How (Not) to Become the Next Kindle Bazillionaire

Photo credit: Nathan Congleton on Flickr

It’s no secret that we’re living in an age of opportunity for writers—an era where writers can trek out into the e-publishing landscape on their own and, with enough hard work, patience, and a bit of luck, can eventually make a living doing so. More writers upload their books to Amazon and Smashwords every day and success stories of all magnitudes remind us that there’s more than one path to publishing prowess.

And because every writer dreams of hoards of screaming fans chanting their name as they enter the room while money falls from the clouds and rains down upon them (or something like that), I’m sure you’re now wondering what you need to do to achieve the legendary status of Kindle Bazillionaire. So here’s how to get your personal mob of rabid fans dying to get their hands on your next book.

How to Become the Next Kindle Bazillionaire*

Photo credit: My genius work (obviously)

1. Create your cover on Paint. Tell me, who can resist a genius cover like the AMAZING KEWL FICTION NOVEL over there? (Seriously, tell me who. I’ll hunt them down for you).** 


2. Publish the moment you finish your first draft. Everyone knows that the first draft is pure gold that must not be altered under any conditions, or else you risk losing the magic of your masterpiece. And no one wants to lose the magic of the masterpiece, so go celebrate completing your first draft by hitting the publish button. As a bonus, think of all the money you’ll save from not hiring an editor!


3. Don’t bother with formatting. Formatting takes forever and every moment you waste not publishing your masterpiece first draft is a moment that a reader isn’t buying your book. And it’s not like anyone really cares if your book looks like it was pasted together at random intervals with a bunch of seemingly unrelated symbols and funky spacing issues.


4. Avoid giveaways like the plague. I mean really, the audacity some people have. Give away your work for free? Who would do such a thing?


5. Price your book at $100 a copy. The logic for this is obvious. You will have to sell considerably fewer copies at $100 a copy to reach a bazillion dollars than you would if your book was priced at $2.99 or (God forbid) $0.99.


6. Tell everyone on Twitter about your work. Twitter accounts are useless unless you tweet about your book at least once an hour. Anything less just tells your followers that you’re not committed to selling your book.


7. Only publish one book. The last thing you want is to spread yourself thin by dividing your attention up between many different books. Write a masterpiece and sell nothing else. Besides, you’ll be making so much money you won’t need to write a second book, anyway.


8. E-mail publishers and agents to let them know about your success. The e-mail should go something along the lines of, “IM A KINDLE BAZILLIONAIRE NOW NO THANKS TO YOU SO HA. HAVE FUN DROWNING WIT THE REST OF THE PRINT INDUSTRY LOOOZER.” You know, something classy.


9. Bash others in your genre. You’re a genius—a prodigy and everyone else writing in your genre doesn’t know what they’re doing. Make sure everyone else knows that, too, so they only buy your books.


10. Answer poor reviews with a flaming letter of rage. I mean, you’re not going to get bad reviews, but on the off chance you do, make sure you scare anyone else off from repeating the mean reviewer’s mistake.

And that’s it! With those ten easy steps you’ll be well on your way to fortunes raining down from the heavens. Go to Malibu and celebrate. Or go buy Malibu. Whatever works.

*= Why yes, this is another sarcastic post! Please, please, please, please, DO NOT do these things, ok? Promise?

**=No I won’t.

Now it’s your turn! What fabulous tips would you add to the list?