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| Photo credit: stevegarfield on Flickr |
It’s Twitter pitch time! Or at least, it will this Thursday from 8AM to 8PM Eastern. If you’ve never participated in a Twitter pitch party before, the rules and other details are all here.
In preparation for one of my favorite Twitter events of the season, I’m offering Twitter pitch critiques right here at Writability from right now (September 9) to Wednesday, September 11 at midnight EST.
The rules are pretty simple. Post your twitter pitch (or pitches) in the comments and critique three other pitches. I ask that you guys critique each other’s pitches for two reasons: first, it’s common courtesy to pay it forward, and second, I truly believe that you can learn just as much from critiquing other people as you can from receiving a critique.
I’m going to try to get to everyone’s pitches, although if you post more than one and the comments get crowded, I can only promise that I’ll get to one. But I’ll do my best to critique them all. *rolls up sleeves*
For a reminder of the necessary elements in a Twitter pitch, check out this post. And for examples of winning pitches (that is, pitches that got requests) from March's #PitMad event, check out this lovely roundup from Carissa Taylor.
Some tips for the event itself:
- Try not to post more than once an hour. I’d recommend you post twice an hour at most. I understand the temptation of posting several times, particularly when new agents or editors enter the fray, but I promise you that spamming the feed will not do you any favors. Publishing professionals know how to scroll, and by over-tweeting your pitch, all you’re doing is crowding the feed.
- Have more than one pitch ready. I usually like to set up three or four pitches to tweet throughout the day. The reason this is helpful is because sometimes one pitch may not work for one professional, but another does. It also helps fight against pitch fatigue, which can happen when people read the same pitch over and over again.
- Don’t do anything on this list. Read it. Memorize it. Avoid it at all costs.
So that about covers it! To start this off, I’ve posted the three pitches I’m preparing for Thursdays event. Feel free to rip them apart.
When 19 yo 1/2 human rebel soldier Eros is enslaved, he must serve the alien queen who ordered the slaughter of his tribe. NA SF #PitMad
#PitMad A 1/2blood slave & alien queen are framed for her fiancé's attempted murder.THE GIRL OF FIRE & THORNS meets future alien world NA SF
His home razed, Eros must choose: serve the alien queen who ordered his tribe's slaughter or be executed for his true identity NA SF #PitMad
What are you waiting for? Let’s see your pitches! And don’t forget the genre, category and hashtag!
Twitter-sized bites:
CRITIQUE IS NOW CLOSED! THANKS TO ALL WHO PARTICIPATED AND GOOD LUCK! :)
Are you entering #PitMad? Get your pitch critiqued before Thursday's event! (Click to tweet)
Thinking about entering this week's #PitMad? Get a free pitch critique from writer @Ava_Jae here. (Click to tweet)
CRITIQUE IS NOW CLOSED! THANKS TO ALL WHO PARTICIPATED AND GOOD LUCK! :)
347 comments:
1 – 200 of 347 Newer› Newest»Here goes!
In a race against time, 18yo Kira must uncover her connection to an Earth-like world inside a black hole or risk entrapment. YA SF/F #PitMad
A world inside a black hole. Ancient power hidden in its core. Kira is chosen to protect it-only she doesn't know it yet. YA SF/F #PitMad
A Wrinkle in Time with a Stargate twist. THE SHADOW OF LIGHT. YA SF/F #PitMad
Thank you!
Hi Summer! This sounds like an exciting story (black holes? awesome). Out of the three, your first one strikes me as the most powerful, but I do like your comparison of A Wrinkle in Time with a Stargate twist. Very cool. :)
As for the pitches themselves, you're the first to post, so I'll tackle all three. :) Here's what I got:
In a race against time, 18yo Kira must uncover her connection to an Earth-like world inside a black hole or risk entrapment. YA SF/F #PitMad
You've very clearly set up the stakes (she's running out of time and she may get caught in the black hole). The only thing I'm left wondering is how her connection to the world will make a difference. I don't entirely understand the relation between uncovering her connection and getting trapped in the black hole.
The other thing, and this is super minor, is I noticed you labeled your pitch "SF/F." I'm assuming you mean Sci-Fi/Fantasy, and I'm thinking you can probably save yourself two characters by dropping "/F" as this sounds very Sci-Fi to me, and it's usually best to try to stick with one genre, whenever possible. (Although I am aware that Sci-Fi and Fantasy can be pretty close...something I struggled with myself).
Next!
A world inside a black hole. Ancient power hidden in its core. Kira is chosen to protect it—only she doesn't know it yet. YA SF/F #PitMad
Ok, so this one didn't work quite as well for me because it's rather cryptic and doesn't set up the stakes as well as the first one. We know Kira has to protect the world, but from what? What will happen? We don't really know what the ancient power is that you mention, or how it's important, so mentioning it doesn't really add much to me.
The other thing is I've noticed lately a lot of publishing professionals saying they're tired of the "chosen one" trope, so I'd probably recommend avoiding that language within your pitch, if only not to turn off the pros who are tired of seeing chosen ones. (Then again, you'll be using more than one pitch, but it's something you may want to consider if you choose to rewrite this one).
Finally!
A Wrinkle in Time with a Stargate twist. THE SHADOW OF LIGHT. YA SF/F #PitMad
So as I said above, I like your comparison (although on a minor note, as you format your title in all caps, you may want to format A Wrinkle in Time's title in all caps as well). I'm wondering if maybe you can give us a snippet of your book instead of the title, though? I do like your title, but it doesn't really tell us much about your plot, so something to consider. :)
Hope this helps! And I wish you all the best on Thursday!
Here comes my pitches and I will some critique a while later when times allows:)
I have two different pitches for two different stories and I might not put up either of them in the Twitter pitch as I don't really feel finished, but I hope you can critique my pitches anyway^^
Hateful gods wants to devour Zanan. Edward has to unite his country to have a chance. To help he has warrior Renata NA F #PitMad
Addicted to fighting Lithea flees her old life, but her clan hunts her and for every fight she slowly loses herself to the addiction. YA #PitMad
The last one is four letters to long but I really can't find a way to shorten it, if you have an idea please tell me!
Thanks a lot:)
Here's my post!!! I appreciate all feedback.
Awkward and overweight is no recipe for love, Bri finds her boss may be the missing ingredient but his heart belongs to someone else NA#PITMAD
Life offers love in all the wrong places for awkward slightly overweight Bri after a sexy barista needs her help winning his ex back NA#pitmad
Awkward Overweight Bri refuses to love again, but a sexy barista with issues of his own may unknowingly unlock her heart NA#pitmad
Hello Summer!!! Out of the three, the third doesn't really tell me much in regards of what's at stake. I agree with Ava Jae about the first one being the strongest. It tells me what the stakes are. Maybe you can save on characters by eliminating the YA portion since you tell us the MC is 18? I'm not completely sure about that part though, this is my first time participating in something like this!!
Hi Tinnis! Yes, if your manuscripts aren't complete, then you definitely shouldn't participate in any pitch contests like #PitMad (it'd be like querying an unfinished manuscript which is not recommended). I'd be happy to critique your pitches, though.
Hateful gods wants to devour Zanan. Edward has to unite his country to have a chance. To help he has warrior Renata NA F #PitMad
Ok, so I'm a tad bit confused. At first I thought Zanan was your protagonist, but after reading it a couple times I think it's actually a place? I'm assuming then, that by Edward having a chance you mean against the gods, but that's not 100% clear. I'd recommend rewriting your first two sentences and combining them so we see the direct relation between Edward uniting his country and fighting the gods. Your last sentence about Renata doesn't really tell us much except that there's another character named Renata, who I'm guessing might be a love interest. That's not necessary for your pitch, so you may want to consider deleting that sentence and using the extra characters to tell us more about the plot.
Addicted to fighting Lithea flees her old life, but her clan hunts her and for every fight she slowly loses herself to the addiction. YA #PitMad
Easy fix for length: Remove "slowly."
As for the rest of the pitch, I think you need to make the stakes more clear. What will happen if Lithea loses herself to her fighting addiction? What will happen if her clan catches up to her? You also refer to her "old life" but as we don't know what her old life is, it doesn't really tell us much. I'd recommend rewriting and focusing on what Lithea wants (I'm guessing to escape her clan?) and what will happen if she fails.
Hope this helps!
Hmmm. I'm trying to decide which pitch I like best, but I'm torn between your first two. I think I'll just tackle them individually. Nice job, because I can't pick. :)
Awkward and overweight is no recipe for love, Bri finds her boss may be the missing ingredient but his heart belongs to someone else NA#PITMAD
Part I really like: "his heart belongs to someone else."
I like the recipe idea that you're playing with in this pitch. I did stumble with the wording, however. I think you can put a semi-colon instead of a comma after "love," because it needs the pause. This is minor, but I found the "Bri finds her boss" to sound a little strange (I think it's "finds" that's throwing me off). Otherwise, I think this works well, we see what Bri wants (love) and what the problem is (there's someone else). I think with just a little clearing up, you'll be set with this one.
Life offers love in all the wrong places for awkward slightly overweight Bri after a sexy barista needs her help winning his ex back NA#pitmad
Part I really like: "a sexy barista needs her help winning his ex back"
Boy, she really has love problems. Her hot boss loves someone else and the sexy barista wants her help winning his ex back (unless they're the same person? Either way).
Anyway! Critique. So I think you can drop "slightly" and save yourself some characters. And...that's all I've got for this one. Nice job.
Awkward Overweight Bri refuses to love again, but a sexy barista with issues of his own may unknowingly unlock her heart NA#pitmad
So minor points first: "overweight" doesn't need to be capitalized, and you can remove "unknowingly" and save yourself some characters. It doesn't really add anything, so you don't need it.
Otherwise...I think this pitch works too, I've just heard the "won't love again/unlock her heart" trope and phrasing quite a bit. I'm wondering if maybe you can hint at his issues to add something more specific about your book, because specifics are great. But overall I think you're in fantastic shape.
Hope this helps. Good luck! :)
Oh, I like the first one! I think I'd use a period instead of a comma, tho. Sorry, not much of crit, because I like it!
I really like the first one, but "In a race against time" is just a little cliche. Do you need that? You can then save characters and tell us more?
I critted two so far and will do more when I get a chance! Here are my two for now. :) Thanks so much!
NA/R Kat curses her mixed-up brain til it lands her sexy Alec as a tutor. But falling for her BF's bestie is far from a smart move. #PitMad
NA/R Nothing adds up for Kat’s brain. Failing stats = tutor + he’s sexy. But he’s her BF’s bestie. Falling for him not a smart move. #PitMad
Hi Megan! Firstly, thanks for critiquing others as well! :)
As for your pitches, I think your first one is stronger. They both say basically the same thing, so I won't critique them separately, but the reason the second one doesn't work quite as well for me is a purely subjective thing that may not bother other people. I personally tend not to be drawn to pitches with symbols like "=" and "+." I do understand in this circumstance you're probably hinting at the tutoring (math, tutoring, things not adding up, etc.) but the symbols throw me off a little, so I prefer the first one.
So a few things I'm wondering: I want to know a little more about Kat's mixed-up brain. Do you mean that she's dyslexic? Is it something else? If possible, I'd like to know exactly what she's struggling with (although I understand the character constraints). The other thing I'm wondering is whether BF means "best friend" or "boyfriend" in this circumstance. If the former, then I'm wondering if you can up the stakes and say she's falling for her best friend's crush (assuming that's what it is?). I'd imagine most best friends would be ok with you dating their friends as long as you were open about it...but a crush would be another matter entirely. If it's the latter and she has a boyfriend, then the stakes are set and the problem is clear. But as it is right now, I'm not entirely sure which it is.
Hope this helps! And good luck!
Thank you so much for your help! The problem with her brain is that she doesn't KNOW what's wrong yet. Even if the reader guesses, the character doesn't know until later in the novel (which is dyslexia).
And it is her boyfriends best friend. Maybe I should find a way to make that clear... Hmm... Thanks so much Ava!
You're welcome, Megan! I think you can still get away with saying dyslexia even if your protag doesn't know, but totally up to you. And yes...the boyfriend/bestfriend thing is tricky. But I'm happy it's the boyfriend scenario, because that one is much more interesting. :)
Good luck!
I like your first one and the comparison in the third one. How about a combo:
A Wrinkle in Time with a Stargate twist. Kira must uncover an Earth-like world inside a black hole or risk entrapment. YA SF #PitMad
You are a darling for your crits. Thank you!
I like this idea. :)
I really like the start of the first one, but I think helping him win his ex back is better than the vagueness of the first one. How about:
Awkward and overweight is no recipe for love. Bri is falling for her sexy barista boss, but he asks her help to win his ex back NA#pitmad
Here are my pitches:
Jane Austen's Persuasion meets 1984 in space--Love and politics on a planet colonized according to Plato’s Republic.
Adult Sci-Fi #Pitmad
On a planet where merit trumps birthright like Plato’s Republic, David must expose a secret hereditary polity or wed the crown. AdSF #Pitmad
A secret hereditary polity on a planet colonized as in Plato’s Republic. David must expose the deceit or wed the crown. Adult Sci-Fi #Pitmad
Wow! This sounds interesting. I love your comparison of Persuasion/1984/space—what a great mash-up!
As for the specific pitches:
Jane Austen's Persuasion meets 1984 in space--Love and politics on a planet colonized according to Plato’s Republic.Adult Sci-Fi #Pitmad
So as I said above, I totally love the comparison, although I'm wondering if maybe you can tell us about your plot instead of what you currently have after the em dash. (Also, if you hit OPTION+SHIFT+ - on a Mac, you can get an em dash which is only one character instead of two dashes...not sure what it is on PC, but there must be a shortcut). Right now you're depending on the reader knowing what Plato's Republic is (which, I must admit, I didn't until I read your second pitch) so while it sounds interesting, I don't know much about what happens in your book.
On a planet where merit trumps birthright like Plato’s Republic, David must expose a secret hereditary polity or wed the crown. AdSF #Pitmad
Do you need to say "like Plato's Republic"? I'm thinking you could probably delete it and save yourself the characters, as you tell us what's important with the first part of the sentence. As for what comes after the comma, I love the idea of a conspiratorial secret hereditary polity, but the "or wed the crown" doesn't sound that...terrible. I suppose I don't understand what David has to lose. You say he'll have to wed the crown if he fails, which sounds like it should be a bad thing, but I don't understand why it's bad. Shouldn't he want to wed the crown?
A secret hereditary polity on a planet colonized as in Plato’s Republic. David must expose the deceit or wed the crown. Adult Sci-Fi #Pitmad
So again, you're dependent on everyone knowing what you mean with your Plato's Republic reference, which I'm sure many people do, but I won't be the only one who will miss the reference. I think you may be better off telling us that "merit trumps birthright" instead. And the second part has the same issue as the previous pitch—I need to understand why wedding the crown is so bad for this to really have the desired impact.
I hope this helps! Your story sounds fascinating. Good luck with #PitMad and thank you for critiquing other people's pitches! :)
Hmm Patchi you could be on to something there....there could be a mashup of the two. I plan to have three pitches total. You have given me something to consider. THANKS!
I agree that you can say dyslexic brain. The first one is pretty strong, but BF sounds like best friend not boyfriend to me. How about:
NA/R Kat curses her dyslexic brain until it lands her a sexy tutor. But falling for her boyfriend's bestie is far from a smart move. #PitMad
My problem with the second one is that the equation doesn't make sense. How about:
NA/R Nothing adds up in Kat’s dyslexic brain. Failing stats+sexy tutor=her boyfriend’s bestie. Falling for him isn't a smart move. #PitMad
The first one does seem to be getting a lot more likes both here and other places I've posted. Thanks for the input!
I like your second one as well, though I was also thrown off wondering if it's Best Friend or Boyfriend. I tried to think of a way to suggest it differently, but with character constraints... it's a pita, lol.
From my experience on this contests, agents love comparisons, and your first one is very intriguing!
These are great suggestions! Thanks!
Thank you! I do need to clear that up if that's confusing. Thank you!
So, I like the first one, but when I read it I think i may be about to read a cooking novel, or one involving chefs. I take it that's not the case from your other two pitches though.
I second the thought on a period instead of a comma after love.
Over the past few days I've learned something about myself; I suck at twitter pitches! With that in mind, here are some that I'm toying around with:
Shotguns and swords, Fae
and Orakuls. Sarah and I will be dead before dawn if we don’t follow Dimitri
across the desert. #PitMad YA/UF
Shotguns and swords, ogres
and Orakuls. Eli will be dead before dawn if he doesn’t follow Dimitri, an
ogre, across the desert. #PitMad YA/UF
After the Orakuls murder his family, Elijah knows he's next. Only Dimitri, an Ogre, can help him learn the truth.
Ok, that formatted weirdly. Sorry!
Ava, here is my crit on your pitches:
"When 19 yo 1/2 human rebel soldier Eros is enslaved, he must serve the alien queen who ordered the slaughter of his tribe. NA SF #PitMad"
"#PitMad A 1/2blood slave & alien queen are framed for her fiancé's attempted murder.THE GIRL OF FIRE & THORNS meets future alien world NA SF"
"His home razed, Eros must choose: serve the alien queen who ordered his tribe's slaughter or be executed for his true identity NA SF #PitMad"
I like the last one best, but I think the other ones work well too. I like the framed part of the second one and it would help if you could get it into that first pitch. How about:
Enslaved 1/2 human Eros must serve the alien queen who slaughtered his tribe‑Until he's framed for her fiancé's murder attempt.NA SF #PitMad
I like the last one, but the ending is vague. I think you need the crossing the desert part, but I don't think you need to name the ogre. How about:
After the Orakuls murder his family, Eli knows he's next. Only an ogre can help him across the desert. #PitMad YA/UF
There's still space for something else.
Hi Ray! Twitter pitches are hard, so no worries at all. I think most people struggle with them.
Anyways! Here are my thoughts on your pitches.
Your first two are basically the same, but in different POVs. I recommend against pitching in the POV of your protagonist, so out of the two, I'd definitely choose the second one. Out of all your pitches however, I agree with Patchi about liking the last one best—and I also don't think you need to name the ogre.
Shotguns and swords, ogres and Orakuls. Eli will be dead before dawn if he doesn’t follow Dimitri, an ogre, across the desert. #PitMad YA/UF
So the first sentence doesn't really do much for me, particularly because I have no idea what Orakuls are. Generally those kinds of proper name details are better left for synopses or in pitches where you have more room for explanation. I think you would benefit from cutting the first sentence and telling us why Eli will be dead if he doesn't follow the ogre across the desert. That way we get a better sense of the stakes.
After the Orakuls murder his family, Elijah knows he's next. Only Dimitri, an Ogre, can help him learn the truth.
Your first sentence here is great—I wouldn't change it at all. The second sentence, however, doesn't really give us a sense of what's at stake (that is, what Elijah has to lose). I kind of like Patchi's version, but even there I'm wondering why he needs to get across the desert to begin with. I think if you make it clearer that Elijah is on the run (btw, if he goes by Eli, you can save yourself three characters right there) and that he needs to listen to the ogre to survive, you'll have an even stronger pitch.
Hope this helps! And good luck on Thursday!
Thank you, Patchi! I really appreciate the feedback. :)
Oooooh! I love your first Pit Pitch Ava!
Do you need a beta reader?
Can't wait to read through all of these!
Thank you so much, Shay! I actually just finished final edits and started querying, so no, I don't need any betas. But I appreciate the interest. :)
Thanks Ava! I tried playing around with your comments:
Austen's Persuasion meets 1984 in space‑On a planet where merit trumps birthright, David must expose a secret hereditary polity.AdSF #Pitmad
On a planet where merit trumps birthright, David must expose a secret hereditary polity or be charmed by the crown. Adult SF #Pitmad
A secret hereditary polity on a planet colonized as in Plato’s Republic. David must expose the deceit or fall for the crown. AdSF #Pitmad
Thanks!
You go gurl! Best wishes. I know you'll let us know when it's on the shelves.
*pssst* and it will be :p #gotfaith
Also, I assume when you enter these things it's best to have everything ready? i.e query, synopsis, so on...
Ha ha, thank you so much! And yes, you assume correctly. These types of contests often result in requests, so you'll want everything ready.
Ava, I love all three of your pitches. I think the last one ("His home razed, Eros must choose...") is the best. There's something very clean about it and it sets up the conflicts clearly and memorably.
Ray, what an interesting story! I wasn't sure what Orakuls were so I like the last one the best b/c it's not necessary to know what orakuls are in order to understand what's going on in that one. We get that they have murdered Elijah's family and that's what's important about them so it moves very smoothly.
Oooo, fascinating! I like the first pitch even though it doesn't tell a lot about what's going on. It's still intriguing. For some reason, I find the third pitch to be a bit confusing. I was getting tripped up by what the deceit is (and since it says "the" it seems like we are supposed to know what it is) - is it the secret hereditary polity? It doesn't bother me that your pitches reference Plato's Republic. I think that heightens my interest and also reveals that it's going to be a smart story.
This sounds like such a fun story. I like the first pitch better. It's clear what's going on and the reference to her BF's bestie heightens the conflict. (Maybe a dumb question but is BF best friend or boyfriend?) Like some others have noted, I'm not the biggest fan of the + = signs in the 2nd one and it seems more choppy. But maybe it fits in with the whole tutoring thing. Great job in any event.
Oh, poor Bri! I feel for her already. I like the second pitch the best but I might like it even more if the order is switched around, i.e. something like, "After a sexy barista needs her help winning his ex back, awkward and overweight Bri learns that life offers love in all the wrong places."
Thanks Heather. It is definitely a "fun" story, so I'm glad that came across. It is her boyfriend's best friend, and I definitely realize I need to clear that up. Thank you so much for your help! :)
I have had the best time reading and commenting on everyone's pitches. Wow! So many intriguing stories! And you, Ava Jae, are absolutely awesome for doing this. Thank you, thank you. Here are mine:
#Pitmad AdultLit. Southern. Grieving over her son’s death, Sadie’s past mistakes keep her from getting to know the
daughter he left behind.
#PitMad AdultLit. After her son died, Sadie refused to help
his pregnant girlfriend; years later she wants to meet her granddaughter.
Ava, I definitely like the third one. And I remember your stuff from WOC. I loved it! Best of luck to you!
Eeeek - so incredibly suspenseful, Summer! Wow. I think I like the second one the best but I might replace the word "only" with the word "but"? Also, like Ava mentioned, I'm not sure you need the F - sounds like SciFi based on these pitches. Best of luck.
Thanks!
I prefer the second one because it gives more details of the specific situation. The first one is a bit vague.
Can anyone help this hapless Brit? I'm new to all this and particularly pants at Twitter but want to take part in the forthcoming #PitMad. I've put together three possible twitter pitches and wonder if anyone could give me some feedback
1) Jilted by serial shagging fiancée she flees to Turkey & finds new love living the expat dream with the mad bad & downright crazy
2) A handful of betrayal a dash of crazy new love & a promise of a new fairytale life in the land of Turkish dark eyed lotharios
3) Fleeing her serial shagging bf evil boss & rainy old UK to live the expat dream finds love with a hot Turk & the adventure begins
As they say in the land of cream teas - cheers m'dears
Thanks, Patchi! I like the 2nd one better too. Only wish I had enough characters left to get "southern" in there. Oh well.
I don't think you need southern in the pitch. It will be in the query. Good luck!
I agree, I like the second one. More details and very interesting!
What about this version?
After the Orakuls murder his family, Eli knows he's next. Humanity’s future rests in the truth he must uncover. #pitmad LGBTQ/YA/UF
With this one I was also able to get in the fact that it's a LGBTQ MS, with my MC being gay. In case some agents are looking for those types of subs.
I'm just kinda hung up on my transition from my first sentence to my last. Almost like it could be used for two different pitches.
Remember to include #Pitmad or no one will see the pitches. You also need audience (Ad, NA, YA) and genre.
I think you have a good start with the first one. You might want to add a bit of conflict into the pitch. Like:
Jilted by serial shagging fiancée [name] flees rainy old UK to find love with a hot Turk. But [???] [audience/genre] #Pitmad
Bless you - needed to know I was on the right track. So looking forward to the event even though I'm in a different time zone it'll be an education for me
Thank you so much, Heather! :)
Hi Heather! So glad to hear you've been enjoying the crit session. I find it pretty fun, too. Thanks for participating! ^_^
As for your pitches, I actually like both. Here's what I've got:
#Pitmad AdultLit. Southern. Grieving over her son’s death, Sadie’s past mistakes keep her from getting to know the daughter he left behind.
I agree with Patchi about getting rid of "Southern." I don't think you need it—Adult Lit works just fine for me (although is it straight Lit or is it Women's Fiction? Just wondering). Now, I like the idea of getting to know the daughter her son left behind, but I think you could benefit from clarifying the stakes just a bit—that is, what does Sadie have to lose if she doesn't get to know her daughter? Right now it's implied a little, but I think if you make it clear, it'd be even stronger.
#PitMad AdultLit. After her son died, Sadie refused to help his pregnant girlfriend; years later she wants to meet her granddaughter.
So I like the idea of Sadie having a change of heart and seeing the error of her ways. You make it clear what Sadie wants (to meet her granddaughter after all these years), but like the previous pitch, the stakes aren't clear. What will happen if Sadie fails to meet her granddaughter? Why is this so important to her? Again, everything is obviously implied, but I think it'd help if you made it clearer.
Hope this helps! And good luck!
Thank you so much, Megan! ^___^
Unrelated to anything: I love "cheers m'dears." I'm not British, but I must find a way to use that.
Anyway. I really like Patchi's suggestion with how to restructure your pitch—and definitely remember to include the hashtag, genre and category. That might mean you'll need to condense a little to make it fit, but it's important in pitch contests. And I also agree that your first one is the strongest base so far.
Here are more specific thoughts:
Jilted by serial shagging fiancée she flees to Turkey & finds new love living the expat dream with the mad bad & downright crazy
I'm a teensie bit confused here. "Fiancée" with two e's indicates the woman in the relationship (unless there are two women? But judging by your third pitch, I'm guessing that's not the case). That being said, I wasn't sure if it was a typo and the cheating fiancé is the former boyfriend (in which case you only need one "e") or if she was the one cheating. I'm thinking it's probably a typo, so easy fix there.
Instead of "she" you'll definitely want to tell us her name.
Now, everything after "Turkey" I think you want to refocus. Rather than giving us vague references to what happens, you need to tell us what the problem is (which is why Patchi suggested a "But [???]"). What's stopping her from finding true love, and what will happen if she doesn't find it? It's not easy to fit all that in a Twitter pitch, I know, but it's something you'll definitely want to try to do.
A handful of betrayal a dash of crazy new love & a promise of a new fairytale life in the land of Turkish dark eyed lotharios
I understand the idea behind this kind of pitch, but unfortunately it's way too vague to tell us much about your story. I'd recommend scrapping this and giving us something with more details about your plot.
Fleeing her serial shagging bf evil boss & rainy old UK to live the expat dream finds love with a hot Turk & the adventure begins
There are some elements here I really like, like rainy UK and hot Turk (the same elements, coincidentally, Patchi pulled out ^_^). Again, your main challenge is showing us what your MC's obstacle is and what will happen if she fails to accomplish her goal. If you do that, I think you'll have a much stronger pitch.
I hope this helps! And good luck! :)
Ok, so I definitely thing you're on the right track—the stakes are much clearer. The one problem is that the fate of humanity is unfortunately really cliché in pitches. You can solve this by giving us a specific detail about what Eli saves his world from. As for the transition, maybe try something like...
"After Orakuls murder his family, Eli must [...]"
Does that help?
I'm going to go run my head into the wall, brb!
Ha ha ha I'm sorry. Pitches are ridiculously hard, and Twitter pitches are harder.
No real stakes probably, but:
A strange call begins a night that will see Eli’s family dead and put him on the road toward a destiny he never imagined.#pitmad YA/UF LGBTQ
Hi, Summer. I'm late joining i . I think your first is most clear but Patchi nailed it with the combination.
I hate to do this to you, but I'm still looking for something more manuscript specific. Right now you have some really general and vague ideas (strange call at night, destiny he never imagined). What you really want to do is give us details that are unique to your MS.
I think all you need to tell us about Eli's dead family is that the Orakuls kill them (which is manuscript specific which is why I like it). After that, all you need is to tell us what Eli needs to accomplish and what will happen if he fails.
So, for example,
After Orakuls murder his family, Eli must find a way to defeat the orcs before they overrun the world.
Ok, that's not the best example, but hopefully you get where I'm going? If you tell us what Eli has to do specifically, you'll be much better off than a generic save the world or complete his destiny trope.
That makes sense, but it's soooo hard! Like, what Eli has to do is travel overland with his best friend Sarah and Dimitri to Dimitri's master's, where they are told of a disc that can shed light on what's happening to them, and help stop the storm that's on its way to end the world as they know it. More or less. x.x
Is this a literal or figurative storm? And if a literal storm, is it a naturally occurring storm, or a storm that someone is creating (via magic or some other means)?
It will transition into a literal storm, but not in this book. But, since it doesn't occur in this book... this book is mainly about the journey to find out answers, the revelation of those answers.
Such as, in the begining of the book you learn that Eli knows nothing of his life before the day he was in a plane crash that killed all on board, save him and a girl (who becomes his best friend.) Since he's had six years to grow used to the hole in his life, it's not a major factor in the story in the beginning. The plane crash is, as the things that happen occur on the eve of the sixth anniversary.
I agree with the other comments, the first one flows much better and specifying that it's her boyfriend's bestie definitely catches my interest! Good luck Thurs!
Ava, I agree, your 3rd pitch is stellar!
Mmm ok well it sounds like what you need to figure out is what the main conflict of your book is. The three important elements you need to hit are:
1) What does your protagonist want (what is his goal)?
2) What is stopping him from getting what he wants?
3) What will happen if he fails to achieve his goal?
Once you've worked that out, you can put it in your pitch and you'll be set. :)
^___^ Thank you so so much!
I also like your first pitch (with a period instead of comma), but I really like Patchi's mash-up best!
Ok! Lost some hair in the process, but I've come up with a few more. If you don't mind looking at them!
1) The Orakuls murdered his family. Eli knows he & his bestfriend Sara are next unless they can uncover the truth in time. #pitmad LGBTQ/YA/UF
2) Eli has to keep Sara safe from the creatures that killed his family. He doesn’t know that asecret could rip them apart.#pitmad/LGBTQ/YA/UF
Eli must discover the truth behind the creatures that killed his parents and are after his bestfriend before its too late.#pitmad/LGBT/YA/UF
Dear god. Did I ever review your pitches? If not, I need to go do that right now.
Ok, I love both of yours (curseyou) but I'm having issues with the second, mainly the fiance part. It doesn't seem like it fits in with the rest of the story. Maybe consort?
Thank you! <3
Ok! So I definitely like that you've added how Eli wants to keep his best friend safe—now we're getting the sense of what he wants and what he has to lose (the life of his friend). I'm most drawn to your second pitch. I love the first line because you combine the necessary backstory (Eli's murdered family) and what Eli wants (to save Sara). The only thing I have a question about is the secret: is it one that he's keeping? One that she's keeping? I'm guessing it's a secret he has, but it's not 100% clear. I also think you can delete "He doesn't know" so you have a little bit more room to play with it.
I also like the third one because it tells us WHAT truth Eli must discover. I just think your wording needs a little reworking because I tripped up over "the creatures that killed his parents and are after" (I think "and are after" is what confused me). Finally, you may want to consider replacing "Before it's too late" with something more specific like "before they catch up to them" or something that indicates they're running from the creatures.
Also, you'll want to put a space between #pitmad and "LGBT" because otherwise it'll end up one giant incorrect hashtag. :)
All in all, great improvement. Good luck! ^_^
Ha ha thanks, Ray! I have "betrothed" in the query because it fits the voice better, but if I'm not mistaken, it was a tad too long for Twitter. I'll take a look at it again. :)
No!! No cooking involved, at least not directly. I just thought it was cute!
I love all of these ideas! I can't wait to see if any agents like these suggestions. Thank you for the feedback!
Thanks for all of your advice, you rock =)
You're so welcome! Happy to help. ^_^
*gulp* Here goes one.....
Desperate for love Sophia falls her professor. Happiness evaporates when she learns her 1st boyfriend is a violent polygamist thrill #pitmad
Ok. ok ok, I have one more, then I'll likely call it a night. Probably.
Eli fights to keep Sara safe from the creatures that killed his family, while guarding a secret he doesn’t know he has.#pitmad LGBTQ/YA/UF
I really love the third pitch. You built sympathy with the dead son, and intrigue with the granddaughter. It leaves me wondering how the granddaughter will receive her. For the others, I'm not sure you need Southern since it's not brought into the pitch.
I like this idea as well
Thank you for hosting this great opportunity to help others with their pitches and get help in return. Here are mine. Like others, I'm using ones written from various plot points in my MS.
YASpFic Lost meets Pern. When The boy Lia loves is dying, can she find the courage to bond with the heart of a dragon to heal him?
YASpFic When the boy Lia loves lies dying, can she find the courage to bind her soul to a dragon to gain the power to heal him?
YASpFic When her ship crashes, Lia races to get the survivors to the colony. An alien killer stalks & won't stop 'till they're dead.
Thanks in advance.
Pitch writing is tough and it's hard to throw it out into cyberspace, isn't it? So, I wonder if you'd do well if you focused on one plot point for each of the thoughts in your pitch. You can post more than one pitch and different angles might appeal to different agents. Then you'd have more space to expand each sentence and add some stakes and get in the Adult or YA.
Hope this helps.
Only one nitpick: you can't really guard something if you don't know you have it. Maybe the secret is haunting him? Or...something like that?
Well! This sounds very twisty and turny (totally official terms). I'm a little confused about the second sentence, though. At first I thought the 1st boyfriend was someone other than her professor, but then it occurred to me you mean the same guy (I think)? I'm also not 100% sure what you're referring to with "violent." Do you mean he's abusive? Or are we talking 50 SoG violence? That's not entirely clear.
Other minor thing is you definitely want to add in the category and genre. Very important for Twitter pitches so publishing professionals have some context.
Hope this helps! And good luck!
The thing about guarding it, is that whenever something happens or is said that triggers the 'secret' his body fights it, almost incapacitating him. He just attributes it to everything that's happening. I know, it's a little confusing in twitter context x.x
Hmmm. I think I might go with "haunting" or something of the like. Because it's affecting him, but he doesn't know what it is (or at least, that's how I'm understanding it)?
Right! He has no idea.
You're so very welcome! It's been great to see people critiquing each other's pitches. :)
As for your pitches, here's what I've got!
YASpFic Lost meets Pern. When The boy Lia loves is dying, can she find the courage to bond with the heart of a dragon to heal him?
I don't know the Pern reference personally, but I like the Lost idea (great show). I like that you've set up the conflict (the boy Lia loves is dying), but what's not totally clear to me is what the danger is with bonding with a dragon. I'm assuming it's dangerous, but the fact that she's fighting her courage rather than a serious danger makes it slightly less punchy to me.
YASpFic When the boy Lia loves lies dying, can she find the courage to bind her soul to a dragon to gain the power to heal him?
I will say I think this sounds like a really interesting story. As for this pitch, I'm seeing the same slight issue as what I mentioned for the first pitch. But I like the idea behind it—cool premise.
YASpFic When her ship crashes, Lia races to get the survivors to the colony. An alien killer stalks & won't stop 'till they're dead.
This one is actually my favorite, but this seems like a totally different story than what you mentioned in the first two pitches (which isn't necessarily a bad thing, I'm just thinking aloud...or in text...) I see where the Lost reference comes in, and this sounds like a really exciting and interesting story. The only thing I'm wondering is whether the survivors you're referring to are the ones from her ship or ones also on wherever they crash or...elsewhere. But honestly, that's not a big deal and I think this pitch is fantastic. Just don't forget to include the hashtag or no one will see it.
Hope this helps! And good luck!
Then I'd definitely go with some sort of haunting idea. But that's just me. In the end, it's completely up to you. :)
Hello! I agree with Ava that the second sentence is a bit confusing--but I assumed the 1st boyfriend is different from the prof. I assume "thrill" is your genre, but I had to read it a few times because I wondered what a "polygamist thrill" was :) Maybe tighten up some of the longer words & replace with shorter, punchier ones for more space?
Also, you might cut "desperate for love" because if she falls for her prof, we can assume she is. It you replace it with anything, maybe be more specific about why she's desperate. Best of luck!
First, I just wanted to say --- this is just awesome, Ava Jae. I've been tentatively querying this summer, and finally signed up for Twitter just so I can try me some PitMad-ness. I'm not sure if there are set genre abbreviations or genre rules so I did my best. Here are mine:
1.
Reluctant war criminal, violated violist & teen German soldier stuck behind enemy lines. "Bel Canto" in WWII from enemy POV? HF/LF #PitMad
2.
Dec 1944: A war criminal, nazi’s girl, teen soldier lovesick for his officer–trapped behind enemy lines. Twisted war story. HF/LF #pitmad
And...sigh. Anais is a focal character, but not a POV character, and doesn't even appear until chapter 3. So would I be disingenuous posting this one? Probably. Here it is anyway, just in case:
3.
Anais: viola at 4, 1st chair at 16, soirees with Germans at 27, head shaved by Resistance at 30. revenge time--against whom? HF/LF #PitMad
Thanks all, you're awesome!
I like the first one, though I don't understand the question mark. Why not a period or no punctuation? The third one also catches my attention, but I think it would be more dramatic if it just ended with "Revenge time." The second one doesn't flow quite as well as the other two, but hey- that's hard to do in 140 characters!
Hi mbelec :)
I do get the Pern reference (shorthand for "dragon book!") and I think the Lost meets Pern reference works great. I prefer #1 over #2 for that reason. Like Ava said, the first 2 and the last one do sound like completely different books. And...I'm not sure it matters. You can pitch them all and see who bites, right? :)
If you need extra room to fit the #pitmad tag in the first one, you could get rid of "When" so it reads "The boy Lia loves is dying - can she find..." or something similar.
Best of luck!
Oh lord, if I don't post these I'm going to die. It's 4:51am over here in London. I've been up all night writing a synopsis but would you believe I spent longer on these twit-pits?
Thanks so much for you three pointer questions Ava, I hope I got these right somewhere...
Most men won't screw with a tyrant leader, but if 20yo Aric fails
this female conquest, he’ll be executed like his family.NA/F #PitMad
If Lance lets 20yo Aric slip, he’ll sleep all day, party all
night and try to destroy totalitarian leaders in his spare time. NA/F #PitMad
20yo Aric has the chance to ruin his city’s dictator by
exposing her best kept secret, but then her secret may ruin the people. NA/F#PitMad
This sounds like an exciting event! For your critiquing pleasure, here are my potential pitches:
1)As Anna faces important choices about her future, it'll take a proposal, a death, and The Sound of Music to make up her mind.#PitMad NAcont
2)Shakespeare Fests, a proposal, a death, The Sound of Music- it'll take all of this and more for Anna to finally plan her future. #pitmad NA
Thanks everyone! Off to comment on other critiques! It's amazing what you have been able to do with 140 characters!
The second one gets my vote because I love "try to destroy... in his spare time." That is eyecatching! I don't know how Lance fits in- instead of using his name, maybe try to describe his role or relationship to Aric instead? Having the two names also makes figuring out who the "he" is a bit difficult.
Hello Shay Dee, or shall I say good morning? ;) It's 9pm where I'm at, yet....I know exactly where you're coming from, ha!
Hands down I like the first one best! It's the most specific and has the most conflict in it.
In the second one, I don't understand who Lance & Aric are, and what "slipping" entails, so I'm confused to what's going on there. Also, I don't think you need to say the character's age--since it's NA, agents will assume early 20s.
Third one works, I think, but it's still a bit more vague and less urgent than #1.
Best of Luck!
Heya Kara, I like the 1st one most but for me I'd really like to know something about those important choices as I feel the meat may be there.
Def see what someone else says!
I think your voice comes across well in the first one, and I agree with everyone else that the only thing it really needs is to clarify that BF means boyfriend. You could take out the /R for more characters, because it's obvious that this is a romance. You could even shorten to "lands her a sexy tutor" to allow for more space to spell out boyfriend.
I dig the promises of death, proposals and the Sound of Music...what a melange! I don't quite have a feel for the overall story, though. I want to know what is at stake and/or what exactly those choices are. Is there a way to hint at how Shakespeare & Sound of Music relate to her choices/future?
Yeah, 140 characters is a tall order. So far so good! I'm glad we have a few more days to get ready though ;)
Evening to you :p
Ah! lol "slipping" is a term sometimes used when someone is falling short, making mistakes or just not living up to prospects. But yes, it may not be understood by everyone and the last thing you want to do is cut your chances right?!
My story is from two POV's but as Kara says, best stick to one really.
And yay! I can save characters!
Thanks a mil for your feedback!
Thank you! Will stick to one POV for the second one. To a degree I can maybe use either as my story is a duel first person POV thingymabob (oh man I'm so tired, excuse all babble)
Thanks again Kara :p
Thanks Kara! Good point about the question mark. I think I'm reluctant to compare something I wrote to a brilliant book like Bel Canto, so maybe it smacks of personal insecurity. heh, can't let that show, can I? :) Out, out, ye vile question mark!
Fair enough, but if you really think it is a good comparison, then why not? Also get rid of the quotation marks to save characters!
oh, ok! I thought maybe here "slip" referred to "slip away," hence confusion! Yeah, I agree with Kara on the POV...a relationship for one instead of a name would be much clearer.
Huzzah!
The stakes are really just the choices faced by any new adult: move out of dad's house? College or no? Take risks to be with boyfriend? Ultimately: stay static, or risk making a bad choice?
Any advice on how to convey that feeling?
Haha! I'm such a Twitter newbie :) This is actually the first comparison that finally feels right. Thanks again.
Hello's again!
All three I had to read a few times, this has nothing to do with you, lol. But the 2nd one, once my eyes settled, I decided I liked the most. The good thing about writing about history is that, well, it already exists so to a degree the stakes don't need explaining as much. Stuck behind enemy lines is enough as we are familiar with the enemy!
I didn't understand what this meant ""Bel Canto" in WWII from enemy POV?" (my lack of knowledge exposing itself now?) in the 1st one but I feel if you were to add "Reluctant war criminal" to your 2nd, I would consider it to be the strongest of the three - all self explanatory.
As always, def see what others say! Good luck :p
Hmm...how do Shakespeare and Sound of Music relate? I get a sense that maybe the MC wants to act or something, but "real life" (proposal, death) is in conflict with dreams, something like that? It's sort of what I'm inferring from the pitch, anyway. The trick is to make that conflict as explicit as you can.
She meets the boy during a production of the sound of music, they go on a road trip together to see Shakespeare festivals. The proposal and death happen to other people, and allow her to feel like she can cut ties with her hometown to go be with this boy, something she otherwise would have struggled with. I've had success before with the grabline of "death, proposal, and Sound of Music" because it's catchy, but you are right- it doesn't show much.
Back to the drawing board?
Shay, thanks so much! I'll see if I can get "reluctant" in there in #2.
Bel Canto is a (really good!) novel by Ann Patchett about a hostage situation (with opera! in south America!), so my hope is that it works as a comparison AND shorthand for my plot, assuming agents recognize it, too. Hmm...that "enemy POV" part does seem vague though. What's meant is that it's told through the point of view (POV) of two of the Germans. Might be back to the drawing board for that one...
How kind are you! Thanks so much clearly I have a lot of work to do and unfortunately twitter does not bring out the best in me but really appreciate you taking the time to help me out
Ooh, tough one! If you've had success with the grabline, I'd be reluctant to change it. So totally don't listen to anything I write here :D
On the other hand, what if you kept all those elements, but spaced them out into a sort of story chronology? You have an interesting thing going on with the Shakespeare, and the proposal ("comedy") and death ("tragedy"). Shakespeare brought them together. But death and marriage off the stage are harder to deal with. Should she be with [boy] and let the curtain fall on her old life?
Ok, crazy too long brainstorm example but...maybe slightly helpful, I hope!
Hah, now I'm learning something. :p
As Kara said, take out that "?" and its understood immediately so don't go back to any drawing board!
And I see. You'll find agents will be far more knowledgeable than me on Bel Canto, but indeed, I learnt something today. :)
Always a pleasure to tell people about good books :D Thanks again for your help, it's been fun trading ideas. I learned something today too! Learning is good.
Love that curtain fall line. Will have to see if I can incorporate it smoothly!
I hope it's not to late to join in. I've been working on a lot of option, but you can never have too much input!
1) 17yo Jenna McBride was always afraid of
cyborgs. But she should’ve been afraid of the people who made them, like her
mother. YA SF #PitMad
2) With men extinct, women have created
utopia. 17yo Jenna discovers the price for a perfect society is too high. YA SF #PitMad
3) With men extinct, women create utopia. For 17yo Jenna, perfect society crumbles when cyborgs take her BFF away because of her mum #pitmad
4) Jenna knows the dirty secret of women’s
success after men died out. Telling = destroys her mum’s career. Not telling = losing BFF & GF #pitmad
5) With men extinct, women created utopia. But when her friend
disappears, Jenna finds paradise has a price & her moms are collecting. #PitMad
6) An accident takes her BFF. Cyborgs
take her GF. But why did Jenna's mum want her memories erased? YA SF #PitMad
7) Jenna must free her best friend & girlfriend from her
mother's cyborg-controlled facility before she loses them forever. #PitMad
I like your third pitch best as it shows the stakes better.
All of these sound really interesting but a mash of some, I think, will make them stronger.
I think the three strongest elements are :Female utopia, erased memory and cyborg controlled facility. Those really jumped out at me. A mash up of those three, I feel, would be great but I found your 5th one to be spot on:
You've got the world: No men. Female utopia.
The situation: Best friend gone.
And then the antagonist: Her mom's!
It doesn't explain exactly what those stakes are if she doesn't rescue her friend, but the intriguing setting alone was enough for me.
As always, see what someone else says! :p
Hi Wendy! Looks like you got some really great advice already, but I'll still share my two cents. :)
Overall I think your idea is really interesting. I'm guessing in your case HF is Historical Fantasy and LF is...literary fantasy? At any rate, I'm thinking you should chose one, both to save characters and because generally it's best to choose one genre and stick with it (otherwise it looks like you don't know what genre it is...which even if you don't, you don't want others to know that). I also agree that you'll want to remove the quotations to save characters, and remove that pesky question mark. :)
Now for the specific pitches...
Reluctant war criminal, violated violist & teen German soldier stuck behind enemy lines. "Bel Canto" in WWII from enemy POV? HF/LF #PitMad
Usually I say that rather than vague references to what goes on in your novel, you should use specifics...but I actually like this one. We have a sense of the problem/stakes (German soldier stuck behind enemy lines, plus he's a reluctant war criminal) and a sense of the character (violated violist...although that should be "violinist" shouldn't it? Unless he plays a viola? Not sure what that would be called...). I personally missed the Bel Canto reference too, but that doesn't mean others won't pick up on it, so I think it's worth using. :) Nice job!
Dec 1944: A war criminal, nazi’s girl, teen soldier lovesick for his officer–trapped behind enemy lines. Twisted war story. HF/LF #pitmad
Did the Nazis allow for female soldiers? I didn't think that was really permitted during WWII (although I could be totally wrong on that). Maybe that's not what you mean by "nazi's girl."
You can probably see I'm a little confused here. You say "nazi's girl" but then you say "teen soldier lovesick for HIS officer" so I'm not sure if your protag is male or female or if the "nazi's girl" you're referring to is his officer (in which case, I'm still wondering if that was allowed).
Does this have a romantic element? If so, maybe consider saying Twisted LOVE story instead of war story? You've already indicated the backdrop is WWII, so you don't need to tell us it's a war story—we can infer that from the setting. Just a thought.
The element that works really well here is the same element that caught my eye in the first one—trapped behind enemy lines. Don't get me wrong, I think both pitches are great (honestly, you have nothing to be worried about), there were just a couple things that confused me a little with this one that I think could be easily fixed with a few minor adjustments.
As for your last one, if Anais isn't a MC, then I wouldn't create a pitch focused on him. I'm also not a huge fan of questions in pitches or queries (and as I understand it, neither are most publishing professionals), so I tend to advise against using them.
So there you are! I hope this helps and I wish you all the best!
4:51am! Wow. Hope you managed to get some sleep. :)
I'm glad the three point questions helped—they tend to be pretty decent guidelines when it comes to writing pitches. At any rate, here are my thoughts on your pitches:
Most men won't screw with a tyrant leader, but if 20yo Aric fails this female conquest, he’ll be executed like his family.NA/F #PitMad
So the screw pun made me laugh, though I'm not sure how everyone will respond to the female conquest idea (particularly with the big push towards feminism/strong female characters). I'm guessing he has to win her heart, not just sleep with her (right?) but the pitch kind of sounds a little like he just has to add her as another notch. Which may or may not be true.
Alright, that was super confusing and contradictory. I'd say keep this version to just see, because I do like the clear stakes and the pun. You may also want to draft up another version of this one, however, where you make it clearer that he has to woo her rather than just get in her pants. Assuming that's the case.
If Lance lets 20yo Aric slip, he’ll sleep all day, party all night and try to destroy totalitarian leaders in his spare time. NA/F #PitMad
So this one confused me a little, because it's not clear if your protagonist is Lance or Aric, and like Wendy, I wasn't entirely sure what you meant by "slip" (I'm guessing that's a UK term). The other issue is we don't really know what the MC's goal is or what the obstacle is, so the stakes are pretty unclear (and that stems from not being sure about who the MC is). It also isn't entirely clear if destroying totalitarian leaders is a good or bad thing. (Most will assume good, but in fiction, you never know).
20yo Aric has the chance to ruin his city’s dictator by
exposing her best kept secret, but then her secret may ruin the people. NA/F#PitMad
Ooo. I like this. The conflict is clear, you hint at the stakes...I definitely like this one. Use it. :)
Finally, as for the age thing, I think you can actually keep it if you want to. But up to you.
Good luck! I hope this helps. :)
Thanks so much, Ava Jae! There's so much great feedback here...I'm glad I have another two days to prep! :) The HF/LF abbreviations are meant to stand for historical fiction/literary fiction, but now I see that most other writers use the F to mean fantasy, and totally understand the confusion. Maybe I'll just go with HistFic, that should be more clear.
I'm not sure how important character genders are, but I now I'm trying to think how I can make it clear that the violist is female. (she plays viola, but the word does jump out as odd, doesn't it). Maybe I should list the two males together, then her at the end. I've also capitalized Bel Canto to make it clear that it's a comparison title.
I've reworked #2 and struck #3--I think that was one of those "it's late and I'm in love with this!" kind of things. They always look different in the morning :) I appreciate the help!
Oh shoot, did I say Historical Fantasy? I totally did. I definitely meant Historical FICTION...that's what I get for critiquing before I'm fully awake...
At any rate, I think you can probably get away with HF, but I've seen people say HisFic, too. So up to you. :)
Hee! I just love the sound of Historical Fantasy, though...maybe the next book ;) whew, I guess that could save some characters though, if I really need to.
Hi Sharon!
The elements that jumped out at Shay Dee below also jumped out at me. I bet you could pitch each of these on the 12th just fine--they are all just a bit different and will hopefully net a wide audience :). I think I liked #3 the best because it is clearest about the setting (female utopia) and the conflict (cyborgs taking friend), though I didn't quite get the connection between the cyborgs & mum from it, like I did with some of the others. could very well be just me though. I'm still drinking my a.m. coffee. But maybe "her mother's cyborgs take her friend away" would clarify the mother's role (assuming I've inferred correctly).
I also like #1 because of the unexpected reversal there at the end, with her mother. I wonder if that one could be worked over to include the mention of utopia, maybe by tightening it up, leaving out Jenna's last name for example.
In #5, at the end was it meant to read "and her mom is collecting" ?
Best of luck to you!
I agree with Sharon! They are all very tight, I'm sure you'll use all three. Something about the choice in the third one, though gives it--I'm not sure, heart perhaps? I wonder if both "his home razed" is needed, since by "who slaughtered his tribe" sort of implies it? It's a good hook, though so...unless you really wanted to fit in some other element, I'm sure it's fine as is.
Such great comments, everyone. Thank you all! I played with your suggestions:
1) Reluctant war criminal, teen German soldier & violated violist stuck behind enemy lines. BEL CANTO in WWII from enemy POV. HistFic #PitMad
2) A reluctant war criminal & teen soldier lovesick for officer–trapped w/ vengful violist behind enemy lines. Twisted love story. HFic #pitmad
3)German lieutenant tries to atone for warcrime by protecting exiled woman--until men mutiny & Allied forces close in. dark, tense HF #pitmad
Thanks a lot Ava!
Gosh I've had three people like all different ones!
The first one I was trying to be smart :( and play with words but well, I suppose that can get TOO confusing. By screw I meant "mess with" but then thought "ah, let's play with that" and then added "female conquest" when in truth I literally meant, "defeating a woman" and not in the sexual term.
so WHOOPS! lol
The second one I agree in regards to MC issue and I actually thought the last one would be the lamest so I'm glad you like it!:P
I think getting the stakes across is most important so I came up with a new one:
Amid freedom fights, Lance learns the city’s dictator & lead activist are associated. Now he has hours to fight for his life. NA/F #pitmad
If my story is told from two POV's (alternating first person) do you think it'll be okay to use different sets of pitch tweets for both characters? Or is that a no-no?
Also, as I've come up with a few different pitches, I wanted to ask how many you use. I I know over tweeting is bad but as it's over 12 hours can you tweet a different pitch per hour or is it best to only use three?
Thanks again for all your feedback Ava:p
I thought the same thing at first but I think it is her Mom's because it's a female utopia, right? No guys! So if you have two parents they'll be two women? Am I right? Hope I am lol
Hello Kara! You've had a lot of great suggestions here, so I'm not going to rehash everything because I agree with Wendy (and I like the curtain thing she suggested). If you've had success with the proposal, death, Sound of Music thing, then go ahead and keep that for one of your pitches, but I'd recommend writing another one where you make the plot and stakes more clear. If you do that, feel free to post it and I'll critique it in more detail. :)
oh, I didn't even think of that. Then I suppose it would be "moms" without the apostrophe, so it's not confused as a possessive.
Yeah it would. I added that apostrophe all by myself. *slowly pushes coffee away*
Hi Sharon! Definitely not too late to join in—I'll be taking pitches for critique until tomorrow at midnight. :)
Your story sounds really interesting! I like the idea of a not-so-utopian female utopia. I think your strongest pitch is three with five and seven as close seconds. What I really liked about it is that you set up the world (female utopia), the problem (her bff disappearing) and the antagonist (plot twist! her mom). Five I liked too, but I wasn't 100% sure what "her moms are collecting" meant. Collecting what? Seven I liked, but you didn't tell us much about the world (which works just fine in that pitch, but it's why three won out as my favorite).
If you want specific feedback on a certain pitch, let me know. Otherwise, great job and good luck!
Thank you! A lot of people seem to like the third one. :)
Thanks for the feedback, Wendy! I really appreciate it. ^_^
And yes, I do intend to use all three. But I was pleasantly surprised to see how many people preferred the last one, which has had the least tinkering. Woot!
Okay, here we go! I'll post mine, then critique!
1. MGmys-12yo Rebecca must search an abandoned farm & uncover a tragic family secret—or the desperate ghost stalking her will never rest#PitMad
2. MGmys-Determined to stop the creepy ghost that haunts her, 12yoRebecca follows clues in old letters & uncovers a tragic family secret#PitMad
3. MGmys-Terrifying nightmares. An abandoned farm. A creepy nemesis. 12yo Rebecca must face each to stop the chilling ghost that haunts her#PitMad
I like the first one best (loved Bel Canto!). In the 2nd and 3rd, I'd take out the words you use to describe the book (twisted love story, dark, tense) and use those freed-up spaces to better describe the story. Show, don't tell, if you know what I mean?
I like the first one best. To make it clearer, you can say:
NA/R kat curses her mixed-up brain til it lands her sexy Alec as a tutor. But falling for her boyfriend's bestie is not a smart move #PitMad
I personally liked all three, although I find 1 and 2 to be the strongest as two leads onto an extra element, and although it's still interesting the stakes aren't there as much. In fact that could be the whole story right there! Beginning middle and end nicely wrapped up (of course I know this isn't the case :p)
So my only suggestion would be to maybe explore that family secret and what stakes it would raise now that it's been uncovered. Other than that, I think you have two very strong pitches.
See what someone else says and perhaps go from there.
Good luck!
Hi mbelec,
The pern reference was lost on me... but love the Lost reference! Wondering if Lia bonds with the dragon, does that mean she can't be with her love somehow if he survives, or does it threaten their love in any way? That would make the stakes higher - either way she may lose him...
The last one is intriguing. If you write "their" ship instead of "her" ship, it makes it clearer that the Lia and the survivors were together. Then take out "the" before "survivors" and it fits in 140 characters.
Hope this helps!
Hi Wendy! So I agree with Shay about your first two being the strongest. My favorite is the second one and I think your story sounds interesting. :)
Here's what I've got for each one specifically:
MGmys-12yo Rebecca must search an abandoned farm & uncover a tragic family secret—or the desperate ghost stalking her will never rest#PitMad
At the end of it, the only thing I'm left wondering is what will happen if the ghost doesn't stop stalking her. I guess I'd like a hint of a detail about how exactly it's affecting her, but otherwise I think this is pretty solid.
2. MGmys-Determined to stop the creepy ghost that haunts her, 12yoRebecca follows clues in old letters & uncovers a tragic family secret#PitMad
This one I really like, because I like how you lead up to her discovering her tragic family secret. As Shay said, the stakes aren't quite so clear, but you do give us a sense of them by saying that she's determined to stop the ghost that's haunting her. Again, if you wanted to make it even stronger, maybe make the stakes clearer by showing us why it's so bad that the ghost won't leave her alone, but I think you've got a very strong base here.
3. MGmys-Terrifying nightmares. An abandoned farm. A creepy nemesis. 12yo Rebecca must face each to stop the chilling ghost that haunts her#PitMad
The reason this one doesn't work quite as well for me is because rather than giving us specifics about your plot, you give us snippets of vague references to your plot. The first two are much more clear about what happens, rather than giving us spooky images related to what happens. Does that make sense?
I hope this helps! Overall I think you're in great shape, so good luck!
Yay! thanks so much. Appreciate your feedback!!!
Whoops! Ha ha I see what you meant to go with...and "screw" can mean "mess with" but especially combined with "conquest" I was thinking the other thing. Heh heh...
Anyway! Your new pitch is much improved. The only thing I'm wondering is what the big deal is about the city's dictator and lead activist being associated. I read that and thought "ok...so what?" I love the next line, however. Hours to fight for his life? Awesome stakes, AND a sense of a ticking clock, so even better. If you clarify the first sentence, I think you'll be golden.
As for the multi POV thing, I think it's totally find to use different pitches for each character. I have a dual-POV novel, too, and I personally chose to focus on one character more than the other, but I think if you can craft interesting pitches from both POVs, then more power to you. :)
I personally tend to use somewhere between three-four (maybe five if I manage to make five really well-polished pitches). I think you can pitch as many different pitches as you'd like. I like to do three to four because it allows me to see which ones are getting the most attention (via RTs, faves or comments) and then send those out more often. But that's more a matter of strategy than set-in-stone rules. :)
Absolutely! ^_^ Happy to help!
Great! Thanks for your comments. 140 characters is SO HARD!
Number 2 is great, it sounds like a neat story!
Alright, let's try this on!
Anna is stuck in a rut. She’s ready to break out, but it’ll take a proposal, a death, & The Sound of Music to help her get free. #PitMad NA
How about:
Amid hours of freedom fighting, Lance learns the city’s dictator & lead activist are the same person. Now he has hours to live. NA/F #pitmad
Ey? Ey?!
I mean, I don't know how acceptable it is to reveal big twists in your plot in hope of catching someones eye. If you're lucky enough they read your synopsis don't they? So maybe it's okay if you have more than one twist along the way. *fingers crossed*
I think I may adopt that strategy and,well, let's face it, creating these things ain't easy. Better to have four strong ones that 18 so-so ones!
Thanks everyone for the comments! I'll make some tweaks.
Oooooohhhh! That makes SUCH a difference! Honestly, I used to stray away from revealing plot twists, but then I realized that it's often better to give away a plot twist and garner interest than it is to dance around a plot twist and...not. So yes. I say do it, especially if you have more than one twist. And I agree! So much better to have a couple stellar ones than several ok ones. :D
The ONE thing I'm wondering...is the activist supposed to be fighting against the dictator? Is she/he like some kind of rebel? If so, I think making that clear would solidify the twist. But either way, I like this pitch quite a bit. :)
Hmmm, ok. So I'm still not entirely clear on the stakes. Three questions you want to try to answer in every pitch are:
1) What does your MC want (that is, what is his/her goal)?
2) What is standing in his/her way of achieving that goal/ what is stopping him/her from achieving that goal?
3) What will happen if she/he fails to achieve that goal? What do they have to lose?
If you answer those three questions, I think we'll have a much clearer picture of the stakes in your book.
Thanks a lot Ava, that's a keeper then :p
And yup, they are indeed against one another, so to speak. It's a case of her past (influential) "masked" activism coming back to haunt her now that she is the leader of the same totalitarian rule she once fought against.
So definitely, if I can worm that into another pitch I may just have at least two strong ones and two good ones.
You've been a big help to a lot of people, Ava. I know you already know this but I'm telling you again anyways :D
Again, thanks a mil, and I wish you the best of luck come Thursday!
Thanks! I'll make changes and re-post. :)
Thank you for the feedback! I'll make changes
Thank you for the help!
Thanks Wendy for your input (love your name, by the way :D ) I've reworked the descriptive bits as you suggested...I've worked Bel Canto into a second version, and tried to better describe the woman. Can't decide if "ex-consort" sounds ridiculous or not!
The feedback you've already gotten is great, so I'm not sure if I can add much. I think I like #1 the best--maybe because I'm partial to em-dashes. But I like the effect of saving the threat to the end.
#2 works for me too, but like Shay said, maybe the tragic family secret could be just a bit more explicit? Yeah, those dang 140 characters, heh.
#3 is more of a mood pitch...it shows the atmosphere, but it's harder to see how the different elements are related, and what they have to do with stopping the ghost.
Best of luck to you!
Okay I'm trying again :)
1) Sophia falls for her professor. Her idyllic dreams evaporate
when she learns he’s an abusive polygamist molding her. Adult Thriller #pitmad
2) Sophia falls for her professor. The relationship is far from
her beloved gossip pages. He’s an abusive polygamist. Adult Thriller #pitmad
Quiana! This is much better. I definitely understand what's going on now, and the genre is much clearer. :)
Sophia falls for her professor. Her idyllic dreams evaporate when she learns he’s an abusive polygamist molding her. Adult Thriller #pitmad
This is great. We understand the abuse, and the twist with the polygamy aspect. The only thing I'm not entirely sure about is what you mean by he's "molding her." If you could reword that to make it clearer, I think you'll be set. :)
Sophia falls for her professor. The relationship is far from her beloved gossip pages. He’s an abusive polygamist. Adult Thriller #pitmad
I think this is good too, but if you want to add more punch, I'd recommend combining the last two sentences with an em dash and maybe adding "but" if you can fit it? "But the relationship is far from her beloved gossip pages—he's an abusive polygamist."
Either way, minor changes. Great job!
Here are my three tweets. Thanks for reading!
YA: Geeky Nora, 17, doesn’t know much about love or being a witch, but must use psychic powers to reunite two Colonial era ghosts. #PitMad
YA: William needs Nora's help getting back with Bridget. Too bad he's a scary 400 yr old ghost, and Bridget is, too. Breakups suck. #PitMad
YA: Nora, 17, inherits Nana's witty banter, witchy powers, and oh, yeah, 2 murderous lovesick ghosts who need her help pronto. #PitMad
I've written a few versions of my pitch for Thursday. Any and all feedback is appreciated. I look forward to reading through everyone's pitches and helping where I can.
The first is my original pitch madness pitch:
1. In Uganda Ricky faces death daily w/ a gun & machete, but when he escapes the LRA he must face a crueler adversary: life YA-C #pitmad
2. A LONG WALK TO WATER meets Joseph Kony's LRA in true story of 2 child soldiers fighting for freedom & a future in N. Uganda YA-C #pitmad
3. As a child soldier Ricky faces death w/ a gun & machete, but when he escapes, he faces a new challenge: rebuilding his life YA-C #pitmad
4. In Uganda death stalks children w/ guns & machetes, but when Ricky escapes the LRA, he fights for them w/1 weapon: his story YA-C #pitmad
5. Kony armed children w/ guns & machetes. After escaping the LRA, Ricky fights his former captor armed w/ 1 weapon: his story. YA-C #pitmad
6. In Uganda Obeno is the cloth moms use to carry babies. To child soldier Ricky it is code for home & his vow to someday return YAC #pitmad
Interesting premise! To show the conflict how about:
Nora doesn't know much about being a witch & even less about love, but must master both to reunite 2 colonial era ghosts.
My only question is what's at stake? What happens if she doesn't reunite the ghosts?
What about instead of the word molding, you use grooming? I think that's the term they use when referring to a victim being manipulated prior to abuse.
Thanks Keely. The ghosts threaten her life and sanity. It's so hard to get it all in 140 characters...sigh.
I like that suggestion. Grooming definitely gets that sense across.
I think number 3 is so powerful.Number 4, too. In number 2, I can't tell if it is fiction or not. I think if possible, it is good to include Uganda as the setting. I assume more people know the child soldier issue than the LRA. Good luck!
Hi Betsy! I agree with Keely about getting the stakes across. You play around with some voice in your pitches, which is good, but the stakes are unclear. I'd definitely recommend rewriting a couple where you're more specific about the ghosts threatening her life/sanity. Getting the stakes across in a pitch is pretty important.
If you post a revision, I'd be happy to take another look at it. :)
Ok. I had to play around with the words to make it fit, but how about:
Nora knows little of being a witch and even less of love, but must master both to reunite ghosts w/ past loves or lose her future.
Wow! What a powerful story. Like Betsy, I wasn't entirely sure if it was fiction or not (number 2 threw me off when you said it was a true story).
My favorites are three and five. Both are really powerful and set up the setting and story. The stakes aren't 100% clear (that is, what Ricky has to lose), but it's sort of implied? At any rate, I think those pitches work best because they are the clearest as far as the story and character goes. You may want to try to make the stakes a little clearer, but otherwise I think you're golden. Great job. :)
Sounds like you're set, then! Definitely see if you can wiggle that information in somewhere, but you've got some great pitches ready. :)
And thank you, Shay! Always good to hear when I've been able to help. ^_^
Good luck on Thursday! I'll be keeping an eye out for your pitches.
Thank you! Best of luck to you as well.
Thanks Ava! It is based on a true story. I've been working with Ricky for 1 1/2 years. Tough to fit based on true events in pitch,so perhaps I should cut true story from pitch 2 to avoid confusion.
Love the idea of highlighting what's at stake after he escapes. I'll play around with it tomorrow and repost if I come up with anything.
Thanks so much for this opportunity!
Wow! You're so welcome. If it's based off a true story, should it be classified as YA NF (Non-fiction) or memoir? Contemporary tends to indicate fiction. Also, I think it's awesome that it's based off a true story—makes the whole thing even more powerful. :)
Regardless of whether or not you post a revision, I wish you all the best on Thursday!
Thanks Ava! Genre is a tough call on this one. I researched Linda Sue Park's A LONG WALK TO WATER as it is a similar set up and is based on the true story of a lost boy of Sudan. Its listed as everything from Contemporary Realistic Fiction to Multicultural Fiction to historical fiction. hard to pinpoint and with limited characters, even harder. ;) As for the story, it's been a life changing experience to get to know Ricky and an honor to write about his life. He's truly an inspiration.
I don't know if I can do all that in a tweet, but at the very least you and Wendy have given me some great ideas on how to improve my query letter! Thank you very much!
You're very welcome, Kara! Good luck!
Thanks! That's a great point. Here are the revisions.
YA: Geeky Nora knows nothing about love or being a witch, but must reunite Colonial-era ghosts who will otherwise kill her. #PitMad
YA: Nora, 17, inherits Nana's witty banter, witchy powers & oh, yeah, 2 murderous lovesick ghosts who want her help or her death. #PitMad
YA: William needs Nora's help with his ex- girlfriend. Too bad he's a scary 400 yr old ghost and will kill Nora if she fails. #PitMad
And just like that, the stakes are in. :D
Great job! Definitely much more clear now. I love the revisions!
Oh wow. Yeah, genre definitely sounds complicated. Either way, your book sounds very powerful and I can just imagine what that experience must have been like. I think you may actually want to test out the true story bit, just to see. You might attract some professionals who are interested in non-fiction type books. Just a thought. :)
Couldn't sleep. Brain is on twitter pitch overload. Here is one pitch I tweaked and a new one.
A LONG WALK TO WATER meets Kony's LRA. Based on the true story of a child soldier fighting for his freedom & future in N Uganda.
Based on a true story. Child soldier Ricky escapes Kony's LRA, but must face his captor & past in a fight for his life & future.
Ok, going to bed. 6am is rapidly approaching. :)
There you go! Much better. Well done.
Same here! *salute*
This sounds fantastic. I like your revised version above, but I also really liked #4. To me, that was the most clear that it's HIS story so the genre confusion is less relevant. Best of luck!
Love this concept! A couple of nitpicks: you might be able to take out the "mys" to save space. MG might be enough here and the mystery is clear. I liked the first one a lot, except that "letting her rest" reminded me more of a ghost resting in peace. Maybe "or a desperate ghost will never stop stalking her"?
Looks like a lot of people like #3 so I'll be a dissenter and say that one seemed like it had too much going on and not enough focus to me. But I LOVED #5. The stakes were so clear. Maybe replace "Friend" with BFF so you have space for the genre? Good luck with this!
I'm really sneaking in at the tail end of this, but here are a couple of my potential pitches. Thanks in advance for any help!
1) YA SF When Lilja wins a spot on Icelandic Power Corp's space station, she discovers Finnur's right--they're causing earthquakes. #PitMad
2) YA SF Lilja is thrilled to soar into space with the Icelandic Power Corp--until she discovers they're causing earthquakes at home. #PitMad
3) YA SF Lilja wants to soar into space with the Icelandic Power Corp--until she discovers they're causing earthquakes in Iceland. #PitMad
Oooooh, I am intrigued by this pitch! I did find a few things confusing, but the things I loved best were the Bel Canto comparison, "reluctant war hero" and I'd definitely call this YA HF, if the protagonist is a teen. The things that confused me were that in some of the pitches it seems like it's a German soldier who's the protag, and in others a teenage girl. So I wanted to have a clear picture of who the MC is. Maybe focus on him/her for the pitch? This story is definitely up my alley so hit me up if you need a beta reader or someone to look over your query/first chapter. I'm kiperoo on twitter. Best of luck!
Ava, just wanted to add my own thanks for doing this! I loved your pitches too. My personal favorite was #3--I guess it just seemed less cluttered with info? I can see where you'd want to clarify that Eros is half-human, but it kind of tripped me up and didn't seem 100% essential when we see his foe is alien. But best of luck however you end up pitching!!
LOVE this first pitch!! Sounds awesome and hope you get tons of requests!
Ooooh, totally agree with Patchi's suggestion. Both those elements--the comparison and the specifics of Kira's stakes--really shine here. Good luck!
I know it's close to the wire, but I'd love to get some quick input on the pitches I whipped up. I look forward to checking out as many others as I can with (hopefully!) helpful feedback.
1 - A force stronger than love brings Rani and Isa together. A forgotten god will stop at nothing to find them. #NA #Fantasy #PitMad
2 - Defying family, logic, and law, Rani and Isa risk it all to be together. A forgotten god will risk it all to stop them. #NA #Fantasy #PitMad
3 - An ancient prophecy draws Rani and Isa together. A forgotten god risks everything—even murder—to stop its fulfillment. #NA #Fantasy #PitMad
Thank you in advance for your help!
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