Survivor's Guide: The Internet Abyss

So as many of you know, I was deprived of internet for over 24 hours. It was a trying time in which I began to suffer serious withdrawals around the 30-hour mark. Ok, I exaggerate, but I really wanted to check my Twitter…and blog…and everything else.

Thankfully I have just about the best tweeps known to man who RTed my corny pre-scheduled tweets like no tomorrow so that Friday’s blog post didn’t suffer a painful and lonely death.  I also had an epiphany and was able to fix my Facebook like box and add it to the blog just moments after I reconnected to the internet. (See it? Isn’t it pretty?)

It’s beautiful, I know.

ANYway, I thought it’d be fun to create a guide for surviving lack of internet. I’ve titled it…


Catchy, right? It’s catchy.

So here we go. The brief, and life-saving Survivor’s Guide:

The Internet Abyss is a frightening, dangerous place and must not under any circumstances be entered unprepared. Venturing into such a place without training or tools for survival may cause serious injury or death.

I barely escaped with my own life.

Should you ever find yourself in the abyss, take these steps to ensure you escape unharmed.

DON’T PANIC. I know it’s terrifying. The little red “X” over the internet access symbol is enough to send even the most experienced veterans into cardiac arrest. Take a deep breath and know that this is temporary. Breathe in, breathe out, relax.

Repeat after me: This is only temporary. This is only temporary.

SHINY DISTRACTIONS. FIND THEM. My shiny distraction was a brainstorming notebook. Once I regulated my breathing, I found a pencil and began sketching out a WIP. I didn’t finish, but I made a lot of progress. You can too.

Other productive distractions: Books, Microsoft Word, bills, grocery shopping, NOTEBOOKS, to-do list, books. Prioritize as you wish (but books are there twice for a reason).

Other (less productive) distractions (but equally shiny): Movies, cupcakes, music, ferrets, confetti, puppies, video games and that song that’s been stuck in your head all day (Arabian Nights, anyone? No? Ok, just me then.)

GET A BUDDY. Strange things happen to people when they’re isolated. They start pacing, rocking back and forth, talking to themselves and occasionally even find an old volleyball to be their new best friend. Don’t enter the Internet Abyss alone if you can help it. Your mental health may suffer.

UPON ESCAPE…REJOICE! And create your own Survivor’s Guide. So, you know, your friends don’t suffer the same fate as you.

Oh yes. And since you have internet now, watch this because it’s pretty hysterical:

Have you entered the Internet Abyss? What survival tips do you have? 


The East Coaster said...

There is no coming back. There's just repeated pushing of refresh, rapid un and replugging of cables, gnashing of teeth and lying spent in the floor, shaking an angry fist to the fates.

At least, that's how I spent yesterday.

Baby steps.

Gabe (Ava Jae) said...

Shaking an angry fist to the fates is the most important part.

It's good to see another survivor from the angry depths of lack of internet. There is indeed hope for other poor souls who are lost in the abyss.

Krista said...

Okay, so I started writing a comment about how sometimes I don't even notice when my internet went out. But then I realized the truth is I use the internet tons and it does frustrate me when it goes out.

So, I guess I don't really notice from a social/connecting point of view. (My hermit tendencies see to that). But when I want to actually do something on the internet I get really frustrated.

On another note: I am a continual clicker. My husband often tells me. "Just click it once and wait!"

I never listen and end up with 20+ windows when if finally works!

Jennie Bennett said...

LOVE the literal video, seriously makes me laugh until I cry every time :)

Unknown said...

Omg, I almost died... this video is hysterical!!! But then again, you warned me. He has no nose... omg where's the guy's nose?! :D

Ahem. Your post is fine too... amusing as ever. :P

My guide.. well I've found myself in this situation lots of times and the only solution is.. go to the library where the Internet flows like a free river of goodness and stock on sweets and coke and sandwiches. The end.

Gabe (Ava Jae) said...

Glad everyone's liked the video! I know it makes me giggle every time. :D

Continual clicking is a definite temptation. I tend to click in and out so I keep opening and closing the same window until it works. Except I usually get too frustrated to keep that up fro very long.

Also, sweets and coke and sandwiches sound straight out delicious. Except coke. Not a fan of coke. But Sprite is yummy. And Ginger Ale. And Iced Tea.

I digress...

S.P. Sipal said...

Thanks for the laugh, but true, post, Ava. I went without Internet for over 2 days last week! Oh, the agony! I had to tap into a PC at the local library to get my fix for the 2 hrs allowed. It wasn't pretty. :-0

Ojg Techbee said...

Hi there, awesome site. I thought the topics you posted on were very interesting. I tried to add your RSS to my feed reader and it a few. take a look at it, hopefully I can add you and follow.

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