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| Photo credit: Goodreads |
Welp, it’s another day of everyone telling me I need to read something, and I say I will, and then I don’t forever, and then I finally do, and everyone was right. So.
I finally read The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer by Michelle Hodkin, you guys, and you haven’t read it, you should probably do so.
Here’s the Goodreads summary:
“Mara Dyer believes life can't get any stranger than waking up in a hospital with no memory of how she got there.
It can.
She believes there must be more to the accident she can't remember that killed her friends and left her strangely unharmed.
There is.
She doesn't believe that after everything she's been through, she can fall in love.
She's wrong.”
I actually don’t think the summary does it justice, to be honest, because while there is romance (and Noah is a fantastic book boyfriend), that isn’t what did it for me with this book.
I’ve mentioned before that I’m a total sucker for unreliable narrators—Unbecoming absolutely takes full advantage of Mara’s extremely unreliable narration (and I’m not spoiling anything to say so). I was quoting Mockingjay’s “real or not real?” throughout the book, there are twists galore, and the paranormal/supernatural aspect was so perfectly creepy. And I was totally impressed with all of that, and then I reached the end, and now I seriously need the sequels, which I will be buying together. And as an added bonus, I appreciated the incidental diversity integrated into the cast.
My one peeve was more of a writing quirk than anything else: there are a ton of filter phrases, which honestly is something I see all over the place, but I noticed it more than usual for some reason while reading Unbecoming. That said, it in no way ruined the reading experience for me, and it’s a super minor flaw that most people probably won’t even notice. So.
Unbecoming is twisty, eerie, unintentionally takes advantage of my fear of swamps, and I absolutely enjoyed it. Definitely recommended for those of you who like creepy book with trippy plots that leave you wondering what the hell just happened.
Have you read this fabulous book?
Twitter-sized bites:
.@Ava_Jae gives 4.5/5 stars to THE UNBECOMING OF MARA DYER by @MichelleHodkin. Have you read this creepy YA Para? (Click to tweet)
Looking for a twisty & eerie YA read? Check out THE UNBECOMING OF MARA DYER by Michelle Hodkin. (Click to tweet)
264 comments:
1 – 200 of 264 Newer› Newest»GM All, here is my revised #NA #PitMad Pitch - DRAFT 2 - SYMONE
Symone sleeps w/boy 2 hid her rape/pregnancy, guilt breakups them up. The web of lies spun; fall apart when mom dates therapist.#NA #PitMad
and
Symone pregnancy coverup n a web of lies spun so fast it hurts many. Guilt takes over, she must tell the truth or lose her soul. #NA #PitMad
GM All, here is my revised #PB #PitMad Pitch - DRAFT 2 - SANTA CLAUS
Ronnie ready to give up believing n Xmas, until he discovers Santa is Pops. He accepts the torch pass down to keep Xmas relevant.#PB #PitMad
and
When Ronnie finds out Pops is Santa Claus, he accepts the torch pass down, takes secret oath, and vows to keep Xmas relevant. #PB #PitMad
Thanks for all the great feedback, guys! #amrevising
So I think the main difference between mysteries and thrillers is the amount of danger the protagonist is in. If the protagonist is in danger from the start (i.e.: someone is trying to kill them) it's a thriller. If not, and the protagonist does their sleuthing mostly out of danger, only ends up in danger near the end when they're close to unveiling the killer, then that's more of a mystery. It sounded to me like your protagonist was in a lot of danger early on, but maybe I misread.
Also, an easy way to get the grade thing clarified would be to mention she's a prodigy or a genius. Then we'd know she skipped several grades. :)
Hi there! So I think your book comp is great (although why is "of" lowercase?). I agree with Alyssa about not knowing what a "wight" is. I understand your explanation, but there's no way you'd be able to fit that explanation into your pitch, so most people aren't going to know what a wight is. is there another more common word you could use instead?
Related, is it important that we know your protag is half-human? I don't see it really changing the impact of the pitch either way, so you may want to consider removing that (as most people aren't going to understand the significance of being half-wight) and use the space for something else.
Finally, I really like the second half of your pitch ("or death at the point of Charlemagne's sword") but is there a way you could make the first half more specific? "save the Norse from conversion" seems a little vague to me, and I'm not totally sure what you mean. How would your protag save them from conversion? And conversion to what? Why is conversion so terrible? Or are you saying that your protag has to save the Norse from Charlemagne's forces, which are giving them the "option" of converting or dying? If that's the case, I'd reword your pitch a little to make it more clear.
I hope this helps! Good luck!
Happy to help critique (tho I'm a total newbie): #YA How can Dinitra save men in world of slave warriors, mutants, bionic rebels, killer battle dogs #pitmad GOLDEN COMPASS meet Ness KNIFE
So...I'm a little confused. Is she OCD or schizophrenic? (Or both?). It sounded like she might be schizophrenic to me, but you mention OCD here and I'm not seeing that at all.
More specific to your pitches, however, I think your premise is really interesting (and I love that you're tackling mental illness in YA—yay for representation!). Here's what I'm thinking, though:
Like Alyssa said, your pitches are a little on the vague side. Your first pitch doesn't tell us the stakes and we don't really understand the full conflict (why does her past need fixing? What's wrong with her future? What's the real problem, here?).
Your second pitch has much of the same problem. We don't know anything about what Katheryn's goal is, what's at stake, or what's standing between her and her goal.
Your third pitch gets closer to Katheryn's goal (finding her father, I premise), but we still don't have any stakes. What will happen if Katheryn DOESN'T find her father? Why is this so important? And what's standing in the way?
While reworking your pitches, I recommend you ask yourself these three questions and make sure you answer each of them:
1) What is Katheryn's goal?
2) What's standing between her and her goal?
3) What will happen if she fails to achieve her goal? What does she have to lose? Why does this matter?
I hope this helps! Good luck!
Hi Julie,
So I'm going to refer you to the three questions that are essential in every pitch:
1) What is your protagonist's goal? (What does Francesca want?)
2) What's standing between your protagonist and their goal?
3) What will happen if your protagonist fails to achieve their goal? (What does Francesca have to lose?)
It's important that every pitch answers those three questions, as that's what gets to the heart of your story.
I hope this helps! Good luck!
Hey Dakota!
So I agree with everyone about the second pitch working best, so I'm glad you posted this. :)
I think your second sentence is great—"If he can't prove she's alive, he'll lose his magic, mind, and boyfriend" (also *high-fives* for diversity rep!).
Your first sentence I think could use some tweaking. "Skye's magic caused his best friend to go missing" is really vague (and also "caused" makes it a little awkward to read). HOW did Skye's magic make his bestie go missing? What did he do? I think if you get specific and tell us exactly what happened, this will be much more interesting and it'll strengthen your pitch even more.
I hope this helps! Good luck! (And you're so welcome, by the way! I really do enjoy doing this). :)
Dwight,
I remember a bit about this one from pitchplus1 and like your concept.
I like a bit about all these pitches. In the first, I like that we understand Bixby's relationship with the missing guy. I'd like more stakes though. Will she (he?) get a prize if he finds Cody? Is Cody's life in danger? Will Bixby's dad lose his job if he isn't found. The others have more specific stakes, but not the motivation that ties Bixby to Cody.
I wonder if Pinnacle manor helps you. If you cut it, You could say:
Bixby’s dad works for an eccentric genius. When the boss goes missing, she unravels riddles to find him. Now she’s in danger. #MG #pitmad
I'd love to be even more specific than "in danger" but I don't really know what the threat is.
I hope that helps! Good luck!
Oh my goodness, everyone has been telling me I must check out Mara Dyer as well. I probably should, but *sighs and stares at TBR* Unreliable narrators are totally my thing, though, so I probably will check it out.
Ohhh, I know what you mean by filter phrases. I suppose they can be used to artistic effect, and I don't notice them much as a reader ... we'll see. Thanks for the review, Ava!
Wow great suggestions! Thank you.
This sounds intriguing. I don't think you need to list slave warriors, mutants, etc. Just pick three, maybe the shortest ones. Also, why does she want to save "men"? That sounds so esoteric? Are you talking about the human race or specific men? I would clear this motivation up too.
I would love some feedback on these three pitch ideas:
When Ryan’s new pen brings his comic book characters come to life, he has to team up with the superhero to defeat Dastard Lee. #MG #pitmad
A new pen brings Ryan’s comic book characters to life. Now the villain is a substitute teacher with a penchant for brainwashing. #MG #pitmad
Superhero with a tail, genius rat sidekick, and a villain brainwashing Ryan’s school. This new pen = worst purchase ever. #MG #pitmad
Interesting idea. However, I would like to know what happens if he doesn't take the torch. Can you say, When Ronnie finds out Pops is Santa Claus, he has to become the heir-apparent or Christmas will..... Do you know what I mean? Right now, it sounds like he just goes along with the plan. I'd like to know the conflict.
I like the first one because it's more specific. "Lose her soul" makes me wonder if this is a paranormal novel. Is it? Otherwise, in the first one, I'd cut "web of lies spun" to "Their lies fall apart when mom dates therapist." That way you can revise the first sentence so it's more grammatically correct. Do you know what I mean. Maybe: "Symone sleeps with a boy to hide her rape/pregnancy, but guilt breaks them up." This looks good.
You are soooo helpful, Ava Jae! Yes, this 140-character straight jacket is a challenge.
1. Goal: to meet her dad
2. Obstacle: lack of self-confidence; family history of depression (grandma and mom at home) and a mean set of twins who try everything to keep that self-confidence as low as possible
3. At stake: she thinks finding her dad will bring her grandma and mom out of depression, will help her fit in and be cool
4. The negative voices in her head try to convince her all this is really possible. When she meets a new boy, her journey takes a turn and she discovers the importance of the real people that surround her everyday
The story is a journey to herself. It's the tale of a girl who just wants to be herself, only if that could be someone else.
Help! Thank you :)
-Ellen
I'm wondering if the man who killed her parents is the one she's fallen in love with... If so, say it. That's an awesome premise!
Ha ha okay this is a good start, now put it all together.
Protagonist must [GOAL] or [CONSEQUENCE] but [OPPOSITION].
Not necessarily in that order. Write up a few pitches and post them and more people will be able to help you with critiques. :)
OMG! I love these. I'm favoring #2 because it shows the relationship between the protag and villain. I wonder how you could fit it what Ryan might/could do about the brainwashing. How old is he?
Thanks! I can work in his age (12 years old) but I don't know how to say how he might stop the villain without cutting something that I think is vital. This is so hard!
142 characters :(
Any better? Closer? Really wanted to get the M J Fox and Back to Future in...but....
14yo Kathryn thinks meeting her dad will help her fit in, but evil twins, a lack of confidence & a depressed household don't help. #YA #PitMad
I think all three of these have potential (and I love, love, love the premise!), but each one is missing something.
In the first one, I love the villain detail--Dastard Lee--but we're missing stakes. What happens if he doesn't defeat the superhero?
In #2, I like that the villain is a substitute teacher (my kids would agree with that assessment!) but I'm less sure of how the pen relates to the teacher.
In #3, I like the details--superhero with a tail, genius rat sidekick--but again, not sure what the stakes are or how the pen relates, and I think you lose the fact that the pen's magic in this one, which makes it a little confusing.
I don't think you need the age since you've got MG in there...would rather see stakes than more details about Ryan...Good luck--this sounds like a great story!
This is much clearer now, but I agree with Andrea about the stakes!! What happens if he fails?
I really like the first one because the goal, consequence and opposition are very clear. It must be very hard to rat out a friend, but as a cop, Dt. Harris would have that duty. I do like the detail that you have included in the second post about being sent to the worst precinct because that makes me think that's another of his goals, to help turn things around. But his pal is threatening that goal as well as their friendship. If there is a way to combine both, that could be awesome. Good luck to you!!
Awesome - thanks so much for doing this! I have a couple prospects if you don't mind taking a look/if you're still doing them.
A jealous Norm slanders his superhero bro, Heroic Man, & must repair the
relationship despite a powerful man’s plans. #pitmad #SFF
Brainy weakling, Norm, must redeem himself after slandering his superhero bro, Heroic Man, in a fit of envy. #pitmad #SFF
Thanks Megan, and you said a mouthful. This is hard, trying to condense a novel into a sentence. All the feedback helps so much. Thanks again for your comments.
Humm, this is hard. Could the stakes be his younger siblings finding out?
Thanks Andrea, having a hard time on this one and knocking my head against the wall. The conflicts:
giving up and happy to see santa is pops
His young siblings not finding out pops is santa
Don't know how to put it all a sentence. My head hurts. Back to the writing board. 😩
Thank you so much, ya'll? This has been so helpful!
Don't worry about word count yet. Just tell us what happens if he doesn't become the Santa Clause heir. If he says no to Pops, then ... what?
Lmbo, about the paranormal. No, it not a paranormal. I can be a little dramatic, lol. I love your comments and will consider on the ne to rewrite. Thanks.
You're doing a superhero book too! Love the premise. :)
In the first one, is his brother's name really Heroic Man? I wonder if you can leave out that name. It makes me wonder how close Norm is with Heroic Man since he thinks of him in such lofty terms. Saying he's a superhero is probably enough. But then I wonder, why is slandering a brother such a big deal? Kids do that all the time in families. And who is the powerful man? Can you be more specific? I feel like we're not yet at the core of the story.
In the second one, I like the first part "Brainy weakling, Norm, must redeem himself after slandering his superhero bro, or ...." The name of his brother and the fact that he did it because of envy don't matter. I want to know what will happen if Norm doesn't redeem himself.
Thank you for this opportunity!
Emma hates the Yanks who have banished her & Mama from TN. Emma searches how to smuggle meds for Papa. Getting caught = jail. #PitMad #PB
Hi Patricia, this is certainly an interesting idea for a picture book. I'm wondering how getting banished from TN relates to smuggling meds for Papa? Is Papa still in TN? It almost seems like there's two different books going on here.
You could write K-5 or K-4 depending on his age instead of writing out kindergarten. That would give you 9 extra characters to use.
Alex is scared of K-5 but his toy box is proving scarier. He'll fail K-5 if he can't defeat them.
Or, whatever happens if he doesn't reach his goal.
Thank you for your comment, C.M. Emma wants to smuggle medicines out the day they actually leave TN. They will be "camp followers" in Mississippi where Papa is a doctor in the Confederacy.
Hope that wasn't more confusing.
Oh, is this historical? I think that needs to be included in your pitch. I'd drop her personal feelings about the Yanks and focus on her motivation for getting meds to her Papa.
I'd read this book! Here's my 2 cents:
A new pen brings 12yo Ryan’s comic book to life. Can he stop Dastard Lee/sub-teacher before he brainwashes the entire school? #MG #pitmad
unsubscribe John R Berkowitz
Am I Doing This Right?
Writing the middle grade novel and living to tell about it.
Yes, it's historical. Is it okay to put initial for name?
#PitMad #PB HF The Yanks are banishing Emma & Mama from TN. E searches how to smuggle meds to Papa for wounded pts. Getting caught = jail.
Thanks, Ava!
That pitch was the most popular in two earlier pitch contests (my first 2) but I can see now why it might not be the best one for an agent. Can I throw a different one at you? Pretty please?
Holding
a dragon’s life flame, Naya can take his power to ward off the dragon invasion.
But it would kill her dragon friend. #YAF
Hi everyone, and thank you very much Ava for doing this. I am the worst at coming up with a synopsis for this particular story, and doing it within 140 characters adds an extra challenge. I would appreciate any help I can get.
Ash Beacon is the last of an alien species. She must fight other aliens to find out what killed her species and will kill her. #pitmad NA SF
I think you have to unsubscribe yourself from the feed (assuming that's what you mean?). To be honest, I'm not totally sure how to do it.
Before you do that, however, please critique at least three other pitches. It'll not only help you with your pitch (because you'll better understand what works and what doesn't in a pitch), but it's common courtesy, and part of the rules of participating. Thanks!
Ava, I intend to comment on several pitches this evening after work. I'm just being flooded with e-mails. I followed the instructions at the bottom of the e-mail which says to reply with the word "unsubscribe." So I did. Not sure how to turn this off.
This is much better. I think we can do better. I think using initials for names is okay, but shortening patients to pts is a little confusing. Maybe make the last half more along the lines of "Emma risks jail to smuggle meds to Papa for wounded patients before leaving TN."
unsubscribe John R Berkowitz
Am I Doing This Right?
Writing the middle grade novel and living to tell about it.
I appreciate it, John! Sorry about the e-mail flood. I honestly didn't realize it was e-mailing everyone with every comment. If the "unsubscribe" reply doesn't work, I suggest going to your disqus account and seeing if you can moderate it there from your account page.
Born with a Mudra, symbol of his ancient enemy,Thea's sire abandons her. As she comes of age, can she kill her own kind? #pitmad YAF
Not your fault. I clicked on the tiny "subscribe" button at the very bottom of the page and the check mark went away, so I think that's done it. Thanks, by the way, for this great post, I received tons of help and now have 4 fresh pitches cued up for #PitMad next week.
Ahhhh okay, that explains it. Glad you figured it out!
And you're so welcome! I'm so happy to see how the community's come together to help each other out, and being a part of that makes me very happy. :)
Good luck with #pitmad!
Good job. Initially, I thought if Ash is the last of the aliens, how could she fight other aliens. Rereading it, I see that she the last of a specific species. Here is my go - if you name the species, you could remove "Beacon" to give you extra characters.
As the last of species X, Ash Beacon must fight other alien types to find out what killed species X and what will kill her. #pitmad NA SF
Thanks for the help, C.M. I can work with your suggestions!
Thank you, Ava, for this wonderful opportunity! Thank you, everyone, in advance for comments!
A 21yo germophobe has to become a Dr. and marry a Chinese Ivy Leaguer before her eggs expire OR be disowned by her parents #NA #WNDB #PitMad
Hi Morgyn! Killing her own kind - yikes! Big stakes! A few suggestions: I'm unclear as to what Mudra is, and thus it takes up valuable characters without adding as much information as it could. Maybe you can try to tweak "symbol of his ancient enemy" to be more specific. For example, is this a cursed mark that others will treat him poorly for? If so, maybe use the word "cursed" in there. Why do people get this mark? It's also unclear why she needs to kill her own kind. It feels a little like it comes out of nowhere. Maybe you can cut the "comes of age" and instead explain why she needs to kill her own kind. Best of luck!
I like Patricia's suggestion. It's also a little unclear how fighting other aliens will give her the knowledge she needs. Consider finding a way to connect those two thoughts tighter. Also, as a reader, I'd love to know more about what killed her species and would love a hint at that in the pitch. Or maybe you just did a fantastic job piquing my interest! Best of luck!
Gloria, any way to work in why she has to become a Dr? Thanks for your notes!
Hi Patricia! I like the new pitch best. Great voice and intriguing premise! I think the initial works well and is obvious. The only small thing I can think of is it's not completely clear how the banishment and smuggling meds are related. I'm guessing it's because they're moved away from their usual supply? If so, then it's probably obvious enough to leave alone. Great job! Best of luck!
Thank you for offering this on your blog! :)
I have a few options. Would love your feedback. Any ideas or help would be great! Was also wondering if I could shorten certain words like "and" to & or "without" to w/o?
Here they are.
Sara and Dustin must protect the heir from a heart-reaping witch without giving her the power to destroy the Kingdom.#PitMad #YA #F
Sara and Dustin must protect the heir from Elfria, a heart-reaping witch, without giving her the power to destroy the Kingdom.#PitMad #YA #F
Argh! 274 comments! I'm late!! I think I'll spend more time commenting on pitches than showcasing them, so I'll stick to one :D Here goes:
With answers to a nanite-virus, Lyken must save either the last humans or the “synthetics” everyone else has turned into. #pitmad #SF #A
Ahhhh that explains it! Glad you figured it out. :)
And you're so welcome! I'm delighted to see how many people have jumped in to help each other. The writing community is awesome. :)
Good luck with #pitmad!
Thank you! I edited it to "Skye's magic created a tornado that whisked his BFF away. If he can't prove she's alive, he'll lose his magic and boyfriend. #YA #UF #pitmad"
Not the same impact the other had, but still hits all the points.
Also, thanks for the high five on diversity representation! :-) I'm writing the stories I wanted to see as a gay closeted teen. I want to see more spec fic with gay teens who aren't coming out. Rather they're gay and that's just a fact, now let's move onto the story and then they can makeout later when his/her/their dreams are crushed or whatever. I don't see why we can't have more authors like Malinda Lo who do this, you know? Lol! Sorry, got on a soap box.
Hi Megan!
I'm going to agree with everyone else—without the connection between forgiving the man who killed her parents and falling in love, it's hard to really understand the gravity of the conflict you're proposing. IS the person she's falling in love with related to the one who killed her parents? Or is the connection something else entirely? I think it's important for us to understand in order to really get your story.
I hope this helps! Good luck!
Hi Devin,
Love the first one short and sweat, no need for a name, but I'm wondering about how the witch would get the power to destroy the kingdom? Or if the heart would give her those powers? They seem to be two separate things.
Good luck!
Hi STW!
This premise sounds totally fascinating! I love the idea of some genderswapped Shakespeare.
That said, I agree with Alyssa that you don't need to say "genderswapped fantasy retelling." I think we get that just from the rest of your pitch, with Hamlette's name and your reference as "her." You can also add "#F" after "#YA" so we understand it's a fantasy (which is much shorter than saying "fantasy").
I also agree with Alyssa that it's important we understand the stakes, which right now aren't totally clear. Usually I'd give you some questions to think about, but Alyssa nailed it, so please refer to her questions and make sure you answer all of them in your revised pitch. :)
Good luck!
Hi Chris,
I think you might be able to save some precious space without the names in the second one. Brainy weakling must redeem himself after slandering his superhero bro's reputation or...? What are the stakes? What happens if he doesn't redeem himself?
Hope that helps and good luck!
Ok, here's my babble!
To save space I'd suggest taking out an MC in exchange for more characters. If your pitch is awesome you'll still have a chance to bring Sara AND Dustin up in your query or synopsis. :D
I love that the characters are clear as day to me, though the main conflict does confuse me a little, as Sara and Dustin seem to be saving the heir at a possible cost of giving the witch Power(???) If so, that's a nice tricky conflict, or the grey dilemma that I think could be focused on more - saving one person at the risk of killing everyone else. Makes me wonder what makes the heir so important!
Hope I've helped some :D
P.S not sure about w/o but seen a lot of people using "&", including myself and I've been faved a few times so I wouldn't say the ampersand is a problem at all.
Hi Morgyn,
I agree with Gloria about the Mudra and it taking up precious characters. You can take that out and we'll still understand. You could even cut out why, and just say Thea's sire abandoned her, and use the rest to tell why she would need to kill her own and whats at stake for her.
hope that helps and good luck!
Pieces of each of these pitches work. Maybe you can put them together. Is the kidnapping important? It feels like a distraction from the meat of the story, which is Lana seeking safety in a destroyed world. I'd recommend focusing on that for the sake of the pitch.
Hi Robin!
I agree with C.M. and Andrea about cutting down the list and making it clearer if you mean men as in the gender or men as in the race (if the latter, maybe go with "humanity").
Also, I think we need the specific problem and stakes here. What is Dinitra saving men from? How? What EXACTLY is standing in her way (you've named too many opponents here, IMO)? What will happen if she DOESN'T save men? Why does this matter to her?
I think if you rewrite to answer those questions, you'll have a much stronger pitch.
I hope this helps! Good luck!
Ah I joined so late, hope it's not TOO late!
Here's Mine:
Shadow slayer at night, socialite by day. A missing brother and
murders galore. If Caetlin cant find the cause, she'll be next. #Pitmad #YAF
Hi, S.E.
So, first things first. Your pitch is clear, which is good, however I'm not sure the stakes feel high enough. I don't get a sense that either option is better or worse than the other. Are the "synthetics" a poorer version of the people they used to be? If so, why would Lyken want to save them? Does he want to stop them from becoming synthetics? I'd recommend playing up the conflict so I can see what's really at stake here.
Hi Andrea! I totally agree with these critiques and I especially love C.M.'s revision. (Also, Dastard Lee? That is HILARIOUS. Love it!).
The revision C.M. suggests ties everything together really nicely, and I definitely recommend you try to stay along those lines if you don't use C.M's suggestion so that we understand how Ryan's pen is connected to Dastard Lee and the stakes are in play (all of which works in the suggested revision).
Good luck!
I'm not Ava, but I do read, so I hope my critique's of some use to you.
The part about the heart-reaping witch is super interesting and I want to know more, but I don't understand how that relates to the power to destroy the kingdom. And whose heir is at stake? Sara and Dustin's? If not, you may want to consider fleshing out their role or removing them from the pitch. You want to hook someone in 140 words, not confuse them, and I'm left a little confused as to who I should be focusing on.
Think of something like this: The heir is Elfria is in danger. A heart-reaping witch intends to steal little Nero's heart and with it, the power to destroy the Kingdom.
I don't know the heir's name, but I guessed. Do you see how the danger feels more immediate than what you had at first? How it felt a smidge more distant? Really, get to the heart of your story.
Hi Chris,
So I definitely agree with Andrea and Ellie—I think we need more clarity on your stakes (that is, what Norm has to lose) and I'm not totally understanding the significance of slandering his superhero bro. I also don't think you need Heroic Man in there—just saying "superhero bro" is enough and the saved characters could be used to expand on the stakes.
When reworking this pitch, make sure you answer:
1) What is Norm's goal? (Repairing his relationship/redeeming himself?)
2) What is standing between Norm and his goal?
3) What will happen if Norm fails to achieve his goal? (What will happen if he DOESN'T repair his relationship/redeem himself)
4) Why is the slander important?
I hope this helps! Good luck!
I like the second one the best, because it manages to condense the plot down to its essence. I am wondering if there are a second character though, as I don't have a clear idea of an antagonist.
Hi Patricia!
This sounds so interesting! I definitely think your last pitch there is the strongest (particularly if you adjust it so patients is spelled out, because that'll definitely trip some people up). Once you work out the wording, I do think you've got all your essentials set up, so great job!
Good luck! :)
The pitch makes me curious about what the cause might be, and from what. It's enough to get me opening the book. Next from what? I have a lot of trouble with this.
I like the latter the best: my reason is that it's far more specific.
Hi C.M.,
Firstly, thanks for your great critiques! I just saw quite a few of them and they were great. (Also, high-five for NA SpecFic! Woot!)
As for your pitch, I agree with both Patricia and Gloria. I think your key here is being more specific and making the connection between fighting other aliens and learning what killed her special/will kill her—right now they seem like two very different goals, so it's not clear how one will lead to the other.
I think if you clear that up, you'll have an even stronger pitch! Good luck! :)
My recommendation would be to generalize you pitch a bit more. This pitch is very straightforward, but it's not hook-y for me, though it's quite close.
For example, the germophobe detail, while interesting, doesn't seem to add anything to the pitch that we couldn't easily find out later. I think you could replace "A 21yo germophobe" with your MC's name and save letters for something else.
Can you pitch the story from another perspective? I ask because your character is 21 and I'm not sure why her parents have the power to disown her. Are they supporting her financially? Is she an heiress of some kind? If so, play up that angle so there's clearer cause and effect between her being of age and her still doing what they demand out of fear of consequence.
It sounds like you have a good story here, you just have to pick the right details to catch somebody's eye.
^^ Here is mine:
#MG #Fantasy A daring thief and her cowardly sister must go through hell and back
to rescue the Grim Reaper--from his own son.
You've picked up on the most difficult part I have getting across as I want to merely say humans are changing into something else though this is not necessarily a bad thing, only a different thing.
Do you think it sounds better if I imply he has more to do with it regarding stakes? eg:
With answers to a nanite-virus, Lyken must save either the last humans or the “synthetics” he & everyone else has turned into.#pitmad #SF #A
Or??? :D (As in, what happens if they don't?)
Adding to what Gloria said, how does the first sentence connect to the second? Why does she kill her own kind? Is it the mark? Is Thea a vampire? I don't have a sense of the stakes or the universe we're dealing with here. You have 140 characters, I would strongly suggest packing in a little more plot to connect your first sentence and your second.
Anthemone Manigault
is only one in a world filled with seers, but she foresees what nobody is
supposed to--the end. #YA #SpecFic #PitMad
Ooooooh Nice! Maybe skip the last name to save characters. I'm curious to know what the other seers see....
.......
Wait a minute.
I know this.
I know you! Your blog is saved to my bookmarks. I've even read the first page or so to this story. Damn. Now I dunno what else to say lol.
Errr let's see. When you refer to the end, is it The End of the world through nature?
Hi, Ellie!
I think is a very good pitch, but I feel like there's another perspective you could also take in an alternative pitch. Tell me more about how her shadow slaying plays a role. Are these supernatural murders? Are they fellow socialites? Is her family being targeted? I feel like you've got a really hooky plot with a socialite also being a butt-kicking slayer at night. What are the stakes with regard to her social life? I'd recommend doing multiple variations to really highlight all your story has going for it.
(It may or may not be obvious that I really like your idea.)
I knew you seemed familiar! Haha, yeah, it's that story. You're right about that last name deal. I'm so used to thinking of this as just one whole name that I don't even notice.
Yup, it's the end of everything, but 'the end' seems more ominous to me. Thoughts?
Actually, I'd recommend playing up the ambivalence of the transformation. Play up the confusion as to whether it's for the better or the worse, and his indecision about whether he ought to "save" them at all. That sounds more in keeping with the story you're telling from my perspective.
#MG Fantasy A daring thief and her cowardly sister must go through hell to rescue Grim Reaper—from his own son—or die trying. #pitmad
Thanks for the help!^^
Rewrite:
#MG Fantasy A daring thief and her cowardly sister must go through Hell to rescue Grim Reaper—from his own son—or die trying. #pitmad
Hi Morgyn!
I agree with everyone so far and had some of the same questions. I'm assuming by "sire" you mean Thea is a vampire, but I write and read tons of paranormal, so while I made that connection (assuming it's right, even), not everyone will. (And if that's not what you mean, then we're definitely not getting it lol.)
I also think you can cut the name of the symbol—it doesn't really add anything to your pitch (as it requires an explanation anyway). It also took a couple readings before I understood that the REASON her sire abandoned her was because she was born with the symbol. So maybe reword like...
When Thea is re-born with an ancient enemy's symbol, her sire abandons her....
Although...come to think of it, do we need to know her sire abandoned her?
More important I think is to focus on:
1) WHY does Thea have to kill her own kind? (What will happen if she doesn't? These are your stakes)
2) Assuming killing her own kind is her goal, what's stopping her?
I hope this helps! This sounds really interesting, so good luck! :)
Hi Idris,
Ooh tihis sounds very interesting. It's a great hook. I agree with S.E Dee, and think you could take out the last name to save precious character space and add in what the end is.
Even putting the end of existence, it still makes us wonder how that's going to happen, and peeks the reader's curiosity.
My question is, whats at stake? Because she sees the end, does that mean she can change it? What does the character need to do?
Well as I've read some I can def comment on a few more things. If I remember correctly, everyone can see a little bit of their future right? I remember there being news reports warning people to stay away from certain streets lol.
My main thoughts are.
1. Missing conflict perhaps? She sees the end so it's going to end. Is there no way to stop it? And if so, what will it cost, if anything?
2. There's hint of something, ie. She sees something nobody is supposed to. Why are they not supposed to? Is there something or someone preventing this knowledge?
I def think you can expand on how she (and everyone else) can get out of "The End" unless it's that kind of story where everyone dies!
Hi Gloria!
This sounds so great! I actually like the germophobe detail (and I think it's important to understand why she wouldn't want to be a doctor) and I think you should keep that. The biggest question I have, however, is on the stakes. Yes, being disowned sucks, but what exactly would that mean for her? Are they paying her way through school? Does she still live with them?
Also, it sounds like she doesn't WANT to marry a Chinese Ivy Leaguer (not sure if that's the case. If so, awesome, if not, maybe clarify?).
And I also want to say I love the detail about her eggs expiring. Too funny (and sad because I believe it lol).
Overall, I think if you clarify the stakes a bit, you'll be totally set. Good luck!
Thank you! I have spelled out patients :)
Hi Sarah,
This sounds like a cool idea, but I'm wondering why they want to rescue the Grim reaper at all? Do they owe him something? Did he promise them something in exchange? And what if they don't rescue him? Do they automatically die on the spot?
sorry, so many questions! I hope they help though!
Now that you've said that, it's so obvious, but I totally overlooked the lack of obvious stakes. Basically, this story is a modern-rehash of the Cassandra myth in which Anthy foresees the end and nobody believes her because they can't see it, too. And there's definitely somebody stopping people from seeing it.
I'll have to come up with a good way to narrow that down to 140 characters. Thanks!
Thanks Gloria! (There was a blockade throughout the whole war - so everything had to be smuggled into the south. Memphis, TN was a big smuggling place even after the North took it over.)
Hi Idris,
Thank you so much! Its funny you ask if the murders are supernatural or fellow socialites, because that's the exact mystery Caetlin needs to solve. :P
I think you're right in having to come up with multiple variations. I'll have to work on them :)
Didn't think about that, pitches fun yet so tricky:
#MG #Fantasy Two thieves, one daring one cowardly, must rescue Grim Reaper from his own son, if they want to go back home—or die trying.
Getting a little tight.:/
Hah hah! No my mind is working through some images you pitch is conjuring up.
Die trying can be a little generic, as in a few other people might use it on the day of pit mad so you def want yours to stand out.
This sounds interesting, the Grim Reaper needing saving. If you cut out "and her cowardly sister" you can mess more with the main three characters: Grim, his son and main character. You can save even more space by using the MC's name instead of her job role as the saving the grim reaper is interesting enough.
If you could expand more on the Grim's son's motives that may add more spark to the pitch!
Hi Devin!
Firstly, IMO I don't think w/o or & should be a problem. I've seen both used frequently (as well as other common abbreviations) and it's never deterred me.
As for your pitch, I think your first one works best, if only because we've got too many character names in your second one (and we don't need to know your antagonist's name—"heart-reaping witch" is all we need).
What's missing here for me is the connection between saving the heir and giving the witch the power to destroy the Kingdom. How does one relate to the other? I think in order for us to fully understand the conflict, we need to know how saving the heir (Sara and Dustin's goal) will lead to the Kingdom's destruction. That way we can really get a sense of their dilemma.
I hope this helps! Good luck!
Hi S.E.!
You're totally not too late. The forums will be open through tomorrow (and even then I'm thinking I might keep them open...but I just won't be critiquing anymore lol).
So I'm a little confused about the connection between "answers to a nanite-virus" and saving everyone. What does "answers to a nanite-virus" even mean? Do you mean a cure? Or a modification? Or...?
I also think it's unclear why Lyken has to save one or the other. Firstly, why is HE the one who has to save people? Why does it matter to him? And secondly, why must he only choose ONE to save?
I think if you rework your pitch to answer those questions, you'll have an even stronger pitch.
I hope this helps! Good luck! :)
#MG #Fantasy Two thieves, one daring one cowardly, in Hell must rescue
Grim Reaper from his own son, if they don't lose their heads.
Or
#MG #Fantasy It takes two heads from a daring thief and cowardly sister to rescue Grim from his own son in hell, if they don't lose them in the process.
For the crucial locale.
It is so hard to be limited to the 140 characters. I found it helpful to write out my pitch with Ava's formula:
Protagonist must [GOAL] or [CONSEQUENCE] but [OPPOSITION]. (not necessarily in that order)
I guess I'm not clear on the consequences - except that who wants to be brainwashed! Is Ryan at risk? His family? What's the villain brainwashing people to do?
Didn't mean the line break in the first pitch.
Hey Ellie,
Totally not too late, as I'm sure you've gathered. :)
So I think this is really strong and I really like where you're going with it. My one tweak would be to maybe switch out the word "cause" for something else. It sounds to me like the CAUSE is clear (someone or something is killing and abducting people), but what she's really looking for is WHO or WHAT, right? Or maybe I'm misunderstanding, but that's how I'm reading it.
Otherwise, I think this is pretty solid. I'd also say maybe write another pitch that focuses more on saving her brother (as I assume that's a pretty big motivating factor).
I hope this helps! Good luck!
Hi Sarah!
Okay, so this is a really fascinating idea, but I think you're still missing some questions that the other critiquers brought up.
Firstly, I don't think you need to tell us one is daring and one is cowardly. You'll save a lot of space by cutting that entirely.
Let's look at your essentials:
-Two thieves
-Hell
-Save Grim from son
-Death as punishment
What I still need to know is why they have to save Grim to begin with. Will they die because Grim threatened them? Were they in Hell to start with and this is their ticket out? I don't understand the relationship between your protags and Grim, and I feel it's important to fully understand the conflict in your story.
I hope this helps! Good luck!
Thanks so much, Ellie.
You and S.E. have made really useful points I hadn't considered.
Anthemone is one in a world of seers, but she foresees what no one else does--the end of everything. #YA #SpecFic #PitMad
Anthemone foresees the end of everything. Unless she can convince the world her visions are real, the end will come. #YA #SpecFic #PitMad
Still working on making the stakes fit
Since you're coming up with a revision, I'll wait to critique. :) (But I agree—cut the last name and give us more stakes! I'd also be more specific about what "the end" means).
Okay. Really I'm saving my critique. Going now.
Good luck!
No prob!:)
Your second one has more of a stakes problem. you could save maybe two character by putting "everyone" instead of "the world" :P
But I'm wondering how just having them believe her would change the future? Can they only do something when combining their seer abilities?
140 characters seems so SMALL during pitch season ;_;
#MG #Fantasy A girl kidnapped by the Grim Reaper must must request his assistance to go home—or lose her head in the process.
It just doesn't convey the latter plot very well.
#MG #Fantasy A girl kidnapped by the Grim Reaper for stealing must request his assistance to go home—or lose her head in the process.
Welcome to the wonderful world of epic fantasy NOT based on fairy tales, medieval systems, or anything else you could name. This is a horse honor culture. Maybe a version of my logline would work better: Two warriors, ancient enemies, one who sired her, one who reared her -- when she comes of age, which will she betray? Epic YAF #pitmad
The Mudra is a birthmark with negative religious significance for her father's country. He abandons her rather than kill her. Complex, yes?
Ava, Gloria, Idris (love your name!) and Ellie, my heartfelt thanks for your input. Not writing paranormal, I never put two and two together re the 'sire' line till now!
Thanks so much!!! I'm working on some other pitches too :) I think 'Culprit' would fit in better instead of 'cause' so thanks for inspiring me to re-think that!
It's so small, wow. Okay, I'll try again below.
Ok, so whoever that person is may be a more important character to bring in regarding conflict.
I'll go with this version.
#mg #fantasy A daring thief girl risks more than just not going home--her own head—if she can't rescue Grim Reaper from his own son. #pitmad
Hi Sarah!
I actually like this. I just don't think you need to mention that she's a 'girl'. It messes with the flow a bit. Plus her gender is implied when you go on to call her 'her'. Hope that helps. Good luck!
Hi Gloria!
I really like this concept! The hook is straightforward, which I like, but it leaves me with more questions than you probably intended. Is your MC Chinese? Why is nationality important to her family if she isn't? Lastly, I love the egg reference, but it implies an urgency that doesn't exist since she's only 21.
Those are the only things that stood out to me. I hope I've been of some help. Good luck!
Hi Ava,
Thank you so much for doing this! I have three pitches, one of which is
completely different in tone. Feel free to critique whichever one you choose. I’m
just glad to get this opportunity.
When a school feud turns 16yo Chris into a pariah, she’ll either accept her fate or
barter her heart to save her reputation. #PitMad YA
A feud with the ‘it’ boy turns 16yo Christina into a pariah. He can help save her reputation- at the cost of her pride and heart. #PitMad YA
A secret crush becomes an enemy. An entire school turns against her. For 16yo Chris, 4th period can’t come soon enough. #PitMad YA
I had a long comment here, but it got eaten when Disqus went loopy, so that's a few variations lost. I'll do my best from there. Thanks for any and all advice.
Re-writes:
In a world of seers, most have gone blind to the truth. The world is ending & those causing it seek to blind An, too. #YA #SpecFic #PitMad
The year is 2032 & humanity's days are numbered. Unless An can expose the plot to end life on earth, it just may succeed.#YA #SpecFi #PitMad
Stakes are really hard.
Hey - I'm back!! I hope (or pray) you have time to take a look at these revised ones. Hopefully I'm getting closer. The comments on the last ones were invaluable!
Genius Norm tries to be a superhero like his bro, despite his weak-as-hell body & a murderous fame-seeker who wants the spotlight. #pitmad #SFF
A jealous Norm slanders his superhero bro & must repair the wrong despite a murderous fame-seeker who wants the spotlight. #pitmad #SFF
Thank you, you are absolutely right this needs clarity.
Thank you so much, I'll work on that connection.
Thank you so much!!
Hi SKT! I like the premise a lot, but I'm wondering how the 'it' boy will help her. Like will she have to date him or pretend to date him? Having that clue could help your pitch out a lot. For example:
Chris's high school enemy can help her social standing if she'll swallow her pride to [X]. #PitMad YA
Since you're mentioning school and that it's a YA book, I don't think you need to mention her age. It's easy to guess she's in the 14-18 range. Save those characters!
Hi Ellie - I really like this too and agree with the other comments. Very small thing: In the first sentence, I know you're trying to avoid the repetition of "by" by saying "at night" and then "by night," but my brain wanted "by night" to be in bother places so badly. My brain did an [admittedly very minor] trip-up on that part. Other than that, I think it's great. Good luck with it!
Ellen -
I think these are a good start. I'm still not getting a great sense of the plot, but contemps can be HARD to pitch using the plot as your hook. Can you get a bit more specific with what's stopping her from finding dad?
Also, I'm feeling like you have two (related) goals here. Her external goal of finding dad, and her internal goal of regaining her confidence. Maybe try writing two separate pitches to focus on each.
I'd definitely recommend rotating between at least 5 pitches during pitmad. Have one that really lays out the goal/stakes but then maybe also have a few that showcase different hooks of your story (Voice/Character Arc/Quirky element (MJF)/Book or movie comparisions etc).
Maybe one that mentions MJF ... one that captures the voice of your narrator ... one that really shows us her OCD-ness. I think that latter would be a really important pitch because a lot of agents are looking for diverse protagonists. Woo hoo!
You might also benefit from using OCD LOVE STORY as a comp, if it fits, or if you have another comp, using OCD + other comp in the pitch... like: It's "OCD Chasing Jordan" or something like that.
Of the ones you posted, for me, the thing that really caught my eye was the Back To The Future reference. Love it! But I think the pitch could benefit from more specifics. It made me wonder ... how is she going to go about getting MJF's attention? How does she think he can help her? Is she going to stalk him? If so, (or even if she obsesses about him a lot in the book), it might be really fun to have a pitch where she's going "I will not stalk Michael J. Fox, I will not stalk Michael J. Fox ... oops" ... or something to that effect)
But yeah, I think it would be best to write a few, as particularly for contemporary stories, it can be hard to figure out what exactly is going to pique an agent's interest: Plot, Voice, Character, Comps etc.
Random idea, and it might be overused but if she's hyper-organized, you could try a pitch that's a list ... like "1) Ignore voices in head 2) Find Dad 3) Don't stalk Michael J Fox"
Hi Chris. I would like the second pitch more if the murderous fame-seeker's connection to his brother's slander were clearer. "Fame-seeker" and "wants the spotlight" are sort of redundant, so you could strike one to clarify the connection.
Hmmm...not sure this one is better. What would happen if the last humans (the creators) were to be exposed? Reads vaguely to me personally. Based on past comments, I still want to know why the MC needs to choose between these two camps. And yeah - perhaps try to find a way to show the Lyken's uncertainty as to which one he needs to choose. A tall order, I know. These twitter pitches are tough, aren't they!?
Carissa - thank you for taking so much time and thought on my silly little pitch. Wow, this is all super helpful! I love your random idea. Yes, contemporary literary fiction is tricky for a 140 character twitter pitch.
Thoughts?
Kathryn thinks meeting her dad will ease the torutres of growing up. How can a movie star who travelled back to the future help? #Pitmad #YA
14yo Kathryn can’t turn back time to find her dad, so obviously she’s on the hunt for a guy who once travelled BackToTheFuture. #Pitmad #YA
I really like #3! You keep amping it up. Nice touch :)
How about:
#PitMad #PB #HF The Yanks are banishing Emma & Mama from TN. How can Emma smuggle meds to Papa for wounded pts. Getting caught = jail.
Thank you for your comment! I appreciate the insight.
Thank you!! I appreciate your feedback.
Thanks! I'll work on it.
Thanks, Ava! I will work on it!
Milo's dilemma: When the dragon attacks, obey
his king by slaying the beast, or spare it to save the kingdom. A GNATT'S TALE #YA #F #pitmad
Hi Ava, as with so many others I currently have 3 (planning on using at least two of them next week) would love some feedback. Thanks, thanks, thanks xoxo
16yo MILA survived the viral apocalypse but THE UTOPIANS won’t stop until every survivor is dead. TOMORROW series + DRAGON TATTOO #pitmad
Everyone 16yo MILA knows is dead. Enter the world’s sexiest man. If only she wasn’t running for her life. #YA Marsden meets Larsson. #pitmad
Everyone you know is dead. Anti-overpopulation cult THE UTOPIANS are hunting you down. Get out of Auckland. Run. Now. #YA #thriller #pitmad
I really like the 3rd one for the voice but it doesn't tell you much (eg why does the whole school turn against her). I think #2 probably describes the plot a little better. Perhaps use both?? :)
#3 does it for me, great voice, could certainly do with more clarity on why he's top of the list but with only 140 characters I totally get why the info's not there.
Thanks for taking the time to do this :) would love to know what you think:
Gemma was turned into a demon against her will. She will do anything in her new power to protect her family from the same fate. NAUF #PitMad
If Gemma doesn’t do anything stupid, her twin Jonny won’t find out she’s been changed into a demon. Yeah, as if. NAUF #PitMad
21yo Gemma watched her house implode with her parents and sister inside. Then things got worse. NAUF #PitMad
It's so good! I really enjoyed it. And I don't think most people will be bothered by the filter phrase. It's more of a pet peeve because I'm so anal about removing them from my writing. :)
I love (LOVE) the comps, but they do take up a lot of characters. I think the first one is closest to covering the MC/Stakes/Plot/Genre, but I also really liked the urgency of the third. The term anti-overpopulation raised some questions for me (like if they are just against over population, why is your MC specifically in the firing line?), not sure if this helps understand THE UTOPIANS motivation, or if THE UTOPIANS can be simplified as the bad guys and more characters dedicated to the MC's plight.
Hi Zoe, I think the first one is best here because Gemma has a clear motivation and personal stake, but I don't see what exactly she has to do with her new power. Is it taking down whoever turned Gemma into a demon? Killing all the demons in the world? "doing anything" is a little vague, and a specific goal would make this much stronger.
Minor thing, but I'm wondering if you should separate NA and UF into separate hashtags because some agents probably track via hashtags?
Thank you for your response and interest. I hope this and the other pitches I'm submitting to PitMad get an agent interested in these very questions. I address them all in the Query and Synopsis then start the Novel with Milo squaring off against the dragon in an in medias res.
My other pitches are scheduled for next week.
Save the Dragon, save the Kingdom. Milo wants to
slay the attacking dragon but doing so will doom the kingdom.
To obey his king, Milo must slay the attacking
dragon, but he knows doing so will doom the kingdom.
When the dragon attacks, Milo must slay it to
obey his king, but doing so will doom the kingdom.
Milo’s torn between two masters: one demands a dragon’s
head, but the other says that would doom the kingdom.
17-year-old Milo can save his family from the
rampaging dragon but will doom the kingdom if he slays it.
Hi SKT,
So of the three, I think your first two are strongest, but they both have a similar issue: I'm not 100% clear on what the stakes are, and I also agree with @C.M. Lloyd that it'd be better if we knew HOW the "it" boy will help her save her reputation.
As for the stakes issue, I want to know why it matters that Chris's reputation is saved. What will happen if she DOESN'T save her reputation? If you answer that, we'll really be able to understand the gravity of the conflict.
I also agree with @jodymoller that the voice in your third one was interesting, but it's weakest in terms up telling us about the plot. I also feel that the bit about 4th period not coming soon enough tells us virtually nothing about what Chris's goal is (which is the driving force of the story).
So in summary, clarify Chris's goal (by showing us what she has to do to save her rep) and make the stakes clearer by showing us what'll happen if her reputation isn't saved.
I hope this helps! Good luck!
Hey Christopher, I think you can cut out "Milo's dilemma" and just say "When the dragon attacks, Milo must obey his king (and so on)". Right now the two sides of the debate are reasonably tilted towards saving the kingdom. What are the consequences of disobeying the king? I can reasonably guess it's prison or execution, but make it more explicit.
What's a gnatt, by the way? If it's an in-story term, you may want to consider leaving it out and avoiding the conclusion.
I'm new to your blog...really enjoying all the luscious info! Here's two pitches:
Shakespeare with a bark? A long-backed hero's journey on 4 crooked short legs. Will the dog bullies get him? #PitMad#MG
Broken leash. Wailing owner. Forsooth! Anon! The big wide world calls. Run, Shakestail! Run! #PitMad #MG
I AM LIKE THAT TOO. I have an entire round of revisions planned just for exterminating all of those. But I don't mind it as much in reading books :)
Hi there! You're so welcome! This has totally been a blast and it's been great to see people coming together to help each other. :)
So...this is interesting. Is it a Lucifer fall from heaven retelling? Except...with the roles reversed? I know Yhwh is considered a holy name of God...so you might want to be careful with that, especially as it seems like you're making him secular.
Anyway, as for your pitch...
My biggest issue looking at your pitches is I'm not clear, exactly, on what is happening. A few questions:
1) You mention parallel universes, space & time and Heaven, and I'm having trouble understand exactly where the conflict is taking place. It sounds like it's on another planet, so why the mention of Heaven? Is this happening in a parallel universe's heaven? The Christian Heaven? Why the mention the space and time?
2) Is this battle is literal (as in swords and armies) or philosophical (as you mention professors)?
3) HOW is Lucifer going to enslave humanity and Heaven? I'm also a little confused because you say he's evangelical...do you mean Christian? Are you saying that Lucifer is an evil Christian who wants to enslave humanity with religion? (I have no idea if that's what you're going for, but you have to be careful when you start using religious terms, because they automatically take on overtones and deeper meanings whether you want them to or not.)
4) HOW EXACTLY must Professor Tabbris stop Lucifer?
What we need here is clarification on your story, the specific goal, and the specific stakes. We have the general (battles and enslavement), now it's time to pare down into the heart of your book.
Good luck!
I prefer #4 - the stakes, mc, and plot are laid out clearly and simply, but still dramatic. I'm curious about the universe of Heaven - are the characters on an even footing or is it more of a David and Goliath dynamic?
Okay, let me just say, this is a really adorable premise. But the second one is really just a description. See if you can expand the first one--it has conflict now already, but add in the MC's main goal (freedom or sth else?), how the bullies are stopping him exactly (stealing his bones? interrupting the plays?), and what happens if he doesn't achieve the goal and/or what cost he has to pay. And maybe try to relate Shakespeare more to the dog? Because that's super interesting, but right now I don't really see how it does -- does the dog speak Shakespeare-style? He watches Shakespeare plays?
Hi Chris,
So before I jump in, do keep in mind that while you want agents and editors to be intrigued and ask some questions about where your story goes, if they have too many questions about the essential of your story (like some of the ones suggested by the critiquers above), they won't request at all. So be careful with that.
As for your pitches. I think the biggest issue I'm seeing is I'm not understanding why the king would demand the dragon was slayed if it was going to doom his kingdom (that seems kind of like it'd defeat the purpose, no?).
I'd like to see more specifics: for example, HOW will the kingdom be doomed? Will a curse be released on the land? Will other dragons show up and kill everyone? Why would slaying a dragon that's ravaging their lands equate to doom for the kingdom? I think it's important for us to know so that we can fully understand Milo's conflict.
I hope this helps! Good luck!
Hi Jody,
So of your pitches, I think your first and third are closest to getting to the heart of your story, but they still could use some tweaking. Your second pitch tells us virtually nothing about Mila's goal, the antagonist (i.e.: who she is running from) or what in the world the sexy guy has to do with the plot. (Besides being the sexy love interest, that is. :) ).
Of your first and third, I have the same questions:
1) Why is an anti-population cult hunting people down if "everyone you know" is dead? That sounds like almost everyone is dead, so haven't the anti-population people won?
2) Why is Mila, specifically, a target? (Also, why is her name in all-caps?)
3) What is Mila's goal? We need more than survival here—she must have SOME plan to ensure permanent survival, rather than a day-to-day on-the-run existence, right? What is it?
4) Once you answer that, what's stopping Mila from achieving that goal?
As a final note, it looks like you've been working hard to try to get your title into the pitch, but I recommend you save the characters to explain the questions above. Cool titles are nice and all, but they aren't going to get you requests—a great pitch with all of the important elements answered, will. :)
I hope this helps! Good luck!
Hi Zoe,
So I agree with Alyssa that the first one is the strongest, and I also think it still needs some tweaks. (Your second two don't tell us anything about Gemma's goal (her house implodes, okay, now what?), what's at stake (why does it matter, for example, if Jonny finds out she's a demon?) or who is standing between her and her goal. I also advise against using general, vague statements like "Then things got worse"—it doesn't tell us anything about your story).
As for your first pitch, I'd like to see it restructured to answer these questions:
1) What SPECIFICALLY is Gemma's goal? (i.e.: What will she do to protect her family? "Anything" is much too vague—tell us details specific to your MS!)
2) What is stopping her from achieving that goal?
3) Why does this matter? Gemma seems to be living okay as a demon—why is it so important that it doesn't happen to her family. What will happen if she fails to protect them?
I also agree that separating NA and UF into different hashtags would make it easier for people browsing those feeds to see your pitch.
I hope this helps! Good luck!
Hi Helen!
Firstly, welcome to Writability! If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask. :)
As for your pitches, I agree 100% with Alyssa. I'd love to see the connection to Shakespeare and the dog be more explicit. Also, make sure you answer these three questions in any pitch you use:
1) What is your MC's goal?
2) What is standing between your MC and their goal?
3) What will happen if your MC fails to achieve their goal? (What do they have to lose? These are your stakes).
I hope this helps! Your premise sounds totally adorable, and I wish you all the best! :)
Shakespeare with a bark! Interesting twist and I like the first pitch the best. But I'm not clear why he is traveling. Is it adventure or to seek safety? And what will hold him back, the bullies or some inner conflict?
I have that answered on my Twitter, just in case it comes up professionally as often as it comes up at this stage.
"A Gnatt is what happens after a hobbit boffs a monkey. Do I still have your attention? A GNATT'S TALE is what follows as the first novel of A Short Series."
How about this;
Shakestail's owner taught him to love the Bard. Will his big ego trip his paws when he breaks his leash and runs away? #PitMad #MG
Ava, Thank you for taking the time to reply. I thought I missed the window.
The three of you have inspired some changes. Thank you, ZoeR, Alyssa, and Ava.
A king out to avenge his father’s death orders
Milo to slay the dragon, but doing so would doom the kingdom. A GNATT'S TALE #PitMad
#F #YA
A dragon can save the kingdom from invading
monsters, but a king out to avenge his dad orders Milo to slay it. A GNATT'S
TALE #PitMad #F #YA
Hi Zoe, I like the idea of ancient clues, but I don't really understand what Ren needs to do. I think adding more specifics about how she could save the world and what is in the way would help. "What is yet to be discovered" is also interesting, but vague enough that I think it needs a bit more. Good luck!
Nice job revising Alyssa! I've seen some pitchers separate a line to give it more impact. It doesn't cost any characters either. So you could do that with the line &become a widow. That's a terrifying thought for those of us who like our hubbies. Maybe to give it more impact you could qualify what her relationship is with her husband??
Hi! Thanks for doing this, Ava! Here's my pitch: After her car crashes &kills a baby, a Native Am teen has a shot at redemption but it threatens her new fame as a gospel singer. #YA #Pitmad
I also like the second pitch. I have a better sense of what's going on. I think you can remove deadly, since it's pretty much understood that there's carnage in war. Could you also use the word pawn in place of powerful ally? That buys you some more characters. So does Patchi's suggestion below. Great pitch otherwise! I'd read it!
Patchi, it's a killer trying to get it down to 140 characters!!! This sounds like a great story--but I'm not really sure what a shrouded goddess is. I don't read a lot of fantasy, so it might just be ignorance on my part:-) One thing I've noticed with pitches that get favorited--there's either a vivid sense of irony or some humor. Waterbending in the rainforest is a cool image--and conveys a bit of irony--to me at least!
I agree with making the first line simply 11yo Alex's a shapeshifting dragon. (Was she human first??) I'm just wondering since Alex is a very human name:-)
Ava, you are awesome for helping us with our pitches. I appreciate any comments. Okay, I have 3 possibilities:
Shy girl makes friends when beer-guzzling dad’s in
jail. Her dilemma on his return: trust him or revert to hermit mode. #pitmad MG
contemp
Beer-guzzling dad’s in jail & shy girl makes
friends. He returns, claiming sobriety. Now it’s trust him or revert to hermit
mode. #pitmad MG
With beer-guzzling dad in jail, shy girl makes
friends but his release means: trust he’s sober or return to being a loner. #pitmad MG
Thanks Ava and ZoeR for your comments. Those first pitches certainly raised plenty of questions. Too many for the purpose of a tweet. So I simplified them down to the essentials but kept some odd stuff to generate interest to read more.
1) In a upside down #SFF tale, a secular Yahweh struggles against a pious Lucifer with humans in a parallel universe at stake #PitMad
2) In a upside down #SFF tale, secular Yahweh struggles against pious Lucifer with the freewill of humans in parallel universe at stake #PitMad
Thanks Ava and ZoeR for your comments. Those first pitches certainly raised plenty of questions. Too many for the purpose of a tweet. So I simplified them down to the essentials but kept some odd stuff to generate interest to read more.
In a upside down #SFF tale, a secular Yahweh struggles against a pious Lucifer with humans in a parallel universe at stake #PitMad
In a upside down #SFF tale, secular Yahweh struggles against pious Lucifer with the freewill of humans in parallel universe at stake #PitMad
Hi Melissa... This is a very interesting story. Not sure what the risk is for the first and second pitches, however. What's her inner drive--love for dad or fear of what a returning drunk may do? Is it physical harm or mental disappointment? Also I wonder if it makes sense to even mention the friend in the third pitch or at least show how that person would influence the decision and consequences.
It's a real challenge to boil down a complicated story into less than 140 characters and still generate excitement. Wow!!!
Hi Helen, I think this pitch is better-how about eliminating the question and making the stakes clearer, though: When he runs away, he'll have to tame his ego or [negative consequence]. I do think this is a fun MG premise. Good luck!
I think I liked this one best, because it gives clear stakes for Milo : family vs. kingdom rather than the king's desire vs. the kingdom's fate.
17-year-old Milo can save his family from the
rampaging dragon but will doom the kingdom if he slays it.
Hi, I think I like revision #2 best. By saying "upside down" "secular Yahweh" and "pious Lucifer" it's clearly a retelling and the stakes are clearer.
Melissa, I think I like the first of the three best. It seems clearer to me. But I agree with Korbibtor that these are lacking stakes. I can infer that she has to choose between trusting Dad/having friends or not, but it's not clear. Also, see if you can find a way to make the dilemma seem more meaningful:
Alcoholic Dad is released from jail. ??yo ____ must trust him to be good, or lose her new best friend forever. PitMad #MG Contemp
You still have a few characters to work with.
Hi again. I agree with the others.
I like the 4th the best, because it is the smoothest and cleanest. But I wonder if you might take a different tack and call it a retelling with a sci-fi twist, that way you don't have to explain all of the plot. Or
In a parallel universe gods of good and evil battle for the fate of humankind.
Good luck!
Thank you so much for offering this!
Each time I've tried to come up with a different version of my pitch, I've ended up commenting on a different part of the plot (such as mentioning the conflict of a subplot as well as the main plot) and I'm not sure if that's a good or a distracting thing...
Here are my top three attempts - any feedback on the best one or how to improve them would be appreciated!
Elana only joined the slayers to survive. After killing an assassin in self defence, she must choose: her vow of pacifism or fight to save her city. #PitMad #SFF
#NA
Elana kills her assassin. So much for sneaking in. With a necromancer’s help and the rebels magic, can she bring an end to her uncle’s murderous reign? #PitMad #SFF #NA
Elana kills an assassin while undercover. Now they know she’s here. She needs to gain the rebels trust before her uncle silences her. #PitMad #NA #SFF
The last two interest me because the first one feels kind of passive, while in #2 and #3 he sounds like a more active character (race to solve / his plan was).
I like the 3rd one the best--especially the phrase "before her uncle silences her." The first gives good background but I don't know the consequences (which is better expressed in the third pitch). The second pitch tells me the uncle's role but you may want to use a simpler word than"necromancer" to save space.
John, I like the last one. Best and it provides u opportunity to save a few characters. Get ride of the word "but" and perhaps hint at what those dreams are.
I think the final one really describes the story, and has a sense of action. We know the conflict in all three, but the story (i presume?) is the journey to escape these Utopians: Running from them. It also contains the genres which I think are crucial in a contest like this.
This is intriguing, although I'd say that we're uncertain as to what exactly her motivation is.
Why did she follow the clues, and how does following the clues allow her to save the world? Can you tell us a little more about what following the clues is (solving puzzles/travelling to different areas of a map/fighting visions...)
Hi. A quick question: you list genres F, SF, PNR, etc. But on Brenda Drake's sight, she only lists SFF and R (http://www.brenda-drake.com/pitmad/). I consider mine romantic fantasy, but typically go with PNR. Is that a mistake? Help! It's my first time.
, but she is the only seer to see the end of everything?
Hi! You're not doing anything wrong. I'm pretty sure she was just giving examples, not showing THE ONLY abbreviations you can use. If you're writing a Paranormal Romance, then PNR is your tag. :)
You. Are. Awesome. Thx so much. So glad I found your blog. Would've screwed that one had I not seen this. :)
Help me, please. Here are my three faves. Which is best? Start from scratch?
1. Legally Blonde meets Game of Thrones in sexy PNR. The search for Stella's form reveals more than DNA. Can she escape enslavement? #PitMad
.2. Can Stella escape enslavement or will her sought-after RARE FORM be used as a weapon for doom, like ancestors before her. NA PNR #PitMad
3. Legally Blonde meets Game of Thrones in steamy, snarky NA PNR. Fiery 23yo Stella takes on new world, new men, new scaly body. #PitMad
Follow up: Must I # the genre? For example:
#PitMad #PNR or just #PitMad PNR
Either is acceptable, but if you hashtag it, people browsing that tag (looking for that genre) will see your pitch, too.
I like the second one--it shows some voice, which I think is important.
You do need to make "rebels" in second and third ones possessive, though, and unless you're wanting to publish outside the US, defense is spelled without a "c."
Gee, I replied last night, but I don't see my comments. Catayl, your thoughts are so helpful!!
Love that last random idea.
Here's one of my latest:
Kathryn thinks meeting her dad will ease the torture of growing up. How can a movie star who travelled BackToTheFuture help?#Pitmad #YA
Share your latest here or on Twitter :) @thisgirlclimbs
Sounds like a steamy story here...humm!!! Anyway, is Stella the Legally Blonde in your first pitch? If so, you may not want to mention her twice and use that precious 140 char real estate to better explain the MC's goal, motivation and consequences and plot. For example, it's not clear to me if Stella is the one doing the searching or is it someone else. So for the first pitch, what is the consequence--enslavement or the surprise from the mystery DNA? The second pitch may need better linkage between the Rare Form weapon of doom and enslavement. May be best to tweet about one or the other but not both at the same time. The third pitch is my favorite... but for the wrong reasons in that it doesn't make clear the MC's goal or consequences of failure.
It "ain't" easy condensing a complex plot into < 140 characters. But my experience these last few days on this blog has help me describe my story in new and interesting ways and I'm sure you see the same.
Good luck to everyone as we journey together!
Thanks for doing this! Which pitch do you think is better?
A) FARSTEPS: Jona rediscovers a lost ability to cross realms, which might just destroy magic itself. Fantasy, adventure, love. NAF #PitMad
B) Jona grasps ability to cross realms, is trapped as political pawn, & might just destroy magic itself. Fantasy,adventure,love. NAF. #PitMad
Thanks so much for your comments, Ava! Mine is what could be qualified as a 'quiet' novel (i.e., not a lot of high stakes situations). So pitches are a challenge for me. But I'll definitely keep working on it. Thanks again!
Thanks so much, Jody! These pitches are pretty hard to nail down so I really appreciate your help.
Thanks so much!
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