Writability: How (Not) to Be a Successful Blogger

Photo credit: marsmet544 on Flickr

While the Great Blogging Bubble is a thing of the past, as every single one of you reading this can testament, blogging is still very much a thing that is alive and well. New writers take up the call to online journaling every day, while others jump ship, leaving their blogs to gather virtual dust online (or, alternatively, obliterating them altogether).

So it is little surprise that many surf the interwebz to try to glean insight as to what makes a blog popular, how to gather more traffic for their new online venture and how, ultimately, to be a successful blogger.

Well, my fellow web-surfer. You have come to the right blog.

From the mysterious blast of ingenious insight that brought you the likes of How to Write a Masterpiece and How (Not) to Write the Perfect Query Letter, I bring you ten secrets to being a successful blogger:

10 Golden Rules to Blogging Success*:

Write ridiculously long sentences and paragraphs and actually it’s best if the post is one hugenormously long paragraph (no shorter than 1000 words because really, who wants to waste their time reading a tiny post?) because everyone knows that the more words you fit into a sentence the better the sentence is and also, no one wastes their precious time skipping from one paragraph to the next anymore so you might as well fit whatever you can into one single large paragraph (or title, if you’re that skilled). The heading basically says it all, I think.

LIGHT COLORS ON A DARK BACKGROUND—OOH IT’S SO PURDY. Without pretty, eye-popping colors to give your readers the migraine of a lifetime, your little blog will never be remembered.

ALSO EVERYONE LOVES CAPS LOCK. WHAT’S THE POINT OF EVEN TURNING CAPS LOCK OFF ANYWAY HUH? PLUS IT’S COOL BECAUSE SUDDENLY YOUR READERS WILL READ WITH AN EXTRA-LOUD VOICE IN THEIR MINDS SO IT’S KIND OF LIKE YOU’RE EMPHASIZING YOUR POINT WITH YOUR LOUDNESS. READERS LOVE LOUDNESS.

Comment on other people’s blogs about your blog. There’s little point in commenting if you don’t leave a link to your blog, anyway.

Ignore your blog comments. It’s not like your readers actually appreciate when you take the time to answer their comments, so why bother?

Change up your blog topics. Everyone knows your readers will get bored if you start doing that thing where you consistently write about one topic.

Only post once or twice a year. Too much more and you might clog up your subscribers’ feeds, which in turn could scare them away.

Proper grammar and spelling is conforming. aND ur nawt a cuhnformisst R U?

Only post about your one-eyed gerbil, Alfredo. Because, as I’m sure you already know, the one-eyed gerbil is the international mascot of the blogging world, so no one really wants to hear about anything else, anyway.

Don’t put any thought into the design of your blog. No one cares about the design; they just want to know about Alfredo.

And just like that, the secrets to gaining a raving horde of fans for your blog are yours. Use them wisely.

* = Please don't actually do any of this. Please?

What blogging secrets would you add to the list?