Fixing the First Page Feature #12

Photo credit: hehaden on Flickr

It’s nearly July, which means it’s time for this month’s fixing the first page critique! Woot! As these things go, I'll start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I'll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (I'm just one person with one opinion!), as long as it's polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be unceremoniously deleted.

Let’s do this.

Title: ALMENDRA’S JOURNEY

Genre/Category: YA Fantasy

First 250:

“Almendra opened her eyes on the seventh chime of the clock. She quickly sat up, stretched and smiled. Just then the door to her room opened and in entered a large, grey wolf with a tray on his back. 

‘Good morning, Woo,’ said Almendra, her face splitting into a grin. She pecked the wolf on the nose and took a large mug of hot tea from the tray. Breathing in the familiar scent of mint, she clutched the cup in her hands and raised it into the air like one would a goblet at a feast, her hazel eyes alight with humour. 

‘Cheers!’ she said loudly and ‘May today be the day!’ before bringing the cup to her lips, an expression of bliss on her face. Woo walked towards the window and drew back the curtains with the help of his teeth – the sky outside was murky grey. Almendra drank up her tea and placed it back onto the tray just as Woo was leaving the room. 

In one big leap, she bounded out of bed, ran across the carpeted floor and slipped behind the screen, her long, brown hair flying in her wake. Almendra picked up a thick rope, lying in a coil on the floor, with an iron hook on one end, then wound it around a huge wheel it was fixed to on the other end, opened the window and threw the rope down. 

A second later the hook hit the ground with a clunk.”

Okay. So I’ve frequently mentioned that characters waking up is a somewhat overused opening, and whether or not it’s working here is hard to say based off just the first 250 words. Right now, the biggest thing I’m noticing (besides some wordiness which I’ll address in a minute) is a) there isn’t any hint of conflict and b) I’m not really sure what’s going on. Obviously I don’t expect everything to be explained in the first page, but there are a few things here that could be expanded on, like what Almendra is doing near the end of the excerpt. Does she always go out her window like that? Is she not allowed to leave and sneaking out her window?

As I’m not sure what the conflict is here, it could be interpreted as Almendra’s daily morning ritual, in which case I’d recommend moving the opening closer to the inciting incident.

Also, I like her wolf. :)

Okay, now the in-line edits.

“Almendra opened her eyes on the seventh chime of the clock. As I said above, I’m hesitant to recommend opening with your character waking up. It’s been done a lot, and as this doesn’t look particularly different (character wakes up, has breakfast, leaves), I think you may want to consider starting later in your story. She quickly sat up, stretched and smiled. Jjust then as the door to her bedroom door opened and in entered a large, grey wolf with a tray on his back entered. 

‘Good morning, Woo,.’ said Almendra, her face splitting into a grin. She pecked the wolf on the nose and took a large mug of hot tea from the tray. Breathing in the familiar scent of mint, she clutched the cup in her hands and raised it into the air like one would a goblet at a feast, her hazel eyes alight with humour. The bits that I’m recommending you cut are phrases and words that I feel aren’t really pulling their weight and/or read a little clunky.

‘Cheers!’ she said loudly and ‘May today be the day!’ she said loudly before bringing the cup to her lips and sighing with the first sip, an expression of bliss on her face. Or something like that. But rather than saying there’s an expression of bliss on her face, it’d be more effective to show how that bliss makes her react physically, so we can put two and two together without being told. Woo walked towards the window and drew back the curtains with the help of his teeth – the sky outside was murky grey. Almendra drank up her tea and placed it back onto the tray just as Woo was leaving left the room. Now that I’m reading this a second time, I’m more sure than ever that this opening is starting too soon. The issue is nothing has really happened, so the opening doesn’t hook you in as well as it could. The bit about her wolf is interesting, but I think it could be shown a different way that doesn’t require us seeing her morning routine. 

In one big leap, sShe bounded out of bed, ran across the carpeted floor and slipped behind the screen, her long, brown hair flying in her wake. There’s no way she did all of that in one leap unless she can fly. You may want to consider rewording. Almendra picked up a thick rope, lying in a coiled on the floor, with an iron hook on one end, then wound it around a huge wheel it was fixed to on the other end, opened the window and threw the rope down. 

A second later tThe hook hit the ground with a clunk.”

So I’m thinking overall, the biggest issue is there isn’t enough going on in the opening to really pull me in, which could be relatively easily fixed by moving the opening closer to the inciting incident. Other than that, there’s also some wordiness here, which usually indicates wordiness throughout the MS, so I recommend you take some time to go through your WIP and look specifically for places where you could condense your sentences.

I like the glimpse of the world we’ve gotten here, and I’m definitely curious about that wolf and what kind of world Almendra lives in that a wolf can bring her tea. :) This sounds like it could be an interesting story, we juts need a stronger hook to pull readers in. If I were to see this in the slush, I’d probably pass for that reason.

I hope this helps! Thanks for sharing your first 250, Farida!

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.@Ava_Jae talks starting in the right place & wordiness in the 12th Fixing the 1st Page critique. (Click to tweet)