Fixing the First Page Feature #16

Photo credit: striatic on Flickr

November is nearly here! And I, for one, could not be more excited. Though I suppose that also means I really need to decide whether or not I'll be NaNoing this year, like, soon, but details, amirite? 

Ehem. Anyway. Let's start this month's fixing the first page critique, shall we?

As is the usual MO, I'll start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I'll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (I'm just one person with one opinion!), as long as it's polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be unceremoniously deleted.

Here we go. 

Title: IMPERIAL DAWN

Genre: YA Fantasy

First 250:

"Never trust a man who smiles as he stabs you in the back. Then again, if a creepy, smiling dude approaches you with a knife, you should probably run. Just saying. Unfortunately for me, I didn’t have a choice.

I’d given up my right to choose when I’d agreed to steal for him, to kill in his name.

So why did I trust him? 

Let’s just say it’s complicated. 

I pulled myself through the window, grimacing as the floorboards creaked menacingly. “Shut up, you.” I muttered. 

The room was dark and musty, smelling of mothballs and old paint. I wrinkled my nose and pushed through the heavy velvet curtains. Rich people’s houses were weird - you could practically smell the richness. As if it wasn’t obvious enough from the golden toilets and satin underwear.

I glanced around hopefully for anything worth stealing, but somehow, creepy family portraits and ugly old doilies didn’t cut it. I couldn’t picture myself lugging a golden toilet around, or selling satin underwear to some poor street merchant, so I heaved a sigh and headed towards the door. The gods of fate must’ve had something against me - or maybe they just liked watching me suffer. I glanced around glumly, remembering Cain’s instructions.

Get in. Get the papers. Get out.

He’d made it sound so easy. Jerk. 

In pitch blackness, I began rifling through drawers. 'C’mon-' 

I froze as cold steel pricked my throat, and a low voice ordered, 'Don’t move.' 

That’s when I knew I was screwed."

You know, reading this was funny for me because I'm actually working on a WIP with a somewhat similar-ish opening. Small world lol.

Anyway! I like the protagonist's attitude, and I think it definitely makes for an interesting opening. I like some of the details here, but I'm still having trouble picturing the setting (what room in the house is it, for example? What clues can you give us about the time/place?). Also, the first four paragraphs didn't really work for me—it's dangerous to start with exposition, and the first paragraph especially felt a little borderline corny to me. I think it'd be stronger if the first four paragraphs were cut and a short hook was added before the protagonist climbs in.

Now for the in-line notes:

"Never trust a man who smiles as he stabs you in the back. Then again, if a creepy, smiling dude approaches you with a knife, you should probably run. Just saying. Unfortunately for me, I didn’t have a choice.

I’d given up my right to choose when I’d agreed to steal for him, to kill in his name.

So why did I trust him? 

Let’s just say it’s complicated. 

[Like I mentioned above, I'd like to see a hook added here and the above removed. It'd be great if you could give us a sense of the stakes right away—right now, I have no idea why the MC needs what they need, or what will happen if the MC doesn't get it. Why is your MC stealing? What's at stake for your MC, personally? Giving us a sense of this right away would make the rest much more compelling, because we know what your MC has to lose.] I pulled myself through the window, grimacing as the floorboards creaked menacingly. “Shut up, you.,” I muttered. Why is the MC speaking at all? If they're breaking in, wouldn't it be stupid to talk, even if quietly?

The room was dark and musty, smelling of mothballs and old paint What does old paint smell like? I know what new paint smells like, but usually when a room has been painted a while ago, the smell of the paint disappears. I wrinkled my nose and pushed through the heavy velvet curtains. Rich people’s houses were weird - you could practically smell the richness. I like this, BUT it directly conflicts with what you said the house smells like—mothballs and old paint. I'd imagine richness would smell new and luxurious, not like your grandmother's house. As if it wasn’t obvious enough from the golden toilets and satin underwear. Ha ha nice.

I glanced around hopefully for anything worth stealing, but somehow, creepy family portraits and ugly old doilies didn’t cut it. I couldn’t picture myself lugging a golden toilet around, or selling satin underwear This made me pause because I thought the line above wasn't literal. If it is literal, then did he break into a bathroom? How else would he know they actually have golden toilets? What room is he in? I'm having trouble conceptualizing where he is. to some poor street merchant, so I heaved a sigh and headed towards the door. The gods of fate must’ve had something against me - — I'm noticing this in a few places, so make sure you use em dashes rather than hyphens. The former are longer (see above). or maybe they just liked watching me suffer. I glanced around glumly, remembering Cain’s instructions.

Get in. Get the papers. What are these papers? Why are they so important? We need to know what your protagonist knows and why this is important to your protagonist, otherwise there's very little tension in this scene. Get out.

He’d made it sound so easy. Jerk. I like this. :D

In pitch blackness, I began rifling through drawers. Again, what room is he in? Are there other drawers? What kind of drawer is this—a filing cabinet? A dresser drawer? A kitchen cabinet? I know it's dark in the room, but if he can see enough to be able to pick out a sheet of paper (which, how can he? Does he have a flashlight?) then he must be able to see some of the rest of the room, too. 'C’mon-' 

I froze as cCold steel pricked my throat, and I froze. (It's better to put the reaction after something happens, a) so the reader is just as surprised as the protagonist and b) because logically, that's how your MC would process it—cold steel on their throat, then freezing.) and a A low voice ordered, 'Don’t move.' 

That’s when I knew I was so screwed I considered cutting this line altogether, but I think it works better if you remove the filtering part. Otherwise I'd just delete the whole line because it's telling and we can already tell your protag is in trouble without your MC saying so."

I think this could potentially be a really hook-y opening, it just needs a little more working. If the stakes are added in from the start and we get more description throughout, I think this opening could be really great. You're almost there! Just keep expanding.

If I saw this in the slush as is, I would probably pass, but if the elements I mentioned above were fixed, I'd definitely be interested in continuing.

I hope this helps! Thanks for sharing your first 250 with us, Jay!

Would you like to be featured in a Fixing the First Page Feature? Keep an eye out for next month's giveaway!

Twitter-sized bite:

.@Ava_Jae talks setting the stakes from the start & sensory description in the 16th Fixing the First Page critique. (Click to tweet)