Fixing the First Page Feature #36

Photo credit: chris_ford_uk on Flickr

July is arriving and the 36th Fixing the First Page Feature has finally arrived. Yay!

As usual, I'll start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I'll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (because I'm one person with one opinion!), as long as it's polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be unceremoniously deleted.

Here we go!

Title: TO BE IMPROVED

Genre/Category: YA Contemporary/LGBT

First 250 words:

"I check my phone: 4:05 p.m. We’re supposed to start at four, so I get up and peer through the door with the plaque reading Farid Ansari, LPC. 

Mr. Ansari’s office is full of all sorts of sculptures on the window panes and his desk. A couple of paintings hang on the walls, along with his framed certificates. Overall, it’s borderline cluttered, but I shouldn’t be complaining since my room’s not always the tidiest... 

Mr. Ansari turns to me, and his face brightens. 'Come in Sam,' he calls. 'I'll be with you in a second.'

I sink into one of the black leather chairs and wait for him, looking out the window at the street. 

'Hello Sam,' he says as he rolls his desk chair to mine. 'How are you doing?' 

Whether it’s the first time or the fifth time, my nerves still start jumping. It’s not always easy to talk about your feelings like this, especially when you know it’s someone who’s getting paid to put you under a microscope, dissect you, and find out what’s wrong with your life.

'I’m fine,' I say. 'Uh, school’s been going on for a couple of weeks now.' Mr. Ansari keeps his gaze on me. I tap my fingers as I think of what to say. My heartbeat picks up. 'I’m doing all right in my classes…' 

He nods. 'That’s good. Are you enjoying yourself?' Somehow, his gaze seems to intensify, like he’s switching to a higher powered lens on the microscope."

Okay! So before I talk about the sample itself, I have a quick note on the way you categorized your book. I actually recommend against using the four-letter LGBT acronym when describing your book unless you actually have four protagonists, and one is lesbian, one is gay, one is bi, and one is trans. I'm guessing that isn't the case, though, so instead describe what aspect you're actually covering. For example, you can say f/f Contemporary, or m/m Contemporary, or YA Contemporary with a bi protagonist, etc. Be specific. 

Now for the sample itself. I think this opening is written well enough, but I'm not sure it's really so compelling that I'd feel the urge to keep reading—which is obviously what you want, a strong hook to draw the readers in. I think the main issue for me is at this point, there isn't much hint of conflict. Sure, Sam is nervous about talking to the psychiatrist, but why? They (and I'm using they, since Sam's gender is unclear) only talk about how they're doing fine in school and the only nervous-making thing they think about is they're not sure what to say. But I'd like to see a better hint of the upcoming conflict right up front. What exactly is Sam nervous about? Why are they seeing a psychiatrist? Is there something Sam doesn't want to say? I think by giving us a better picture of what's going on in Sam's head and specifically why they're there and how they feel about being there would help point to the upcoming conflict in a way that would draw readers in a little more.

Okay, now for the in-line edits: 

"I check my phone: 4:05 p.m. We’re supposed to start at four, so I get up and peer through the door with the plaque reading Farid Ansari, LPC. Made italic just to better differentiate the narrative and what Sam is reading.

Mr. Ansari’s office is full of all sorts of sculptures on the window panes and his desk. A couple of paintings hang on the walls, along with his framed certificates. Overall, it’s borderline cluttered, but I shouldn’t be complaining since my room’s not always the tidiest... 

Mr. Ansari turns to me, and his face brightens. 'Come in Sam,.' he calls. 'I'll be with you in a second.'

I sink into one of the black leather chairs and wait for him, looking out the window at the street. What does Sam see? This could be a good opportunity to hint at where Sam lives. Is it a wintry city street outside? A rolling spring landscape? Some orange and red autumn-tinted woods? Show us what Sam sees.

'Hello Sam,.' he says as hHe rolls his desk chair to mine. 'How are you doing?' 

Whether it’s the first time or the fifth time, my nerves still start jumping. It’s not always easy to talk about your feelings like this, especially when you know it’s someone who’s getting paid to put you under a microscope, dissect you, and find out what’s wrong with your life.

'I’m fine,' I say. 'Uh, school’s been going on for a couple of weeks now.' Mr. Ansari keeps his gaze on me. I tap my fingers as I think of what to say. My heartbeat picks up. 'I’m doing all right in my classes…' 

He nods. 'That’s good. Are you enjoying yourself?' Somehow, his gaze seems to intensifiesy, like he’s switching to a higher powered lens on the microscope." Nice ending image there. :)

So as you can see, for the most part it's just minor tweaks to get rid of some slight wordiness (like using action tags and dialogue tags in the same line), and an opportunity for more detailed description to help ground the readers. Like I said above, this is pretty well written to start with, so I'd just like to see some building and cleaning up to take it to the next level.

As is, if I were to see this in the slush, I'd pass as I said above, because I'm not currently drawn into the story as much as I would like. But I think with some tweaks to bring in more of the conflict earlier, you'll have a pretty solid set up.

I hope that helps! Thanks so much for sharing your manuscript with us, Jessica!

Twitter-sized bite:

.@Ava_Jae talks hinting early at conflict, building setting and more in the 36th Fixing the First Page Feature. (Click to tweet)