Fixing the First Page Feature #39

Photo credit: WordRidden on Flickr

October is just days away! Which means all things Fall are upon us, the leaves are changing colors, the weather is cooling in the Northern hemisphere (hopefully), and, of course, it's time for the next Fixing the First Page feature.

As usual, I'll start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I'll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (because I'm one person with one opinion!), as long as it's polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be unceremoniously deleted.

Let's do this. 

Title: SONG OF BLOOD

Genre/Category: Fantasy

"The tavern was filled with pirates of various fashion senses. A gaggle of them roared for refills, sporting offensively garish breeches and egos to match. The older ones slouched in corners, black trench coats pulled up around their grizzled faces, rapiers hanging like dead men from their belts. With her outlandishly feathered hat and high collared coat, Captain Scarlet Rogue was right at home. 

She sat in the corner, hands clasped around a mug of ale that, by the look of the tavern, was most certainly watered down. The amber liquid sloshed in her glass as she tipped it back and forth, listening to pirates shout for drinks and pretty barmaids. 

One such barmaid had approached her, asking in a reedy voice if that was all she’d be having. Scarlet ignored her until she flounced off to go sit on some drunkard’s lap. She’d been sitting in the same tavern all day, and her hands were clenched around the mug so tightly she didn’t think she could let go if she tried. 

Her crimson hair was tied up and shoved under her hat, her revolvers tucked away into her coat. She was no longer the feared Scarlet Rogue, captain of the Vespers, a name that had once struck terror into the hearts of every good-hearted merchant and dirty-mouthed sailor. She was just Scarlet, captain of a ship that hadn’t left port in months."

This is so interesting! I love the characterization of Scarlett and definitely have lots of questions, as a reader. There are also some really nice moments of imagery I enjoyed.

I do think it'd be helpful to condense a bit to get to the part about how her ship hasn't left port in months a little faster, though, because I felt like it went on just a tad too much in places where it'd be more effective to get to the point.But overall this was an enjoyable start.

Now for the line edits!

"The tavern was filled with pirates and Captain Scarlet Rouge was right at home of various fashion senses. I'm suggesting you move (part of) the last line to the start, for a few reasons. First, starting with the protagonist right away helps better ground readers, who in your original version are left to kind of float around aimlessly until you mention Scarlet. And secondly, the "various fashions senses" bit wasn't really carrying its own weight, meaning that it was vague and didn't really add enough to the sentence that I felt it was worth keeping. A gaggle of them privateers (or another word for pirates) roared for refills, sporting offensively garish breeches and egos to match. The older ones slouched in corners, black trench coats pulled up around their grizzled faces, rapiers hanging like dead men from their belts. I love this image so much! "rapiers hanging like dead men from their belts" like, what powerful imagery! Really, really nicely done. With her outlandishly feathered hat and high collared coat, Captain Scarlet Rogue was right at home. 

She Scarlet sat in the corner, hands clasped around a mug of ale that, by the look of the tavern, was most certainly watered down. Nice voice. The amber liquid sloshed in her glass as she tipped it back and forth, listening to pirates shout for drinks and pretty barmaids. 

One such barmaid had approached her, asking in a reedy voice if that was all she’d be having. Scarlet ignored her until she flounced off to go sit on some drunkard’s lap. I want to encourage you to be careful with the word choice here, because Scarlett is starting to come off as arrogant, like she thinks the barmaid is beneath her. It's not endearing. She’d been sitting in the same tavern all day, and her hands were clenched around the mug so tightly she didn’t think she could let go if she tried. 

Her crimson hair was tied up and shoved under her outlandishly feathered hat, her revolvers tucked away into her high-collared coat. Bringing back some of that description I cut earlier. She was no longer the feared Scarlet Rogue, captain of the Vespers, a name that'd had once struck terror into the hearts of every good-hearted merchant and dirty-mouthed sailor. She was just Scarlet, captain of a ship that hadn’t left port in months."

So there are my suggestions! Overall, they're mostly just tightening notes, to help move things a little more quickly and ground the reader right away. I think this was a really strong start to begin with and I'm totally interested—if I saw this in the slush I'd definitely keep reading. 

I hope that helps! Thanks for sharing your first 250 with us, Arden!

Twitter-sized bite:

.@Ava_Jae talks grounding the reader, imagery and more in the 39th Fixing the First Page Feature. (Click to tweet)

Fixing the First Page Feature #37

Photo credit: gwen on Flickr

Somehow, August is nearly here—something I can't quite wrap my head around, in large part because August is a huge transitional month for me. But that said! The end of July is nigh which means it's time for the next Fixing the First Page critique!

As usual, I'll start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I'll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (because I'm one person with one opinion!), as long as it's polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be unceremoniously deleted.

Let's go!

Title: DIA DE MUERTOS (working title)

Genre/Category: YA Paranormal

First 250 words:

"The veil between the living and the dead has always fascinated me and is much thinner than you might think. My mother spoke often of this doorway, especially at the end of October during Dia de Muertos, the time of year when our deceased loved ones return to the world of the living for a short time. We welcome them back with altars filled with photos, marigolds, incense and their favorite foods and drink.

I always imagined the veil to be something I could feel, like fine silk slipping through my fingers. One day I told her this, and she laughed kindly.

'No, Lana, it isn’t an actual curtain. No one can see it or feel it.'

'Then how do we know it exists?'

'Faith,' was all she said.

But she turned out to be wrong because the time came when I could see the veil. Eventually I could also touch it with enough concentration. Far more beautiful than I had imagined, it was silvery, gossamer and soft with a pattern so intricate I don’t possess the words to describe it properly. I’ve often wondered what would happen if I tried to cross over. Would I be able to make it back since I’m still alive?

There’s no one to ask.

Neither of my parents know I have this gift. After what my mom told me, I don’t think she’d believe me. Then I might end up no longer believing and fear I’d lose this ability. So for now, it’s my secret."

Okay, interesting! I think this is the first First Page critique I've had with a Latinx protagonist, so yay. :)

Annnyway! First thing I noticed is actually the title, and the holiday name which you use in the sample—I'm not 100% sure (I will be the first to tell you my Spanish grammar is atrocious), but isn't it Dia de los Muertos? I'm pretty sure "Dia de Muertos" would translate to "Day of Dead" which is missing an article (the). When I looked it up online, Dia de los Muertos seemed to be the default. Just a minor note!

As for my overall thoughts, this is an interesting opening and sets up the mood well...but it's all exposition. And those last three paragraphs in particular involve the protagonist telling the reader what she can do, but it'd be much more effective to see it in action. Expository openings aren't necessarily an automatic no (I actually start Into the Black with some exposition ¯\_(ツ)_/¯) but it does require careful balancing and right now this feels too exposition-heavy to me. At the very least, I'd like to see her doing something while thinking about the other side—maybe they're actually having a Dia de los Muertos celebration? That could be interesting. Or maybe something else, but I want to see her in motion even as she thinks about these things. 

Okay, now on to the line edits! 

"The veil between the living and the dead has always fascinated me and is much thinner than you'd might think. Adjusted to cut down on wordiness and condense to the heart of the sentence. My mother spoke often of this doorway, especially at the end of October during Dia de los Muertos, the time of year when our deceased loved ones return to the world of the living for a short time. We welcome them back with altars filled with photos, marigolds, incense and their favorite foods and drink.

I always imagined the veil to be something I could feel, like fine silk slipping through my fingers. One day I told her this, and she laughed kindly.

'No, Lana, it isn’t an actual curtain. No one can see it or feel it.'

'Then how do we know it exists?'

'Faith,' was all she said.

But she turned out to be was wrong because the time came when after a while I could see the veil. Eventually I could also touch it with enough concentration. Far more beautiful than It had imagined, it was silvery, gossamer and soft with a beautifully pattern so intricate I don’t possess the words to describe it properly. I’ve often wondered wWhat would happen if I tried to cross over?. Most of the cuts I've suggested so far have been to decrease wordiness, but this one in particular was to remove filtering (wondered). Would I be able to make it back since I’m still alive?

There’s no one to ask.

Neither of my parents know I have this gift. After what my mom told me, I don’t think she’d believe me. Then I might end up no longer believing and fear I’d lose this ability. So for now, it’s my secret."

Cool! So as you can see, by far my largest line editing comment is to be careful with wordiness—I find it helps if you read your work aloud, because it's often easier to feel when a sentence is crowded with too many words when it's spoken. Just make sure you ask yourself with every sentence whether you're saying something in ten words that you could say in seven or five. :)

Suggestions aside, I am still intrigued so if I saw this in the slush, I'd keep reading. But I'd personally give it maybe a page or two more before I lost patience with the exposition sooo...just saying. ;)

I hope that helps! Thanks for sharing your first 250 with us, Jennifer!

Twitter-sized bite:

.@Ava_Jae talks wordiness, exposition and more in the 37th Fixing the First Page Feature. (Click to tweet)

Fixing the First Page Feature #29

Photo credit: Javier Vieras on Flickr

We're now in the final days of November, the holidays are upon us, and the end of the year is nearing. I love the holiday season—it's my favorite time of year, so I, for one, am looking forward to the next (expensive) month. Which means it's time for this month's Fixing the First Page Feature!

As usual, I'll start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I'll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (because I'm one person with one opinion!), as long as it's polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be unceremoniously deleted.

Here we go!

Title: MAKING LOVE & MUSIC

Genre/Category: Adult Contemporary Romance

First 250 words:

"Three days into June and she was still wearing long sleeves and jeans.

Addy sighed, eying the rain-dampened pavement outside with blatant disdain. Summer was always slow to hit Canada, but this year even spring was taking its sweet time. 'It’s a cruel joke,' she told the little unicorn bobble-head stuck to the dashboard of her beat-up gold Intrepid. He nodded in agreement as she reached up to pull the car’s sun visor down. She had always been a summer girl, through and through, and this weather was crushing her soul. 

Oh well. She’d have enough time to complain about it once she was properly made-up and inside the station. 

The visor’s mirror only proved that she looked just as exhausted as she felt; not even the extra large coffee she’d purchased was going to save her. It would definitely have been wiser to make the four-hour drive home from the cottage the night before. 

Missing sleep was among her least favourite things in the world, but it was worth it. She could live with one day of caffeine jitters and sleep-deprived misery if it meant she got to spend even a few extra hours with Dad and her big sister Alexis. She loved her family more than anything, and living across the border from them was the only genuine complaint she had about her life. 

After applying a quick coat of lipstick and mascara, Addy took a moment to evaluate her quickie makeup job. 'Nope,' she sighed. 'Still look like a corpse.'"

Okay! So, first thoughts: I think this is a nice start—I enjoyed the imagery and the line at the end was fun—but it's missing any hint of conflict. As I've said in previous critiques, you definitely don't need The Problem on page one, but it can help to infuse a little foreshadowed conflict or hint of whatever is wrong to come early on, because it establishes tension right away which can pull readers in. Without it, you have an opening that's nice, but it might not grab readers or be particularly memorable.

So overall, this isn't a bad start—I just think it could use some tweaking to make it grab a little more.

Now for the in-line notes:

"Three days into June and she was still wearing long sleeves and jeans.

Addy sighed, eying glaring at the rain-dampened pavement outside with blatant disdain. You don't have to use that phrasing exactly, of course, but I tweaked the sentence to show her disdain with an action (glaring) rather than saying she's looking with disdain. Summer was always slow to hit Canada, but this year even spring was taking its sweet time. 'It’s a cruel joke,' she told the little unicorn bobble-head stuck to the dashboard of her beat-up gold Intrepid. He nodded in agreement as she reached up to pulled the car’s sun visor down. Condensed that sentence some. She'd had always been a summer girl, through and through, and this weather was crushing her soul. 

Oh well. She’d have enough time to complain about it once she was properly made-up and inside the station. 

The visor’s mirror only proved that she looked just as exhausted as she felt; not even the her extra large coffee she’d purchased was going to save her. It would definitely have been wiser to make the four-hour drive home from the cottage the night before. 

Missing sleep was among her least favourite things in the world, but it was worth it. She could live with one day of caffeine jitters and sleep-deprived misery if it meant she got to spend even a few extra hours with Dad and her big sister Alexis. She loved her family more than anything, and living across the border from them was the her only genuine life complaint she had about her life. 

After applying a quick coat of lipstick and mascara, Addy took a moment to evaluate her quickie makeup job. Took out quick because the speed is implied with "quickie makeup job" and you don't need to say quick twice. 'Nope,' she sighed. 'Still look like a corpse.'" I like that last line. :) 

All right, so, main adjustments here are to cut out unnecessary wordiness, but overall there wasn't that much that needed fixing, as you can see. The main thing I think needs tweaking is what I mentioned above—some conflict—but other than that I think this is a well-written start. If I saw this in the slush, I'd keep reading...but if some conflict or tension didn't come up quickly, I'd probably stop reading.

I hope that helps! Thanks for sharing your first 250 with us, Andrea!

Would you like to be featured in the next Fixing the First Page critique? Keep an eye out for the next giveaway in December!


Twitter-sized bite:

.@Ava_Jae talks wordiness, adding early tension, and more in the 29th Fixing the First Page Feature. (Click to tweet)

Fixing the First Page Feature #25

Photo credit: marco monetti on Flickr

We are exactly one week from August! And so the time is here again, to critique another first page here on Writability. Yay! 

As per usual, I'll start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I'll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (because I'm one person with one opinion!), as long as it's polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be unceremoniously deleted.

Let's do this thing. 

Title: RISING

Genre/Category: YA Historical Fantasy

First 250 words: 

"Ailis slipped out from the glow of the street lamp into the shadows of the porch. Shivering from the cold, she peered down the lonely alley. Ivy hung low over the wooden eaves, offering concealment from the road, and from the British armored truck that was parked in front of the flats across the drive. She hadn’t expected the enemy’s presence so near. From her orders, she knew Pedlar’s Cross was occupied, but not that the Tommies were taking billets on the same street as her dispatch. 

She took a deep breath and tried not to tremble, but to hold back the fear. Her Mam had cautioned that this work was not for young people. She said the risks were too high and her daughter had no business endangering her life like the men do. Ailis refused to hear of it, yet her Mam’s voice echoed in her ears, even though she was miles from home. 

'You can’t imagine what they’d do to you, Ailis. If they catch you they’d be shearing the wool clean off your head, fixing you for a hanging,' she had said. 

It didn’t matter though. Ailis was going to defend her homeland alongside her da, and alongside the man she loved, too. She tapped on the door with the brass knocker as quietly as she could. Three taps, silence, and two taps. 

She wrung her hands, both to keep them warm and to settle her nerves. Being seen outside this late at night was a crime."

Wow! So no question about it, this is a great opening. We've got instant conflict, some beautiful imagery, and tons of tension right off the bat. Upon a first glance, I'm very impressed and definitely want to read more. :)

Now for the in-line notes.

"Ailis slipped out from under the glow of the street lamp into the shadows of the porch. Beautiful opening imagery. Shivering from the cold, she peered down the lonely alley. I'm cutting "from the cold" to condense—and also given her situation, she's probably pretty afraid too. Ivy hung low over the wooden eaves, offering concealingment her from the road, and from the British armored truck that was parked in front of the flats across the drive. All adjustments made to condense. She hadn’t expected the enemy’s presence so near. From hHer orders, she knew said Pedlar’s Cross was occupied, but not that the Tommies were taking billets on the same street as her dispatch. Adjusted to remove filtering ("she knew").

She took a deep breath and tried not to tremble, but to hold back the fear. The fear bit of the sentence is unnecessary, IMO. The trembling/deep breath plus the following thoughts already shows her fear well. :) Her Mam had cautioned that this work wasno't for young people. She said the risks were too high and her daughter had no business endangering her life like the men do. Ailis refused to hear of it, yet her Mam’s voice echoed in her ears, even though she was miles from home. Great (and nicely placed) detail.

'You can’t imagine what they’d do to you, Ailis. If they catch you they’d be shearing the wool clean off your head, fixing you for a hanging,' she had said. Fantastic world building and setting up of stakes here.

It didn’t matter though. Ailis was going to defend her homeland alongside her da, and alongside the man she loved, too. More nicely placed information. She tapped on the door with the brass knocker as quietly as she could. Three taps, silence, and two taps. And another nice detail—great job. :)

She wrung her hands, both to keep them warm and to settle her nerves. Being seen outside this late at night was a crime." Great world building, tension, stakes, everything.

So in case it wasn't obvious in my notes, I love this one. The world building is really well done, the details are fantastic, I can picture everything, and I need more! Most of my notes are just focused on condensing to make it read even more smoothly, and I would 100% keep reading if I saw this in the slush. Also, I don't know if Dianne plans to enter #PitchWars, but if not, you should definitely do that thing, Dianne. :)

I hope that helps! Thanks for sharing your first 250 with us, Dianne!

Would you like to be featured in a Fixing the First Page Feature? Keep an eye out for the next critique giveaway in August!

Twitter-sized bite:

.@Ava_Jae talks condensing, great world building and more in the 25th Fixing the First Page critique. (Click to tweet)

How to Condense Without Losing Anything Useful

Photo credit: M1keez on Flickr

It's not uncommon for writers to rely on filler words while writing—and especially while first drafting. From filter phrases to adverbs all over the place, drafts that aren't scrutinized to condense the writing are often full of words that unnecessarily clog up the writing.

Good news is while this is totally not something you should worry about while first drafting (seriously), when the time comes to take care of this issue, it's relatively easy to do. Time-consuming and painstaking, yes, but thankfully not too difficult to do.

To make it even easier, however, I've decided to add to my how to make cuts without losing anything useful post with more easy-to-remove words to look out for.

1. Starts/begins to. This is actually a tip I picked up from my editor, and it's a good one—9/10 times when you preface an action with "starts to" or "begins to" you don't need that phrase. Just by describing the action, the readers assume it's just started unless otherwise stated. 


2. Immediately/without warning. Like "suddenly" these words are usually unnecessary. I'll refer you to the other post for a longer explanation. 


3. That. I'm not going to say you never need "that", but oftentimes I find "that" is super overused. In sentences like "She said that I should go," for example, removing the "that" improves the flow and we don't lose anything by cutting it. 


4. Up/Down. For these two I only mean in very specific cases: sitting up/down, standing up/down, etc. In those cases, the up/down is unnecessary. 


5. Dialogue + action tag. I see this a lot, and tend to do this a lot when first drafting and just slapping words down, but when you have a dialogue tag and an action tag, you usually only need one—and oftentimes I go with the action tag because it's more visual (although there are exceptions, of course). So, for example: "'Where've you been?' he said, scowling" could be condensed to "'Where've you been?' He scowled." 


6. -ly adverbs. One of my last condensing steps is to go through and do a search for "ly" to cut down on my adverbs. While I definitely don't recommend removing all of them (adverbs can be useful!), writers in general tend to use them more than necessary, so it can be good to go through and do a quick sweep. 

So those are some words I look out for when condensing my writing—what phrases or words would you add to the list? 

Twitter-sized bite: 

Need to lower your word count but not sure where to start? @Ava_Jae shares six easy condensing tips. (Click to tweet)

Do you tend toward wordiness? @Ava_Jae shares six ways to condense your writing. #edittip (Click to tweet)

Fixing the First Page Feature #20

Photo credit: Evangelio Gonzalez MD on Flickr

TOMORROW IS MARCH 1st. MARCH IS NEARLY HERE. DEBUT DAY IS NEARLY HERE. AHHH.

Which. Um. Means it's time for the next Fixing the First Page feature before I go make a blanket fort. Eeep!

As these things go, I'll start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I'll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (because I'm one person with one opinion!), as long as it's polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be unceremoniously deleted.

Here we go!

Title: WILD CALLING

Genre/Category: YA Historical Paranormal

First 250:

"I sing song after song calling to my Maybelle. I ask the oceans to take the songs to her, to call her back to me. 

Chapter One 

My Da was Petey Langton, the best liar in the Caribbean; he had to be as a pirate captain. I knew he loved me, I trusted him in that unthinking way you do as a child. I never thought he'd lie to me. I was wrong. He lied to me all my life about Mam, even about who and what I was. Back then I knew nothing of that. 

Running over the sand of the bank I leapt out, flying over the water shrieking. Lifting my knees up I hugged them to me, falling with a smack onto the river. It slapped my feet and I sank through the surface, I had to try hard not to gasp at the freshness of the water. My feet hit the mud of the bottom. Pushing down, I flew back up through the water, my arms reaching upwards. Opening my eyes I saw the clear green water streaming past me. I broke through the river into the hot blue air, spluttering. 

I yelled at Billy and the other ship's boys on the bank. 

'Come in, it's great!' 

They stared at me without answering and didn't follow me. Whenever the Silver Cutlass was moored up at Matthewstown me, Billy, and the youngest of the ship's boys had a good deal of fun playing with the village children."

Okay! So, firstly, I am such a fan of the rise in pirates in YA, like, yes. But anyway, the excerpt. I want to start by saying that "Historical Paranormal" would probably be more effectively described as Historical Fantasy, which is an established genre.

As for the excerpt itself, I like the italicized line at the beginning, but I feel like it would work better in the text somewhere, with context. Without the context, it sounds nice, but it doesn't really mean much to me, so as a reader I just skip over it. I also feel like you may want to consider cutting the first paragraph—I understand what the intended purpose is (to establish some conflict upfront), but the whole thing sounds reminiscent to me, like an adult looking back at their child self, which pulls it out of YA. It also gives away a lot of the surprises in the text—I don't want to be told that her father is a liar, I want to be as surprised as she is when she discovers it herself in the plot. Giving away a surprise upfront by telling the readers, to me, lessens the effect of the surprise, and also gives readers the impression that there's likely to be a lot of explaining the plot in the story, which isn't beneficial.

When you remove the first paragraph, of course, you then have a new issue: there isn't really an effective hook in the opening. I think this could probably be tweaked by thinking about the opening scene—whatever the conflict is in the opening scene, is there a way you could allude to it from the start? I can't answer this with just the first 250, but I have a feeling there probably is a way.

Now for the in-line edits:

"I sing song after song calling to my Maybelle. I ask the oceans to take the songs to her, to call her back to me. 

Chapter One 

My Da was Petey Langton, the best liar in the Caribbean; he had to be as a pirate captain. I knew he loved me, I trusted him in that unthinking way you do as a child. I never thought he'd lie to me. I was wrong. He lied to me all my life about Mam, even about who and what I was. Back then I knew nothing of that.  I already said above why I think these should be cut/moved.

Running over the sand of the bank I leapt out, shrieking as I flew over the water flying over the water shrieking. Adjusted for flow purposes—I think this is a little easier to understand. Lifting my knees up I hugged my knees to my chest them to me, falling with a smack onto the river. Again, adjusted to improve the flow of the sentence. It slapped my feet and I sank through the surface, I had to try hard not to gasp at the freshness of the water. This sentence reads awkwardly to me, and it's a bit of a run on. Maybe try something like, "The fresh water slapped my feet—I clamped down on a gasp as I sank below the surface." This cuts some of the wordiness out and also makes the sentence more active. My feet hit the [insert adjective: slick? cold? slimy?] mud of the bottom. Pushing down, ("Pushing down" is confusing with this context—maybe "kicking off"?) I flew back up through the water, my arms reaching upwards There's a lot of wordiness here, too, and the repetition of "up" brings attention to it. Try rewording this sentence by shortening it and removing the repetition (For example: "I rocketed towards the surface with my arms above my head"). Opening my eyes I saw the clear green water streaming past me Filter phrase alert! Try rewriting without "I saw". I broke through the river into the hot blue air, spluttering. I really like the imagery here, especially "hot blue air." Very nice. :)

I yelled at Billy and the other ship's boys on the bank. I feel like she would know the name of the other ship, right? It'd be a nice detail to place here.

'Come in, it's great!' 

They stared at me without answering and didn't follow me You don't need the second half of this sentence—just leaving at the boys staring says well enough that they aren't following her in or speaking. Whenever the Silver Cutlass was moored up at Matthewstown, me, Billy, and the youngest of the ship's boys had a good deal of fun playing with the village children." Technically the bolded is grammatically incorrect...but that could be done on purpose for voice purposes, so I'm letting it slide. :)

Despite my many, many suggestions, I actually do like this opening, and I'm curious to see what happens (did I mention I really like pirate books?). This is a fun start, and with some tweaks I think it could potentially be strong—we could just use a hint of tension, some rewording, and some details here and there to solidify the imagery. If I saw this in the slush, I would tentatively continue reading to see how the scene played out.

I hope that helps! Thanks for sharing your first 250 with us, Kathryn!

Would you like to be featured in a Fixing the First Page Feature? Keep an eye out for the next critique giveaway in March!

Twitter-sized bite:

.@Ava_Jae talks wordiness, details, and avoiding spoilers in the 20th Fixing the First Page critique. (Click to tweet)

Fixing the First Page Feature #19

Photo credit: hdes.copeland on Flickr

So February is nearly upon us, which means a lot of exciting things, but mostly importantly here means the next Fixing the First Page critique has arrived!

As it goes, I'll start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I'll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (because I'm one person with one opinion!), as long as it's polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be unceremoniously deleted.

Let's do this!

Title: BLACK FOG

Genre/Category: YA Paranormal Romance

First 250: 

"I crumpled the exam and tossed it into the trash as I exited the school building. My A proving Lysol killed more germs than bleach was hard earned. I should’ve been proud, but the grade made me feel like Dad. Being a brainiac was a nerdy-coolness I needed to smother before I obsessed over science experiments like him. 

'You could fail intentionally, yunno?' Tara suggested, walking into the parking lot by my side. Of course, my best friend knew my score. She also knew my grades were important to me to get into college to escape this gawd-awful town—away from my absent-for-life father, where at least he’d have an excuse not to see me. 

I combed my fingers through my mop of hair. 'That’s stupid.'

Gravel crunched under our feet walking to her car. The sun warmed our skin. Tara stared past me and batted her lashes toward Anath. He gazed at me from a few cars down. 'Seriously Raeni, I think he’s crushing.'

I peeked over my shoulder at his tribal tattoo as his bronze arm swooped through the strap of his backpack. Long dark curls caressed his high cheek bones. It was hard not to look at him. His brown eyes locked onto mine. Caught, I turned away. 

'Stop ogling.' I laughed at Tara, dropping my backpack on her hood. He watched. 

'Talk to him, but not about your nightmares,' she whispered. 

Now she thinks I’m brainless? Telling a guy I’m a nut-job won’t ever be on my to-do list."

Hmm, okay! I kind of have mixed feelings about the wanting to fail to look cool thing, if only because I'm not totally convinced that's really a thing? It's been several years since I've been in HS, but when I went it was super competitive and kids who got As were definitely not looked down on. In fact, the popular kids kind of had to perform at least decently well because they'd get kicked off their sports teams otherwise.

On another note, I like the slice of life thing you've got going here, but I'm wondering if there'd be a way to inject more of a hint to the upcoming conflict. This all seems very normal and I'm not sure it's functioning as a powerful enough hook.

Now for the in-line edits:

"I crumpled the exam and tossed it into the trash as I exited the school building. My A proving Lysol killed more germs than bleach was hard earned. I feel like this is grammatically off in terms of subject/object. The "A" didn't prove Lysol kills more germs than bleach—the report did—but the way this sentence is structured is a little confusing. I'd reword this to avoid anyone tripping over it (like I did). I should’ve been proud, but the grade made me feel like Dad. Being a brainiac was a nerdy-coolness I needed to smother before I obsessed over science experiments like him. 

'You could fail intentionally, yunno?' Tara suggested, walking into the parking lot by my side. Of course, my best friend knew my score. She also knew my grades were important to me to get into college to escape this gawd-awful town I'd make this just "god-awful." To me, the "gawd" placement feels too much like an adult trying to sound teenager-y.—away from my absent-for-life father, where at least he’d have an excuse not to see me. This is great—really gets across her bitterness in a realistic way without drifting into woe is me territory.

I combed my fingers through my mop of hair. 'That’s stupid.'

Gravel crunched under our feet walking to her car. This is another place where the structure is confusing—it looks to me like you're saying the gravel is walking. I'd go with "Gravel crunched under our feet as we walked to her car." The sun warmed our skin. Tara stared past me and batted her lashes toward Anath. He gazed at me from a few cars down. 'Seriously Raeni, I think he’s crushing.' Do teens still say this? I would check with some actual teens to be sure.

I peeked over my shoulder at his tribal tattoo as his bronze arm swooped through the strap of his backpack. Long dark curls caressed his high cheek bones. It was hard not to look at him. His brown eyes locked onto mine. Caught, I turned away. There's nothing technically wrong with this protag checking out hot guy/gets caught looking encounter, but it's used a lot in YA, to the point where I feel like it's drifting into cliché territory. Be careful. 

'Stop ogling.' I laughed at Tara, dropping my backpack on her hood. He watched.  How does she know he's watching if she's not looking at him anymore? This may be a good place for some sensory details if she feels that prickly someone looking at you feel.

'Talk to him, but not about your nightmares,' she whispered. This kind of comes out of nowhere to me, in the sense that I don't see a logical reason why she would say that (and your protag doesn't seem to think there's a logical reason for her saying that, either). Like, telling a hot boy you have a crush on about your nightmares is not a common thing, so it looks to me that you're just trying to tell the readers your protag has nightmares, and if that's the case I think you may want to consider going about it in a more natural way. 

Now she thinks I’m brainless? Telling a guy I’m a nut-job won’t ever be on my to-do list." My thoughts exactly. :) 

Overall, I don't see too much technically wrong, but I feel like this is an opening I've read before. Not literally—I know I haven't read it—but these kind of set-ups are rather common and thus it doesn't really pull me in anymore. Spicing up the opening with a bigger hint to the upcoming conflict might help, or you may want to consider adjusting it to something a little less overdone. As is, if I saw this in the slush, I would pass.

I hope that helps! Thanks for sharing your first 250 with us, P.D.!

Would you like to be featured in a Fixing the First Page Feature? Keep an eye out for the next critique giveaway in February!

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.@Ava_Jae talks familiar openings and writing teens realistically in the 19th Fixing the First Page critique. (Click to tweet)

Never-Ending Editing Syndrome Part Two: Publishing Edition

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So way back in June 2011 (as in, a month after I started blogging), I wrote this really hyper post on Never-Ending Editing Syndrome, which basically describes that ever-present feeling of never really being done with editing when working on a book. (You can read it if you want, but you’ve been warned—it’s hyper, as many of my 2011 posts were.)

One of you lovely readers happened upon that very old post, and asked about my take on it now, close to five years later with my debut on the way. The question specifically was: “How did you find the NEES when agents and editors tell you to change things?”

As I have, as of this morning, submitted (probably) final edits for Beyond the Red, I figured now was as good a time as any to answer.

I have, at this point, read through Beyond the Red a lot. A LOT. Like, I’m honestly not sure how many editing rounds I’ve done, but I’ve read those words more than I care to think about. A from the first round of edits, I already knew which round I was dreading the most: the final round. Where the edits are in and no more changes can be made.

There’s a safety net in knowing that you can always make changes later if you need to (and for that reason, I never really worried when working on revisions with my agent). Every time I hit “send” with the new round of edits to my editor, I reminded myself it’s okay, I can change something next round if I want to.

Except now I know I probably can’t. Not really. Not with anything significant, at this point anyway.

In a way, reading it over and over again helped, because by the time I got to that final round I was feeling pretty good—like in all likelihood I’d already made the changes I wanted. And I did, and sometimes reminding myself of some of those changes was reassuring, because I knew okay, but I fixed x.

The other part of me knows that once I get the final “no more changes at all” copy from my editor, I probably won’t read it. Partially because I’ve read those words so many freaking times but also because I’m afraid I’ll inevitably find a typo or a word choice I decide I don’t like and I won’t be able to do anything about it. And you know, ignorance is bliss and all that.

At this point, I’m keeping some truths locked away to keep in mind when I inevitably start worrying about not being able to change something:

1. I wrote and edited to the very best of my ability—and then some. 
2. A stray typo or eh word choice isn’t going to break the book. Or me. 
3. I’ll always continue to learn and improve, so I can write and edit better next time around. 

So that’s where I’m at right now. It’s an exciting and nerve-wracking time, but overall, I’m proud of myself and of my book. And in less than two months, I’ll be able to share it with all of you. :)

Do you struggle with never-ending editing syndrome?

Twitter-sized bite:

Author @Ava_Jae talks dealing with Never Ending Editing Syndrome during her debut's the pre-publication days. (Click to tweet)

Fixing the First Page Feature #18

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Christmas has come and gone, there are four days until 2016 and the next Fixing the First Page critique is here! Woohoo!

As per usual, I'll start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I'll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (because I'm one person with one opinion!), as long as it's polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be unceremoniously deleted.

Here we go!

Title: COUNTERPOINT

Genre: New Adult Contemporary

First 250:

The snow drifted softly down on the frozen grass, the grey sky swallowing the openness of the world. I stood, staring down hard at the tombstone at my feet. My body was calm, my pulse steady, my mind churning slowly. The violin case weighed my arm down, as if it had a magnetic attraction to my Mom who was beneath my feet, in the ground. Dead. 

I set the case down, kneeling; I touched the headstone, tracing her name: “Amy Duple: Wife, Mother. 1972-2017.” No “devoted wife,” no “loving mother.” Just “wife.” Just “mother.” Keeping it simple, keeping it all about image. God-forbid someone see you as weak, as nurturing. I opened my mouth and sucked in some cool crisp air. Last time I’d been here, it’d been raining. I missed the rain. I missed the moisture up in Oregon too. Down here it was all cracked and chapped and broken. Like our family. 

“I have some things to say,” I said to the grave, tracing the letters of my mother’s name with my hand. “Things are a mess. They’re a mess and I’m so angry. Noah left me; Violet is… like you; Dad’s too optimistic to realize anything is wrong; I didn’t get in to tour and Emma and Noah did and Violet tried to fix it and it’s all just… you’re dead.” I pelted the words at the slab of stone. Just a hug, just a genuine smile, a reassuring hand. Was that too much to hope for from you, Mom?

Okay! So, firstly, I'm wondering if we've started in the right spot here. I've mentioned before that openings should take place right before the inciting incident, and should be hinting at the incident right from the first page (subtly, of course, but still there should be some echoes of conflict, preferably conflict that links to the inciting incident). You also want to make sure that you start with a strong hook of some kind, and to me, this hook isn't quite there and I'm not convinced this is where the story really begins.

I'm also thinking our protagonist's voice doesn't quite fit NA—voice is something that's really hard to pin down (best way to learn voice for a category or genre is to read a lot of the category/genre), and to me this reads as a little more YA than NA, I think, probably, at least partially because we're focused on the protagonist missing their mother. Not to say that NA leads can't (or don't) miss passed away parents, but because this is our opening and the first impression of the protagonist that we have, it made them sound younger to me. 

Now for the line-edits:

The snow drifted softly down onto the frozen grass, the grey sky swallowing the openness of the world I like the idea and imagery associated with the sky swallowing something, but I'm not sure I understand what you're going for with "the openness of the world". I stood, staring down hard at the tombstone at my feet. My body was calm, my pulse steady, my mind churning slowly. I feel like you might be focusing on the wrong emotional tells here? If your protag's visiting his mother in a graveyard, I wouldn't expect his pulse to be affected or his thoughts to be racing—I'd expect them to be sad (and depending on the circumstances, maybe a little angry) and be dealing with those emotional reactions. The violin case weighed my arm down, as if it had a magnetic attraction to my Mom who was beneath my feet, in the ground. I get that the violin case is there probably to tell us something about your protagonist, but logically, why would your protagonist bring their violin to a graveyard? Dead. You don't need this. We understand your protagonist is visiting their mother at a graveyard, and if we didn't, we'd get it in the next paragraph. 

I set the case down, kneeling; I touched the headstone, tracing her name: “Amy Duple: Wife, Mother. 1972-2017.” No “devoted wife,” no “loving mother.” Just “wife.” Just “mother.” Is this supposed to be your protagonist's thought? The frequent switch between italics and non-italicized words threw me off here. Keeping it simple, keeping it all about image. God-forbid someone see you as weak, as nurturing. I am fortunately not versed in how words are chosen for tombstones, but isn't that something the family chooses, after their loved one has passed? If so, wouldn't that be more of a statement on the family that chose the words, rather than the protagonist's mother? I opened my mouth and sucked in some cool, crisp air. Last time I’d been here, it’d been raining. I missed the rain. I missed the moisture up in Oregon too. Down here it was all cracked and chapped and broken. This makes it sound like your protagonist is in a desert/super dry area, but you say last time they'd been there, it was raining, so I'm not sure. Is the area undergoing a drought? Like our family. 

“I have some things to say,” I said to the grave aloud, tracing the letters of my mother’s name with my hand. “Things are a mess. They’re a mess and I’m so angry. Noah left me; Violet is… like you; Dad’s too optimistic to realize anything is wrong; I didn’t get in to tour and Emma and Noah did and Violet tried to fix it and it’s all just… you’re dead.” Okay, so this monologue, to me, reads as you, the author, trying to tell the reader background information, which makes me wonder if this whole scene is only here to give background info. If so, I definitely recommend cutting this scene and starting wherever the story really starts and giving us this information through action, observations, dialogue that isn't a monologue, etc.. I pelted the words at the slab of stone. Just a hug, just a genuine smile, a reassuring hand. I found this sentence confusing at first. I get that maybe your protagonist wishes their mother did these things while she was alive, but in this context, it almost seems like your protag wants those things now which is confusing given that they are in a graveyard, alone. Was that too much to hope for from you, Mom?

Right, so, after reading this twice, I'm even more convinced that this is probably not starting in the right spot for your story, though that's impossible to say for sure without looking at your full plot. I definitely recommend, however, going back to your plot and thinking about where the story really starts and what the inciting incident is (this is a super common struggle with openings though, so don't worry!). As is, if I saw this in the slush, I would pass.

I hope that helps! Thanks for sharing your first 250 with us, Luke!

Would you like to be featured in a Fixing the First Page Feature? Keep an eye out for the first first 250 crit giveaway of 2016 (ahh!) next month!

Twitter-sized bite:

.@Ava_Jae talks inciting incidents and starting in the right place in the 18th Fixing the First Page critique. (Click to tweet)

Fixing the First Page Feature #12

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It’s nearly July, which means it’s time for this month’s fixing the first page critique! Woot! As these things go, I'll start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I'll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (I'm just one person with one opinion!), as long as it's polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be unceremoniously deleted.

Let’s do this.

Title: ALMENDRA’S JOURNEY

Genre/Category: YA Fantasy

First 250:

“Almendra opened her eyes on the seventh chime of the clock. She quickly sat up, stretched and smiled. Just then the door to her room opened and in entered a large, grey wolf with a tray on his back. 

‘Good morning, Woo,’ said Almendra, her face splitting into a grin. She pecked the wolf on the nose and took a large mug of hot tea from the tray. Breathing in the familiar scent of mint, she clutched the cup in her hands and raised it into the air like one would a goblet at a feast, her hazel eyes alight with humour. 

‘Cheers!’ she said loudly and ‘May today be the day!’ before bringing the cup to her lips, an expression of bliss on her face. Woo walked towards the window and drew back the curtains with the help of his teeth – the sky outside was murky grey. Almendra drank up her tea and placed it back onto the tray just as Woo was leaving the room. 

In one big leap, she bounded out of bed, ran across the carpeted floor and slipped behind the screen, her long, brown hair flying in her wake. Almendra picked up a thick rope, lying in a coil on the floor, with an iron hook on one end, then wound it around a huge wheel it was fixed to on the other end, opened the window and threw the rope down. 

A second later the hook hit the ground with a clunk.”

Okay. So I’ve frequently mentioned that characters waking up is a somewhat overused opening, and whether or not it’s working here is hard to say based off just the first 250 words. Right now, the biggest thing I’m noticing (besides some wordiness which I’ll address in a minute) is a) there isn’t any hint of conflict and b) I’m not really sure what’s going on. Obviously I don’t expect everything to be explained in the first page, but there are a few things here that could be expanded on, like what Almendra is doing near the end of the excerpt. Does she always go out her window like that? Is she not allowed to leave and sneaking out her window?

As I’m not sure what the conflict is here, it could be interpreted as Almendra’s daily morning ritual, in which case I’d recommend moving the opening closer to the inciting incident.

Also, I like her wolf. :)

Okay, now the in-line edits.

“Almendra opened her eyes on the seventh chime of the clock. As I said above, I’m hesitant to recommend opening with your character waking up. It’s been done a lot, and as this doesn’t look particularly different (character wakes up, has breakfast, leaves), I think you may want to consider starting later in your story. She quickly sat up, stretched and smiled. Jjust then as the door to her bedroom door opened and in entered a large, grey wolf with a tray on his back entered. 

‘Good morning, Woo,.’ said Almendra, her face splitting into a grin. She pecked the wolf on the nose and took a large mug of hot tea from the tray. Breathing in the familiar scent of mint, she clutched the cup in her hands and raised it into the air like one would a goblet at a feast, her hazel eyes alight with humour. The bits that I’m recommending you cut are phrases and words that I feel aren’t really pulling their weight and/or read a little clunky.

‘Cheers!’ she said loudly and ‘May today be the day!’ she said loudly before bringing the cup to her lips and sighing with the first sip, an expression of bliss on her face. Or something like that. But rather than saying there’s an expression of bliss on her face, it’d be more effective to show how that bliss makes her react physically, so we can put two and two together without being told. Woo walked towards the window and drew back the curtains with the help of his teeth – the sky outside was murky grey. Almendra drank up her tea and placed it back onto the tray just as Woo was leaving left the room. Now that I’m reading this a second time, I’m more sure than ever that this opening is starting too soon. The issue is nothing has really happened, so the opening doesn’t hook you in as well as it could. The bit about her wolf is interesting, but I think it could be shown a different way that doesn’t require us seeing her morning routine. 

In one big leap, sShe bounded out of bed, ran across the carpeted floor and slipped behind the screen, her long, brown hair flying in her wake. There’s no way she did all of that in one leap unless she can fly. You may want to consider rewording. Almendra picked up a thick rope, lying in a coiled on the floor, with an iron hook on one end, then wound it around a huge wheel it was fixed to on the other end, opened the window and threw the rope down. 

A second later tThe hook hit the ground with a clunk.”

So I’m thinking overall, the biggest issue is there isn’t enough going on in the opening to really pull me in, which could be relatively easily fixed by moving the opening closer to the inciting incident. Other than that, there’s also some wordiness here, which usually indicates wordiness throughout the MS, so I recommend you take some time to go through your WIP and look specifically for places where you could condense your sentences.

I like the glimpse of the world we’ve gotten here, and I’m definitely curious about that wolf and what kind of world Almendra lives in that a wolf can bring her tea. :) This sounds like it could be an interesting story, we juts need a stronger hook to pull readers in. If I were to see this in the slush, I’d probably pass for that reason.

I hope this helps! Thanks for sharing your first 250, Farida!

Would you like to be featured in a Fixing the First Page Feature? Keep an eye out for the next giveaway!

Twitter-sized bite:

.@Ava_Jae talks starting in the right place & wordiness in the 12th Fixing the 1st Page critique. (Click to tweet)

How to Polish Your WIP Before Sending

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So you’ve traded with CPs and betas several times, completed more rounds of revision and drafts than you care to think about, and now it’s nearly time to send your MS out. Whether “out” to you means querying, submissions, or to your agent or editor, this can frequently be a nerve-wracking experience.

The final step, however, before hitting “send” on those e-mails is to do one last polish to fix minor issues that can sometimes pull readers out of the narrative or bring attention to the writing. These are some things I try to look for when I do a final polish:

• Overuse of adverbs. While I’m not a writer who believes that all adverbs are evil and need to be annihilated, too many adverbs are frequently a sign of not-as-strong-as-could-be writing. Luckily, this is a relatively easy (if not time-consuming) fix. I generally do a quick “ly” search and eliminate the unnecessary ones, adjust phrases and words to make them stronger and make sure I don’t have too many on a single page. 


• Repeated words/phrases/writer ticks. Arched eyebrows, smirking, lip-biting, runnings hands through hair and sighing are actions that my characters tend to repeat a lot. I’m not sure exactly why they’re such crutch phrases when I’m drafting (possibly because I do these things a lot myself?), but invariably my CPs find at least one of these way, way overused in my drafts—and so I do a quick search and destroy to weed some out.


• Unnecessary dialogue tags. This is a very common and easy mistake—and one I still catch myself doing frequently. If you have an action tag with dialogue, then you don’t also need a dialogue tag. For example:
  
  Meh: “What is it?” he asked, tucking her hair behind her ear.
  
  Better: “What is it?” He tucked her hair behind her ear.
  
  It’s redundant and pretty easy to spot.


• Similar character/place names. In early drafts of Red I had SO many S names. S character names, S place names, I just really liked S okay? But unfortunately it gets confusing when you have too many character or place names that sound similar or all start with the same letter, so this is something to keep an eye out for. If you’re not sure, it can sometimes help to write out all the character and place names alphabetically—it’ll become obvious very quickly if you have too many that all start with the same letter or sound similar.


• Continuity errors. This frequently happens when you revise in stages like I do. Sometimes, when you change something major (or even not major, but something that affects other things) you miss little continuity issues. Or you’re like me and forget that you killed off a character in this latest revision round, so that character is magically accidentally resurrected in the final chapter—oops. This can be a little trickier to spot on your own, especially if you’ve looked at your MS so many times, but CPs and betas are quite excellent at honing in on them. 


• Told emotions. I’ve already written a post on how to show emotion effectively, so I won’t get into the details again, but this is another very easy to catch fix. When I’m searching for told emotions, I like to do a quick search in my WIP for emotion tags: sad, scared, happy, excited, nervous, etc. Like most search and destroy methods, you don’t need to get rid of every example of told emotion, but many times there are ways to show emotion much more effectively than just naming the emotion, and that’s what you’re looking for here—opportunities to make the sentence stronger. 


• Paragraph/sentence length variety. This one can be checked with a quick visual scroll through. Pay attention to the shapes of your paragraphs and where your periods end. Try to avoid giant bricks of text and if you know you tend to overuse a particular sentence/paragraph style (i.e.: short or overly long sentences) keep an eye out to make sure you haven’t overdone it. 

So those are my go-to polishing checks—now I want to hear from you. What checks do you do when polishing your WIP?

Twitter-sized bite: 

Think you're ready to send your MS off? @Ava_Jae shares some quick checks to look for with your final polish. (Click to tweet)

Fixing the First Page Feature #10

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It's time for the tenth (!) fixing the first page critique! Woot! As always, I'll start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I'll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (I'm just one person with one opinion!), as long as it's polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be unceremoniously deleted.

Okay! Let's do this.

Title: NOTEBOOK SPAWN

Genre/Category: YA Contemporary Fantasy

First 250: 

"To be fair, when I chucked my shoe at the phone, I didn’t think I was going to hit it. It was dark, I was groggy, and my aim is questionable even when I can see. But I threw it and I hit it and the call from Gladys got rejected—oops. 

 'What are we going to do about this?' Grandpa asks. He would yell, but it’s three in the morning, and even he has his limits. 'You know the rules! We always answer the phone. Always! What if Gladys hadn’t called my cell?' 

I squirm under his baleful gaze.  'You wouldn’t know to leave.' 

'No, I wouldn’t!' He runs a hand through his thinning hair and paces the kitchen, nitpicking his thoughts before speaking again. 'I’m a doctor. One of the most experienced doctors the Guild has to offer.' 

'I know,' I say. 

'Can you guess why she called? Hm?'  

I sit up straighter. 'Because her draft is expecting a litter. I do listen, Grandpa—' 

'Then why don’t you act like it?' he demands. 'We are Babewyns, Lindsay—we exist to serve and protect. Shirking your chores? Rejecting our instructions? What does that tell me?' 

'Look, I’m sorry,' I say. 'What do you want me to do? Come with you?' 

'Absolutely not,' he scoffs. 'Go clean the litter box. Or can I trust you with even that?' 

 'Maybe not,' I mutter, throwing him a dirty look. 'But at least I know better than to trust the Babewyn Guild.'"

Okay, so first impression: I like the dialogue going back and forth here—it's snappy and fun to read. Second impression: I have no idea what's going on or where this scene is taking place.

The dialogue itself is fairly well-written, there are just a few things I'll probably tweak below. But to me, the biggest problem is what this opening is missing: context and some sort of grounding details. Naturally, readers don't need to (and definitely shouldn't) know everything in the first 250, but right now I know virtually nothing about what is happening or where this is happening.

Now the in-line notes:

"To be fair, when I chucked my shoe at the phone, I didn’t think I was going to hit it. It was dark, I was groggy, and my aim is questionable even when I can see. Cute! I like this. But I threw it and I hit it and the call from Gladys got rejected—oops. I like this too—nice voice! :) 

 'What are we going to do about this?' Grandpa asks. He would yell, but it’s three in the morning, and even he has his limits. 'You know the rules!—Wwe always answer the phone. Always! What if Gladys hadn’t called my cell?' A few things here. First, if he isn't yelling, we need to get rid of these exclamation points (because otherwise it sounds like he's yelling). Second, if they have cell phones, and they knew the call was from Gladys...couldn't they just have called back? I don't understand why this is such a big deal. People accidentally hang up on each other all the time. It takes two seconds to call back. 

I squirm under his baleful gaze.  'You wouldn’t know to leave.' 

'No, I wouldn’t!.' He runs a hand through his thinning hair and paces the kitchen, nitpicking his thoughts before speaking again. The detail about the kitchen is good, but I'd like to see a little more. Not a lot, mind you, but enough so I can picture where this scene is taking place. Just a couple sentences scattered throughout the dialogue and having the characters interact with their surroundings would do the trick. Also, I'm removing the bit about "nitpicking his thoughts" because technically our protagonist can't know what's going on in his head. 'I’m a doctor. One of the most experienced doctors the Guild has to offer.' 

'I know,' I say. This feels too "As you know, Bob," particularly given that she responds with "I know." Is there another way you can subtly slip it in without him directly stating it? It could be a quick thought she has after the next line, even. But this exchange just feels funny to me.

'Can you guess why she called? Hm?'  

I sit up straighter. 'Because her draft is expecting a litter. I do listen, Grandpa—' 

'Then why don’t you act like it?' he demands. 'We are Babewyns, Lindsay—we exist to serve and protect. Shirking your chores? Rejecting our instructions? What does that tell me?' 

'Look, I’m sorry,' I say. 'What do you want me to do? Come with you?' 

'Absolutely not,' he scoffs. 'Go clean the litter box. Or can I trust you with even that?' 

 'Maybe not,' I mutter, throwing him a dirty look. 'But at least I know better than to trust the Babewyn Guild.'" These last couple lines happen in a vacuum—that is, we don't get any sensory information and our characters don't really interact with anything. I'd buff up between the lines and gives us a little about their surroundings and have the characters interact with the setting and/or each other. 

Overall, I think this is fun and interesting and pretty well-written. With the tweaks to the dialogue and more details to ground the readers in the setting, I think this could be a strong opening. If I saw this in the slush, I would cautiously continue reading.

I hope this helps! Thanks for sharing your first 250, Heather!

Would you like to be featured in a Fixing the First Page Feature? Keep an eye out for the next giveaway! 

Twitter-sized bite: 

.@Ava_Jae talks grounding details & avoiding "As you know, Bob" dialogue in the 10th Fixing the 1st Page critique. (Click to tweet) 

Fixing the First Page Feature #9

Photo credit: Auntie P

Time for the ninth first 250 critique! As these things go, I’ll start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I’ll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (because, as I’ve said before and I’ll keep saying, I’m only one person with one opinion!), as long as it’s polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be removed.

Here we go!

Title: THE LAST ADAGIO

Genre/Category: YA Dark Fantasy

First 250:

“When I closed my eyes, I could almost forget everything around me. 

Music has a way of grabbing you by the shoulders, of playing your heartstrings and rippling shivers throughout your whole body. Of slowly levitating you away from where you are, a mere suggestion of transcendence. The notes that echoed throughout the room were like fading promises of impossible things, and you believed them and let them take you wherever they wished. 

But then the music ended. I opened my eyes, realizing everyone was as they should be, sitting quietly in their places, as if the melody had not reached deep inside and grabbed at their core. The whole room was still, frozen in anticipation. I could still hear the notes that lingered in the air… but soon they were gone, taking the eerie feeling away with them. 

There was a moment of silence. Then, as the man slowly lifted his fingers from the white keys of the piano, everyone let out a joined sigh, as if they finally had permission to breathe. A couple of hours before I could never imagine someone having that kind of power over so many people, a musician or not. Apparently neither had the others in the concert hall. But now… 

The sudden round of applause interrupted my thoughts. I stood up as so many others did and joined them gladly. Just as promised, this had been a concert I wouldn't soon forget.”  

So my initial impression is this is okay, but it’s not really grabbing me. The second paragraph (or the first full-length paragraph, however you look at it), felt to me like it was trying a little too hard. This is actually pretty common—sometimes, I think, writers get so caught up in trying to make their writing sound beautiful and insightful that it starts to read a little stiff and…prose-y. I’m not sure I’m explaining that well. Basically, when writing starts to read like writing (rather than when the reader doesn’t notice the writing), it becomes noticeable.

The other thing I noticed is there isn’t much tension or conflict here. Granted, conflict isn’t absolutely 150% necessary in the first 250, but I do tend to like to at least see some sort of hint of a problem (even if it isn’t the problem), because otherwise, unless the voice immediately grabs me, I tend to lose interest.

Now for the in-line notes!

“When I closed my eyes, I could almost forget everything around me. This, to me, is not a strong enough opening line. This sentiment of closing one’s eyes are shutting out the world is pretty commonly used, and so it doesn’t really have much impact or immediately draw my interest. 

Music has a way of grabbing you by the shoulders, of playing your heartstrings and rippling shivers throughout your whole body. Of slowly levitating you away from where you are, a mere suggestion of transcendence. This is a specific example of what I mean by sounding prose-y. The notes that echoed throughout the room were like fading promises of impossible things, and you believed them and let them take you wherever they wished. I like the bolded part and I think it’s nice, but on the first page, combined with the rest of the paragraph, it still reads like trying to sound like beautiful prose.

But then the music ended. I opened my eyes., realizing eEveryone was as they should be, sitting quietly in their places, as if the melody hadn’t not reached deep inside and grabbed at their core. Two notes: first, I removed “realizing” to get rid of the filtering in this sentence. Second, the bolded section, to me, also reads prose-y to me. The whole room was still, frozen in anticipation. I could still hear the nNotes that lingered in the air… but soon they were gone faded, taking the eerie feeling away with them. Rather than talking about the “eerie feeling” and the melody reaching inside other people, I want to get in your POV character’s head. How does this feeling make your protagonist feel physically (as opposed to theoretically, in this case)? The narrative, so far, has been pretty distant, which overarching statements about music and what it can do, but I haven’t seen much from your protagonist. I think especially in openings where not a whole lot happens, deep POV can be a great way to draw readers in, but it’s missing here. 

Also, I removed “I could still hear the” because filtering, and “they were gone” and “away” to condense a little and improve the flow of the sentence. 

There was a moment of silence. Then, as the man slowly lifted his fingers from the white piano keys of the piano, everyone let out a joined sigh, as if they finally had permission to breathe. Condensed to cut down on wordiness. A couple of hours before I could never imagine someone having that kind of power over so many people, a musician or not. Apparently neither had the others in the concert hall. But now… 

The sudden A round of applause interrupted my thoughts. I stood up as so with many others did and joined them gladly. Here, your protagonist is telling readers about how they feel, but I’m not feeling it. I want to experience what your protagonist is experiencing, but in order for readers to do that, we need to see more from the protagonist and really get in their heads. Just as promised, this had been a concert I wouldn't soon forget.”

Okay, so having read this a second time, I’m wondering if this is starting in the right place. This is a YA Dark Fantasy, so my guess is maybe something foreboding or bad happens shortly after this in the same scene. If that’s the case, this may be okay, but I’d still like to see hints of that right from the beginning, even if it’s subtle. Right now, with absolutely no tension or conflict on the first page, and a voice that isn’t really pulling me in, I would probably skim a couple pages, but would be leaning toward a pass.

I think this could be really great and I like the idea of starting with a concert gone wrong (assuming it does go wrong), but I think it’s important for us to get more deeply into your protagonist’s POV, so that we can really experience what the protagonist is experiencing and readers will hopefully be more drawn in from the start because of it.

I hope this helps! Thanks for sharing your first 250, Diana!

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Twitter-sized bites:

.@Ava_Jae talks the importance of deep POV in the 9th Fixing the First Page critique. (Click to tweet)

Fixing the First Page Feature #7

Photo credit: Tostito Verde on Flickr

All right! So as these things go, I’m going to start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I’ll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. As per usual, I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (because, as I will continue to say, I’m only one person with one opinion!), as long as it’s polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be deleted.

Here we go!

Title: CLAN FEIDHELM (working title)  

Genre/Category: NA Fantasy 

First 250: 

“Caera barely managed to duck in time. Had she hesitated for even a split second, the spear’s iron tip would have sliced open her face from cheek to ear.

She jabbed her own spear at her opponent, but Danu was ready for it. She caught Caera’s strike on her shield and knocked it aside. Caera backpedaled. Always move to the right, she reminded herself. That movement will give you the natural advantage nine times out of ten. She circled in that direction, wary. Danu did the same, her eyes narrowed in a predatory stare.

Caera swallowed and shifted her double-handed grip on her weapon. She feinted left but before she could spin away, Danu kicked her in the knee. An involuntary gasp escaped Caera’s lips as her knee twisted at an awkward angle, sending a sharp shot of pain up her leg as it crumpled beneath her.

Before she could regain her footing, Danu lowered her shield and slammed it against Caera’s shoulder, sending her sprawling into the tight-packed dirt. She lost her grip on her spear as her back slammed against the ground, knocking the breath from her body. Then Danu’s foot was on her chest, pinning her down. Her spearhead pricked the exposed skin of Caera’s throat.

‘Dead yet again,’ Danu said. ‘That’s what, the fourth time today I would’ve killed you?’ She pulled back her spear and grinned.

‘Third,’ Caera corrected. She sat up and smiled wryly at her cousin. ‘Only the third, thank you very much.’”

Cute! Okay, so overall I think this is a fun start. I don’t see anything glaringly obvious that would make me immediately put this down (yay!), though my main caution with openings like this that start in medias res is to make sure that start to care about your protagonist quickly or the danger (real or not) won’t matter to the readers. How you do that is up to you (and might take more than a page to establish, which is okay).

Now the redline critique:

“Caera barely managed to duck in time. Had she hesitated for even a split second, the spear’s iron tip would have sliced open her face from cheek to ear. This isn’t a bad opening, but it’s a little wordy. I’d condense to: “Had Caera hesitated for even a second, the spear’s iron tip would’ve sliced open her face from cheek to ear.” 

She jabbed her own spear at her opponent, but Danu was ready for it. She caught Caera’s strike on her shield, and knocked knocking it aside. Caera backpedaled. Always move to the right, she reminded herself. That movement will It’ll give you the natural advantage nine times out of ten. She circled in that direction right, wary. Danu did the same, her eyes narrowed in a predatory stare.

Caera swallowed and shifted her double-handed grip on her weapon. She feinted left but before she could spin away, Danu kicked her in the knee. An involuntary gasp escaped Caera’s lips Caera gasped as her knee twisted at an awkwardly. angle, sending a sharp shot of Sharp pain shot up her leg as it crumpled beneath her.

Before she could regain her footing, Danu lowered her shield and slammed it her shield against Caera’s shoulder, sending her sprawling into the tight-packed dirt. She lost her grip on dropped her spear as her back slammed against the ground, knocking the breath from her body. Then Danu’s foot was on her chest, pinning her down. Her spearhead pricked the exposed skin of Caera’s throat.

‘Dead yet again,’ Danu said. ‘That’s what, the fourth time today I would’ve killed you?’ (First super nitpicky comment: this “I’ve killed you x-times today” thing is used a lot. I’m not saying you shouldn’t use it (in fact, I’ve used it) but it’s good to be aware that it’s relatively common. You may want to consider using a different line of dialogue, or maybe not. Up to you, but it’s good to think about.) She pulled back her spear and grinned.

‘Third,’ Caera corrected. She sat up and smiled wryly at her cousin. (Second super nitpicky comment: Caera just got her knee twisted pretty badly, which sounded like a serious injury. If it’s not a serious injury, then okay, but in my experience, twisting your knee, even if it’s not super bad, hurts for a while, so I’m not totally convinced on how smiley she’d be right now.) ‘Only the third, thank you very much.’”

So, right, you’ll notice that I only have two in-line comments because overall, I think this was done pretty well. The biggest thing I noticed, which I suspect is going to be a manuscript-wide issue, is there’s a lot of wordiness. This, like my comments, is a nitpicky observation, but I recommend you go through your manuscript and try to condense wherever you can, using one powerful word instead of three, if that makes sense.

That being said, if I saw this in the slush, I’d keep reading. I’m curious, and wordiness isn’t enough to totally set me off from a submission if the story is interesting. :)

Very nice job! Thanks for sharing your first 250, Meghan!

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Twitter-sized bite: 

.@Ava_Jae talks wordiness and condensing your writing in the 7th Fixing the First Page crit. (Click to tweet)