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| Photo credit: 401(K) 2012 on Flickr |
You can thank me when you're swimming in a pool full of Benjamins made completely out of your royalties.
10 Secrets to Traditional Publication*:
- Send out query letters immediately after finishing your first draft. Everyone knows first drafts are the essence of brilliance and must not be tampered with or else risk diminishing its sheer genius. Send out those query letters ASAP!
- Write a query letter like this. You'll have agents fighting each other and begging to represent you by the end of the week.
- Only write about vampires. Everyone knows that every other genre is dead and barely worth mentioning. Don’t waste your time writing about anything else.
- Don't show anyone your work before sending out query letters. The last thing you want is for someone to steal your idea and make millions. Millions that you deserved.
- Beta readers and critique partners are overrated. When I say don't show anyone your work, I mean anyone (except maybe your mother)—the risk is simply too high, and chances are they won’t understand your ingenuity anyway. Besides, you don't really need critique partners anyway; you're a genius.
- Spend lots of time in coffee shops telling everyone about your brilliant book that's going to be published and become an instant classic and sell bajillions. Use words like "fiction novel" so that everyone knows you're serious.
- Don't read a single book on writing craft. The ingenuity of your style is something you're born with; you don't need to read writing books to improve your writing because your writing is already the essence of perfection.
- In fact, don't read anything. No other book can even compare to the incredible novel that you've written.
- Call highly successful writers like Stephen King and J. K. Rowling to let them know that their run on the New York Times bestseller list has been fun, but there's a new writer in town. It's only fair that you give them the heads up.
- Do all of the above before writing a single word. The genius is inside you. You better let people know early on that there's an incredible masterpiece on the way that's going to change the face of publishing.
That about covers it. If you follow those 10
easy steps you will be well on your way to becoming the next great writer. You
better start emptying your pool—you're going to need the room for the extra
cash you'll have lying around.
*= Yay for sarcasm! Please don't do any of these things, ok? It won't make you rich and famous. Nowhere near.
Now it's your turn to share your wisdom. What incredible tips would you add to the list?
*= Yay for sarcasm! Please don't do any of these things, ok? It won't make you rich and famous. Nowhere near.
Now it's your turn to share your wisdom. What incredible tips would you add to the list?
22 comments:
Ha, these always make me laugh. You know what's even better than a 'fiction novel'? A 'fictional novel' that way you're being clear that it doesn't really exist :)
Ha! Love it! Thank you for that absolutely fantastic addition. :D
I have an amazing (sarcastic) tip! Send out your autographs beforehand. Then they'll be worth bajillions by the time you're famous. Make sure the whole world knows about you, and then attack famous authors like J.K. Rowling. Tell them that their book is hideous and badly-written compared to yours. Make sure to attack any book rising on Bestsellers list. I mean, your spot at the top is precious any you can't have anybody threatening that. Also, send out a hundred strongly-worded letters to each of the publishers who rejected you. You want to make sure they get your letter to know that they just rejected a royal masterpiece. Well, those were more like five or six tips because I love these "How (Not) To" blogposts. Thank you for these posts, Ava!
How about: write ONLY when you feel inspired.
Don't forget to send out a Query I have a great idea for a best seller you and I are gonna be rich. Before you write a word. Sarcasm, just one of my many talents. ROFLOL well, back to work for me and the search for another editor. ;) Thank you, made me smile.
In fact, don't talk to anyone about any facet of your book, lest they steal your brilliant ideas for themselves. You're the first one who thought of writing another Harry Dresden and no one's gonna get the better of you!
I think that gets filed under "How To (Never) Finish Anything, Much Less Get Published"
Yes! I mean, no one actually writes every day or on a schedule or anything. That's for crazy people only interested in writing fluff.
Ha! So true!
So glad you enjoyed the post, Kitty! I think your suggestion fits under the query letter post, but very true, nonetheless. :)
Just to make sure, you probably shouldn't even think about your book. You never know when you'll encounter a telepath who will steal the idea right from your mind.
These posts are my absolute favorite xD
Thank you so much! They're my favorite, as well. :D
LOL at 3, 8, and 9! It was all very amusing, but those stood out for me ;) I've seen a few trad. published authors, even, claim they're the next "Rowling" or "King." No...no, you're not. You are you. Either you succeed at it (maybe overwhelmingly) or you don't, but you can't replace the success of another author. And they probably won't give a hoot either way.
That's a great one ;) Forget putting sample chapters online, what if there's a typo?!
In fact, don't even bother to write it at all! Haha I loved these "tips," and I hope nobody actually pays attention to them...maybe you could write a "How-Not-To-Write" book (but of course, make sure to include vampires somewhere).
Thank you, Margaret! ^_^
To be honest, I don't fully understand why you'd want to replace the success of another author. The nice thing about the publishing marketplace is that a reader can love more than one author--it's not a matter of reading King OR Rowling OR Green (etc.), but reading King AND Rowling AND Green AND anyone else that suits their fancy. As we already know, there's plenty of room for many successes.
Maybe one day I'll incorporate these How (Not) to posts into a book (and naturally vampires would have to be included, otherwise I'd totally be wasting my time).
So glad you enjoyed the post, Emily! I hope quite sincerely that no one thinks it's a serious post...I do include the disclaimer just in case. :)
Spot on! I agree with the reading bit. Writers are all readers long before he or she writes a story. By the way, do you have any tips on writing short stories? I would like to hear your take on that.
Thank you! I wrote a brief post on deciding if an idea what a short story idea or novel idea, but that's about it. I'd write more about it, except I don't really write many short stories. If/when I start writing short stories again, I'll definitely blog about it. :)
Hilarious! I love this snark so much. Alas, we can't all be E.L. James! ;-)
There are a few people I'd love to send this to -- but they wouldn't think it was funny, I'm afraid.
Thanks for the feedback, Renee! So glad you enjoyed the post! ^_^
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