Fixing the First Page Feature #33

Photo credit: mynameisgeebs on Flickr

Somehow, March is nearly over and it's time for the next Fixing the First Page critique—woohoo!

As usual, I'll start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I'll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (because I'm one person with one opinion!), as long as it's polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be unceremoniously deleted.

Let's do this!

Title: MECHANICAL

Genre/Category: YA Dystopia

First 250 words:

"I took deep breaths, trying to calm my racing heart. 

You can do it. You have to do it.

One more breath, two, three… 

It was early morning, but I still glanced around to make sure the street was empty. Not that many people lived in the area either way. I was surprised when I was informed I had to wait on that spot. In any case, the roof of an abandoned two-story building was the perfect hiding place. 

The air was calm and cool, oblivious to my state of mind. I was glad no one would ever notice this moment of weakness. I wasn’t afraid of a technical failure, but of an emotional one. Failing though was something I never allowed to myself. 

A man appeared in the corner of the street, starting me out of my thoughts. I studied him carefully. Around 40, tall and thin with a receding brown hairline. The description fitted. For the last hour, I had half wished he wouldn’t appear, almost hoped he would choose another street or time. But that was not my lucky day and definitely not his. 

He looked around him once or twice, but other than that, he looked certain no one was watching him.

No one but me. I tried to swallow my fear and resisted the urge to close my eyes.

Just do it already. 

One more breath. And I pulled the trigger of my rifle. 

Less than a second later, the man was lying motionless on the pavement."

Okay, so! I'm pretty partial to in medias res openings myself, because I like jumping right into the story. But the danger with these kind of openings is if you move too quickly and don't provide enough introspection and explanation, so they can sometimes be confusing and readers may find it difficult to connect with the protagonist. Which is what I'm seeing here.

As a reader, I have a lot of questions right away: why does she have to kill that guy? Does she do this often (is she an assassin)? What was he doing that he didn't want to be seen? What was she afraid of? You don't necessarily need to immediately answer all of the questions, but you definitely need to answer the most important one of why. Why is it so important that she kill this guy? Why does she have to? Without knowing the stakes, as a reader I don't really care if she succeeds or not, because I don't yet know why it matters. And because she's killing someone, it also makes it a little more difficult for me to connect with her, because from a reader perspective right now it just seems like she killed someone in cold blood.

Okay, so, with that said, let's take a look at the line edits:

"I took deep breaths, trying to calm my racing heart. 

You can do it. You have to do it.

One more breath, two, three… 

It was early morning, but I still glanced around to make sure the street was empty. Not that many people lived in the area either way. I was surprised when I was informed I had to wait on that spot. A few things about this sentence: first, this would be a good place to give us more information—when who told her to wait there? And why was she surprised? What's different about this particular case? In any case, the roof of an abandoned two-story building was the perfect hiding place. 

The air was calm and cool, oblivious to my state of mind. As a reader, right now I'm also oblivious to her state of mind. :) Which is to say, this would be a good spot to give us a glimpse! What is she feeling right now? It'd be good to show those emotions before she comments on her weakness, because otherwise we're not really seeing much of anything that could qualify as "weakness." I was glad no one would ever notice this moment of weakness. I wasn’t afraid of a technical failure, but of an emotional one. What would qualify as an "emotional failure"? And what are the consequences if she has one? We need to know the stakes to really understand why this matters to her—and why it should matter to us. Failing though was something I never allowed to myself to fail. 

A man appeared in the corner of the street, starting me out of my thoughts. I studied him carefully. Around 40 forty, tall and thin with a receding brown hairline. The description fitted. For the last hour, I'd had half wished he wouldn’t appear, almost hoped he'd would choose another street or time. Why does she wish that? If she has to do this, why would she want him not to show? But that it wasn't not my lucky day and definitely wasn't not his. 

He looked around him once or twice, probably making sure certain no one was watching him. A couple reasons for this adjustment: firstly, I'm trying to make her sound more like a teen (sure versus certain, for example). Secondly this is her perspective, so I'm clarifying that this is what she thinks he's thinking. And third, rather than telling you to try to describe what "sure no one is looking" looks like, I think it's easier (and more effective) to adjust the sentiment a bit and say he's looking around for this reason rather than he looks like he's sure no one is looking. But if you prefer the latter, feel free—just describe what that looks like, rather than stating that's how he looks. 

No one but me. I tried to swallow my fear and resisted the urge to close my eyes. Okay, so rather than stating she's scared, it'd be much more effective to describe how that fear physically affects her and show it reflected in her thoughts. I wrote a post a while back on writing emotion effectively that you might find helpful with this. 

Just do it already. 

One more breath. And I pulled the trigger of my rifle. 

Less than a second later, the man was laying motionless on the pavement."

So there we have it! I think basically what this opening needs is more filling in, from clarifying the stakes, to a bit more explanation as to why she's there, to more time to really sink into her mind and see what she's feeling on the page. Interesting start overall, with room to flourish. If I saw this in the slush though, I'd probably pass because it still seems to need some work before it's ready for submission.

I hope that helps! Thanks for sharing your first 250 with us, Eleni!

Twitter-sized bite:

.@Ava_Jae talks stakes, showing emotion, and more in the 33rd Fixing the First Page Feature. (Click to tweet)