he had to be as a pirate captain. I knew he loved me, I trusted him in that unthinking way you do as a child. I never thought he'd lie to me. I was wrong. He lied to me all my life about Mam, even about who and what I was. Back then I knew nothing of that. 

Running over the sand of the bank I leapt out, flying over the water shrieking. Lifting my knees up I hugged them to me, falling with a smack onto the river. It slapped my feet and I sank through the surface, I had to try hard not to gasp at the freshness of the water. My feet hit the mud of the bottom. Pushing down, I flew back up through the water, my arms reaching upwards. Opening my eyes I saw the clear green water streaming past me. I broke through the river into the hot blue air, spluttering. 

I yelled at Billy and the other ship's boys on the bank. 

'Come in, it's great!' 

They stared at me without answering and didn't follow me. Whenever the Silver Cutlass was moored up at Matthewstown me, Billy, and the youngest of the ship's boys had a good deal of fun playing with the village children."

Okay! So, firstly, I am such a fan of the rise in pirates in YA, like, yes. But anyway, the excerpt. I want to start by saying that "Historical Paranormal" would probably be more effectively described as Historical Fantasy, which is an established genre.

As for the excerpt itself, I like the italicized line at the beginning, but I feel like it would work better in the text somewhere, with context. Without the context, it sounds nice, but it doesn't really mean much to me, so as a reader I just skip over it. I also feel like you may want to consider cutting the first paragraph—I understand what the intended purpose is (to establish some conflict upfront), but the whole thing sounds reminiscent to me, like an adult looking back at their child self, which pulls it out of YA. It also gives away a lot of the surprises in the text—I don't want to be told that her father is a liar, I want to be as surprised as she is when she discovers it herself in the plot. Giving away a surprise upfront by telling the readers, to me, lessens the effect of the surprise, and also gives readers the impression that there's likely to be a lot of explaining the plot in the story, which isn't beneficial.

When you remove the first paragraph, of course, you then have a new issue: there isn't really an effective hook in the opening. I think this could probably be tweaked by thinking about the opening scene—whatever the conflict is in the opening scene, is there a way you could allude to it from the start? I can't answer this with just the first 250, but I have a feeling there probably is a way.

Now for the in-line edits:

"I sing song after song calling to my Maybelle. I ask the oceans to take the songs to her, to call her back to me. 

Chapter One 

My Da was Petey Langton, the best liar in the Caribbean; he had to be as a pirate captain. I knew he loved me, I trusted him in that unthinking way you do as a child. I never thought he'd lie to me. I was wrong. He lied to me all my life about Mam, even about who and what I was. Back then I knew nothing of that.  I already said above why I think these should be cut/moved.

Running over the sand of the bank I leapt out, shrieking as I flew over the water flying over the water shrieking. Adjusted for flow purposes—I think this is a little easier to understand. Lifting my knees up I hugged my knees to my chest them to me, falling with a smack onto the river. Again, adjusted to improve the flow of the sentence. It slapped my feet and I sank through the surface, I had to try hard not to gasp at the freshness of the water. This sentence reads awkwardly to me, and it's a bit of a run on. Maybe try something like, "The fresh water slapped my feet—I clamped down on a gasp as I sank below the surface." This cuts some of the wordiness out and also makes the sentence more active. My feet hit the [insert adjective: slick? cold? slimy?] mud of the bottom. Pushing down, ("Pushing down" is confusing with this context—maybe "kicking off"?) I flew back up through the water, my arms reaching upwards There's a lot of wordiness here, too, and the repetition of "up" brings attention to it. Try rewording this sentence by shortening it and removing the repetition (For example: "I rocketed towards the surface with my arms above my head"). Opening my eyes I saw the clear green water streaming past me Filter phrase alert! Try rewriting without "I saw". I broke through the river into the hot blue air, spluttering. I really like the imagery here, especially "hot blue air." Very nice. :)

I yelled at Billy and the other ship's boys on the bank. I feel like she would know the name of the other ship, right? It'd be a nice detail to place here.

'Come in, it's great!' 

They stared at me without answering and didn't follow me You don't need the second half of this sentence—just leaving at the boys staring says well enough that they aren't following her in or speaking. Whenever the Silver Cutlass was moored up at Matthewstown, me, Billy, and the youngest of the ship's boys had a good deal of fun playing with the village children." Technically the bolded is grammatically incorrect...but that could be done on purpose for voice purposes, so I'm letting it slide. :)

Despite my many, many suggestions, I actually do like this opening, and I'm curious to see what happens (did I mention I really like pirate books?). This is a fun start, and with some tweaks I think it could potentially be strong—we could just use a hint of tension, some rewording, and some details here and there to solidify the imagery. If I saw this in the slush, I would tentatively continue reading to see how the scene played out.

I hope that helps! Thanks for sharing your first 250 with us, Kathryn!

Would you like to be featured in a Fixing the First Page Feature? Keep an eye out for the next critique giveaway in March!

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.@Ava_Jae talks wordiness, details, and avoiding spoilers in the 20th Fixing the First Page critique. (Click to tweet)

Fixing the First Page Feature #17

Photo credit: Victor Bezrukov on Flickr

NaNoWriMo is almost over, Thanksgiving is tomorrow, December is nearly here, and the next Fixing the First Page critique has arrived! Yay!

As per always, I'll start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I'll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (I'm just one person with one opinion!), as long as it's polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be unceremoniously deleted.

Let's do this.

Title: WICKED ME

Genre: New Adult Contemporary Romance

First 250: 

"Sam 

Deliver to abandoned warehouse 

4 miles E of city

5 pm sharp

Bring shovel. 

It was the last line of Hill’s text that had made sweat drip down to my balls, not the roasting D.C. heat made worse by concrete and rush hour car exhaust. My Chevy Impala had barely crawled forward six inches in the last ten minutes. A glance at the dashboard clock showed 4:53.

Yeah, I wasn’t going to make it. 

But none of that mattered as much as his weird request. Why the hell would he need a shovel? Unless the shovel wasn’t meant for him, but for me to dig my own grave. But I already did that when I was 'recruited' to work for him. 

Recruited, blackmailed—same difference. 

The light several cars ahead turned green, and I thought that maybe, just maybe, I might be able to creep along a whole seven inches this time. 

4:54. 

Shit. I cranked the dial on the radio, the speakers blaring a before-my-time Metallica song, and glanced in the rearview mirror. A crowbar and Hill’s small, brown paper-wrapped package sat on the backseat in plain sight. A crowbar, not a shovel, because my day job didn’t have one. 

The car ahead pulled forward, and as I touched the gas, a perky ass to my right made me do a double-take. It stuck up in the air like some kind of supernaturally rounded homing beacon. The woman the ass belonged to stood in the middle of a crowded sidewalk with three bags of luggage surrounding her."

So! First and foremost, this excerpt really has the guy NA voice nailed, which I noticed pretty much right away, so fantastic work! I really like where we're starting here—we've got the protagonist with a goal (do what the text says), immediate conflict (he's stuck in rush hour traffic and going to be late) and some mystery—who is Hill? How was he blackmailed? What is this job? I have a lot of well-placed questions which definitely makes me want to keep reading.

Let's take a look at the (I suspect, minimal) line-edits:

"Sam 

Deliver to abandoned warehouse 

4 miles E of city Just in terms of logistics here, this is super vague as far as directions go. How would Sam know which warehouse to take it to? Or where to even begin looking (I mean, "four miles east" could be a lot of places. Has Sam been there before? This may be something you're going to answer later, but as far as the opening goes, it's unclear to me how he would know where he was going without a street address.

5 pm sharp

Bring shovel. 

It was the last line of Hill’s text that ha'd made sweat drip down to my balls (Awesome voice), not the roasting D.C. heat made worse by concrete and rush hour car exhaust. Do you mean asphalt? Concrete doesn't really reflect heat back up—but asphalt does. My Chevy Impala had barely crawled forward six inches in the last ten minutes. A glance at the dashboard clock showed 4:53.

Yeah, I wasn’t going to make it. Really like the placement and voice here too. 

But none of that mattered as much as his weird request. Why the hell would he need a shovel? Unless the shovel wasn’t meant for him, but for me to dig my own grave. I don't necessarily need to know right this second, but I'm not sure if the grave comment is serious or a joke, which makes it harder for me to judge how serious this, er, job is. But I already did that when I was 'recruited' to work for him. 

Recruited, blackmailed—same difference. Love this line, too. And extra points for more voice.

The light several cars ahead turned green,. and I thought that mMaybe, just maybe, I might be able to creep along a whole seven inches this time. Adjusted to remove filtering of "I thought."

4:54. 

Shit. I cranked the dial on the radio, the speakers blaring a before-my-time Metallica song, and glanced in the rearview mirror. A crowbar and Hill’s small, brown paper-wrapped package sat on the backseat in plain sight. A crowbar, not a shovel, because my day job didn’t have one. More great voice! And nice clarification. A+ for voice.

The car ahead pulled forward, and as I touched the gas, a perky ass to my right made me do a double-take. It stuck up in the air like some kind of supernaturally rounded homing beacon. *snicker* The woman the ass belonged to stood in the middle of a crowded sidewalk with three bags of luggage surrounding her."

Okay, so as I suspected, really minor line edits—and really, what I found was mostly polishing and/or nit-picky stuff. This is a really strong opening, definitely fits the NA vibe and if I saw this in the slush, I'd absolutely keep reading. In fact, in a Fixing the First Page crit first, I loved this sample so much I showed my boss, Stephen Morgan, who is an editor at Entangled Publishing and we'd love to see if the submission is right for us. So consider this a request from Stephen to submit to Entangled Embrace, if you would like to. :) Overall, fantastic job!

Thanks for sharing your first 250 with us, Lindsey!

Would you like to be featured in a Fixing the First Page Feature? Keep an eye out for the last first 250 crit giveaway of 2015 next month!

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.@Ava_Jae talks NA voice, strong openings, and polishing in the 17th Fixing the First Page critique. (Click to tweet)

Fixing the First Page Feature #14

Photo credit: ysksmz on Flickr

It’s nearly September and despite my extra long summer, I’m still not emotionally ready to go back to school. But! End of the month means it’s time for the next fixing the first page critique, so yay! 

As per usual, I'll start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I'll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (I'm just one person with one opinion!), as long as it's polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be unceremoniously deleted.

Let’s go! 

Title: SWIM

Genre/Category: YA Contemporary

First 250:

"I learned how to swim before I learned how to walk. 

That’s what they do, when you’re born a couple of blocks from the beach. They teach you young. 

And I swear I still remember it. 

My father’s hands, big and warm on my sides, suddenly gone. 

That moment of freefall, of panic—I can’t do this­— 

And then— 

Legs kicking, arms flailing, but swimming, really swimming on my own. The tang of the sea on my tongue. Emerging gasping, coughing, into sea spray and sunlight. Grinning so big I thought I’d never stop. 

The joy of it all. 

I dream about it, sometimes. I smile in my sleep. 

And then I remember. 

Remember why I don’t swim anymore. 

I stop smiling. 

I wake up.



Chapter One

The spring of my senior year in high school, my mother brought a kitchen knife into the bathtub with her. 

She didn’t cut deep enough, not nearly, they said. But she’d been drinking, and she lost enough blood to pass out. Her head slipped under the water, and if her neighbor hadn’t found her, she would have drowned. 

I wasn’t with her. No one was. My parents divorced when I was in the seventh grade, and I moved away with my dad. 

We sat in the hospital waiting room, my dad and I, not speaking. 

The doctor suggested that after she was released from the psychiatric ward, it might be a good idea for someone to live with her for a little while."

Okay! So, very first thought: we don't need the prologue. I'm guessing it's there to try to be a little foreboding with the protagonist (who...reads as a girl to me? But it's not specified) remembering why they don't swim anymore. But honestly, I don't feel like we're getting information that's vital to know on page one—I'm assuming the swim thing is going to come up again, considering the title, and I think the same information could probably be conveyed later on throughout the prose. On a smaller note, there are also way too many single-sentence paragraphs in the prologue bit—remember, the more you use a stylistic writing effect (like a single sentence/word paragraph), the less impact it has.

As far as the opening for the first chapter goes, starting with so much exposition is a little risky. The first line I think could work—it's definitely attention grabbing—but I don't really feel like I'm there with the protagonist because the whole opening of the chapter is being summarized. I think it'd be more effective if we slipped into the protagonist's POV and saw the scene start to play out sooner.

Now for the in-line notes:

"I learned how to swim before I learned how to walk. That’s what they do, After all, when you’re born a couple of blocks from the beach,. T they teach you young. 

And I swear I still remember it. Any way you could transition into the next paragraph without using the filter ("remember")?

My father’s hands, big and warm on my sides, suddenly gone. 

That moment of freefall, of panic—I can’t do this­— Aand then— 

Legs kicking, arms flailing, but swimming, really swimming on my own. The tang of the sea on my tongue. Emerging gasping, coughing, into sea spray and sunlight. Grinning so big I thought I’d never stop. 

The joy of it all. 

I dream about it, sometimes. I smile in my sleep. 

And then I remember. Remember why I don’t swim anymore. 

I stop smiling. 

I wake up. 

Reading this a second time now, I'm about 99% sure I'd cut this if I were editing.


Chapter One

The spring of my senior year in high school, my mother brought a kitchen knife into the bathtub with her. Nice first line.

She didn’t cut deep enough, not nearly, they said. But she’d been drinking, and she lost enough blood to pass out. Her head slipped under the water, and if her neighbor hadn’t found her, she would have drowned. 

I wasn’t with her. No one was. My parents divorced when I was in the seventh grade, and I moved away with my dad. 

We sat in the hospital waiting room, my dad and I, not speaking. 

The doctor suggested that after she was released from the psychiatric ward, it might be a good idea for someone to live with her for a little while.  This could be a good spot to transition to playing the scene out—with an actual line of dialogue of the doctor saying exactly that. Or you could transition right before this by getting into your protagonist's head as they sit next to their dad in the silent room. How do they feel? What thoughts are running through their head? Is the awkward silence something normal for them and their dad? How long has it been since they've seen their mom? This is all stuff you could give us in your protagonist's POV that could help us connect to your MC."

Okay, so you'll notice there aren't a whole lot of line edits here, and that's because the writing itself works for the most part—I'd just recommend being careful to vary your paragraph and sentence length, because I'm seeing a lot of short paragraphs and sentences right from the start. The main issue I'm seeing here, however, is what I mentioned above—the prologue feels unnecessary to me (and, to be honest, I don't think it's as good a hook as the first sentence of chapter one anyway) and I'm not connecting to the protagonist because all I'm getting here is exposition.

I think if those adjustments are made, this could be a really powerful opening with some very emotional content right up front. But as is, if I saw this in the slush, I'd pass.

I hope this helps! Thanks for sharing your first 250 with us, Mary Kate!

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.@Ava_Jae talks exposition and varying sentence/paragraph length in the 14th Fixing the First Page critique. (Click to tweet)

Fixing the First Page #13

Photo credit: zubrow on Flickr

Somehow, we’re nearing August, which is somewhat terrifying and also how is this summer nearly over? Yeesh.

Anyway! We’ve got this month’s first page critique all set up! As these things go, I'll start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I'll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (I'm just one person with one opinion!), as long as it's polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be unceremoniously deleted.

Here we go!

Title: STARBOUND

Genre/Category: Adult Fantasy

First 250: 

“Evening memos never brought good news, and I could smell one in my mailbox. The once beloved sweet, gassy smell of barrel-printing was now the odor of tightened belts and knotted purses. I picked up the page and hissed as the edge sliced the pad of my little finger. 

I sucked my finger and read an order to discharge 30% of my Mental Recovery patients by next week, to prepare for the legions of soldiers returning home from the war. I'd have to choose as if anyone in a bed now was staying in a hospital for the cuisine and ambiance. Who was too mad to leave? Who was sane enough to go? 

I stuffed it in my coat pocket, jogging downstairs and out the front door. 

An Autumn breeze kissed my cheeks, a friend I hadn't met in years. The evening air had a streak of Winter in it, a promise of frost on the grass in the morning and nothing at all of Laneer's everlasting Summer and gunfire. Home. For a moment I believed it. I'm home. 

The heavy door of the hospital swung shut behind me. I lit a cigarette and curled my hand around it to hide the tell-tale light of the burning end, shifted to put a graystone pillar between me and the tree with the best line of sight to the front door. I grimaced at my foolishness, but the band of tension along my shoulders eased. 

Sixteen men. I had to choose them and send them home.”

What an interesting start! Overall, I think this is really well-written, and I like the tension we get right from the first sentence. The conflict is established right away, we get a hint of world building without an info dump and we feel right away for the protagonist, who seems to be a decently nice person stuck in a tough situation. The main tweaks I’m noticing are in-line adjustments (and small ones at that), so I think this is pretty good shape. :)

Let’s take a look at in-line edits:

“Evening memos never brought good news, and I could smell one in my mailbox. Not a huge deal here, because it kind of works, but I still think this could be more visual if the filter phrase was removed and the sentence was re-worded slightly. The once beloved sweet, gassy smell of barrel-printing was now the odor of tightened belts and knotted purses. Great imagery, here. Very evocative. I picked up grabbed the page and hissed as the edge sliced the pad of my little finger. 

I sucked my finger and read an —the order read to discharge 30% of my Mental Recovery (Is this capitalized for a reason?) patients by next week, to prepare for the legions of soldiers returning home from the war. I'd have to choose as if anyone in a bed now was staying in a hospital for the cuisine and ambiance. Who was too mad to leave? Be careful with the implication of craziness—having a mental illness/disorder does not equate to being crazy, and a lot of people take offense to the implication/stereotype. It's not a great thing to perpetuate. Who was sane enough to go? 

I stuffed it in my coat pocket, jogging downstairs and out the front door. 

An Autumn breeze kissed my cheeks, a friend I hadn't met in years. Is there a book-related reason the seasons are capitalized? I’m not sure. The evening air had a streak of Winter in it, a promise of frost on the grass in the morning and nothing at all of Laneer's everlasting Summer and gunfire. Home. GREAT world building here, and I absolutely love the imagery of an everlasting summer and gunfire. Gorgeous. For a moment I believed it. I'm home. 

The heavy door of the hospital swung shut behind me. I lit a cigarette and curled my hand around it to hide the tell-tale light of the burning end,. I shifted to put a graystone pillar between me and the tree with the best a direct line of sight to the front door. I grimaced at my foolishness, I’d like to see this reworded a bit. Why is it foolishness? Is her smoking outside foolish? Hiding behind the pillar foolish? What exactly is going on in her head? If we can see her chastising herself internally with some thoughts, it’d be much even more powerful than what you have here. but the band of tension along my shoulders eased. This is nice, though. I like this. 

Sixteen men. I had to choose them and send them home.” What will happen to the men she sends home prematurely? I think it’d be good to get a hint of that in here somewhere, just so we truly understand the stakes.

Overall, as I said, I think this is really well done and the tweaks are minor. If you’re careful with wordiness and give us a bit more of a hint on the stakes at play here, I think you’ll be completely set with this first 250. If I saw this in the slush, I’d keep reading!

I hope this helps! Thanks for sharing your first 250, Angela!

Would you like to be featured in a Fixing the First Page Feature? Keep an eye out for the next giveaway!

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.@Ava_Jae talks vivid imagery and setting the stakes in the 13th Fixing the First Page critique. (Click to tweet)

Fixing the First Page Feature #12

Photo credit: hehaden on Flickr

It’s nearly July, which means it’s time for this month’s fixing the first page critique! Woot! As these things go, I'll start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I'll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (I'm just one person with one opinion!), as long as it's polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be unceremoniously deleted.

Let’s do this.

Title: ALMENDRA’S JOURNEY

Genre/Category: YA Fantasy

First 250:

“Almendra opened her eyes on the seventh chime of the clock. She quickly sat up, stretched and smiled. Just then the door to her room opened and in entered a large, grey wolf with a tray on his back. 

‘Good morning, Woo,’ said Almendra, her face splitting into a grin. She pecked the wolf on the nose and took a large mug of hot tea from the tray. Breathing in the familiar scent of mint, she clutched the cup in her hands and raised it into the air like one would a goblet at a feast, her hazel eyes alight with humour. 

‘Cheers!’ she said loudly and ‘May today be the day!’ before bringing the cup to her lips, an expression of bliss on her face. Woo walked towards the window and drew back the curtains with the help of his teeth – the sky outside was murky grey. Almendra drank up her tea and placed it back onto the tray just as Woo was leaving the room. 

In one big leap, she bounded out of bed, ran across the carpeted floor and slipped behind the screen, her long, brown hair flying in her wake. Almendra picked up a thick rope, lying in a coil on the floor, with an iron hook on one end, then wound it around a huge wheel it was fixed to on the other end, opened the window and threw the rope down. 

A second later the hook hit the ground with a clunk.”

Okay. So I’ve frequently mentioned that characters waking up is a somewhat overused opening, and whether or not it’s working here is hard to say based off just the first 250 words. Right now, the biggest thing I’m noticing (besides some wordiness which I’ll address in a minute) is a) there isn’t any hint of conflict and b) I’m not really sure what’s going on. Obviously I don’t expect everything to be explained in the first page, but there are a few things here that could be expanded on, like what Almendra is doing near the end of the excerpt. Does she always go out her window like that? Is she not allowed to leave and sneaking out her window?

As I’m not sure what the conflict is here, it could be interpreted as Almendra’s daily morning ritual, in which case I’d recommend moving the opening closer to the inciting incident.

Also, I like her wolf. :)

Okay, now the in-line edits.

“Almendra opened her eyes on the seventh chime of the clock. As I said above, I’m hesitant to recommend opening with your character waking up. It’s been done a lot, and as this doesn’t look particularly different (character wakes up, has breakfast, leaves), I think you may want to consider starting later in your story. She quickly sat up, stretched and smiled. Jjust then as the door to her bedroom door opened and in entered a large, grey wolf with a tray on his back entered. 

‘Good morning, Woo,.’ said Almendra, her face splitting into a grin. She pecked the wolf on the nose and took a large mug of hot tea from the tray. Breathing in the familiar scent of mint, she clutched the cup in her hands and raised it into the air like one would a goblet at a feast, her hazel eyes alight with humour. The bits that I’m recommending you cut are phrases and words that I feel aren’t really pulling their weight and/or read a little clunky.

‘Cheers!’ she said loudly and ‘May today be the day!’ she said loudly before bringing the cup to her lips and sighing with the first sip, an expression of bliss on her face. Or something like that. But rather than saying there’s an expression of bliss on her face, it’d be more effective to show how that bliss makes her react physically, so we can put two and two together without being told. Woo walked towards the window and drew back the curtains with the help of his teeth – the sky outside was murky grey. Almendra drank up her tea and placed it back onto the tray just as Woo was leaving left the room. Now that I’m reading this a second time, I’m more sure than ever that this opening is starting too soon. The issue is nothing has really happened, so the opening doesn’t hook you in as well as it could. The bit about her wolf is interesting, but I think it could be shown a different way that doesn’t require us seeing her morning routine. 

In one big leap, sShe bounded out of bed, ran across the carpeted floor and slipped behind the screen, her long, brown hair flying in her wake. There’s no way she did all of that in one leap unless she can fly. You may want to consider rewording. Almendra picked up a thick rope, lying in a coiled on the floor, with an iron hook on one end, then wound it around a huge wheel it was fixed to on the other end, opened the window and threw the rope down. 

A second later tThe hook hit the ground with a clunk.”

So I’m thinking overall, the biggest issue is there isn’t enough going on in the opening to really pull me in, which could be relatively easily fixed by moving the opening closer to the inciting incident. Other than that, there’s also some wordiness here, which usually indicates wordiness throughout the MS, so I recommend you take some time to go through your WIP and look specifically for places where you could condense your sentences.

I like the glimpse of the world we’ve gotten here, and I’m definitely curious about that wolf and what kind of world Almendra lives in that a wolf can bring her tea. :) This sounds like it could be an interesting story, we juts need a stronger hook to pull readers in. If I were to see this in the slush, I’d probably pass for that reason.

I hope this helps! Thanks for sharing your first 250, Farida!

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.@Ava_Jae talks starting in the right place & wordiness in the 12th Fixing the 1st Page critique. (Click to tweet)

Fixing the First Page Feature #9

Photo credit: Auntie P

Time for the ninth first 250 critique! As these things go, I’ll start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I’ll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (because, as I’ve said before and I’ll keep saying, I’m only one person with one opinion!), as long as it’s polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be removed.

Here we go!

Title: THE LAST ADAGIO

Genre/Category: YA Dark Fantasy

First 250:

“When I closed my eyes, I could almost forget everything around me. 

Music has a way of grabbing you by the shoulders, of playing your heartstrings and rippling shivers throughout your whole body. Of slowly levitating you away from where you are, a mere suggestion of transcendence. The notes that echoed throughout the room were like fading promises of impossible things, and you believed them and let them take you wherever they wished. 

But then the music ended. I opened my eyes, realizing everyone was as they should be, sitting quietly in their places, as if the melody had not reached deep inside and grabbed at their core. The whole room was still, frozen in anticipation. I could still hear the notes that lingered in the air… but soon they were gone, taking the eerie feeling away with them. 

There was a moment of silence. Then, as the man slowly lifted his fingers from the white keys of the piano, everyone let out a joined sigh, as if they finally had permission to breathe. A couple of hours before I could never imagine someone having that kind of power over so many people, a musician or not. Apparently neither had the others in the concert hall. But now… 

The sudden round of applause interrupted my thoughts. I stood up as so many others did and joined them gladly. Just as promised, this had been a concert I wouldn't soon forget.”  

So my initial impression is this is okay, but it’s not really grabbing me. The second paragraph (or the first full-length paragraph, however you look at it), felt to me like it was trying a little too hard. This is actually pretty common—sometimes, I think, writers get so caught up in trying to make their writing sound beautiful and insightful that it starts to read a little stiff and…prose-y. I’m not sure I’m explaining that well. Basically, when writing starts to read like writing (rather than when the reader doesn’t notice the writing), it becomes noticeable.

The other thing I noticed is there isn’t much tension or conflict here. Granted, conflict isn’t absolutely 150% necessary in the first 250, but I do tend to like to at least see some sort of hint of a problem (even if it isn’t the problem), because otherwise, unless the voice immediately grabs me, I tend to lose interest.

Now for the in-line notes!

“When I closed my eyes, I could almost forget everything around me. This, to me, is not a strong enough opening line. This sentiment of closing one’s eyes are shutting out the world is pretty commonly used, and so it doesn’t really have much impact or immediately draw my interest. 

Music has a way of grabbing you by the shoulders, of playing your heartstrings and rippling shivers throughout your whole body. Of slowly levitating you away from where you are, a mere suggestion of transcendence. This is a specific example of what I mean by sounding prose-y. The notes that echoed throughout the room were like fading promises of impossible things, and you believed them and let them take you wherever they wished. I like the bolded part and I think it’s nice, but on the first page, combined with the rest of the paragraph, it still reads like trying to sound like beautiful prose.

But then the music ended. I opened my eyes., realizing eEveryone was as they should be, sitting quietly in their places, as if the melody hadn’t not reached deep inside and grabbed at their core. Two notes: first, I removed “realizing” to get rid of the filtering in this sentence. Second, the bolded section, to me, also reads prose-y to me. The whole room was still, frozen in anticipation. I could still hear the nNotes that lingered in the air… but soon they were gone faded, taking the eerie feeling away with them. Rather than talking about the “eerie feeling” and the melody reaching inside other people, I want to get in your POV character’s head. How does this feeling make your protagonist feel physically (as opposed to theoretically, in this case)? The narrative, so far, has been pretty distant, which overarching statements about music and what it can do, but I haven’t seen much from your protagonist. I think especially in openings where not a whole lot happens, deep POV can be a great way to draw readers in, but it’s missing here. 

Also, I removed “I could still hear the” because filtering, and “they were gone” and “away” to condense a little and improve the flow of the sentence. 

There was a moment of silence. Then, as the man slowly lifted his fingers from the white piano keys of the piano, everyone let out a joined sigh, as if they finally had permission to breathe. Condensed to cut down on wordiness. A couple of hours before I could never imagine someone having that kind of power over so many people, a musician or not. Apparently neither had the others in the concert hall. But now… 

The sudden A round of applause interrupted my thoughts. I stood up as so with many others did and joined them gladly. Here, your protagonist is telling readers about how they feel, but I’m not feeling it. I want to experience what your protagonist is experiencing, but in order for readers to do that, we need to see more from the protagonist and really get in their heads. Just as promised, this had been a concert I wouldn't soon forget.”

Okay, so having read this a second time, I’m wondering if this is starting in the right place. This is a YA Dark Fantasy, so my guess is maybe something foreboding or bad happens shortly after this in the same scene. If that’s the case, this may be okay, but I’d still like to see hints of that right from the beginning, even if it’s subtle. Right now, with absolutely no tension or conflict on the first page, and a voice that isn’t really pulling me in, I would probably skim a couple pages, but would be leaning toward a pass.

I think this could be really great and I like the idea of starting with a concert gone wrong (assuming it does go wrong), but I think it’s important for us to get more deeply into your protagonist’s POV, so that we can really experience what the protagonist is experiencing and readers will hopefully be more drawn in from the start because of it.

I hope this helps! Thanks for sharing your first 250, Diana!

Would you like to be featured in a Fixing the First Page Feature? Keep an eye out for the next giveaway!

Twitter-sized bites:

.@Ava_Jae talks the importance of deep POV in the 9th Fixing the First Page critique. (Click to tweet)

Fixing the First Page Feature #8

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Number eight, here we go! As per usual, I’ll start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I’ll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (because, as I will continue to say, I’m only one person with one opinion!), as long as it’s polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be deleted.

Let’s do this. :)

Title: LIBERTY’S TEARS 

Genre/Category: Inspirational/Christian Fiction 

First 250:  

“Libby paced the living room of her Berkeley apartment and checked the clock on the wall for the dozenth time. In a matter of minutes, Kurt would arrive to pick her up for their eighth date. Eight dates in eight weeks. Had it already been two months? 

Jayne Licerio, Libby’s best friend and roommate, sauntered into the room and over to the counter separating the kitchen from the main living area. “I thought you were going out tonight.” 

"We are.” Libby stopped her pacing and plopped down on the couch. 

“That’s too bad.” Jayne shook her head. “I thought your casual attire meant you’ve finally come to your senses.” 

Libby looked down at the faded denim jeans she wore and feigned a smile. Jayne never liked Kurt. At first Libby didn’t understand why. He was successful, charismatic, and a Christian. What was there not to like? 

But their last date caused Libby to question his motives and made her regret not sticking to her plan of not dating, something she hadn’t done since high school. Getting her college education didn’t allow time for it anyway, and watching what her sister went through convinced Libby men were bad news. When Kurt Stevens swept her off her feet, Libby thought maybe she’d give the male gender another chance. 

Big mistake. 

She took a deep breath and released it, but it did little to relax the ball of nerves rolling in the pit of her stomach.”

Hmmm okay. This is actually not a critique at all, but the coincidence of all these eights is amusing me. Anyway.

At this point, I’m curious about what Kurt did to make Libby question whether going out with him would be a good idea, though I’m thinking it might work better if the reasoning wasn’t withheld from the reader (after all, as we’re in Libby’s third person limited POV, shouldn’t we know what happened?). I’m also a little uncertain about how Libby feels about the date—initially I thought she was just having pre-date nerves, and then she mentions regretting going back on her no-dating policy, which then made me question why she’s going on another date if whatever Kurt did was that bad. Granted, this is only the first 250, and I don’t expect to get Libby’s full motivations right away, but I think a little more clarity on how she’s feeling in this opening would be useful.

Now for the redline critique.

“Libby paced the living room of her Berkeley apartment and checked the clock on the wall for the dozenth time. In a matter of minutes, Kurt would arrive to pick her up for their eighth date any minute now. Eight dates in eight weeks. Had it already been two months? Rather than this thought about the time (as we can see that yes, it’s been two months), I’d like to see something about how Libby feels about the situation. Is she happy they’ve been dating two months? Has it been a good two months? Is she wondering if maybe she should end it? The range of possibilities is super wide, and right now, I have no idea where she stands.  

Jayne Licerio, Libby’s best friend and roommate, sauntered into the room and over to the counter separating the kitchen from the main living room area. Is it important for us to know Jayne’s last name? This is super subjective and more of a peeve for me, but I tend not to care about last names unless they’re major characters (though maybe Jayne is? It’s hard to say this early on). “I thought you were going out tonight.” 

“We are.” Libby stopped her pacing and plopped down on the couch. "“We are.” Check to make sure you're consistent with your quotation marks. You have smart quotes and straight quotes here. 

“That’s too bad.” Jayne shook her head. “I thought your casual attire those ugly jeans meant you’ve finally come to your senses.” I’m not sure if it fits Jayne’s character to call her jeans ugly, but the idea is to go with a specific detail rather than a vague descriptor. Also, “attire” sounds too formal for the situation.  

Libby looked down at the her faded denim jeans she wore and feigned a smile. Jayne never liked Kurt. At first Libby didn’t understand why. He was successful, charismatic, and a Christian. What was there not to like? Is there a way you can show this? Maybe Jayne could make a comment like “You’ve never liked Kurt.” Otherwise, I’d condense to something like “It’d been easy to ignore Jayne’s warnings about Kurt until their last date…” The bit about him being successful, charismatic, and Christian you can show us through Kurt’s actions and characterization. 

But their last date caused Libby to question his motives and made her regret breaking her no-dating policy not sticking to her plan of not dating, something she hadn’t done since high school. Having read this a second time now, I’d definitely rather know what happened. The detail would be more grounding and make sense, considering we’re in Libby’s POV. Or, if you don’t want to give it all away immediately, then hint at the disaster date with a detail rather than vaguely talking about it. Getting her college education didn’t allow time for it anyway, and watching what her sister went through convinced Libby men were bad news. When Kurt Stevens swept her off her feet, Libby thought maybe she’d give the male gender another chance. I’d cut this and show us this backstory bit by bit later on. I think you’ve got too much backstory in this opening, and it’s slowing down the narrative considerably.  

Big mistake. 

She took a deep breath and released it exhaled slowly, but it did little to relax the ball of nerves rolling in the pit of her stomach. Reworded to avoid repetition of ‘it.’”

Overall, I think this opening can work with some tweaks, but at the moment a lot of the backstory and explaining is slowing down the action. Nothing has happened at the end of your first page, and I think it’d be helpful to move things along a little more quickly. Remember: we don’t need all the backstory upfront, and oftentimes, it’s much more effective to spread it out. Also, you've got a bit of wordiness throughout, which indicates you probably have the same issue throughout the rest of your manuscript. I've done what I can to try to condense here on the first page, but I recommend you try to do the same to the rest of the WIP.

If I saw this in the slush, I’d probably pass, however that’s largely because I tend to prefer a quicker pace in submissions (so super super subjective). That said, I think with some fixes, this could be a great start with some interesting conflict upfront.

Thanks for sharing your first 250, Linda!

Would you like to be featured in a Fixing the First Page Feature? Keep an eye out for the next giveaway! 

Twitter-sized bites: 

.@Ava_Jae talks balancing backstory and pacing in the 8th Fixing the First Page critique. (Click to tweet)

What Your First 250 is Telling Your Readers

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I’ve said it before, and it’s likely I’ll say it several times more: your first few pages are, arguably, the most important pages of your book. And the first 250 words? The most important of those first pages.

This isn’t a secret in the publishing world, in fact, it’s why writers spend so much time and effort making that first 250 gleam. But I think, sometimes, writers don’t fully realize everything that the first 250 words of their manuscript tells readers, whether they intend them to or not.

So here we go.

• This is my protagonist. Regardless of whether or not your opening page starts with your actual protagonist, readers will assume the first character they meet is indeed your protagonist. Later pages will confirm or disprove that assumption, but by and large, this is what readers will think.
  
  This is also the first point of connection for your readers—they're immediately going to be making judgments about your protagonist, and it's up to you to decide what kinds of assumptions you want your readers to be making. First impressions matter, and this is where you want your readers to start to care about your protagonist (otherwise, that aforementioned point of connection doesn't exist).
  
  If you don’t mention anyone in the first 250 words of your manuscript, then readers are likely to feel a little lost and disconnected. Characters ground us in the world of your book, and without them at the beginning, it’s very difficult to emotionally connect with your story—after all, no one is there to connect to.
  


• This is my protagonist’s world. In the very first pages, readers are absorbing as much as they can about the world of your book. With the first 250, readers start off with absolutely nothing (except for a quick summary, that is)—we don’t know what your protagonist looks like, where the first scene will take place, the rules of the world, etc. Your first page should start to paint that picture for the readers, and while obviously not everything is going to be answered on the first page, by the end of the initial 250, readers should at least be able to picture where the scene is taking place, and have some initial hints of the world rules in your book.
  
  If you don’t give your readers any hints to grab on to about the book’s world at all, then they’re going to feel a little lost again—this time, because your story will be happening in a vacuum, which means we have characters to hold on to but nothing else. Unfortunately, this is just as problematic as not having a protagonist to hold on to at all…


• This is what the writing/voice will be like. Fair or not, readers are going to make assumptions about your entire book based off that first 250.
  
  Read that again. I’ll wait. Got it? Okay.
  
  While a scattered typo, grammatical error, or line of passive voice isn’t going to kill your manuscript, having more than one example of any of those in your first 250 is immediately going to give the reader the impression that they can expect much more of it in the rest of your manuscript. Voice works much the same way—however your first page is written, and whatever bits of voice you give us on the first page, is what the readers are going to expect from the rest of the manuscript.
  
  Remember, however, that this works both ways: not only does it mean you have to make your first 250 shine, but it means you have to make the rest of your manuscript equally shiny. It’s not at all uncommon to see writers polish their first 250 (or first fifty pages), only to forget to do the same to the rest of their manuscript (which didn’t get critiqued quite as much). The only way to avoid this is to try to apply any critique you get on the beginning of your manuscript to the rest of the story. 


• This is a hint of the initial conflict. Right, so, while you definitely don’t need to spell out the full conflict on the first page (in fact, it’d probably be a mess if you did), readers should have some kind of hint of conflict. It doesn’t have to be the conflict, even, it could be something related to the main conflict, or something that will lead it up to it. But planting the seeds early gives readers something to follow and become immediately interested in as they start reading.
  
  If you don’t have even a hint of conflict on the first page, then you risk making your readers worry that the story might be on the slow side. They might give you some leeway through the first chapter, but I definitely recommend you try to plant those seeds of conflict as soon as you organically can.

As a reader, what do you look for on the first page of a book? 

Twitter-sized bite:

What are the first 250 words of your MS telling readers? Writer @Ava_Jae breaks it down. (Click to tweet)

Fixing the First Page Feature #7

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All right! So as these things go, I’m going to start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I’ll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. As per usual, I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (because, as I will continue to say, I’m only one person with one opinion!), as long as it’s polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be deleted.

Here we go!

Title: CLAN FEIDHELM (working title)  

Genre/Category: NA Fantasy 

First 250: 

“Caera barely managed to duck in time. Had she hesitated for even a split second, the spear’s iron tip would have sliced open her face from cheek to ear.

She jabbed her own spear at her opponent, but Danu was ready for it. She caught Caera’s strike on her shield and knocked it aside. Caera backpedaled. Always move to the right, she reminded herself. That movement will give you the natural advantage nine times out of ten. She circled in that direction, wary. Danu did the same, her eyes narrowed in a predatory stare.

Caera swallowed and shifted her double-handed grip on her weapon. She feinted left but before she could spin away, Danu kicked her in the knee. An involuntary gasp escaped Caera’s lips as her knee twisted at an awkward angle, sending a sharp shot of pain up her leg as it crumpled beneath her.

Before she could regain her footing, Danu lowered her shield and slammed it against Caera’s shoulder, sending her sprawling into the tight-packed dirt. She lost her grip on her spear as her back slammed against the ground, knocking the breath from her body. Then Danu’s foot was on her chest, pinning her down. Her spearhead pricked the exposed skin of Caera’s throat.

‘Dead yet again,’ Danu said. ‘That’s what, the fourth time today I would’ve killed you?’ She pulled back her spear and grinned.

‘Third,’ Caera corrected. She sat up and smiled wryly at her cousin. ‘Only the third, thank you very much.’”

Cute! Okay, so overall I think this is a fun start. I don’t see anything glaringly obvious that would make me immediately put this down (yay!), though my main caution with openings like this that start in medias res is to make sure that start to care about your protagonist quickly or the danger (real or not) won’t matter to the readers. How you do that is up to you (and might take more than a page to establish, which is okay).

Now the redline critique:

“Caera barely managed to duck in time. Had she hesitated for even a split second, the spear’s iron tip would have sliced open her face from cheek to ear. This isn’t a bad opening, but it’s a little wordy. I’d condense to: “Had Caera hesitated for even a second, the spear’s iron tip would’ve sliced open her face from cheek to ear.” 

She jabbed her own spear at her opponent, but Danu was ready for it. She caught Caera’s strike on her shield, and knocked knocking it aside. Caera backpedaled. Always move to the right, she reminded herself. That movement will It’ll give you the natural advantage nine times out of ten. She circled in that direction right, wary. Danu did the same, her eyes narrowed in a predatory stare.

Caera swallowed and shifted her double-handed grip on her weapon. She feinted left but before she could spin away, Danu kicked her in the knee. An involuntary gasp escaped Caera’s lips Caera gasped as her knee twisted at an awkwardly. angle, sending a sharp shot of Sharp pain shot up her leg as it crumpled beneath her.

Before she could regain her footing, Danu lowered her shield and slammed it her shield against Caera’s shoulder, sending her sprawling into the tight-packed dirt. She lost her grip on dropped her spear as her back slammed against the ground, knocking the breath from her body. Then Danu’s foot was on her chest, pinning her down. Her spearhead pricked the exposed skin of Caera’s throat.

‘Dead yet again,’ Danu said. ‘That’s what, the fourth time today I would’ve killed you?’ (First super nitpicky comment: this “I’ve killed you x-times today” thing is used a lot. I’m not saying you shouldn’t use it (in fact, I’ve used it) but it’s good to be aware that it’s relatively common. You may want to consider using a different line of dialogue, or maybe not. Up to you, but it’s good to think about.) She pulled back her spear and grinned.

‘Third,’ Caera corrected. She sat up and smiled wryly at her cousin. (Second super nitpicky comment: Caera just got her knee twisted pretty badly, which sounded like a serious injury. If it’s not a serious injury, then okay, but in my experience, twisting your knee, even if it’s not super bad, hurts for a while, so I’m not totally convinced on how smiley she’d be right now.) ‘Only the third, thank you very much.’”

So, right, you’ll notice that I only have two in-line comments because overall, I think this was done pretty well. The biggest thing I noticed, which I suspect is going to be a manuscript-wide issue, is there’s a lot of wordiness. This, like my comments, is a nitpicky observation, but I recommend you go through your manuscript and try to condense wherever you can, using one powerful word instead of three, if that makes sense.

That being said, if I saw this in the slush, I’d keep reading. I’m curious, and wordiness isn’t enough to totally set me off from a submission if the story is interesting. :)

Very nice job! Thanks for sharing your first 250, Meghan!

Would you like to be featured in a Fixing the First Page Feature? Keep an eye out for the next giveaway! 

Twitter-sized bite: 

.@Ava_Jae talks wordiness and condensing your writing in the 7th Fixing the First Page crit. (Click to tweet) 

Fixing the First Page Feature #6

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Okay! So as per usual, I’ll start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I’ll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. As always, I totally encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (because I’m only one person with one opinion!), as long as it’s polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be removed.

Let’s get started!

Title: THREE GHOSTS FOR ANASTASIA 

Category/Genre: YA Paranormal Romance 

Excerpt:  

“The little girl entered the bedroom, following her parents. Her little face was red and she tried to hold her tears when she saw her grandma lying in the bed, sleeping peacefully, while the color had already left her face. 

‘Grandma…’ she whispered with broken voice and her mother brought a chair, making her sit near her grandmother’s side; she asked her to remain quiet and wait here, as patted her head. 

‘Ok mommy, I will wait here.’ And she blew her nose. 

‘That’s my girl, we will be right back.’ She said kissing her on the cheek, and she left the room. 

It was quiet, really quiet, as if the sound had disappeared and the girl looked at her grandmother. She always smiled every time she and her parents visited her as also she used to tell the best stories and making cookies. In that thought new tears started to flow and the girl whipped them away. 

‘No!’ the girl screamed but she realized that, on the spot he had cut, a faint glow, and then, a shining silver light appeared creating a small ball which was now floating above the dead woman’s body. 

Suddenly the temperature fell drastically and the girl started to feel the chill down to her spine. Looking around her she realized that everything had become darker until she turned her eyes across the other side of the bed. A man dressed in black, tall with black hair and eyes stood above her grandmother’s body.”

Okay, interesting start. I’m curious about the spontaneously appearing man (grim reaper-type character, perhaps?). Writing-wise, there are a couple grammatical errors that I’ll adjust, but you may want to be careful because generally, when there are a lot of grammatical errors on the first page, it’s a sign that there are a lot of grammatical errors throughout (if this is a weakness of yours, critique partners can definitely help weed them out!). I was also a little confused about what happened between paragraph three and four—I felt like I was missing a paragraph, because there’s reference to “he” and a “cut” that seemed to come out of nowhere (maybe I am missing a paragraph?).

Plot-wise, I’m getting the sense that this is probably a prologue (deaths with mysterious figures on first pages are a pretty common prologue trope). You may want to be careful with this, if only because as I said before, this kind of opening/prologue is common, especially among YA Paranormals.

Finally, I’d also like to see more about the setting. We know about the bed, and the room is dark, but that’s about it. What kind of room is she in? Is it a small bedroom? A large hospital room? Are there any clues you can give us so we know where we are in time? Is it winter with little heating in the room, or winter with the heat blasting, or in the middle of summer with the room stifling? There’s a lot we don’t know, and I’d like to be able to have at least a little bit of a sense for where we are in place and time.

Now for the in-line critique:

“The little girl entered the bedroom, following her parents. Rather than starting with “the little girl,” which is really generic, I’d rather know our protagonist’s name (assuming she is our protagonist). Her little face was red (If you get rid of “the little girl” in the first sentence, then this is okay. If not, I’d reword to avoid the repetition of “little.”) and she tried to hold her tears when she saw her grandma lying in the bed, (“She saw” is an example of a filter phrase/“thought” verb. If you haven’t read Chuck Palahniuk’s article on “Thought” verbs, I highly recommend it (my CPs can attest to the fact that I throw this article at absolutely everyone, often more than once). The short version is this: filter phrases distance the reader from the narrative by placing an extra layer into the writing (with the “filter”), and thus, you can make your writing more immediate by removing them.) sleeping peacefully, while the color had already left her face. Whose face? The little girl’s, or the grandmother’s?  

‘Grandma…’ she whispered with a broken voice and her mother brought a chair, making her sit near her grandmother’s side; she asked her to remain quiet and wait here, as she patted her head. This sentence is really long. I recommend breaking it up to make it easier to read.  

‘Okay mommy, I will wait here.’ I don’t think you need the part I bolded. Most kids don’t repeat verbatim anyway, and the addition makes the dialogue sound a little stiff, to me. And she blew her nose. I don’t think you need the “and,” either.  

‘That’s my girl, we will be right back.’ I recommend changing “we will” to “we’ll” to help the dialogue flow a little better. She said kissing her on the cheek, and she left the room. 

It was quiet, really quiet, as if the sound had disappeared (As is, this description is a little redundant. I recommend choosing a stronger word or analogy for the quiet, instead.) and the girl looked at her grandmother. She (Who? The girl? Or her grandmother?) always smiled every time she and her parents visited her as also she used to tell the best stories and making cookies. I’m not convinced we really need to know this information. Most people have nice memories of their grandmother, and these memories aren’t really especially specific. If it’s not essential to the story, I would cut it. In that thought (You don’t need this, IMO) new tears started to (You don’t need that phrase, either) flowed and the girl whipped them away. 

‘No!’ the girl screamed but she realized (This is also a filter phrase—see above note about filter phrases) that, on the spot he (he? Who is he? Is this a typo?) had cut (What cut? Who cut what? Am I missing a section?), a faint glow, and then, a shining silver light appeared creating a small ball (This could easily be condensed into “a glowing silver ball of light” or something of the like) which was now floating above the dead woman’s body. 

Suddenly (The word “suddenly” always removes the suddenness of whatever follows, because by saying “suddenly,” you’re warning the reader that something is about to happen. See the first point in this post for more details) the temperature fell drastically (Can you show us how this feels rather than telling us that the temperature dropped?) and the girl started to (You don’t need this) feel (This is a filter phrase again) the chill down to her spine. Looking around her she realized (Also a filter phrase) that everything had become darker (Can you describe this, rather than telling us?) until she turned her eyes across the other side of the bed. A man dressed in black, tall with black hair (I’d reword to avoid the repetition of “black”) and eyes stood above her grandmother’s body.” I’m not sure how to picture this. Is he floating above her? Standing on something that’s somehow above her body? Standing next to her, but towering over her? It’s a little unclear. 

This has the potential to be really intriguing, but as is, I think it needs some work. If I saw this in the slush, I’d pass.

In the end, remember that this is your story and it’s 100% up to you to decide what changes you do or don’t want to make. But these are my recommendations, and I hope they help!

Thanks for sharing your first 250, Alexandra!

Would you like to be featured in a Fixing the First Page Feature? Keep an eye out for the next giveaway!

Twitter-sized bite: 

.@Ava_Jae talks about filter phrases, show vs. tell & essential (or not) info in the 6th Fixing the First Page crit. (Click to tweet) 

Fixing the First Page Giveaway 4!

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It’s time! For another first page giveaway! Woot! *confetti*

The first page critiques have been fairly popular, so I’ll keep doing them as long as people keep entering. :)

For those who missed it the first time and second and third time, the Fixing the First Page features is a public first 250 word critique. Using the lovely rafflecopter widget, anyone interested in winning a PUBLIC (as in, featured in a post on this blog) first page critique can enter.

For an example of what this critique will look like, here's the last Fixing the First Page post (and the one before that and the one before that).

Rules!

• ONLY the first 250 words will be critiqued (up to finishing the sentence). If you win and send me more, I will crop it myself. No exceptions.


• ONLY the first page. I don’t want 250 random words from your manuscript, or from chapter 3. If you win the critique and send me anything other than the first 250 words of your manuscript, I will choose someone else.


• I will actually critique it. Here. On the blog. I will say things as nicely as I can, but I do tend to be a little blunt. If you’re not sure you can handle a public critique, then you may want to take some time to think about it before you enter.


• Genre restrictions. I am most experienced with YA & NA, but I will still accept MG and Adult. HOWEVER. If your first page has any erotic content on it, I ask that you don’t enter. I want to be able to post the critique and the first 250 in its entirety without making anyone uncomfortable, and if you win and you enter a page with erotic content, I will choose someone else.


• You must have your first page ready. Should you win, you need to be able to submit your first page within 48 hours of my contacting you to let you know you won. If 48 hours pass and I haven’t heard from you, again, I will choose someone else.


• You’ll get the most out of this if it isn’t a first draft. Obviously, I have no way of knowing if you’re handing me a first draft (though I will probably suspect because it’s usually not that difficult to tell). I won’t refuse your page if it’s a first draft, but you should know that this critique will likely be of more use if you’ve already had your betas/CPs look over it. Why? Because if you don’t, the critique I give you will probably contain a lot of notes that your betas & CPs could have/would have told you


• There will not be a round 2 (unless you win again in a future contest). I hate to have to say this, but if you win a critique, it’s NOT an invitation to send me a bunch of your revisions. I wish I had the time available to be able to look at revisions, but sadly, I don’t. If you try to break this rule, I will nicely say no, and also remember to choose someone else should you win a second contest. Which would make me sad. :(

So that’s it! If you’re okay with all of the above and would like to enter to be the fourth public critique on Writability, do the thing with the rafflecopter widget below. You have until Saturday, September 20 at 11:59 EST to enter!

Yay!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Fixing the First Page Giveaway 3!

Photo credit: Guilherme Tondello on Flickr

Time for another first page giveaway! :D

You guys seem to be enjoying these first page critiques, so I’ll keep doing them as long as people keep entering. Yay!

For those who missed it the first time, the Fixing the First Page features is a public first 250 word critique. Using the lovely rafflecopter widget, anyone interested in winning a PUBLIC (as in, featured in a post on this blog) first page critique can enter.

For an example of what this critique will look like, here’s the last Fixing the First Page post (and the one before that).

Rules!

• ONLY the first 250 words will be critiqued (up to finishing the sentence). If you win and send me more, I will crop it myself. No exceptions.


• ONLY the first page. I don’t want 250 random words from your manuscript, or from chapter 3. If you win the critique and send me anything other than the first 250 words of your manuscript, I will choose someone else.


• I will actually critique it. Here. On the blog. I will say things as nicely as I can, but I do tend to be a little blunt. If you’re not sure you can handle a public critique, then you may want to take some time to think about it before you enter.


• Genre restrictions. I am most experienced with YA & NA, but I will still accept MG and Adult. HOWEVER. If your first page has any erotic content on it, I ask that you don’t enter. I want to be able to post the critique and the first 250 in its entirety without making anyone uncomfortable, and if you win and you enter a page with erotic content, I will choose someone else.


• You must have your first page ready. Should you win, you need to be able to submit your first page within 48 hours of my contacting you to let you know you won. If 48 hours pass and I haven’t heard from you, again, I will choose someone else.


• You’ll get the most out of this if it isn’t a first draft. Obviously, I have no way of knowing if you’re handing me a first draft (though I will probably suspect because it’s usually not that difficult to tell). I won’t refuse your page if it’s a first draft, but you should know that this critique will likely be of more use if you’ve already had your betas/CPs look over it. Why? Because if you don’t, the critique I give you will probably contain a lot of notes that your betas & CPs could have/would have told you


• There will not be a round 2 (unless you win again in a future contest). I hate to have to say this, but if you win a critique, it’s NOT an invitation to send me a bunch of your revisions. I wish I had the time available to be able to look at revisions, but sadly, I don’t. If you try to break this rule, I will nicely say no, and also remember to choose someone else should you win a second contest. Which would make me sad. :(

So that’s it! If you’re okay with all of the above and would like to enter to be the third public critique on Writability, do the thing with the rafflecopter widget below. You have until Friday, August 22 at 11:59 EST to enter!

Yay!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Fixing the First Page Feature #2

Photo credit: bittermelon on Flickr

Okay! So as per usual, I’m going to start off by posting the full 250 excerpt, then I’ll share some overall thoughts, then my redline critique. As I said last time, I super awesomely encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques, as long ask it’s polite, thoughtful and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be deleted.

Let’s begin! 

Title: FATHERS AND FENDER GUITARS 

Genre/Category: YA Contemporary 

First 250:  

As I waited in the doorway of Rusty’s Dive Bar, Greg the bouncer, and I had become friends. I’d learned about his five cats, his next tattoo, and now, dating advice. “If he ain’t on time, you can’t trust him with a dime.” 

“Whitman’s running late. He’ll be here before the band starts.” I resumed twisting one of my red curls around a finger. Since I wasn’t old enough—or allowed to—drive at night, I’d gotten dropped off with plenty of extra time. “So, which of your cats is the nicest?” 

Before he could answer, the bar’s radio blasted a Union Juliet song. I winced. Greg apologized. “Sorry, dearie. They too rowdy for you?” 

“I don’t like punk rock.” 

“You’re missing out. Back in the day, Union J played the straight up truth.” 

The kids tagging one of Cleveland’s many abandoned buildings next to us must have been inspired by the song, because he started to spraypaint Union Juliet’s logo. IAO, FAA. Two sets of three letters, crossing at the letter A. 

As the tagger circled the A with red paint, changing it from a letter to a political sign, someone shouted my name—or rather the name I’d been using for the last eight months. 

“Elaine Nickels!” 

Bouncer Greg elbowed me. “He’s here!” 

“That’s not my boyfriend.” I said. 

The approaching voice shouted my name again. Logan. Seeing him was all I needed to bolt away from the bar, running until I could no longer hear the song.

Hmmm okay. So overall I think this is a solid start, but it could use a lot more detail and sensory imagery so the readers can really get a feel of the scene, the surroundings, etc. Rusty’s Dive Bar sounds like it could be a really interesting and unique setting, so I’d love to see more about it so I could really get into the character of the place. I like how at the end we start getting a sense of the tension that’s to come, and I’m definitely curious about Logan and why Elaine’s initial instinct is to run. I’m also curious about why Elaine changed her name. But overall, it’s definitely not a bad start—I just think it could use a little extra oomph added to it. 

Now the in-line edits: 

As I waited in the doorway of Rusty’s Dive Bar, Greg the bouncer, and I had become friends. Copyediting is not my area of expertise, but the commas are definitely tripping me up in this first sentence, particularly around “Rusty’s Dive Bar, Greg the bouncer, and I….” I’d learned about his five cats, his next tattoo, and now, dating advice. How does she feel about the dating advice (and cats and tattoo stories)? This would be a good opportunity to give us some of your protag’s personality. “If he ain’t on time, you can’t trust him with a dime.” 

“Whitman’s running late. He’ll be here before the band starts.” I resumed twisting one of my red curls around a finger. Since I wasn’t old enough—or allowed to—drive at night, I’d gotten dropped off with plenty of extra time. I’m not sure what you’re trying to imply with the "allowed to" aside. As for the second bolding in that sentence, does that mean she’s been waiting a long time? How does she feel about Whitman’s lateness? Again, if you give us some insight as to what’s going on in her head, we can really learn a lot about your protagonist’s personality. This is a huge part of voice, which is extremely important in YA (particularly Contemporary). “So, which of your cats is the nicest?” 

Before he could answer, the bar’s radio blasted a Union Juliet song. I winced. Greg apologized. “Sorry, dearie. They too rowdy for you?” 

“I don’t like punk rock.” 

“You’re missing out. Back in the day, Union J played the straight up truth.” 

The kids tagging one of Cleveland’s many abandoned buildings next to us must have been inspired by the song, because he started to spraypaint Union Juliet’s logo. Spray paint is two words. IAO, FAA. Two sets of three letters, crossing at the letter A. Is this two different logos? Or are all six letters layered over each other? I’m having a little trouble picturing this.  

As the tagger circled the A with red paint, changing it from a letter to a political sign, someone shouted my name—or rather the name I’d been using for the last eight months. Be specific—I assume you’re referring to the anarchy moniker with the political sign reference, so say so. “Elaine Nickels!”

Bouncer Greg elbowed me. “He’s here!” 

“That’s not my boyfriend.” Comma, not period should be after “boyfriend.” I said. This would be a good place to start to give us a taste of how she’s feeling upon realizing the person who’s calling her is not someone she wanted to see. Give us some physical, visceral reactions so we can really feel her emotions.  

The approaching voice shouted my name again. A mini-description of the guy coming over would be helpful here, so we can picture him. Logan. Seeing him was all I needed to bolt away from the bar, running until I could no longer hear the song. Give us some description—does she have to push through a crowd to get away? Does she run past the taggers in the alley? Down the street? Is it hot? Cold? Rainy? Muggy? Some sensory images would be great here. 

Like I said above, this is a good start, but it needs some filling in. With some extra sensory details, we’ll really be able to get a better picture so we can experience what the protagonist is experiencing. If I saw this in the slush, I’d probably keep reading, though I’d already be thinking that if there isn’t much more description, it’s probably going to be a pass. In order for readers to connect to a story, they need to be able to become completely immersed in the writing, and that’s difficult to do without enough imagery. 

It doesn’t have to be a lot (and in fact, it shouldn’t be a lot). But a few sprinkles here and there of telling details will really help to make this shine. 

Thanks for sharing your first 250, Carrie Ann! 

Would you like to be featured in a Fixing the First Page Feature? Keep an eye out for the next giveaway! 

Twitter-sized bite: 

Writer @Ava_Jae talks sensory details and imagery in openings in the second Fixing the First Page critique. (Click to tweet)