Fixing the First Page Feature #30

Photo credit: hharryus on Flickr

We're now in the final days of 2016. I've got a lot of mixed feelings about it, but the one definite positive thing is it's now time for the last Fixing the First Page Feature of 2016!

As usual, I'll start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I'll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (because I'm one person with one opinion!), as long as it's polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be unceremoniously deleted.

Let's do this.

Title: MOONCHILD

Genre/Category: YA Fantasy

First 250 words: 

"The priests are always telling me that my mother should never have bathed me in the moon. It sets a girl up for mischief, and worse as she gets older. Now that I’m nearing sixteen, I’m far too old to be forgiven for knowing things no natural person should. 

I remember the moon-baths clearly enough, even though I wasn’t quite four when my mother was found out and taken away to Temple. I remember being cold and cranky, whining and stomping as she stripped away my overdress and tunic.

'No, moma, no!' I would shout, my cries echoing off the garden walls. I must have woken up half the compound with my yelling, but no one ever shouted back or lit a lantern to see what all the commotion was. 

'Calm down, Luna, just calm down,' my mother would say. She tried to distract me with special full-moon songs, and showed me how the light played in the big, round basin. I did like to watch the silvery ribbons dash around the polished bottom, swirling like watersnakes. Sometimes she could win a giggle from me before I remembered that I wasn’t going to like what came next.

It wasn’t just the icy feeling of the night air against wet skin - I didn’t like the squirmy feeling the bright water woke in my belly. I’d thrash and protest the whole time, even though mother would promise better and better treats each time if I would just be good. 

I was never good."

Wow, interesting! This definitely has a cool fantasy feel and I'm super intrigued by the moon baths and what that means and where this is going. This is, however, a prologue, so I'm immediately wondering whether this is the right place to start. It's hard for me to really say one way or the other without reading the full prologue and checking out the first chapter, but generally, I tend to recommend flashback prologues are integrated into the story rather than starting way before the story starts and then jumping into the present day.

So props for an interesting opening, but be careful with prologues—I suspect you may be better off starting with the start of the story and incorporating this elsewhere. But either way this does set up some nice world building and intrigue so yay.

Now for the in-line edits.

"The priests are always telling told me that my mother should never have bathed me in the moon. Beautiful opening line and image—I also like how it sets up tension right away. Well done. It sets a girl up for mischief, and worse as she gets older. Now that I’m nearing sixteen, I’m far too old to be forgiven for knowing things no natural person should. Iiiiinteresting. :D

I remember the moon-baths clearly enough, even though I wasn’t quite four when they found my mother was found out and taken took her away to Temple. Adjusted to make the sentence active (vs passive). I remember being was cold and cranky, whining and stomping as she stripped away my overdress and tunic. Adjusted to remove filtering (I remember).

'No, moma, no!' I would shouted, my cries echoing off the garden walls. I must have woken up half the compound with my yelling, but no one ever shouted back or lit a lantern to see what all the commotion was. 

'Calm down, Luna, just calm down,' my mother would say said. She tried to distract me with special full-moon songs, and showed me how the light played in the big, round basin. I did liked to watch the silvery ribbons dash around the polished bottom, swirling like watersnakes. Sometimes she could win won a giggle from me before I remembered that I wasn’t going to like what came next.

It wasn’t just the icy feeling of the night air against wet skin - I didn’t like the squirmy feeling the bright water woke in my belly. Adjusted to remove some filtering and wordiness. I’d thrash and protest the whole time, even though mother would promised better and better treats each time if I'd would just be good. 

I was never good."

Okay, after reading this a second time, I'm more sure that the flashback part should be moved. However, I think I'd recommend the first paragraph was kept. It really sets up great tension and kicks off with some early world building, and I could easily see it used as a transition into the present day story rather than the flashback. I don't know exactly where the story actually starts, but I suspect it'd be easy enough to keep it as the opener even if the flashback is moved later in the narrative.

Other than that, the main thing I'm noticing is some wordiness and filtering, which I adjusted above, but I definitely recommend the author check the rest of her manuscript for both, because if there's this much in the first 250, it's a good signal there's probably plenty more throughout the book.

If I saw this in the slush I'd skim through the rest of the prologue and jump to the opening to see if it grabbed me.

I hope that helps! Thanks for sharing your first 250 with us, Juniper!

Would you like to be featured in the next Fixing the First Page critique? Keep an eye out for the first giveaway of 2017!

Twitter-sized bite: 

.@Ava_Jae talks prologues, great opening paragraphs, wordiness and more in the 30th Fixing the First Page Feature. (Click to tweet)