Fixing the First Page Feature #10

Photo credit: Willy D on Flickr

It's time for the tenth (!) fixing the first page critique! Woot! As always, I'll start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I'll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (I'm just one person with one opinion!), as long as it's polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be unceremoniously deleted.

Okay! Let's do this.

Title: NOTEBOOK SPAWN

Genre/Category: YA Contemporary Fantasy

First 250: 

"To be fair, when I chucked my shoe at the phone, I didn’t think I was going to hit it. It was dark, I was groggy, and my aim is questionable even when I can see. But I threw it and I hit it and the call from Gladys got rejected—oops. 

 'What are we going to do about this?' Grandpa asks. He would yell, but it’s three in the morning, and even he has his limits. 'You know the rules! We always answer the phone. Always! What if Gladys hadn’t called my cell?' 

I squirm under his baleful gaze.  'You wouldn’t know to leave.' 

'No, I wouldn’t!' He runs a hand through his thinning hair and paces the kitchen, nitpicking his thoughts before speaking again. 'I’m a doctor. One of the most experienced doctors the Guild has to offer.' 

'I know,' I say. 

'Can you guess why she called? Hm?'  

I sit up straighter. 'Because her draft is expecting a litter. I do listen, Grandpa—' 

'Then why don’t you act like it?' he demands. 'We are Babewyns, Lindsay—we exist to serve and protect. Shirking your chores? Rejecting our instructions? What does that tell me?' 

'Look, I’m sorry,' I say. 'What do you want me to do? Come with you?' 

'Absolutely not,' he scoffs. 'Go clean the litter box. Or can I trust you with even that?' 

 'Maybe not,' I mutter, throwing him a dirty look. 'But at least I know better than to trust the Babewyn Guild.'"

Okay, so first impression: I like the dialogue going back and forth here—it's snappy and fun to read. Second impression: I have no idea what's going on or where this scene is taking place.

The dialogue itself is fairly well-written, there are just a few things I'll probably tweak below. But to me, the biggest problem is what this opening is missing: context and some sort of grounding details. Naturally, readers don't need to (and definitely shouldn't) know everything in the first 250, but right now I know virtually nothing about what is happening or where this is happening.

Now the in-line notes:

"To be fair, when I chucked my shoe at the phone, I didn’t think I was going to hit it. It was dark, I was groggy, and my aim is questionable even when I can see. Cute! I like this. But I threw it and I hit it and the call from Gladys got rejected—oops. I like this too—nice voice! :) 

 'What are we going to do about this?' Grandpa asks. He would yell, but it’s three in the morning, and even he has his limits. 'You know the rules!—Wwe always answer the phone. Always! What if Gladys hadn’t called my cell?' A few things here. First, if he isn't yelling, we need to get rid of these exclamation points (because otherwise it sounds like he's yelling). Second, if they have cell phones, and they knew the call was from Gladys...couldn't they just have called back? I don't understand why this is such a big deal. People accidentally hang up on each other all the time. It takes two seconds to call back. 

I squirm under his baleful gaze.  'You wouldn’t know to leave.' 

'No, I wouldn’t!.' He runs a hand through his thinning hair and paces the kitchen, nitpicking his thoughts before speaking again. The detail about the kitchen is good, but I'd like to see a little more. Not a lot, mind you, but enough so I can picture where this scene is taking place. Just a couple sentences scattered throughout the dialogue and having the characters interact with their surroundings would do the trick. Also, I'm removing the bit about "nitpicking his thoughts" because technically our protagonist can't know what's going on in his head. 'I’m a doctor. One of the most experienced doctors the Guild has to offer.' 

'I know,' I say. This feels too "As you know, Bob," particularly given that she responds with "I know." Is there another way you can subtly slip it in without him directly stating it? It could be a quick thought she has after the next line, even. But this exchange just feels funny to me.

'Can you guess why she called? Hm?'  

I sit up straighter. 'Because her draft is expecting a litter. I do listen, Grandpa—' 

'Then why don’t you act like it?' he demands. 'We are Babewyns, Lindsay—we exist to serve and protect. Shirking your chores? Rejecting our instructions? What does that tell me?' 

'Look, I’m sorry,' I say. 'What do you want me to do? Come with you?' 

'Absolutely not,' he scoffs. 'Go clean the litter box. Or can I trust you with even that?' 

 'Maybe not,' I mutter, throwing him a dirty look. 'But at least I know better than to trust the Babewyn Guild.'" These last couple lines happen in a vacuum—that is, we don't get any sensory information and our characters don't really interact with anything. I'd buff up between the lines and gives us a little about their surroundings and have the characters interact with the setting and/or each other. 

Overall, I think this is fun and interesting and pretty well-written. With the tweaks to the dialogue and more details to ground the readers in the setting, I think this could be a strong opening. If I saw this in the slush, I would cautiously continue reading.

I hope this helps! Thanks for sharing your first 250, Heather!

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Twitter-sized bite: 

.@Ava_Jae talks grounding details & avoiding "As you know, Bob" dialogue in the 10th Fixing the 1st Page critique. (Click to tweet)