Fixing the First Page Feature #24

Photo credit: University of Central Arkansas on Flickr

I don't know how this has happened, but it's nearly July!

As per usual, I'll start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I'll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (because I'm one person with one opinion!), as long as it's polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be unceremoniously deleted.

Okay. Here we go.


Title: THE GUN IN THE PURSE

Genre: YA Science Fiction

First 250 words: 

"I need coffee. 

The rich smell from the campus coffee stand, across the plaza from my table, drags my mind from my last minute cramming. I set my screen down and lean back in my chair, pulling my coppery hair into a ponytail. The thick strands refuse to cooperate, but finally I wrestle them into a hairband. Closing my eyes, I tilt my head back to let the sun warm my face. The golden rays caress my skin, though I know the danger those rays hold.  

Yawning, I pick up the screen and scroll back to the beginning of the document to start again. The heading jumps out at me. Midterm Notes - March 17, 2107 - 11AM. I glance at my wrist to check the time on my phone. 10:37 AM. Not long now. The battery blinks red, and I sigh, detaching the phone from my wristlet. I forgot to charge it after classes yesterday, so now I unfold the phone’s panels and spread them to soak up the sunlight. The small solar panels sparkle, sending pinpricks of light scattering across my arms and face. 

My eyes follow the familiar words as I reread the study guide, mouthing them silently. This midterm is one of the last hoops I have to jump through at Dasset Prep before I graduate and secure a job at the Environmental Impact Agency, where I’m an intern. I stayed up late last night to cram, even though I’ve been studying for weeks, but my stomach still twists as the test approaches. 

Laughter from the table next to mine breaks my concentration, and I look up to see a group of students from my class."

Hmmm interesting. Okay, so at this point I'm not seeing any massive, glaring issues that need to be immediately addressed, but I'm not 100% sure this is quite compelling enough either. It'd be enough to get me reading to the next page, which is good, but I'd also be thinking if this doesn't pick up quickly, I'm probably going to put it down again. Not because this is bad, but because starting right before a big test is somewhat common (I'm reminded of Divergent here) so I'm really looking for something different that's going to grab me and pull me into the story.

It's hard to say just off this whether or not we're starting in the right place—I'm guessing the upcoming test is the inciting incident? And I do see hints at conflict and tension here, which is great and the main reason I'd be willing to keep reading for a couple more pages to see what happens.

Okay! Now for the in-line, nit-picky notes:

"I need coffee. 

The rich smell from the campus coffee stand, across the plaza from my table, drags my mind from my last-minute cramming. I set my screen down and lean back in my chair, pulling wrestling my thick, coppery hair into a ponytail (I'm combining the next sentence with this one to condense a bit). The thick strands refuse to cooperate, but finally I wrestle them into a hairband. Closing my eyes, I tilt my head back to let the sun warm my face. The golden rays caress my skin—dangerous, but [insert reason why she's sunbathing anyway]., though I know the danger those rays hold.  I'm suggesting this adjustment to remove the filter phrase of "I know."

Yawning, I pick up the screen and scroll back to the beginning of the document to start again:. The heading jumps out at me. Midterm Notes - March 17, 2107 - 11AM. Clever way to get the date in. I glance at my wrist to check the time on my phone. 10:37 AM. Not long now. Okay, so the main thing I'm missing from your protagonist right now is emotion. How does she feel about her upcoming test? Nervous? Excited? Eager to get it over with? Apathetic? Whatever the answer is, I want to feel something from your protagonist to get a better read on what's going on—but right now it's unclear how your protagonist feels about this test. The battery blinks red, and I sigh, detaching the phone from my wristlet. I forgot to charge it after classes yesterday, so now I unfold the phone’s panels and spread them to soak up the sunlight. The small solar panels sparkle, sending pinpricks of light scattering across my arms and face. Cool! But what does this feel like? 

My eyes gaze follow the familiar words as I reread the study guide, mouthing them silently(nitpicky, but her eyes aren't actually going anywhere). This midterm is one of the last hoops I have to jump through at Dasset Prep before I graduate and secure a job at the Environmental Impact Agency, where I’m an intern. Okay, that's fine, but is that what she wants? Again, I'm not really sure how she feels about any of this. I stayed up late last night to cram, even though I’ve been studying for weeks, but my stomach still twists as the test approaches. Good! This is what I'm talking about when I say I want to see hints of emotion from her—now just add a lot more in so we can read her emotions from the start.

Laughter from the table next to mine breaks my concentration, and I look up to see a glance at the group of students from my class (made this adjustment to remove the filtering of "see")."

Okay, so all in all I think you're almost there, but could use a push a little deeper into the protagonist's POV, which may actually be the key to upping the tension enough to make this a stronger hook. If I saw this in the slush, I would cautiously keep reading, but as I said above, I'd be looking for something to grab me and grab me quickly before I moved on to something else.

I hope that helps! Thanks for sharing your first 250 with us, Jes!

Would you like to be featured in a Fixing the First Page Feature? Keep an eye out for the next critique giveaway in July!

Twitter-sized bite:

.@Ava_Jae talks deepening character POV, filter phrases, and more in the 24th Fixing the First Page critique. (Click to tweet)