How to Write a Masterpiece

Late Saturday night: after a particularly whimsical session of #wordmongering, I was chatting with fellow mongerer @Babseth, when we were struck with a lightning bolt of inspiration—the gates of heaven were opened to us and the secrets of writing a masterpiece were downloaded directly into our minds.

I guess you just had to be there.

Being the generous person that I am, I decided to write down these surefire ways to complete a novel of brilliance. Don’t skip any steps. They are all essential.

Golden Writing Advice Right Here, People:

1. Linear plots are overrated. Readers enjoy trying to figure out what the hell is going on. It’s an adventure.
2. Consistent character development? Pshh!
3. 100% evil, mustache-twirling villains are a must. WHERE IS YOUR VILLIAN’S MOUSTACHE? And he should probably be bald, too.
4. Don’t waste your time establishing setting—especially not setting that will be important later on.
5. Foreshadowing? Completely superfluous.
6. Don’t even THINK about cutting that lengthy telephone conversation about the neighbor’s dog and the scene where your MC ordered delicious food at the restaurant. Enough said.
7. Every outfit must be meticulously described—down to the last painted toenail.
8. We need to know every aspect of every characters background—from birth to present day.
9. Remember to start your story with either your characters waking up/looking into a mirror or a really long, irrelevant prologue about another character you’ll never hear about again. Clearly, there are no other legitimate ways to start a novel.
10. The twist readers will never see coming: IT WAS ALL JUST A DREAM! *queue Twilight zone music*
11. Include flashbacks in every chapter, especially flashbacks about adorable childhood memories. I mean…he was just so cute!
12. Your manuscript isn’t finished unless you’ve reached 200k words. 199k? KEEP WRITING.
13. Invent your own spelling and grammar. This is a creative field! Shakespeare did it, why don’t you?
14. Precise, effective language is boring. Show off your pretty writing with flowery metaphors and similes.
15. Varying sentence and paragraph length is a completely waste of time that will clearly only give your readers anxiety attacks. Lull them into your writing with uniform sentences instead.

Brilliance, I know. In case you missed the dripping sarcasm, here’s some real advice:

Do the opposite of everything you just read. I can’t guarantee you’ll have a masterpiece on your hands if you do, but you’ll certainly be better off.

Now, as for that lightning bolt of inspiration…

Do you have any not-advice you’d like to share? Share them below!