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| Photo credit: Goodreads |
Welp, it’s another day of everyone telling me I need to read something, and I say I will, and then I don’t forever, and then I finally do, and everyone was right. So.
I finally read The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer by Michelle Hodkin, you guys, and you haven’t read it, you should probably do so.
Here’s the Goodreads summary:
“Mara Dyer believes life can't get any stranger than waking up in a hospital with no memory of how she got there.
It can.
She believes there must be more to the accident she can't remember that killed her friends and left her strangely unharmed.
There is.
She doesn't believe that after everything she's been through, she can fall in love.
She's wrong.”
I actually don’t think the summary does it justice, to be honest, because while there is romance (and Noah is a fantastic book boyfriend), that isn’t what did it for me with this book.
I’ve mentioned before that I’m a total sucker for unreliable narrators—Unbecoming absolutely takes full advantage of Mara’s extremely unreliable narration (and I’m not spoiling anything to say so). I was quoting Mockingjay’s “real or not real?” throughout the book, there are twists galore, and the paranormal/supernatural aspect was so perfectly creepy. And I was totally impressed with all of that, and then I reached the end, and now I seriously need the sequels, which I will be buying together. And as an added bonus, I appreciated the incidental diversity integrated into the cast.
My one peeve was more of a writing quirk than anything else: there are a ton of filter phrases, which honestly is something I see all over the place, but I noticed it more than usual for some reason while reading Unbecoming. That said, it in no way ruined the reading experience for me, and it’s a super minor flaw that most people probably won’t even notice. So.
Unbecoming is twisty, eerie, unintentionally takes advantage of my fear of swamps, and I absolutely enjoyed it. Definitely recommended for those of you who like creepy book with trippy plots that leave you wondering what the hell just happened.
Have you read this fabulous book?
Twitter-sized bites:
.@Ava_Jae gives 4.5/5 stars to THE UNBECOMING OF MARA DYER by @MichelleHodkin. Have you read this creepy YA Para? (Click to tweet)
Looking for a twisty & eerie YA read? Check out THE UNBECOMING OF MARA DYER by Michelle Hodkin. (Click to tweet)
264 comments:
«Oldest ‹Older 201 – 264 of 264Wow! Thanks, C.M.! That's a great example. And you're close... they pretend to be friends, romantic entanglement ensues, blah blah blah. The stakes aren't as grand as some other books but I'm still having a hard time narrowing it down to 140 characters. I'll keep pluggin'. :)
I think that the second pitch has more tension!
I agree, you can take out the genderswapped words and save precious characters. Also the ending bit is a little vague and so I feel like it looses tension--why is it important that she doesnt know the ghost is fake?
Of the three I think I prefer the 2nd, it seems the most foreboding. I feel as though the end of number 3 is vague.
Hi Ruthie!
So wow. This sounds intense.
So here are a few thoughts I have:
1) Would it make sense to say what specific Native American nation she's a part of? As I understand it, they're very very different, and the added detail could be really interesting.
2) What is her shot at redemption, specifically? This is pretty vague as is, which is a problem because it glosses over what your protagonist's goal is. What, exactly does your MC want to do to redeem herself? Once you answer that, you can then connect it to...
3) How does her shot at redemption threaten her new fame as a gospel singer?
I think with those tweaks, you should be able to tie everything together. I hope this helps! Good luck!
Hi Melissa! I'm happy to help. :)
I'm going to comment on your last one, because it looks like that was added after comments? Or maybe not, but I'm going to go with that one anyway because it's the strongest starting point, IMO.
So the reason I think this works best to start with is because we're starting to get at why her Dad being back means she can't have friends (something that was unclear in the first three pitches, as John and Korbibtor mentioned). I still think, however, this could use some clarifying—why is he a friend-repellant?
I also think the stakes still need some clarifying, as well as your protagonist's goal. What is it that your protag is trying to achieve? Is it to make friends? Be popular? Hide her dad from the world?
Once you make that clearer, we can get into the stakes: what will happen if your protagonist DOESN'T achieve her goal? What does she have to lose? Right now it looks like you're starting to touch on this, but it still needs a little digging to really get to the heart of the matter.
I hope this helps! Good luck!
Thanks John for that idea. I leveraged it into the first pitch below.
1) In this upside down #SFF tale 2 familiar gods of good&evil frm parallel cosmos struggle over freewill. Now battle has moved 2 Earth #PitMad
I like it but it doesn't clearly ID the MC, although one could naturally imply that the good god is the MC. Anyway, I created a second pitch from ZoeR's earlier comment that creates a good analogy of the struggle and how the story has been turned around.
2) In this upside down David & Goliath #SFF tale, Heaven is under siege as a secular Yahweh struggles to defeat a pious Lucifer #PitMad
Thanks Guys!!!!!
Hi Kay,
So each of your pitches raises different questions for me. I'm going to list them and suggest you make sure when you revise that all of the relevant questions are answered:
1) Why is her vow of pacifism important? It seems like a pretty obvious choice to me—someone tried to kill her and apparently her city (and thus, she) is in danger, so I feel like a vow of pacifism would be moot. Therefore, I'm not seeing the conflict here.
2) "So much for sneaking in"...where? This line confuses me because I have no idea what you're talking about (where was she sneaking to?).
3) Why is it up to HER to end her uncle's reign? And related, what will happen if she doesn't?
4) If Elana had an assassin, wasn't her undercover identity blown? And who is "they"? Is it the rebels? Why is it so important that they trust her? (And if she's undercover as a rebel, then SHOULD they trust her?).
What's getting lost here is your protagonist's goal (is it to kill her uncle? Why? To gain trust from the rebels? Why?) and the stakes (which are alluded to in your last pitch, but it's very vague in the first (as "save her city" is really general) and not clear in the second).
On a minor note, make sure you check your spelling. You want "self-defense" and "rebels' magic" (assuming you mean more than one rebel, which I think you do).
I hope this helps! I think your story sounds really cool (and it's NA Spec Fic! Awesome!) and I wish you all the best!
I like the second one only because there are more plot details, which look like a lot of fun. However, for both I would like to see more of the stakes. Is it bad if magic is destroyed and, in particular, why is this bad for Jona? What does she have to lose? I would remove "Fantasy, adventure, love," since those are vague notions that a lot of stories have. Even in a Twitter pitch you want to show specific details that make your story unique. Your story sounds fun, though - good luck!
Hi Sami,
So to be honest, I'm finding your comps really confusing. I have no idea how to reconcile Legally Blonde and Game of Thrones (what does that even mean?) and then it's a paranormal, too? I feel like you're throwing too many completely different elements, and it's just not mashing in my head. I'd skip the comps in this case and get right to the story.
Because of this, I'd scrap your first and third pitch, as the comps take up too much room for you to really show us your story (and the last one in particular is too vague, in my opinion).
I'm going to focus on your second pitch. As a rule, I advise against using rhetorical questions—agents tend not to like them and they often aren't very strong in pitches.
What I'm missing here are details. Who has captured Stella? What is her sought-after rare form (I think you need to tell us, otherwise it means very little to us)? HOW can she be used as a weapon for doom? What exactly is she capable of? I also don't think you need the ancestors bit, so removing that should give you more room to play around with.
When revising, make sure you answer these three questions:
1) What is Stella's goal?
2) What's standing between Stella and her goal?
3) What will happen if Stella fails to achieve her goal? What does she have to lose? (These are your stakes).
I think if you clarify those questions and especially make sure you answer the last three I mentioned, readers will have a much better idea of what your book is about.
I hope this helps! Good luck!
Hi Erin!
I definitely agree with Chris about removing the "Fantasy, adventure, love" bit. As he said, they're vague ideas that don't tell us very much about your story (and many stories have it). What you want to go for are details that are specific to your story and your story alone. I also think, as a rule, you can skip titles in pitches—a cool title is nice, but it's not going to get you a request: a great premise will.
In both of your pitches, however, we're missing the three key elements. When revising, make sure you answer:
1) What is Jona's goal?
2) What is standing between Jona and her goal?
3) What will happen if Jona DOESN'T achieve her goal? What does she have to lose? (These are your stakes.)
If you revise to answer those questions, I think you'll have a much stronger pitch. I hope this helps! Good luck!
I used to not mind it? But I've been noticing it more and more lately. Usually I ignore it no problem, but occasionally if I notice A LOT of them, well, I notice. So I docked half a star in this case, but again, totally didn't ruin the reading or anything. :)
Thanks, Ava, I'll try to make it more clear, there just aren't enough characters to say she's ashamed of him/loves him but would love to have friends except for fear he'll do something to embarrass her and this has gone on so long that when he comes home sober, she's afraid to believe it and considers returning to her shell. Here's another try:
Shy girl wants friends; drunken dad scares them off.
After his stint in jail, her dilemma: trust he’s changed or be a hermit. #MG
#pitmad
Retta needs
to get to basketball camp to secure a scholarship and be free of her crazy
family. Minor setback—man-eating mutants attacking her small town. #PitMad #YA
Thanks for doing this!! I'm a rookie and could use all the help I can get! Here are a few I'm thinking of...
MY ADVENTURES WITH SILLY SANTA walks you through quirky, fun antics of Santa delivering gifts to a young boy year after year. #pitmad #PB
Meet Silly Santa in his first of many adventures, describing his gift-delivering talents over a span of 10 years. #pitmad #PB
Coat left in a clock, avoids a Santa trap, left a map in fireplace…what other fun interactions will happen with Silly Santa? #pitmad #PB
#SillySanta has quirky interactions with boy over 10 yr span. #leftamap #eataburrito #Rudolphbitesthebowl #footprintsintheden #PB #pitmad
Again, love the help and great blog. Just signed up!
Ha! This is great! You've got the goal (go to basketball camp), the stakes (scholarship and getting away from crazy family) and the obstacle (man-eating mutants). The only thing I'm missing here is genre. Any way you can squeeze that in?
Otherwise, I think this is really solid. Great job and good luck!
Hi Amy!
Well firstly, welcome to Writability! I hope you enjoy my posts! :)
So the main issue I'm seeing is actually an issue you have in all of your pitches, and that's the essential pitch elements are missing. Make sure you answer these three questions in every pitch:
1) What is your protagonist's goal?
2) What is standing between your protagonist and their goal?
3) What will happen if your protagonist DOESN'T achieve their goal? What do they have to lose? (These are your stakes.)
I also recommend you start your pitch with your protagonist and work from there. It might help you to use a template like this:
Protagonist must [GOAL] or [CONSEQUENCE] but [OPPOSITION] (not necessarily in that order!).
I hope this helps! Good luck!
Hi Ava,
It sucks they got stuck on Mars but now they have to trust their lives to Sojourners invisible friend? On Mars mistakes can kill! MG #pitmad
Maureen
Hi Maureen,
So a few things here. Firstly, I don't know who your protagonist is—who is "they"? Second, I'm not sure who Sojourners is or what you mean by "invisible friend." Is this a ghost? A figment of someone's imagination? It's hard to say. Finally, your last line is a little too vague.
When writing pitches, make sure you answer these three questions:
1) What is your protagonist's goal?
2) What is standing between your protagonist and their goal?
3) What will happen if your protagonist DOESN'T achieve their goal? What do they have to lose? (These are your stakes.)
It might help you to use a template like this:
Protagonist must [GOAL] or [CONSEQUENCE] but [OPPOSITION] (not necessarily in that order!).
I hope this helps! Good luck!
My genre's a little tricky. I labeled it as comedic horror in Pitch Madness. But for #PitMad purposes does ContF make sense? Or can I even shorten it to CF?
This is so great, thank you so much!!
Amberine is marked to become the darkest of witches, if she survives her curses—and the killer-for-hire after her. #YA #pitmad
Now on to comment! ;)
I read CF to mean Contemporary Fantasy, so if that's what you mean, it works for me. Not sure EVERYONE will get it, but I've seen it used before.
I love the first sentence! The second one falls a little short, mostly because it doesn't really tell me WHY. Why are they running? (What are Eaters?) Why does Lana care? I want to know her motivation, not just what she ends up doing :)
Good luck!
You're so welcome! :)
So it's a little unclear here whether Amberine WANTS to become one of the darkest of witches. Is that her goal? If so, I'd make that clearer (if not, what IS her goal?). Because the goal is unclear, the stakes are a little unclear too—what will happen if she DOESN'T achieve her goal? What does she have to lose?
I think if you clarify the goal and make sure it's clear what will happen if she fails to achieve her goal, you'll have an even stronger pitch.
Also, don't forget the genre tag! (You have the category right now, but genre is necessary too).
I hope this helps! Good luck!
I think the second one is the strongest, though it leaves me wondering why "rare form" is capitalized. Also, you start a question you don't finish. BUT I definitely like it best--you give MC, motivation, and consequences! :)
The comp titles get a little confusing without any other sort of context, but I would definitely leave them for the querying stages. Legally Blond + GoT makes for an interesting pair! :)
Thanks so much, Ava!
Sure thing! ^_^
This would definitely catch your attention, but it leaves me too confused. What is yet to be discovered? Why is it important? Why does the world need saving?
Also you can cut down some words and leave space for others by just tightening up a bit: "ancient clues", "races against time", or something to that effect.
Good luck! :)
Oh thank you so much!!! There's always those things I never realize are missing until someone else points it out. Thank you, that really helps <3
You're very welcome! :)
Thanks Ava for doing this!
Here are the latest iterations of my pitch.
DEXTER meets EMMA when a teenaged killer plays a deadly matchmaking game with the sister she's desperate to keep alive. #YA #H #PitMad
DEXTER meets EMMA when a 16 y/o killer puts her sister through a fairytale ordeal in order to recreate a love worth dying for. #YA #PitMad
NA Guy learns love is like hockey puck to the
groin; never forget the first one but the excruciating pain wears off, eventually.
#PitMad
Hi Megan. The premise is interesting, but I do have some questions. Like why does she need to matchmake in order to keep her sister alive, and how does this relate to her being a killer?
I like them in the following order: 3rd, 1st, 2nd. I feel the 3rd one is superior because it communicates the stakes and the obstacles using active language and--BONUS!--it's got some nice voice. The 1st one is clear, but I agree with Kay that it reads as very passive. And the 2nd one is my last favorite because I immediately assumed the star programmer was the MC only to find out it was Jared--that threw me.
I don't have much to add what Ava said. Except... if you can get the essential pitch elements in there and leave room for one or more of your quirky specifics (burrito, fireplace map, etc.) that would pull in some nice voice.
I agree with C.M. Lloyd--the stakes and obstacles need to be clearer. But definitely save this line for a longer pitch. It has great voice! Oh, and don't forget to use your MC's name. From what I've heard, that little bit of specificity is preferred.
Thank you! I'm proud of that one. I know i can cut his age and the doomed part to make room for some specifics for variety. I have like 8 pitches to rotate now.
Thanks Ava, Lots to think about as I have four main voices… I never do things the easy way….heheheh
Sojourner can save her team from certain death on Mars but they think she's a fruit loop. Of course her invisible friend is real! MG #pitmad
Maureen
@craicer
Thank you so much for the feedback! :)
Thank you! Looks like I have some thinking to do! :)
I do see your point, and long fiction forms do make it far harder and less likely to occur in a problematic way.
This situation, however, has actually occurred within our workshop -- and it was relating to short stories (in the plural), not novels.
The concepts lifted were not so much about whether it was a 'boarding school' story.
That level of inspiration was far below the level that troubles me.
It was more along the lines of a 'story about wizards at a boarding school and the lead character is the bespectacled Quidditch-playing Chosen One, a wizard who, with the help of his best wizardly friends and teachers, opposes the utmost evil in the form of He Who Shall Not Be Named.'
The level of detail lifted was excessive, and I do believe that the sheer amount taken has some relevancy here.
Thank you for doing this Ava and everyone! Here's my first go:
11 yrs after his cousin was killed, Finch bonds w/ Corrina, but discovers a link they've had since age 6 that ruins everything #YA #pitmad
I'm awful at Twitter pitches so feel free to tear this apart 😄
Hi Megan,
I agree with CM. I think your premise definitely sounds interesting, but as is, your pitches are a little vague. What exactly is she doing? How is the matchmaking related to her sister's survival? What does "fairytale ordeal" mean? As a rule, you want to go with specifics rather than vague phrases, so we can really get an idea of what your story is about.
When revising, make sure you answer each of these three questions explicitly in your pitch:
1) What is your protagonist's goal?
2) What is standing between your protagonist and their goal?
3) What will happen if your protagonist DOESN'T achieve their goal? What do they have to lose? (These are your stakes. You have the hint here about her sister, but we need to see the connection more explicitly, IMO.)
I hope this helps! Good luck!
Hey all! I'm not critiquing any more pitches after this comment, but feel free to continue critiquing each other! :)
Good luck next week!
Hi Jules,
I definitely agree with CM and Kamerhe. The image is funny, but it tells us absolutely nothing about your story except that maybe your protag is a hockey player.
When revising, make sure you answer these three questions explicitly in your pitch:
1) What is your protagonist's goal?
2) What is standing between your protagonist and their goal?
3) What will happen if your protagonist DOESN'T achieve their goal? What do they have to lose? (These are your stakes.)
It might help you to use a template like this:
Protagonist must [GOAL] or [CONSEQUENCE] but [OPPOSITION] (not necessarily in that order!).
I hope this helps! Good luck!
Hi Becca!
TECHNICALLY you posted after midnight...but since you were the only one, I'll critique anyway. :)
So a few things. Firstly, your pitch is pretty vague—what kind of link? How does it ruin things? What is "everything"?
It's also unclear who your protagonist is (Finch or Corrina?), and what the goal, opposition and stakes are. When revising, make sure you answer these three questions explicitly in your pitch:
1) What is your protagonist's goal?
2) What is standing between your protagonist and their goal?
3) What will happen if your protagonist DOESN'T achieve their goal? What do they have to lose? (These are your stakes.)
It might help you to use a template like this:
Protagonist must [GOAL] or [CONSEQUENCE] but [OPPOSITION] (not necessarily in that order!).
I hope this helps! Good luck!
Thank you so much. Your comments are instructing and positive and they absolutely do help. I'll re-work these. I know I'll get there!
As far as my baffling comps, Legally Blonde references the fun and snarky co-ed elements of the story, while Game of Thrones is indicative of dragons and magic. It's fun and sexy and surprising and has elements of shifters, magic, dragons. I'm saving the beheadings for Book 2. ;)
Oh, and I think you asked why Rare Form was capitalized, and that's the name of the book.
Thanks again for all you've done. Super helpful.
Thank you! Working to improve them.
I really appreciate your attention to my pitches. Yes, I'll work on them and make the consequences more clear.
Good luck in the days ahead!
Thanks Zoe, I LOVE the comps too (the idea of a Salander style character in a Tomorrow series setting was my original inspiration for the story). I will try and fix up the 1st and 3rd a little and use them both I think. Now to decide if I want to try and write another set of tweets for one of my other novels :)
Thanks for the critique Ava. It's so difficult to get it all into 140 characters :)
You're welcome! It definitely is. Twitter pitches are tough.
Oops sorry Ava! Thank you for critiquing after your deadline I appreciate it so very much! This does help me tons. Back to the drawing board...
No worries! I'm happy to help. If you could, though, I've asked everyone who participates to critique three others as a way to give back. It should also help you further identify what works and doesn't work in a pitch. :)
Good luck with your revisions!
Will do now! Thank you again! 😃
Jody, I'm not very good at the Twitter pitch thing but I am definitely most intrigued by your third one. Makes me want to know more! Best of luck to you!
I really like this last one much better! Don't forget to hashtag MG 😀 good luck!!
Loving C and D very original and interesting! Good luck!!
Awesome feedback. Many thanks. (Sorry for the delayed response!)
I realize you may not have the chance to comment, but here's my revised pitch: To save a baby from abuse, a Native Am teen must admit her role in the
death of another baby, risking her new gospel singing fame.
I've got to work on getting the nation in there. Never enough characters... :-)
Thank you! "Rare Form" is capitalized because it's the name of the book. I'd seen that capitalization done to indicate as much in other pitches....
Yes, all caps is how titles are often formatted especially when you can italicize. I recommend against using titles in a Twitter pitch, though.
How is this? NA College trilogy. Finley uses accidental group
text; knows hockey stud Tanner wants some action. A heart will get iced, but
whose? #PitMad
Ahhhh okay. I can see how it'd be different with short stories (especially when it becomes a pattern...yeesh).
I mean, if it's as detailed as you describe, that sounds like pretty straight plagiarism. I'm not really sure what else to say about it other than that I hope that person was ousted from your critique group. :/
P.S: Thank you! I totally agree—I'm always happy to have a respectful discussion where disagreements are totally okay. I certainly don't expect everyone to agree with me all the time and I don't mind it one bit. In fact, I often enjoy the debates.
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