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| Photo credit: hdes.copeland on Flickr |
As it goes, I'll start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I'll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (because I'm one person with one opinion!), as long as it's polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be unceremoniously deleted.
Let's do this!
Title: BLACK FOG
Genre/Category: YA Paranormal Romance
First 250:
"I crumpled the exam and tossed it into the trash as I exited the school building. My A proving Lysol killed more germs than bleach was hard earned. I should’ve been proud, but the grade made me feel like Dad. Being a brainiac was a nerdy-coolness I needed to smother before I obsessed over science experiments like him.
'You could fail intentionally, yunno?' Tara suggested, walking into the parking lot by my side. Of course, my best friend knew my score. She also knew my grades were important to me to get into college to escape this gawd-awful town—away from my absent-for-life father, where at least he’d have an excuse not to see me.
I combed my fingers through my mop of hair. 'That’s stupid.'
Gravel crunched under our feet walking to her car. The sun warmed our skin. Tara stared past me and batted her lashes toward Anath. He gazed at me from a few cars down. 'Seriously Raeni, I think he’s crushing.'
I peeked over my shoulder at his tribal tattoo as his bronze arm swooped through the strap of his backpack. Long dark curls caressed his high cheek bones. It was hard not to look at him. His brown eyes locked onto mine. Caught, I turned away.
'Stop ogling.' I laughed at Tara, dropping my backpack on her hood. He watched.
'Talk to him, but not about your nightmares,' she whispered.
Now she thinks I’m brainless? Telling a guy I’m a nut-job won’t ever be on my to-do list."
Hmm, okay! I kind of have mixed feelings about the wanting to fail to look cool thing, if only because I'm not totally convinced that's really a thing? It's been several years since I've been in HS, but when I went it was super competitive and kids who got As were definitely not looked down on. In fact, the popular kids kind of had to perform at least decently well because they'd get kicked off their sports teams otherwise.
On another note, I like the slice of life thing you've got going here, but I'm wondering if there'd be a way to inject more of a hint to the upcoming conflict. This all seems very normal and I'm not sure it's functioning as a powerful enough hook.
Now for the in-line edits:
"I crumpled the exam and tossed it into the trash as I exited the school building. My A proving Lysol killed more germs than bleach was hard earned. I feel like this is grammatically off in terms of subject/object. The "A" didn't prove Lysol kills more germs than bleach—the report did—but the way this sentence is structured is a little confusing. I'd reword this to avoid anyone tripping over it (like I did). I should’ve been proud, but the grade made me feel like Dad. Being a brainiac was a nerdy-coolness I needed to smother before I obsessed over science experiments like him.
'You could fail intentionally, yunno?' Tara suggested, walking into the parking lot by my side. Of course, my best friend knew my score. She also knew my grades were important to me to get into college to escape this gawd-awful town I'd make this just "god-awful." To me, the "gawd" placement feels too much like an adult trying to sound teenager-y.—away from my absent-for-life father, where at least he’d have an excuse not to see me. This is great—really gets across her bitterness in a realistic way without drifting into woe is me territory.
I combed my fingers through my mop of hair. 'That’s stupid.'
Gravel crunched under our feet walking to her car. This is another place where the structure is confusing—it looks to me like you're saying the gravel is walking. I'd go with "Gravel crunched under our feet as we walked to her car." The sun warmed our skin. Tara stared past me and batted her lashes toward Anath. He gazed at me from a few cars down. 'Seriously Raeni, I think he’s crushing.' Do teens still say this? I would check with some actual teens to be sure.
I peeked over my shoulder at his tribal tattoo as his bronze arm swooped through the strap of his backpack. Long dark curls caressed his high cheek bones. It was hard not to look at him. His brown eyes locked onto mine. Caught, I turned away. There's nothing technically wrong with this protag checking out hot guy/gets caught looking encounter, but it's used a lot in YA, to the point where I feel like it's drifting into cliché territory. Be careful.
'Stop ogling.' I laughed at Tara, dropping my backpack on her hood. He watched. How does she know he's watching if she's not looking at him anymore? This may be a good place for some sensory details if she feels that prickly someone looking at you feel.
'Talk to him, but not about your nightmares,' she whispered. This kind of comes out of nowhere to me, in the sense that I don't see a logical reason why she would say that (and your protag doesn't seem to think there's a logical reason for her saying that, either). Like, telling a hot boy you have a crush on about your nightmares is not a common thing, so it looks to me that you're just trying to tell the readers your protag has nightmares, and if that's the case I think you may want to consider going about it in a more natural way.
Now she thinks I’m brainless? Telling a guy I’m a nut-job won’t ever be on my to-do list." My thoughts exactly. :)
Overall, I don't see too much technically wrong, but I feel like this is an opening I've read before. Not literally—I know I haven't read it—but these kind of set-ups are rather common and thus it doesn't really pull me in anymore. Spicing up the opening with a bigger hint to the upcoming conflict might help, or you may want to consider adjusting it to something a little less overdone. As is, if I saw this in the slush, I would pass.
I hope that helps! Thanks for sharing your first 250 with us, P.D.!
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