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So I’m going to borrow from the brilliant Nathan Bransford on the format of these critiques, by first posting the full 250 excerpt, then sharing my thoughts, then sharing my redline critique. If you’d like to share your own critique, I totally encourage that, just make sure it’s polite, thoughtful and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be deleted.
Here we go!
Title: BONEWOOD
Genre/Category: Dark YA High Fantasy
First 250:
A clan of stubborn bastards lives inside the Bonewood. Their stupidity is fortified by the river that forks around their island. They’ve lived there for six hundred years, and they’ll live there for six hundred more.
At least, that’s what Da told me when we first came to town nine years ago. Then he fell head over heart for a mousey-faced schoolteacher and suddenly we were those stubborn, stupid bastards too.
It’s a beautiful little town if you don't stay too long. Quaint and quiet, like something in a painting, with its windmill and thatched roofs and fields.
If you came by boat you’d probably be from Abandir, and the tiny little village would seem so peaceful after the war you just fought. You’d spend the day in town shopping and walking and talking and then you’d get back on your boat and sail out of the forest before finding a town with an inn, because Twopoint doesn’t have an inn and there are no other towns in the Bonewood. You’d think it’s because we’re so small, so quaint and the forest is too big, too wild.
That’s not why we don't have an inn.
If you came by land you’d never get here. It’s a two-day ride in any direction to the nearest town so you’d never make it to Twopoint and its cute windmill before nightfall. And the moment night fell, the Nightmares would eat you.
That’s why we don’t have an inn.
Okay! So Emmy mentioned to me that this is actually the entire first chapter, and it is expository, but she’s torn because it sets up her protagonist’s voice really well. I agree that it definitely has a wonderful voice (great job, Emmy!) however, I would actually cut this entirely.
This little snippet reads as a prologue to me, and because it is all exposition, I honestly think it would be much more effective to spread this information and backstory out gradually throughout the first part of the manuscript, rather than telling us all at once in a mini first chapter.
To me, the issue is nothing is happening. This is a nice little aside about the setting, and it is nice, but we don’t really know who the protagonist is or what (s)he is doing or anything beyond that (s)he has a father and they came to town nine years ago.
This is purely subjective, but I am, and always will be partial to openings that are in medias res (aka: start in the middle of something happening). To me, those kinds of openings are much more attention-grabbing and also show us a lot more about the protagonist through showing rather than telling.
So while I agree the voice is great here, I suspect the same voice is evident throughout the manuscript, and therefore this information would be better conveyed in snippets rather than all at once before the action.
Now for the in-line edits:
A clan of stubborn bastards lives inside the Bonewood. This is a great example of how to show voice in the very first sentence, and I love it. Their stupidity is fortified by the river that forks around their island. They’ve lived there for six hundred years, and they’ll live there for six hundred more.
At least, that’s what Da told me when we first came to town nine years ago. Then he fell head over heart for a mousey-faced schoolteacher and suddenly we were those stubborn, stupid bastards too. Love this! Again, the voice is brilliant. From “mousey-faced schoolteacher” to the “stubborn, stupid bastards” I am totally digging the protagonist’s voice.
It’s a beautiful little town if you don't stay too long. Quaint and quiet, like something in a painting, with its windmill and thatched roofs and fields. Great imagery.
If you came by boat you’d probably be from Abandir, and the tiny little village would seem so peaceful after the war you just fought. You’d spend the day in town shopping and walking and talking and then you’d get back on your boat and sail out of the forest before finding a town with an inn, because Twopoint doesn’t have an inn and there are no other towns in the Bonewood. You’d think it’s because we’re so small, so quaint and the forest is too big, too wild. I’m not sure how I feel about the second person shift here. It stuck out to me a little and I didn’t really connect with it, but others might feel differently.
That’s not why we don't have an inn.While I understand wanting to mirror this line with the last line, this felt unnecessary to me. I found myself thinking, okay, but I don’t need to know what ISN’T a reason the inn isn’t there.
If you came by land you’d never get here. It’s a two-day ride in any direction to the nearest town so you’d never make it to Twopoint and its cute windmill before nightfall. And the moment night fell, the Nightmares would eat you. This is excellent. I love the foreboding end to the chapter and this little tidbit intrigues me.
That’s why we don’t have an inn.
Overall, the writing is solid. There’s great imagery and voice and I can tell straight off the bat this is a strong writer. If I saw this in slush, I’d most likely keep reading, but recommend that this prologue was lopped off and the information was incorporated into the rest of the manuscript, like I said above.
Thanks for sharing your first 250, Emmy!
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Twitter-sized bite:
Writer @Ava_Jae talks exposition in openings in the first Fixing the First Page critique. (Click to tweet)
2 comments:
I like the voice and a lot of the introductory information, but it reminds me less of a first chapter and more of the thing that comes to glue the first (ish) scene to the second (ish) scene. And what I mean by that goes with a structure where "something happens," then, "two characters talk about it," and then "someone mentions the Bonewood," so then you give this particular section to get the audience up to speed.
I mean, it probably be all cut out, but I kind of like the way it all goes together--I just think it's better suited to explanation rather than exposition... If that makes sense.
I think I understand what you mean. Possibly. I agree that the information could be better shared through other means (like, the way you suggested, through dialogue as an example). Explanation rather than exposition.
Thanks, Heather!
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