How (Not) to Write the Perfect Query Letter

Photo credit: donovanbeeson on Flickr
I've noticed that there's been an astonishing lack of posts about the elusive query letter on this blog. I suppose there are a few reasons for that—namely, that when I figure out how to write the perfect, foolproof query letter from heaven, I'll let you guys know—but considering the huge role query letters play, especially for writers who want to go the traditional route and would like an agent, this really must be remedied.

So. The query letter isn't an exact science—in fact if you check out the interwebs, you'll find a lot of conflicting advice not just from writers, but from agents, which can really be rather confusing when you're looking for some solid query-letter-writing advice.

So naturally you end up here. Right? Right.

In a similar flash of brilliance that led me to write my How to Write a Masterpiece post, I have in fact unwittingly stumbled upon a chest of infinite query letter wisdom, that I feel compelled to share with you guys. You're welcome.

HOW TO WRITE THE PERFECT QUERY LETTER*:

  • Begin with Dear Sir/ Madam/ Agent/ You Awesome Person, You. First impressions are everything, and what better way to start off one of the most important letters of your writing career than with a general sir/madam opening?

  • Include a photo of yourself, your three cats and your pet parrot. How can any sane agent say no to your parrot's adorable face?
  • Declare your book to be the next Harry Potter/ Great Gatsby/ The Catcher in the Rye/ Hunger Games. This shows the agent that two things: 1) you like to read (or you at least know the names of uber-popular books) and 2) you're very confident in your work, and confidence is key!
  • Make sure your query letter is an attachment. I mean really, who types their query letters in the body of the e-mail anymore, anyway?
  • Send your query letter via Twitter. Bonus points for fitting your query into 140 characters!
  • Send your query letter to the agent in a long list of agent e-mails. Not only do you save yourself the time of sending each e-mail individually, but now the agent knows who they're up against.
  • Include the full manuscript as an attachment with the query letter. You already know they're going to want to read the full, anyway. You're just saving them the extra time of having to e-mail you and ask for it!
  • Include lots! Of exclamation points!!! And sentence fragments! And typos! Yay!!!!
  • Include a blurb from your mother. No self-respecting agent will even look at your manuscript unless it has the Mommy seal of approval.
  • Write a book that's 200,000 words long. Instant approval.
  • In fact, send the query letter before you've even finished writing the book. Fully written manuscripts are overrated, anyway.
  • Query three different manuscripts in one query letter. Not only does this increase your chances of the agent possibly liking one of your manuscripts, but they also know you're a prolific writer. Win-win.
  • Call them immediately after you send it. You know, to give them the heads up that your fantastic query letter is on its way and they should probably stop whatever they’re doing to read it immediately.
  • Send your query letter to every agent at the agency simultaneously. One of them are bound to like it, right?

There are actually many more ways to write the perfect query letter, but this post would be ridiculously long if I gave you all of the query-writing secrets. Besides, I want to hear from you guys: what query letter secrets do you have to share?

* DISCLAIMER: By "perfect" query letter, I mean absolutely horrendous don't-you-even-think-about doing this in your query letter. You know, in case my sarcasm didn't come off as obvious as it did in my head. 

27 comments:

  1. You crack me up and thanks for the smile. Always a good read

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am going to go do all these things RIGHT NOW!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Don't forget the picture of your parrot! 

    ReplyDelete
  4.  I don't have a parrot, so I'm going to send pictures of my cats wearing animated Christmas hats, made with SuperPhotoCollageLite(TM)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Funny post, Ava Jae :-) Although I have two questions.

    You say 'Include full manuscript!' as a don't-you-even-dare-thinking-about-it. However I've seen quite a few publishers' websites where they command you to send your manuscript as complete as you can

    And a beginning with 'Dear Sir/Madam', what the hell is wrong with that?Apparantely I was on the verge of making a terrible mistake xD 

    ReplyDelete
  6. Naturally if a publisher's website asks you to send your complete manuscript with the query letter, then adhere to the guidelines. Most times with agent however, it'll specifically say in their guidelines not to send an unsolicited manuscript. Usually agents only want a couple of pages or a chapter of your manuscript to accompany the query letter. As always though, check the guidelines. :) 

    As for "Dear Sir/Madam," it's best to personalize your query letter so it doesn't look like you're sending out a mass letter to every publisher/agent who will accept query letters without even bothering to personalize the letter. I don't know the protocol with publishers as I've never sent a query letter directly to a publisher (so...maybe it's ok in that case? I'm honestly not sure, but if you know what editor you're sending it to, I imagine that would probably be best), but when it comes to sending queries to agents, you definitely want to personalize the letter not only in the heading, but within the letter itself--tweaking it to fit that specific agent. 

    ReplyDelete
  7. Dang, but I like to share me and my cats with the world.

    ReplyDelete
  8. "Not only do you
    save yourself the time of sending each e-mail individually, but now the agent
    knows who they're up against." This made me laugh out loud. Fantastic!

    ReplyDelete
  9. I'm thinking of hand-delivering my query and waiting while they read it. That way I can get immediate feedback and answer any questions they have, like how much money I want for an advance and whether I want my royalties direct deposit or in suitcases of cash.

    Thanks for the giggle...

    ReplyDelete
  10. Share it with the world! Just keep it out of your query letter. :) 

    ReplyDelete
  11. Thanks, Paige! It was a fun post to write. ^_^ 

    ReplyDelete
  12. Lol! That actually made me snicker, so thanks for the laugh right back at you. :) 

    Hand-delivering your query...what an image. 

    ReplyDelete
  13. I send mine with a little box of jelly beans. That will DEFINITELY set my letter on the top of the pile. 

    I also tell them I'll send a whole pound bag if they request the full manuscript.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Hands up if you have done any of these!.... Ah, I'm so glad the internet isn't permanently camera-enabled! 

    ReplyDelete
  15. Love it! Bribery with candy equals guaranteed success. ;) 

    ReplyDelete
  16. Ha, definitely a good thing the internet isn't permanently camera-enabled...could you imagine? 

    Thanks so much for the nomination! I really appreciate the thought! 

    ReplyDelete
  17. You seem to have overlooked "threats" as in, "You bastard! You didn't respond to my last four queries, but you'd better write back about this one!" Also, be sure to state (if appropriate) that you've written a FICTION novel.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Ha! Those are great, I love them! I'm surprised I forgot about the fiction novel thing, considering I'm pretty nit-picky about that... 

    ReplyDelete
  19. Ava Jae, you have the best resources on your blog. Just thought you should know (which you probably already do). Have a great weekend!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Oh wow, thank you Amberr! Hope your weekend is wonderful!

    ReplyDelete
  21. I loved these ideas until I got to the disclaimer at the end.  Then I was just confused.  So sending physical query letters filled with glitter in the envelope, to stand out and leave them a reminder of you all over their floor for months, would be a good idea, no?

    ReplyDelete
  22. Although query letters filled with glitter would make their floor look sparkly for months, which would then cause them to fondly remember your letter every time they walked into their office, that's probably an idea best left to the books. :)

    ReplyDelete
  23. Sad that you had to add a disclaimer, but so true! It's a tough business with an abundance of info out there, so it was great to get a laugh. You might want to add "resend every couple of days until you hear back". You know how unreliable email can be!

    ReplyDelete
  24. I like that addition! Great way to circumvent those spam filters, right? Right. :D

    ReplyDelete
  25. You forgot to ALWAYS start with a rhetorical question. They're, like, the epitome of writerly genius. 
    And, of course, chocolate is a must!

    ReplyDelete
  26. Yes! Of course, how did I forget? Even better if you combine the two--a rhetorical question about chocolate because everyone loves chocolate. 

    ReplyDelete