Fixing the First Page Feature #40

Photo credit: vpickering on Flickr

November is nearly here! Which means the holiday season is so close you can already hear the music, the cooler weather is on it's way in the northern hemisphere (in theory) and, of course, it's time for the next fixing the first page feature!

As usual, I'll start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I'll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (because I'm one person with one opinion!), as long as it's polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be unceremoniously deleted.

Let's do this.

Title: ONE MORE SAD SONG

Genre/Category: YA Contemporary

First 250: 

"Zeke Williams had had his first wet dream about his best friend when he was thirteen years old. It had been one of his first wet dreams,period, definitely the first one that he remembered, not one where he just woke up sticky and feeling a little bit grossed out, a little bit satisfied, a lot bit totally unaware what had just happened. In this one he’d been with Kevin and they’d been skating, going up and down the cul-de-sac Kevin lived in, doing rudimentary tricks on the makeshift ramps Kevin had managed to cobble together, and then Zeke had taken a pretty bad spill and then while Kevin was patching him up… 

He’d never forgotten about it, and now, four years later when they were going into their junior year of high school, still trying to do stupid tricks off of a cobbled together ramp, as he fucked up his balance and ended up skidding pretty far on the rough asphalt, tearing the hell out of his forearms, he had a brief flashback to the dream. Kevin kicked up his board and came for him. 'I’m good,' he said. He pushed himself up to sit and poked at his arm. Some good-looking roadburn, but nothing broken, and it was just his arm. He didn’t skateboard with his arm. 

'I’ll go get some gauze,' Kevin said. 'Gotta wrap that shit up, son.'"

Hmmm okay. So, I definitely feel like you could show Zeke has a crush on his best friend without immediately diving into, like...wet dreams. Not that there's anything wrong with wet dreams, but it's very personal information for a character we are meeting right this second. It also kind of treads a little into fetishizing territory, which I know was not the intention, but yeah, that's a thing.

I think, instead, it'd be more effective (and less likely to immediately turn readers off) if you showed Zeke's crush through his interactions with Kevin in the moment, through his thoughts and internal reactions. Maybe he briefly considers how embarrassed (or whatever) he is that he's had those kind of dreams about his best friend, which is fine, but I wouldn't recommend starting with that.

So that's what I'm thinking overall right now. Let's dive into the line edits.

"Zeke Williams had had his first wet dream about his best friend when he was thirteen years old. It' had been one of his first wet dreams,[space]period, definitely the first one that he remembered, not one where he just woke up sticky and feeling a little bit grossed out, a little bit satisfied, a lot bit totally unaware what had just happened I find this bit hard to believe. Even at thirteen, he'd know what happened. Even if his school didn't do sex ed, he would've heard from his peers, or the media, etc. In this one he’d been with Kevin and they’d been skating, going up and down the Kevin's cul-de-sac Kevin lived in, doing rudimentary easy tricks on the makeshift ramps Kevin had managed to cobbled together, and then Zeke had taken a pretty bad spill and then while Kevin was patching him up… 

He’d never forgotten about it, and now, four years later when they were going into their junior year of high school, still trying to do stupid tricks off of a cobbled together ramp, as he fucked up his balance and ended up skiddeding pretty far on the rough asphalt, tearing the hell out of his forearms, he had a brief flashback to the dream. 

[new paragraph]Kevin kicked up his board and came for him. 

[new paragraph]'I’m good,.' he said. He pushed himself up to siat up and poked at his arm. Some good-looking road[space]burn, but nothing broken, and it was just his arm. He didn’t skateboard with his arm. 

'I’ll go get some gauze,' Kevin said. 'Gotta wrap that shit up, son.'"

So most of the changes I'm suggesting here are just to condense wordiness, which is a super common critique and something I think we all need to weed out of our work at some point. Overall I think the most important thing is to just reconsider how you open this project. As is, if I saw this in the slush, I would pass.

I hope that helps! Thanks for sharing your first 250 with us, Aurora!

Twitter-sized bite:

.@Ava_Jae talks reworking openings, wordiness and more in the 40th Fixing the First Page Feature. (Click to tweet)

Fixing the First Page Feature #39

Photo credit: WordRidden on Flickr

October is just days away! Which means all things Fall are upon us, the leaves are changing colors, the weather is cooling in the Northern hemisphere (hopefully), and, of course, it's time for the next Fixing the First Page feature.

As usual, I'll start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I'll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (because I'm one person with one opinion!), as long as it's polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be unceremoniously deleted.

Let's do this. 

Title: SONG OF BLOOD

Genre/Category: Fantasy

"The tavern was filled with pirates of various fashion senses. A gaggle of them roared for refills, sporting offensively garish breeches and egos to match. The older ones slouched in corners, black trench coats pulled up around their grizzled faces, rapiers hanging like dead men from their belts. With her outlandishly feathered hat and high collared coat, Captain Scarlet Rogue was right at home. 

She sat in the corner, hands clasped around a mug of ale that, by the look of the tavern, was most certainly watered down. The amber liquid sloshed in her glass as she tipped it back and forth, listening to pirates shout for drinks and pretty barmaids. 

One such barmaid had approached her, asking in a reedy voice if that was all she’d be having. Scarlet ignored her until she flounced off to go sit on some drunkard’s lap. She’d been sitting in the same tavern all day, and her hands were clenched around the mug so tightly she didn’t think she could let go if she tried. 

Her crimson hair was tied up and shoved under her hat, her revolvers tucked away into her coat. She was no longer the feared Scarlet Rogue, captain of the Vespers, a name that had once struck terror into the hearts of every good-hearted merchant and dirty-mouthed sailor. She was just Scarlet, captain of a ship that hadn’t left port in months."

This is so interesting! I love the characterization of Scarlett and definitely have lots of questions, as a reader. There are also some really nice moments of imagery I enjoyed.

I do think it'd be helpful to condense a bit to get to the part about how her ship hasn't left port in months a little faster, though, because I felt like it went on just a tad too much in places where it'd be more effective to get to the point.But overall this was an enjoyable start.

Now for the line edits!

"The tavern was filled with pirates and Captain Scarlet Rouge was right at home of various fashion senses. I'm suggesting you move (part of) the last line to the start, for a few reasons. First, starting with the protagonist right away helps better ground readers, who in your original version are left to kind of float around aimlessly until you mention Scarlet. And secondly, the "various fashions senses" bit wasn't really carrying its own weight, meaning that it was vague and didn't really add enough to the sentence that I felt it was worth keeping. A gaggle of them privateers (or another word for pirates) roared for refills, sporting offensively garish breeches and egos to match. The older ones slouched in corners, black trench coats pulled up around their grizzled faces, rapiers hanging like dead men from their belts. I love this image so much! "rapiers hanging like dead men from their belts" like, what powerful imagery! Really, really nicely done. With her outlandishly feathered hat and high collared coat, Captain Scarlet Rogue was right at home. 

She Scarlet sat in the corner, hands clasped around a mug of ale that, by the look of the tavern, was most certainly watered down. Nice voice. The amber liquid sloshed in her glass as she tipped it back and forth, listening to pirates shout for drinks and pretty barmaids. 

One such barmaid had approached her, asking in a reedy voice if that was all she’d be having. Scarlet ignored her until she flounced off to go sit on some drunkard’s lap. I want to encourage you to be careful with the word choice here, because Scarlett is starting to come off as arrogant, like she thinks the barmaid is beneath her. It's not endearing. She’d been sitting in the same tavern all day, and her hands were clenched around the mug so tightly she didn’t think she could let go if she tried. 

Her crimson hair was tied up and shoved under her outlandishly feathered hat, her revolvers tucked away into her high-collared coat. Bringing back some of that description I cut earlier. She was no longer the feared Scarlet Rogue, captain of the Vespers, a name that'd had once struck terror into the hearts of every good-hearted merchant and dirty-mouthed sailor. She was just Scarlet, captain of a ship that hadn’t left port in months."

So there are my suggestions! Overall, they're mostly just tightening notes, to help move things a little more quickly and ground the reader right away. I think this was a really strong start to begin with and I'm totally interested—if I saw this in the slush I'd definitely keep reading. 

I hope that helps! Thanks for sharing your first 250 with us, Arden!

Twitter-sized bite:

.@Ava_Jae talks grounding the reader, imagery and more in the 39th Fixing the First Page Feature. (Click to tweet)

Fixing the First Page Feature #38

Photo credit: Matt Henry photos on Flickr

September is nearly here, retail stores are transitioning to their fall collections, and summer is at an end. But of course, the end of the month means it's time for the next Fixing the First Page feature!

As usual, I'll start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I'll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (because I'm one person with one opinion!), as long as it's polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be unceremoniously deleted.

Here we go!

Title: DRAWN IN 2

Genre/Category: YA fantasy (light)

First 250 words:

"She's dazed, the white of her nightshirt standing out like a beacon in the moonlit forest, but it's the circle of guns pointed at her that captures my attention. Four Enforcers surround her, and as I watch from my hiding place behind an oak tree and try to get my bearings, inexplicably, they laugh. 

'A little confused, Traveler?' It's the leader who speaks, his rough voice amused at this poor girl's blinking bewilderment. If his beefy stature towering over the others isn't clue enough that he's in charge here, his unremarkable unhandsome face is. It's Donovan, and although the fact that he's not currently threatening me is a nice change, I still shiver, knowing exactly what this stranger in pajamas is feeling. 

'Am I... am I dreaming?' She turns a full circle, taking in the men surrounding her. She tosses her long black hair over one shoulder and tentatively reaches out to touch the barrel of one of the guns. 'It feels so real.' 

My pulse speeds up and I steady myself, leaning into the tree. I should intervene somehow, do something. But what? I'm as unprepared as this girl is, ripped from my bed in the middle of the night—no warning, no weapon--just me in my Ravenclaw PJs, bare feet sinking into the soft grass. At least I've been here before. This Traveler isn’t quite as savvy. 

Donovan sneers. 'Dreaming, huh? Funny, that's what they all think. I keep hoping one of you will be original someday.'"

Interesting start! I like that we're starting in medias res (which is my personal favorite kind of opening), and some of the details and thoughts in there from the narrator definitely helped ground me, even as I tried to figure out what was going on. All in all, pretty well-built foundation here.

Now for the line edits!

"She's dazed, the white of her nightshirt standing out like a beacon in the moonlit forest, but it's the a circle of guns pointed at her that captures my attention. Adjustment made both to cut wordiness and remove filtering. Four Enforcers surround her, and as I watch from my hiding place behind an oak tree and try to get my bearings, inexplicably, they laugh. 

'A little confused, Traveler?' It's tThe leader who speaks, his rough voice amused at this poor girl's blinking bewilderment. If his beefy stature towering over the others isn't clue enough that he's in charge here, his unremarkable unhandsome face is. It's Donovan, and although the fact that he's not currently threatening me is a nice change, I still shiver, knowing exactly what this stranger in pajamas is feeling. Again, suggested cuts are to lessen wordiness and remove filtering.

'Am I... am I dreaming?' She turns a full circle, taking in the men surrounding her. She tosses her long black hair over one shoulder and tentatively reaches out to touch the barrel of one of the a guns. 'It feels so real.' 

My pulse speeds up and I steady myself, leaning into the tree. I should intervene somehow, do something. But what? I'm as unprepared as this girl is, ripped from my bed in the middle of the night—no warning, no weapon—just me in my Ravenclaw PJs, bare feet sinking into the soft grass. Love the Ravenclaw PJs detail! Not only is it a great image but it tells me a little more about your protagonist. At least I've been here before. This Traveler isn’t quite as savvy. 

Donovan sneers. 'Dreaming, huh? Funny, that's what they all think. I keep hoping one of you will be original someday.'"

Okay! So the main thing I'm noticing here is wordiness throughout, which is super common, so no worries. I recommend going through your manuscript and reading it aloud—that can help make it easier to spot when you're saying something in five words you can say in two, or when the flow stumbles.

Otherwise, I think this is a pretty solid start. I'm definitely intrigued, and if I saw this in the slush I'd totally keep reading. :)

I hope that helps! Thanks for sharing your first 250 with us, Sioux!

Twitter-sized bite:

.@Ava_Jae talks wordiness, details and more in the 38th Fixing the First Page Feature. (Click to tweet)

Fixing the First Page Feature #37

Photo credit: gwen on Flickr

Somehow, August is nearly here—something I can't quite wrap my head around, in large part because August is a huge transitional month for me. But that said! The end of July is nigh which means it's time for the next Fixing the First Page critique!

As usual, I'll start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I'll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (because I'm one person with one opinion!), as long as it's polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be unceremoniously deleted.

Let's go!

Title: DIA DE MUERTOS (working title)

Genre/Category: YA Paranormal

First 250 words:

"The veil between the living and the dead has always fascinated me and is much thinner than you might think. My mother spoke often of this doorway, especially at the end of October during Dia de Muertos, the time of year when our deceased loved ones return to the world of the living for a short time. We welcome them back with altars filled with photos, marigolds, incense and their favorite foods and drink.

I always imagined the veil to be something I could feel, like fine silk slipping through my fingers. One day I told her this, and she laughed kindly.

'No, Lana, it isn’t an actual curtain. No one can see it or feel it.'

'Then how do we know it exists?'

'Faith,' was all she said.

But she turned out to be wrong because the time came when I could see the veil. Eventually I could also touch it with enough concentration. Far more beautiful than I had imagined, it was silvery, gossamer and soft with a pattern so intricate I don’t possess the words to describe it properly. I’ve often wondered what would happen if I tried to cross over. Would I be able to make it back since I’m still alive?

There’s no one to ask.

Neither of my parents know I have this gift. After what my mom told me, I don’t think she’d believe me. Then I might end up no longer believing and fear I’d lose this ability. So for now, it’s my secret."

Okay, interesting! I think this is the first First Page critique I've had with a Latinx protagonist, so yay. :)

Annnyway! First thing I noticed is actually the title, and the holiday name which you use in the sample—I'm not 100% sure (I will be the first to tell you my Spanish grammar is atrocious), but isn't it Dia de los Muertos? I'm pretty sure "Dia de Muertos" would translate to "Day of Dead" which is missing an article (the). When I looked it up online, Dia de los Muertos seemed to be the default. Just a minor note!

As for my overall thoughts, this is an interesting opening and sets up the mood well...but it's all exposition. And those last three paragraphs in particular involve the protagonist telling the reader what she can do, but it'd be much more effective to see it in action. Expository openings aren't necessarily an automatic no (I actually start Into the Black with some exposition ¯\_(ツ)_/¯) but it does require careful balancing and right now this feels too exposition-heavy to me. At the very least, I'd like to see her doing something while thinking about the other side—maybe they're actually having a Dia de los Muertos celebration? That could be interesting. Or maybe something else, but I want to see her in motion even as she thinks about these things. 

Okay, now on to the line edits! 

"The veil between the living and the dead has always fascinated me and is much thinner than you'd might think. Adjusted to cut down on wordiness and condense to the heart of the sentence. My mother spoke often of this doorway, especially at the end of October during Dia de los Muertos, the time of year when our deceased loved ones return to the world of the living for a short time. We welcome them back with altars filled with photos, marigolds, incense and their favorite foods and drink.

I always imagined the veil to be something I could feel, like fine silk slipping through my fingers. One day I told her this, and she laughed kindly.

'No, Lana, it isn’t an actual curtain. No one can see it or feel it.'

'Then how do we know it exists?'

'Faith,' was all she said.

But she turned out to be was wrong because the time came when after a while I could see the veil. Eventually I could also touch it with enough concentration. Far more beautiful than It had imagined, it was silvery, gossamer and soft with a beautifully pattern so intricate I don’t possess the words to describe it properly. I’ve often wondered wWhat would happen if I tried to cross over?. Most of the cuts I've suggested so far have been to decrease wordiness, but this one in particular was to remove filtering (wondered). Would I be able to make it back since I’m still alive?

There’s no one to ask.

Neither of my parents know I have this gift. After what my mom told me, I don’t think she’d believe me. Then I might end up no longer believing and fear I’d lose this ability. So for now, it’s my secret."

Cool! So as you can see, by far my largest line editing comment is to be careful with wordiness—I find it helps if you read your work aloud, because it's often easier to feel when a sentence is crowded with too many words when it's spoken. Just make sure you ask yourself with every sentence whether you're saying something in ten words that you could say in seven or five. :)

Suggestions aside, I am still intrigued so if I saw this in the slush, I'd keep reading. But I'd personally give it maybe a page or two more before I lost patience with the exposition sooo...just saying. ;)

I hope that helps! Thanks for sharing your first 250 with us, Jennifer!

Twitter-sized bite:

.@Ava_Jae talks wordiness, exposition and more in the 37th Fixing the First Page Feature. (Click to tweet)

Fixing the First Page Feature #36

Photo credit: chris_ford_uk on Flickr

July is arriving and the 36th Fixing the First Page Feature has finally arrived. Yay!

As usual, I'll start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I'll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (because I'm one person with one opinion!), as long as it's polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be unceremoniously deleted.

Here we go!

Title: TO BE IMPROVED

Genre/Category: YA Contemporary/LGBT

First 250 words:

"I check my phone: 4:05 p.m. We’re supposed to start at four, so I get up and peer through the door with the plaque reading Farid Ansari, LPC. 

Mr. Ansari’s office is full of all sorts of sculptures on the window panes and his desk. A couple of paintings hang on the walls, along with his framed certificates. Overall, it’s borderline cluttered, but I shouldn’t be complaining since my room’s not always the tidiest... 

Mr. Ansari turns to me, and his face brightens. 'Come in Sam,' he calls. 'I'll be with you in a second.'

I sink into one of the black leather chairs and wait for him, looking out the window at the street. 

'Hello Sam,' he says as he rolls his desk chair to mine. 'How are you doing?' 

Whether it’s the first time or the fifth time, my nerves still start jumping. It’s not always easy to talk about your feelings like this, especially when you know it’s someone who’s getting paid to put you under a microscope, dissect you, and find out what’s wrong with your life.

'I’m fine,' I say. 'Uh, school’s been going on for a couple of weeks now.' Mr. Ansari keeps his gaze on me. I tap my fingers as I think of what to say. My heartbeat picks up. 'I’m doing all right in my classes…' 

He nods. 'That’s good. Are you enjoying yourself?' Somehow, his gaze seems to intensify, like he’s switching to a higher powered lens on the microscope."

Okay! So before I talk about the sample itself, I have a quick note on the way you categorized your book. I actually recommend against using the four-letter LGBT acronym when describing your book unless you actually have four protagonists, and one is lesbian, one is gay, one is bi, and one is trans. I'm guessing that isn't the case, though, so instead describe what aspect you're actually covering. For example, you can say f/f Contemporary, or m/m Contemporary, or YA Contemporary with a bi protagonist, etc. Be specific. 

Now for the sample itself. I think this opening is written well enough, but I'm not sure it's really so compelling that I'd feel the urge to keep reading—which is obviously what you want, a strong hook to draw the readers in. I think the main issue for me is at this point, there isn't much hint of conflict. Sure, Sam is nervous about talking to the psychiatrist, but why? They (and I'm using they, since Sam's gender is unclear) only talk about how they're doing fine in school and the only nervous-making thing they think about is they're not sure what to say. But I'd like to see a better hint of the upcoming conflict right up front. What exactly is Sam nervous about? Why are they seeing a psychiatrist? Is there something Sam doesn't want to say? I think by giving us a better picture of what's going on in Sam's head and specifically why they're there and how they feel about being there would help point to the upcoming conflict in a way that would draw readers in a little more.

Okay, now for the in-line edits: 

"I check my phone: 4:05 p.m. We’re supposed to start at four, so I get up and peer through the door with the plaque reading Farid Ansari, LPC. Made italic just to better differentiate the narrative and what Sam is reading.

Mr. Ansari’s office is full of all sorts of sculptures on the window panes and his desk. A couple of paintings hang on the walls, along with his framed certificates. Overall, it’s borderline cluttered, but I shouldn’t be complaining since my room’s not always the tidiest... 

Mr. Ansari turns to me, and his face brightens. 'Come in Sam,.' he calls. 'I'll be with you in a second.'

I sink into one of the black leather chairs and wait for him, looking out the window at the street. What does Sam see? This could be a good opportunity to hint at where Sam lives. Is it a wintry city street outside? A rolling spring landscape? Some orange and red autumn-tinted woods? Show us what Sam sees.

'Hello Sam,.' he says as hHe rolls his desk chair to mine. 'How are you doing?' 

Whether it’s the first time or the fifth time, my nerves still start jumping. It’s not always easy to talk about your feelings like this, especially when you know it’s someone who’s getting paid to put you under a microscope, dissect you, and find out what’s wrong with your life.

'I’m fine,' I say. 'Uh, school’s been going on for a couple of weeks now.' Mr. Ansari keeps his gaze on me. I tap my fingers as I think of what to say. My heartbeat picks up. 'I’m doing all right in my classes…' 

He nods. 'That’s good. Are you enjoying yourself?' Somehow, his gaze seems to intensifiesy, like he’s switching to a higher powered lens on the microscope." Nice ending image there. :)

So as you can see, for the most part it's just minor tweaks to get rid of some slight wordiness (like using action tags and dialogue tags in the same line), and an opportunity for more detailed description to help ground the readers. Like I said above, this is pretty well written to start with, so I'd just like to see some building and cleaning up to take it to the next level.

As is, if I were to see this in the slush, I'd pass as I said above, because I'm not currently drawn into the story as much as I would like. But I think with some tweaks to bring in more of the conflict earlier, you'll have a pretty solid set up.

I hope that helps! Thanks so much for sharing your manuscript with us, Jessica!

Twitter-sized bite:

.@Ava_Jae talks hinting early at conflict, building setting and more in the 36th Fixing the First Page Feature. (Click to tweet)

Fixing the First Page Feature #33

Photo credit: mynameisgeebs on Flickr

Somehow, March is nearly over and it's time for the next Fixing the First Page critique—woohoo!

As usual, I'll start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I'll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (because I'm one person with one opinion!), as long as it's polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be unceremoniously deleted.

Let's do this!

Title: MECHANICAL

Genre/Category: YA Dystopia

First 250 words:

"I took deep breaths, trying to calm my racing heart. 

You can do it. You have to do it.

One more breath, two, three… 

It was early morning, but I still glanced around to make sure the street was empty. Not that many people lived in the area either way. I was surprised when I was informed I had to wait on that spot. In any case, the roof of an abandoned two-story building was the perfect hiding place. 

The air was calm and cool, oblivious to my state of mind. I was glad no one would ever notice this moment of weakness. I wasn’t afraid of a technical failure, but of an emotional one. Failing though was something I never allowed to myself. 

A man appeared in the corner of the street, starting me out of my thoughts. I studied him carefully. Around 40, tall and thin with a receding brown hairline. The description fitted. For the last hour, I had half wished he wouldn’t appear, almost hoped he would choose another street or time. But that was not my lucky day and definitely not his. 

He looked around him once or twice, but other than that, he looked certain no one was watching him.

No one but me. I tried to swallow my fear and resisted the urge to close my eyes.

Just do it already. 

One more breath. And I pulled the trigger of my rifle. 

Less than a second later, the man was lying motionless on the pavement."

Okay, so! I'm pretty partial to in medias res openings myself, because I like jumping right into the story. But the danger with these kind of openings is if you move too quickly and don't provide enough introspection and explanation, so they can sometimes be confusing and readers may find it difficult to connect with the protagonist. Which is what I'm seeing here.

As a reader, I have a lot of questions right away: why does she have to kill that guy? Does she do this often (is she an assassin)? What was he doing that he didn't want to be seen? What was she afraid of? You don't necessarily need to immediately answer all of the questions, but you definitely need to answer the most important one of why. Why is it so important that she kill this guy? Why does she have to? Without knowing the stakes, as a reader I don't really care if she succeeds or not, because I don't yet know why it matters. And because she's killing someone, it also makes it a little more difficult for me to connect with her, because from a reader perspective right now it just seems like she killed someone in cold blood.

Okay, so, with that said, let's take a look at the line edits:

"I took deep breaths, trying to calm my racing heart. 

You can do it. You have to do it.

One more breath, two, three… 

It was early morning, but I still glanced around to make sure the street was empty. Not that many people lived in the area either way. I was surprised when I was informed I had to wait on that spot. A few things about this sentence: first, this would be a good place to give us more information—when who told her to wait there? And why was she surprised? What's different about this particular case? In any case, the roof of an abandoned two-story building was the perfect hiding place. 

The air was calm and cool, oblivious to my state of mind. As a reader, right now I'm also oblivious to her state of mind. :) Which is to say, this would be a good spot to give us a glimpse! What is she feeling right now? It'd be good to show those emotions before she comments on her weakness, because otherwise we're not really seeing much of anything that could qualify as "weakness." I was glad no one would ever notice this moment of weakness. I wasn’t afraid of a technical failure, but of an emotional one. What would qualify as an "emotional failure"? And what are the consequences if she has one? We need to know the stakes to really understand why this matters to her—and why it should matter to us. Failing though was something I never allowed to myself to fail. 

A man appeared in the corner of the street, starting me out of my thoughts. I studied him carefully. Around 40 forty, tall and thin with a receding brown hairline. The description fitted. For the last hour, I'd had half wished he wouldn’t appear, almost hoped he'd would choose another street or time. Why does she wish that? If she has to do this, why would she want him not to show? But that it wasn't not my lucky day and definitely wasn't not his. 

He looked around him once or twice, probably making sure certain no one was watching him. A couple reasons for this adjustment: firstly, I'm trying to make her sound more like a teen (sure versus certain, for example). Secondly this is her perspective, so I'm clarifying that this is what she thinks he's thinking. And third, rather than telling you to try to describe what "sure no one is looking" looks like, I think it's easier (and more effective) to adjust the sentiment a bit and say he's looking around for this reason rather than he looks like he's sure no one is looking. But if you prefer the latter, feel free—just describe what that looks like, rather than stating that's how he looks. 

No one but me. I tried to swallow my fear and resisted the urge to close my eyes. Okay, so rather than stating she's scared, it'd be much more effective to describe how that fear physically affects her and show it reflected in her thoughts. I wrote a post a while back on writing emotion effectively that you might find helpful with this. 

Just do it already. 

One more breath. And I pulled the trigger of my rifle. 

Less than a second later, the man was laying motionless on the pavement."

So there we have it! I think basically what this opening needs is more filling in, from clarifying the stakes, to a bit more explanation as to why she's there, to more time to really sink into her mind and see what she's feeling on the page. Interesting start overall, with room to flourish. If I saw this in the slush though, I'd probably pass because it still seems to need some work before it's ready for submission.

I hope that helps! Thanks for sharing your first 250 with us, Eleni!

Twitter-sized bite:

.@Ava_Jae talks stakes, showing emotion, and more in the 33rd Fixing the First Page Feature. (Click to tweet)

Fixing the First Page Feature #32

Photo credit: AnToonz on Flickr

We are nearing the end of February! Which for me at least has been a relatively good month despite not-so-great health things. I'll take it. This also of course means it's time for the next Fixing the First Page critique—yay!

As usual, I'll start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I'll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (because I'm one person with one opinion!), as long as it's polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be unceremoniously deleted.

Let's do this!

Title: CREW

Genre/Category: YA Contemporary

First 250 words:

"It’s not the moment your life collapses that’s the worst part.

It’s what comes after.

When you wake up from the nightmare to find out that it wasn’t, unfortunately, a nightmare, but your life, and you have to go on living it.

So this is me, approximately three months after my life ends and I have to start it all over again:

Sitting like a taut wire at the edge of one of those red velvet, deceptively uncomfortable auditorium seats, while on the stage a tiny Asian boy with skin issues is eking out Hamlet’s soliloquy.

“What dreams may come,” he squeaks, “When we have shuffled off this mortal coil—” 

Which sounds exactly what I’d like to be doing right about now. 

My knuckles are white. My intestines have tied themselves up into a knot and are currently trying to escape through my throat. I’m two people away from my audition. Some people have sucked, like this kid, but most have been pretty good. 

And me? I’ve never done this before. But if we’re going to base this on my high school endeavors to date, I’m placing my bets on the “suck” end of the spectrum. 

I could just get up and leave. I should just get up and leave.

But that would be admitting defeat. To Mom. To Vicky. To myself.

This was my last great idea. I’m out of options.

I take a deep breath. I can do this. I love plays. Especially Shakespeare. Especially Hamlet."

This is really interesting! I really like the voice—though there are some tweaks I'm going to suggest, I'd definitely place it as a teen—and the tension is clear. There's also some great imagery I'd like to see even more of, but not bad to start.

I have nothing significant to suggest changing overall, so let's look at the line edits:

"It’s not the moment your life collapses that’s the worst part. It’s what comes after. When you wake up from the nightmare to find out that it wasn’t, unfortunately, a nightmare, but your life, and you have to go on living it. Suggest making this one paragraph because I can already see you use short paragraphs a lot and "It's what comes after" doesn't really stand well on its own, and as a whole it makes more sense with all three together.

So this is me, approximately three months after my life ends and I have to start it all over again:

Sitting like a taut wire at the edge of one of those red velvet, deceptively uncomfortable auditorium seats, while on the stage a tiny Asian boy with skin issues pimples is eking out Hamlet’s soliloquy. Love the imagery in the bolded. I'd squeeze more in this first page if you could—not in this paragraph, but overall.

“What dreams may come,” he squeaks, “When we have shuffled off this mortal coil—” 

Which sounds exactly what I’d like to be doing right about now. Heh, this is a line that sounds very teenagery and snarky and I like it.

My knuckles are white. My intestines have are tied themselves up into a knot and are currently trying to escape through my throat. I’m two people away from my audition. Some people have sucked, like this kid, but most have been pretty good. 

And me? I’ve never done this before. But if we’re going to base this on my high school endeavors to date, "Endeavors" isn't really a word teens (or even most adults to be honest) use casually. Switch this out with something more casual. I’m placing my bettings on the “suck” end of the spectrum. 

I could just get up and leave. I should just get up and leave. But that would be admitting defeat. To Mom. To Vicky. To myself. These work better as a paragraph together, IMO. 

This was my last great idea. I’m out of options.

I take a deep breath. I can do this. I love plays. Especially Shakespeare. Especially Hamlet."

Okay, so, the main thing I'm noticing overall is overuse of short paragraphs. This is something I see pretty often as an editor, and I get it—short paragraphs are punchy. The more you use them, however, the less punchy they are. Remember, stylistic things in writing should be used as a spice—a little here, a little there, but use too much and you ruin the dish and everything tastes like salt. Try to only use short paragraphs when you really want to give the paragraph some impact—and remember with every use it becomes a little less powerful.

Otherwise, I think this is a strong start. Be careful with word choice (every word should sound like it'd come from a teen!) but the voice is interesting, I like the imagery, and if I saw this in the slush, I'd keep reading.

I hope that helps! Thanks for sharing your first 250 with us, Mary Kate!

Twitter-sized bite:

.@Ava_Jae talks voice, stylistic writing effects, and more in the 32nd Fixing the First Page Feature. (Click to tweet)

Fixing the First Page Giveaway #32!

Photo credit: smcgee on Flickr

It's that time again! We're nearly halfway through the month, so it's time for the thirty-second Fixing the First Page feature.

For those who’ve missed before, the Fixing the First Page features is a public first 250 word critique. Using the lovely rafflecopter widget, anyone interested in winning a public (as in, featured in a post on this blog) first page critique can enter.

For an example of what this critique will look like, here's the last Fixing the First Page post.

Rules!

• ONLY the first 250 words will be critiqued (up to finishing the sentence). If you win and send me more, I will crop it myself. No exceptions.


• ONLY the first page. I don’t want 250 random words from your manuscript, or from chapter 3. If you win the critique and send me anything other than the first 250 words of your manuscript, I will choose someone else.


• I will actually critique it. Here. On the blog. I will say things as nicely as I can, but I do tend to be a little blunt. If you’re not sure you can handle a public critique, then you may want to take some time to think about it before you enter.


• Genre restrictions. I'm most experienced with YA & NA, but I will still accept MG and Adult. HOWEVER. If your first page has any erotic content on it, I ask that you don’t enter. I want to be able to post the critique and the first 250 in its entirety without making anyone uncomfortable, and if you win and you enter a page with erotic content, I will choose someone else.


• You must have your first page ready. Should you win, you need to be able to submit your first page within 48 hours of my contacting you to let you know you won. If 48 hours pass and I haven’t heard from you, again, I will choose someone else.


• You’ll get the most out of this if it isn’t a first draft. Obviously, I have no way of knowing if you’re handing me a first draft (though I will probably suspect because it’s usually not that difficult to tell). I won’t refuse your page if it’s a first draft, but you should know that this critique will likely be of more use if you’ve already had your betas/CPs look over it. Why? Because if you don’t, the critique I give you will probably contain a lot of notes that your betas & CPs could have/would have told you.


• There will not be a round 2 (unless you win again in a future contest). I hate to have to say this, but if you win a critique, it’s NOT an invitation to send me a bunch of your revisions. I wish I had the time available to be able to look at revisions, but sadly, I don’t. If you try to break this rule, I will nicely say no, and also remember to choose someone else should you win a second contest. Which would make me sad. :(

So that’s it! If you’re okay with all of the above and would like to enter to be the thirty-first public critique on Writability, do the thing with the rafflecopter widget below. You have until Saturday, February 18th at 11:59 PM EST to enter!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Fixing the First Page Feature #31

Photo credit: lwpkommunikacio on Flickr

The first month of 2017 is nearly over! And...what a month it's been. Yeesh. But the bright side is the first Fixing the First Page critique of 2017 has finally arrived, so let's do this.

As usual, I'll start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I'll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (because I'm one person with one opinion!), as long as it's polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be unceremoniously deleted.

Here we go! 

Title: A MURDER OF OWLS

Genre/Category: Adult Urban Fantasy/Thriller

First 250 words:

"Jacinta Rose committed her first murder ten years before she was born.

Six months ago, when the memories of her serial killing first returned, she’d thought herself delusional. But now, as she lingers in the rotting heart of the power station, she can’t deny the truth any longer. All her research has brought her here.

Jacinta stands on a web of concrete bridges suspended three stories high. Drab steel walls frame the vast industrial area, barred windows twisting the afternoon light as it spills inside. Only her dark pea coat keeps a gaunt chill at bay. The power station is old and withered, a nest of spiders and memories. From her perch, Jacinta can see where the body landed. In her mind’s eye, she can still see the body. 

The power station had been decades away from being abandoned after Cyclone Briar, the floor a writing mass of bodies and machinery. She’d walked nonchalantly, rolling up the sleeves of her casual black suit. Brown skin and dark curls reflected back at her in the glass windows parallel to the walkway. Despite the gulf of time, she still appeared twenty-five.

The foreman was looking way, didn’t even see the knife she seemed to pull from thin air. It rippled like liquid silver and stabbed into his back once, twice. Rubies of blood fell. Jacinta struck him hard in the neck before the first droplet hit the walkway. The man twisted, muscles spasming. Smiling, she swept his legs out from underneath him, and he fell."

Huh, okay. Well firstly, before I forget I want to say I love the title—it's really cool. But at any rate, this is an interesting opening. Super dark, obviously, though I'm not entirely clear whether this is before an inciting incident or if this is a prologue. The biggest issue I'm having upfront is I'm not connecting to—who I'm assuming is—the protagonist. From my perspective right now she's just a random (immortal?) murderer who killed someone for no reason. As a reader, I need to better understand what's going on here and what the justification is for these violent acts before I'm going to give this protagonist the benefit of the doubt. Especially since she seems to enjoy it.

Secondly, I'm missing the tension and hint of conflict here, because I don't know why the protagonist (or who I'm assuming is the protagonist) is doing this. Of course we can't expect to know everything on the first page, but a hint of that motivation could really help both clue the readers in as to why they should care about what's going on and better understand the protagonist so we don't assume this is just a bloodthirsty killer.

Now for the line edits!

"Jacinta Rose committed her first murder ten years before she was born. Very interesting opening line.

Six months ago, when the memories of her serial killing first returned, she’d thought herself delusional. I'm questioning whether you need this line right here, because right now I'm finding it confusing and it isn't adding any understanding to this scene, for me. But now, as she lingers in the rotting heart of the power station, she can’t deny the truth any longer. What truth? All her research has brought her here.

Jacinta stands on a web of concrete bridges suspended three stories high. Drab steel walls frame the vast industrial area, barred windows twisting the afternoon light as it spills inside. Only her dark pea coat peacoat keeps a gaunt chill at bay. The power station is old and withered, a nest of spiders and memories. From her perch, Jacinta can see where the body landed. It'd be more effective if you replaced this with a description of the body. That way you aren't filtering ("Jacinta can see"), but by describing it the readers know Jacinta can see it. In her mind’s eye, she can still see the body.  Recommending deleting that line because it's basically the same as the previous line.

The power station had been decades away from being abandoned after Cyclone Briar, the floor a writing mass of bodies and machinery. She’d walked nonchalantly, rolling up the sleeves of her casual black suit. Brown skin and dark curls reflected back at her in the glass windows parallel to the walkway. Despite the gulf of time, she still appeared twenty-five. This paragraph is pretty well done. We've got nice description and some important information without info-dumping. 

The foreman was looking away, didn’t even see the knife she seemed to pulled from thin air. It rippled like liquid silver and as she stabbed into his back once, twice. Adjusted because the knife didn't stab him itself—she used the knife to stab him. Rubies of blood fell. Jacinta struck him hard in the neck before the first droplet hit the walkway. The man twisted, muscles spasming. Smiling, she swept his legs out from underneath him, and he fell." Last note: I'm a little confused here about whether this is the body she was looking at near the beginning of the sample and if we've jumped back in time to see what happened or if this is another body.

Okay, so all in all, this is an intriguing opening that leaves me with some hesitant questions. If I saw this in the slush, I'd probably read the next page or so to see where this was going and if I got better insight into the protagonist, but if this turned out to be a prologue or I didn't get what I was looking for, I'd probably pass.

I hope that helps! Thanks for sharing your first 250 with us, Amy!

Twitter-sized bites:

.@Ava_Jae talks character connection, motivation and more in the 31st Fixing the First Page Feature. (Click to tweet)

Fixing the First Page Feature #30

Photo credit: hharryus on Flickr

We're now in the final days of 2016. I've got a lot of mixed feelings about it, but the one definite positive thing is it's now time for the last Fixing the First Page Feature of 2016!

As usual, I'll start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I'll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (because I'm one person with one opinion!), as long as it's polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be unceremoniously deleted.

Let's do this.

Title: MOONCHILD

Genre/Category: YA Fantasy

First 250 words: 

"The priests are always telling me that my mother should never have bathed me in the moon. It sets a girl up for mischief, and worse as she gets older. Now that I’m nearing sixteen, I’m far too old to be forgiven for knowing things no natural person should. 

I remember the moon-baths clearly enough, even though I wasn’t quite four when my mother was found out and taken away to Temple. I remember being cold and cranky, whining and stomping as she stripped away my overdress and tunic.

'No, moma, no!' I would shout, my cries echoing off the garden walls. I must have woken up half the compound with my yelling, but no one ever shouted back or lit a lantern to see what all the commotion was. 

'Calm down, Luna, just calm down,' my mother would say. She tried to distract me with special full-moon songs, and showed me how the light played in the big, round basin. I did like to watch the silvery ribbons dash around the polished bottom, swirling like watersnakes. Sometimes she could win a giggle from me before I remembered that I wasn’t going to like what came next.

It wasn’t just the icy feeling of the night air against wet skin - I didn’t like the squirmy feeling the bright water woke in my belly. I’d thrash and protest the whole time, even though mother would promise better and better treats each time if I would just be good. 

I was never good."

Wow, interesting! This definitely has a cool fantasy feel and I'm super intrigued by the moon baths and what that means and where this is going. This is, however, a prologue, so I'm immediately wondering whether this is the right place to start. It's hard for me to really say one way or the other without reading the full prologue and checking out the first chapter, but generally, I tend to recommend flashback prologues are integrated into the story rather than starting way before the story starts and then jumping into the present day.

So props for an interesting opening, but be careful with prologues—I suspect you may be better off starting with the start of the story and incorporating this elsewhere. But either way this does set up some nice world building and intrigue so yay.

Now for the in-line edits.

"The priests are always telling told me that my mother should never have bathed me in the moon. Beautiful opening line and image—I also like how it sets up tension right away. Well done. It sets a girl up for mischief, and worse as she gets older. Now that I’m nearing sixteen, I’m far too old to be forgiven for knowing things no natural person should. Iiiiinteresting. :D

I remember the moon-baths clearly enough, even though I wasn’t quite four when they found my mother was found out and taken took her away to Temple. Adjusted to make the sentence active (vs passive). I remember being was cold and cranky, whining and stomping as she stripped away my overdress and tunic. Adjusted to remove filtering (I remember).

'No, moma, no!' I would shouted, my cries echoing off the garden walls. I must have woken up half the compound with my yelling, but no one ever shouted back or lit a lantern to see what all the commotion was. 

'Calm down, Luna, just calm down,' my mother would say said. She tried to distract me with special full-moon songs, and showed me how the light played in the big, round basin. I did liked to watch the silvery ribbons dash around the polished bottom, swirling like watersnakes. Sometimes she could win won a giggle from me before I remembered that I wasn’t going to like what came next.

It wasn’t just the icy feeling of the night air against wet skin - I didn’t like the squirmy feeling the bright water woke in my belly. Adjusted to remove some filtering and wordiness. I’d thrash and protest the whole time, even though mother would promised better and better treats each time if I'd would just be good. 

I was never good."

Okay, after reading this a second time, I'm more sure that the flashback part should be moved. However, I think I'd recommend the first paragraph was kept. It really sets up great tension and kicks off with some early world building, and I could easily see it used as a transition into the present day story rather than the flashback. I don't know exactly where the story actually starts, but I suspect it'd be easy enough to keep it as the opener even if the flashback is moved later in the narrative.

Other than that, the main thing I'm noticing is some wordiness and filtering, which I adjusted above, but I definitely recommend the author check the rest of her manuscript for both, because if there's this much in the first 250, it's a good signal there's probably plenty more throughout the book.

If I saw this in the slush I'd skim through the rest of the prologue and jump to the opening to see if it grabbed me.

I hope that helps! Thanks for sharing your first 250 with us, Juniper!

Would you like to be featured in the next Fixing the First Page critique? Keep an eye out for the first giveaway of 2017!

Twitter-sized bite: 

.@Ava_Jae talks prologues, great opening paragraphs, wordiness and more in the 30th Fixing the First Page Feature. (Click to tweet) 

Fixing the First Page Feature #29

Photo credit: Javier Vieras on Flickr

We're now in the final days of November, the holidays are upon us, and the end of the year is nearing. I love the holiday season—it's my favorite time of year, so I, for one, am looking forward to the next (expensive) month. Which means it's time for this month's Fixing the First Page Feature!

As usual, I'll start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I'll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (because I'm one person with one opinion!), as long as it's polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be unceremoniously deleted.

Here we go!

Title: MAKING LOVE & MUSIC

Genre/Category: Adult Contemporary Romance

First 250 words:

"Three days into June and she was still wearing long sleeves and jeans.

Addy sighed, eying the rain-dampened pavement outside with blatant disdain. Summer was always slow to hit Canada, but this year even spring was taking its sweet time. 'It’s a cruel joke,' she told the little unicorn bobble-head stuck to the dashboard of her beat-up gold Intrepid. He nodded in agreement as she reached up to pull the car’s sun visor down. She had always been a summer girl, through and through, and this weather was crushing her soul. 

Oh well. She’d have enough time to complain about it once she was properly made-up and inside the station. 

The visor’s mirror only proved that she looked just as exhausted as she felt; not even the extra large coffee she’d purchased was going to save her. It would definitely have been wiser to make the four-hour drive home from the cottage the night before. 

Missing sleep was among her least favourite things in the world, but it was worth it. She could live with one day of caffeine jitters and sleep-deprived misery if it meant she got to spend even a few extra hours with Dad and her big sister Alexis. She loved her family more than anything, and living across the border from them was the only genuine complaint she had about her life. 

After applying a quick coat of lipstick and mascara, Addy took a moment to evaluate her quickie makeup job. 'Nope,' she sighed. 'Still look like a corpse.'"

Okay! So, first thoughts: I think this is a nice start—I enjoyed the imagery and the line at the end was fun—but it's missing any hint of conflict. As I've said in previous critiques, you definitely don't need The Problem on page one, but it can help to infuse a little foreshadowed conflict or hint of whatever is wrong to come early on, because it establishes tension right away which can pull readers in. Without it, you have an opening that's nice, but it might not grab readers or be particularly memorable.

So overall, this isn't a bad start—I just think it could use some tweaking to make it grab a little more.

Now for the in-line notes:

"Three days into June and she was still wearing long sleeves and jeans.

Addy sighed, eying glaring at the rain-dampened pavement outside with blatant disdain. You don't have to use that phrasing exactly, of course, but I tweaked the sentence to show her disdain with an action (glaring) rather than saying she's looking with disdain. Summer was always slow to hit Canada, but this year even spring was taking its sweet time. 'It’s a cruel joke,' she told the little unicorn bobble-head stuck to the dashboard of her beat-up gold Intrepid. He nodded in agreement as she reached up to pulled the car’s sun visor down. Condensed that sentence some. She'd had always been a summer girl, through and through, and this weather was crushing her soul. 

Oh well. She’d have enough time to complain about it once she was properly made-up and inside the station. 

The visor’s mirror only proved that she looked just as exhausted as she felt; not even the her extra large coffee she’d purchased was going to save her. It would definitely have been wiser to make the four-hour drive home from the cottage the night before. 

Missing sleep was among her least favourite things in the world, but it was worth it. She could live with one day of caffeine jitters and sleep-deprived misery if it meant she got to spend even a few extra hours with Dad and her big sister Alexis. She loved her family more than anything, and living across the border from them was the her only genuine life complaint she had about her life. 

After applying a quick coat of lipstick and mascara, Addy took a moment to evaluate her quickie makeup job. Took out quick because the speed is implied with "quickie makeup job" and you don't need to say quick twice. 'Nope,' she sighed. 'Still look like a corpse.'" I like that last line. :) 

All right, so, main adjustments here are to cut out unnecessary wordiness, but overall there wasn't that much that needed fixing, as you can see. The main thing I think needs tweaking is what I mentioned above—some conflict—but other than that I think this is a well-written start. If I saw this in the slush, I'd keep reading...but if some conflict or tension didn't come up quickly, I'd probably stop reading.

I hope that helps! Thanks for sharing your first 250 with us, Andrea!

Would you like to be featured in the next Fixing the First Page critique? Keep an eye out for the next giveaway in December!


Twitter-sized bite:

.@Ava_Jae talks wordiness, adding early tension, and more in the 29th Fixing the First Page Feature. (Click to tweet)

Fixing the First Page Feature #28

Photo credit: mine

It's Halloween! Also known as the last day of October, which means it's time for this month's Fixing the First Page Feature! Hooray!

As per usual, I'll start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I'll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (because I'm one person with one opinion!), as long as it's polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be unceremoniously deleted.

Here we go!

Title: LEGACY

Genre/Category: NA Dystopian Urban Fantasy

First 250 words:

"Only one thing could make me leave my house for the first time in two years—the promise of revenge. The vague message I’d received via email had been just a hint, but the opportunity had sounded too sweet to resist. 

Hell Here at 10. No more. 

Bundled against the driving snow in a wool coat and gloves, I marched down the sidewalk in front of my house. The brutal Iceland wind whipped my collar into my chin and spiked frozen needles through the leather on my hands. My loud, crunchy footsteps through the knee-high snowdrifts beat a laborious rhythm at the back of my skull. I was used to dead silence contained within four walls, not this eternal winter bullshit. 

By the time Hell Here’s neon lights strobed behind the falling snow, I quickened my pace. Despite the harsh weather, the arctic air fanned the vengeful fire that burned in my gut into a raging storm. 

I grinned, possibly a little too maniacally, because a couple coming up the sidewalk skirted wide. I eased up the shoveled path toward the thick wooden door of Hell Here and mistakenly made a grab at the handle. Pain stabbed into my hand and flared red across my vision. An anguished cry ripped from my mouth and lost itself in the wind. I backed away, gripping my palm to my middle, while tears iced my cheeks. Thankfully, no one stood around to see that nonsense. 

A burly man knocked his way out the door, and I slid by him into the crowded bar."

Interesting! I'm curious about a couple things here, like what's going on and why the protagonist hurt themself when touching the doorknob (does that happen with any doorknob? just this particular door?). My main concern right now is that it's very internal so far and the e-mail is so vague it strikes me as a tad bit...melodramatic, I guess? I couldn't really take it seriously because it felt so fictional, I suppose, but that could very well just be me. Otherwise, I'm liking the wintry backdrop and my curiosity is piqued. :)

Now for the in-line notes:

"Only one thing could make me leave my house for the first time in two years—the promise of revenge. Interesting opening. I'm curious. The vague message I’d received via email had been just a hint, but the opportunity had sounded too sweet to resist. Here's my second issue with the e-mail: your protagonist mentions the opportunity sounds too good to resist, but the e-mail is so vague that no opportunity is mentioned. So if your protagonist knows what opportunity this is referring to, the readers should know too.

Hell Here at 10. No more. 

Bundled against the driving snow in a wool coat and gloves, I marched down the sidewalk in front of my house. The brutal Iceland wind whipped my collar into my chin and spiked frozen needles through the leather on my hands. Great imagery here. My loud, crunchy footsteps through the knee-high snowdrifts beat a laborious rhythm at the back of my skull. "Laborious rhythm" doesn't sound to me like something anyone would say casually—and it throws off the flow to me (which is ironic, because it's talking about rhythm). I was used to dead silence contained within four walls, not this eternal winter bullshit. Nice voice.

By the time Hell Here’s neon lights strobed behind the falling snow,; I quickened my pace. Adjusted because "by the time" indicates something happened by the time they reach the place. Right now it sounds like you're saying when they see the lights they speed up. Despite the harsh weather, the arctic air fanned the vengeful fire that burned in my gut into a raging storm. See note on this below.

I grinned, possibly a little too maniacally, because a couple coming up the sidewalk skirted wide. I eased up the shoveled path toward the thick wooden door of Hell Here and mistakenly made a grab at the handle. Pain stabbed into my hand and flared red across my vision. An anguished cry ripped from my mouth and lost itself in the wind. I backed away, gripping my palm to my middle, while tears iced my cheeks. Lovely detail. I've had this happen IRL and it is a bizarre thing to experience. Thankfully, no one stood around to see that nonsense. 

A burly man knocked his way out the door, and I slid by him into the crowded bar."

Note: upon a second read, the main issue I'm noting is as a reader, I don't feel your protagonist's anger. This is for two reasons—one, we've literally just met your protagonist and know nothing about why they're pissed (which is fine, this is the first page), but also because I haven't really connected with them yet. You've got the emotions in place, so to try to start forging this connection I recommend including more of their thoughts. What are they thinking when they finally see their destination? What are they thinking about the e-mail? Do they know who sent it? What it's referring to? I have no idea what's going on as a reader, but your protagonist does, so we should get glimpses of that even from the first page.

Okay! So all in all, this is well-polished already to begin with—I didn't have a whole lot to adjust in the line edits because with exception to the minor points I noted, it already reads smoothly, so nicely done! I think it could still use a little tweaking, as I mentioned above, but if I saw this in the slush I'd definitely keep reading. :)

I hope that helps! Thanks for sharing your first 250 with us, Lindsey!

Would you like to be featured in the next Fixing the First Page critique? Keep an eye out for the next giveaway in November!

Twitter-sized bite:

.@Ava_Jae talks deepening POV, great imagery and more in the 28th Fixing the First Page Feature. (Click to tweet)

Fixing the First Page #28!

Photo credit: Clara T S H on Flickr

I was pretty stunned to realize this week we're already halfway through October, which means November is almost here, which means NaNoWriMo is nearing and, happily, it's time for the twenty-eighth Fixing the First Page feature!

For those who’ve missed before, the Fixing the First Page features is a public first 250 word critique. Using the lovely rafflecopter widget, anyone interested in winning a public (as in, featured in a post on this blog) first page critique can enter.

For an example of what this critique will look like, here's the last Fixing the First Page post.

Rules!

• ONLY the first 250 words will be critiqued (up to finishing the sentence). If you win and send me more, I will crop it myself. No exceptions.


• ONLY the first page. I don’t want 250 random words from your manuscript, or from chapter 3. If you win the critique and send me anything other than the first 250 words of your manuscript, I will choose someone else.


• I will actually critique it. Here. On the blog. I will say things as nicely as I can, but I do tend to be a little blunt. If you’re not sure you can handle a public critique, then you may want to take some time to think about it before you enter.


• Genre restrictions. I'm most experienced with YA & NA, but I will still accept MG and Adult. HOWEVER. If your first page has any erotic content on it, I ask that you don’t enter. I want to be able to post the critique and the first 250 in its entirety without making anyone uncomfortable, and if you win and you enter a page with erotic content, I will choose someone else.


• You must have your first page ready. Should you win, you need to be able to submit your first page within 48 hours of my contacting you to let you know you won. If 48 hours pass and I haven’t heard from you, again, I will choose someone else.


• You’ll get the most out of this if it isn’t a first draft. Obviously, I have no way of knowing if you’re handing me a first draft (though I will probably suspect because it’s usually not that difficult to tell). I won’t refuse your page if it’s a first draft, but you should know that this critique will likely be of more use if you’ve already had your betas/CPs look over it. Why? Because if you don’t, the critique I give you will probably contain a lot of notes that your betas & CPs could have/would have told you.


• There will not be a round 2 (unless you win again in a future contest). I hate to have to say this, but if you win a critique, it’s NOT an invitation to send me a bunch of your revisions. I wish I had the time available to be able to look at revisions, but sadly, I don’t. If you try to break this rule, I will nicely say no, and also remember to choose someone else should you win a second contest. Which would make me sad. :(

So that’s it! If you’re okay with all of the above and would like to enter to be the twenty-second public critique on Writability, do the thing with the rafflecopter widget below. You have until Monday, October 24 at 11:59 EST to enter!


a Rafflecopter giveaway

Fixing the First Page Feature #27

Photo credit: archer10 (Dennis) OFF on Flickr

Somehow, it's the last week of September, which means the time has arrived to critique another first page here on Writability.

As per usual, I'll start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I'll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (because I'm one person with one opinion!), as long as it's polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be unceremoniously deleted.

Let's go! 

Title: SAVING ERIIA'S WINDSTORM

Genre/Category: YA Fantasy

First 250 words:

"The entire throne room was filled to bursting, elves in every row, some even filling the spaces between seats and walls. The day the king banished his own daughter was not a day to miss. 

But Eriia didn’t see the elves in the seats, high above her and behind. She saw only the two thrones before her, one empty and the other with the tall, imposing figure of her father. She hadn’t meant to hurt anyone, she really didn’t. She had just wanted to prove to her father that she was good enough, so she wove a spell to light a candle, something Ileon had been doing since he was five. Now he was eleven and could make fire into shapes, dancing dragons and flowers and things Eriia couldn’t even name, and she was nine and set the Hanging Castle on fire, because she had no control. 

'Eriia,' her father’s voice boomed. He wouldn’t even call her a princess anymore. 'You’ve become quite the spectacle to this family.'

'Father, I—' she tried to say, but King Cepheus held up a hand and a frown. 

'You destroyed part of the castle. You’re lucky no one was hurt, but our poor Queen is sick in bed from the smoke. Do you realize what you’ve done?'

'Father, I’m—'

'You’ve always been a menace, causing trouble since you were young.'

Hot tears welled up in Eriia’s eyes. She hadn’t meant to make trouble. Trouble just always found her. 

'Where’s mother?' Eriia looked up at her father, 'Where’s mama? Does she know?'"

Awww. This is sad. :( Okay, interesting opening with nice details but I'm sensing this is a prologue. It's hard to say how necessary a prologue is without looking at the first couple chapters, but given that this is when Eriia is nine and this is a YA, I'm assuming this is just background information on how she got banished. While I understand the urge to start there, as I imagine a princess getting banished from her kingdom is a pretty big deal, I suspect it'd probably still be better to start closer to the actual inciting incident, whatever that is, and fill in this background information either woven into the text, or through a flashback or something, or both.

It's not badly written or anything (far from it!), but in terms of plot and tendencies I've seen with many, many prologues, that'd be my guess.

On a different note, I'd also like to see more description—the throne room is filled to bursting, but what does it look like? She sees the thrones—what do they look like? I was having a bit of trouble picturing the room where the scene takes place.

Now for the in-line notes!

"The entire throne room was filled to bursting, elves in every row, some even filling the spaces between seats and walls. The day the king banished his own daughter was not a day to miss. Nice.

But Eriia didn’t see the elves in the seats, high above her and behind. She saw only the two thrones before her, one empty and the other with the tall, imposing figure of her father. She hadn’t meant to hurt anyone, she really didn’t. She had just wanted to prove to her father that she was good enough, so she wove a spell to light a candle, something Ileon had been doing since he was five. This is a great detail and gives us some nice, subtle world building and tells us she has a brother (or I'm assuming, anyway). Now he was eleven and could make fire into shapes, dancing dragons and flowers and things Eriia couldn’t even name,. 

and sShe was nine and set the Hanging Castle on fire, because she had no control. Moved this down a line to give it more punch. :)

'Eriia,' her father’s voice boomed. He wouldn’t even call her a princess anymore. This is also a great detail to bring attention to. 'You’ve become quite the spectacle to this family.'

'Father, I—' she tried to say, but King Cepheus held up a hand and a frowned. Adjusted both because we don't need the dialogue tag (we know she's speaking because "Father") and also "a frown" sounds like "he held up a frown" which is not what you meant. :)

'You destroyed part of the castle. You’re lucky no one was hurt, but our poor Queen is sick in bed from the smoke. Do you realize what you’ve done?'

I recommend inserting some of Eriia's emotions and thoughts in here. We have her external responses (dialogue) but until two lines from here we don't really get any internal reactions at all, and I think they'd help. This must be a really emotional scene for her, so where are her emotions? 'Father, I’m—'

'You’ve always been a menace, causing trouble since you were young.'

Hot tears welled up in Eriia’s eyes. She hadn’t meant to make trouble. Trouble just always found her. This is a great paragraph and makes me sad, which is good because I'm connecting emotionally with your protagonist.

'Where’s mother?' Eriia looked up at her father, 'Where’s mama? Does she know?'"

Overall, the writing is really well done. There's more I'd like to see, like I mentioned (description, internal emotions and thoughts), but what's there is nicely polished and I only felt like it needed a few tweaks. If I saw this in the slush, I'd keep reading.

So all in all, while I'm not convinced it's starting in the right place and I think it could use more embellishing, this is a really solid start. Nicely done, Magdalyn!

I hope that helps! Thanks for sharing your first 250 with us!

Would you like to be featured in the next Fixing the First Page critique? Keep an eye out for the next giveaway in October!


Twitter-sized bite:

.@Ava_Jae talks prologues, description, internal emotion and more in the 27th Fixing the First Page Feature. (Click to tweet)