Fixing the First Page Feature #17

Photo credit: Victor Bezrukov on Flickr

NaNoWriMo is almost over, Thanksgiving is tomorrow, December is nearly here, and the next Fixing the First Page critique has arrived! Yay!

As per always, I'll start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I'll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (I'm just one person with one opinion!), as long as it's polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be unceremoniously deleted.

Let's do this.

Title: WICKED ME

Genre: New Adult Contemporary Romance

First 250: 

"Sam 

Deliver to abandoned warehouse 

4 miles E of city

5 pm sharp

Bring shovel. 

It was the last line of Hill’s text that had made sweat drip down to my balls, not the roasting D.C. heat made worse by concrete and rush hour car exhaust. My Chevy Impala had barely crawled forward six inches in the last ten minutes. A glance at the dashboard clock showed 4:53.

Yeah, I wasn’t going to make it. 

But none of that mattered as much as his weird request. Why the hell would he need a shovel? Unless the shovel wasn’t meant for him, but for me to dig my own grave. But I already did that when I was 'recruited' to work for him. 

Recruited, blackmailed—same difference. 

The light several cars ahead turned green, and I thought that maybe, just maybe, I might be able to creep along a whole seven inches this time. 

4:54. 

Shit. I cranked the dial on the radio, the speakers blaring a before-my-time Metallica song, and glanced in the rearview mirror. A crowbar and Hill’s small, brown paper-wrapped package sat on the backseat in plain sight. A crowbar, not a shovel, because my day job didn’t have one. 

The car ahead pulled forward, and as I touched the gas, a perky ass to my right made me do a double-take. It stuck up in the air like some kind of supernaturally rounded homing beacon. The woman the ass belonged to stood in the middle of a crowded sidewalk with three bags of luggage surrounding her."

So! First and foremost, this excerpt really has the guy NA voice nailed, which I noticed pretty much right away, so fantastic work! I really like where we're starting here—we've got the protagonist with a goal (do what the text says), immediate conflict (he's stuck in rush hour traffic and going to be late) and some mystery—who is Hill? How was he blackmailed? What is this job? I have a lot of well-placed questions which definitely makes me want to keep reading.

Let's take a look at the (I suspect, minimal) line-edits:

"Sam 

Deliver to abandoned warehouse 

4 miles E of city Just in terms of logistics here, this is super vague as far as directions go. How would Sam know which warehouse to take it to? Or where to even begin looking (I mean, "four miles east" could be a lot of places. Has Sam been there before? This may be something you're going to answer later, but as far as the opening goes, it's unclear to me how he would know where he was going without a street address.

5 pm sharp

Bring shovel. 

It was the last line of Hill’s text that ha'd made sweat drip down to my balls (Awesome voice), not the roasting D.C. heat made worse by concrete and rush hour car exhaust. Do you mean asphalt? Concrete doesn't really reflect heat back up—but asphalt does. My Chevy Impala had barely crawled forward six inches in the last ten minutes. A glance at the dashboard clock showed 4:53.

Yeah, I wasn’t going to make it. Really like the placement and voice here too. 

But none of that mattered as much as his weird request. Why the hell would he need a shovel? Unless the shovel wasn’t meant for him, but for me to dig my own grave. I don't necessarily need to know right this second, but I'm not sure if the grave comment is serious or a joke, which makes it harder for me to judge how serious this, er, job is. But I already did that when I was 'recruited' to work for him. 

Recruited, blackmailed—same difference. Love this line, too. And extra points for more voice.

The light several cars ahead turned green,. and I thought that mMaybe, just maybe, I might be able to creep along a whole seven inches this time. Adjusted to remove filtering of "I thought."

4:54. 

Shit. I cranked the dial on the radio, the speakers blaring a before-my-time Metallica song, and glanced in the rearview mirror. A crowbar and Hill’s small, brown paper-wrapped package sat on the backseat in plain sight. A crowbar, not a shovel, because my day job didn’t have one. More great voice! And nice clarification. A+ for voice.

The car ahead pulled forward, and as I touched the gas, a perky ass to my right made me do a double-take. It stuck up in the air like some kind of supernaturally rounded homing beacon. *snicker* The woman the ass belonged to stood in the middle of a crowded sidewalk with three bags of luggage surrounding her."

Okay, so as I suspected, really minor line edits—and really, what I found was mostly polishing and/or nit-picky stuff. This is a really strong opening, definitely fits the NA vibe and if I saw this in the slush, I'd absolutely keep reading. In fact, in a Fixing the First Page crit first, I loved this sample so much I showed my boss, Stephen Morgan, who is an editor at Entangled Publishing and we'd love to see if the submission is right for us. So consider this a request from Stephen to submit to Entangled Embrace, if you would like to. :) Overall, fantastic job!

Thanks for sharing your first 250 with us, Lindsey!

Would you like to be featured in a Fixing the First Page Feature? Keep an eye out for the last first 250 crit giveaway of 2015 next month!

Twitter-sized bite:

.@Ava_Jae talks NA voice, strong openings, and polishing in the 17th Fixing the First Page critique. (Click to tweet)