 |
| Photo credit: stevegarfield on Flickr |
It’s Twitter pitch time! Or at least, it will this Thursday from 8AM to 8PM Eastern. If you’ve never participated in a Twitter pitch party before, the rules and other details are all here.
In preparation for one of my favorite Twitter events of the season, I’m offering Twitter pitch critiques right here at Writability from right now (September 9) to Wednesday, September 11 at midnight EST.
The rules are pretty simple. Post your twitter pitch (or pitches) in the comments and critique three other pitches. I ask that you guys critique each other’s pitches for two reasons: first, it’s common courtesy to pay it forward, and second, I truly believe that you can learn just as much from critiquing other people as you can from receiving a critique.
I’m going to try to get to everyone’s pitches, although if you post more than one and the comments get crowded, I can only promise that I’ll get to one. But I’ll do my best to critique them all. *rolls up sleeves*
For a reminder of the necessary elements in a Twitter pitch, check out this post. And for examples of winning pitches (that is, pitches that got requests) from March's #PitMad event, check out this lovely roundup from Carissa Taylor.
Some tips for the event itself:
- Try not to post more than once an hour. I’d recommend you post twice an hour at most. I understand the temptation of posting several times, particularly when new agents or editors enter the fray, but I promise you that spamming the feed will not do you any favors. Publishing professionals know how to scroll, and by over-tweeting your pitch, all you’re doing is crowding the feed.
- Have more than one pitch ready. I usually like to set up three or four pitches to tweet throughout the day. The reason this is helpful is because sometimes one pitch may not work for one professional, but another does. It also helps fight against pitch fatigue, which can happen when people read the same pitch over and over again.
- Don’t do anything on this list. Read it. Memorize it. Avoid it at all costs.
So that about covers it! To start this off, I’ve posted the three pitches I’m preparing for Thursdays event. Feel free to rip them apart.
When 19 yo 1/2 human rebel soldier Eros is enslaved, he must serve the alien queen who ordered the slaughter of his tribe. NA SF #PitMad
#PitMad A 1/2blood slave & alien queen are framed for her fiancé's attempted murder.THE GIRL OF FIRE & THORNS meets future alien world NA SF
His home razed, Eros must choose: serve the alien queen who ordered his tribe's slaughter or be executed for his true identity NA SF #PitMad
What are you waiting for? Let’s see your pitches! And don’t forget the genre, category and hashtag!
Twitter-sized bites:
CRITIQUE IS NOW CLOSED! THANKS TO ALL WHO PARTICIPATED AND GOOD LUCK! :)
Are you entering #PitMad? Get your pitch critiqued before Thursday's event! (Click to tweet)
Thinking about entering this week's #PitMad? Get a free pitch critique from writer @Ava_Jae here. (Click to tweet)
CRITIQUE IS NOW CLOSED! THANKS TO ALL WHO PARTICIPATED AND GOOD LUCK! :)
347 comments:
«Oldest ‹Older 201 – 347 of 347Thanks for you help, Wendy!
Kip, good point. What do other people think about keeping out the "mys"...? It would be great if I could. Someone also told me I could put "p" for "paranormal" but I haven't seen that used for MG
Hey Kip! I've already mentioned to you before that your story sounds awesome, so I'm happy to see you're pitching again. Woot!
Here are my thoughts on your pitches:
YA SF When Lilja wins a spot on Icelandic Power Corp's space station, she discovers Finnur's right--they're causing earthquakes. #PitMad
So I know what the issue is because I've read your query, but looking straight at your pitch, this one isn't 100% clear on the stakes. We see that the ICP is causing earthquakes, yes...but so what? Why is this important to Lilja? And now what does she have to do? And what will happen if she fails? You've got the set-up here, but we don't really know what Lilja's goal is or what will happen if she fails to achieve that goal.
That being said, I'm relatively sure that the elements of Iceland, a space station and man-made earthquakes alone will get you requests. But it'd be a good idea to create a pitch where Lilja's goal and the stakes are more clear as well. :)
2) YA SF Lilja is thrilled to soar into space with the Icelandic Power Corp--until she discovers they're causing earthquakes at home. #PitMad
This one I think works a little better because we get more of a sense of what the ICP causing earthquakes means to Lilja. But like the previous one, I don't know what Lilja intends to do about it.
I'm not going to crit the third one separately, because it's basically the same thing. As I said above, I think your combined elements are awesome and your story sounds interesting. But I don't think it would hurt to take the time to craft a new query where the stakes and Lilja's goal are more clear. :)
Random tip: Using two dashes to equate an em dash works, but it takes up two characters. If you have a Mac, you can use OPTION + SHIFT + - to create an em dash. I'm not sure the PC shortcut, but I'm sure there's one out there...
Good luck!
When I wrote Paranormal pitches, I always used "Para" which doesn't really save you any characters. Can't say I've seen P for Paranormal, but I suppose it makes sense? Mys worked for me because I understood the genre was Mystery. Not sure how to abbreviate that further.
Nice pitches. I kind of wanted to take a little bit of each of them! Some of the strongest bits to me were:
1. "An ancient prophecy draws Rani and Isa together." (more specific than "a force stronger than love")
2. "A forgotten god will stop at nothing" (great conflict--FYI, the pitches w/the god "risking it all" kind of put me on the god's side)
3. One thing you might want to add is the specific stakes for R&I. Like "A forgotten god will stop at nothing to keep them apart--even murder."
Good luck!
Did I not reply to this? I could have SWORN I replied to this...
Just in case, thank you! I just finished edits and started querying, so I don't need any betas ATM, but I appreciate the interest! :)
Thank you so much, Kip! A couple people mentioned the 1/2 thing tripping them up slightly. I may try with and without just to see. :)
And you're welcome! I love critiquing, so I've enjoyed this as much as everyone else (hopefully) has. ^_^
Hi, Kip! This is the voice of inexperience talking, but the second pitch conveys the MC, plot (the ICP is responsible for earthquakes), and the stakes (safety at home). I like the voice best in that one, too (thrilled and soar are great words!).
If I may, I would suggest you incorporate the third pitch with it, replacing "home" with "in Iceland" if that doesn't exceed your character count. That way it would be more specific, since home to Lilja could be anywhere. However, referring to it as home makes the stakes higher to her, so I see where you're going with that.
Hmm...if you were able to word it in such a way that makes Iceland home, that would work.
I hope this helps!
That helps a ton. Thanks!
Ooooh, great input, Ava! Thank you! I think I have to rethink this pitch to focus on what she does with her discovery instead of the discovery itself. Maybe something like this would work better?
YA SF When Lilja wins a spot on Icelandic Power Corp's space station, she turns traitor to stop the earthquakes they're causing. #PitMad
Welcome, Shelley! You're not too close at all. I've still got 14.5 hours of pitch critiques to go. :)
I agree with Kip entirely. I think you've got some really interesting elements from each of them, and if you mash them together, you'll have some strong pitches. I particularly like Kip's suggestion about adding in the stakes—it definitely adds an extra punch to your pitch.
Also, and this is minor, you don't need to hashtag the category and genre. You can actually save yourself quite a few characters by saying "NA F" instead of "#NA #Fantasy." So just a suggestion. :)
If you post another one with the revisions, I'd be happy to take a more detailed look at it!
Yes! I like this quite a bit. :D Yay!
Thank you so much. It's good to know I'm on the right track. Plus I finally have a good query together after five solid weeks, so I'm fresh from that and I'm in a concise, let's get this over with mood. :D
Here's what I came up with after you and Kip gave me some ideas:
NA F An ancient prophecy draws Rani and Isa together. A forgotten god will stop at nothing—even murder—to keep them apart. #PitMad
(Oh, and thanks for the hashtag tip. I gladly throw my pride out the window and say I'm new to twitter. You saved me from looking like the mom that picks up her kid from middle school wearing a fluorescent orange jacket. And she's not waving at her kid so much as flailing. And she brought him an ice cream cone. Yeah. It's that bad. >_<)
Thanks, Shelley! I actually had that as an alternate ("in Iceland") and it was too long, but I can make it squish if I mess with the punctuation:
YA SF Lilja's thrilled to soar into space with the Icelandic Power Corp-until she discovers they're causing earthquakes in Iceland. #PitMad
I might alternate between this and my new "turned traitor" pitch below and see how it goes. Thanks again!
Cool! Thank you! This will be one of my options then, heh heh. :-)
Ha ha no worries about the hashtag thing. I've seen people do that before, but those characters are better used for the pitch itself. :)
So this is better! I like that murder bit.
Now, I'm going to get a tad bit nit-picky here. While the prophecy thing works, I've seen publishing professionals say recently that they're getting tired of seeing prophecies that dictate the characters' lives. I'd say go ahead and use this for one of your pitches (because there IS a prophecy in your book), but maybe develop a couple other pitches that still have the stakes (Rani and Isa's lives) clear, but focus on something other than the prophecy. I'm thinking maybe combining something like the beginning of two with the ending you have here (I like the beginning of two, because it shows just how determined your characters are to be with each other, prophecy or not).
Does that help?
Awesomeness. Good luck! :)
Yes. Yes it does. And I love it when people get nitpicky. Nobody's better at it than I am. :D
Wow! That's awesome!
What do you think of these?
NA F A force beyond their understanding draws Rani and Isa together. A dark god will stop at nothing, even murder, to keep them apart.#PitMad
NA F Defying logic & law, Rani & Isa risk it all to be together. A silent god will stop at nothing to keep them apart—even murder.#PitMad
NA F An ancient prophecy draws Rani and Isa together. A forgotten god will stop at nothing—even murder—to keep them apart.#PitMad
Like everyone else, I'm in love with this idea! (Need a beta? ; ) I like the ones that you used "child soldier" because even though I've heard of this issue LRA didn't automatically register. Of all your pitches I love #3
Of your two new ones I like the second.
As for genre, you could also consider it an issue book. My YA contemporary is border line issue book too. Just means its about a particular issue (which can be great for marketing, the only negative is that sometimes issue books come off as preachy)
Anyway, you'll get requests. I'd bet on it.
And I'm serious about the beta thing tweet me if you're interested and I'll give you my email @Trombolii
Likewise, Kara :) Best of luck to you, I'll see you at pitmad!
I really love these now that the stakes are set. The first and third are my favorites.
Yes! I am a fan. :) The only thing I'll say is that "silent" doesn't sound all that menacing (and I'm guessing he's supposed to be your antagonist), but otherwise I think these are great. Good luck!
YASpFic Lost meets Pern. When The boy Lia loves is dying, can she find the courage to bond with the heart of a dragon to heal him?
YASpFic When the boy Lia loves lies dying, can she find the courage to bind her soul to a dragon to gain the power to heal him?
Lost meets Pern IMMEDIATELY got my attention. I know I'm dealing with intrigue and dragons--excellent. The question here isn't as compelling to me (because I know the answer will be YES!) so maybe coming up with another way to share that the stakes are high and Lia must act courageously to save him.
YASpFic When her ship crashes, Lia races to get the survivors to the colony. An alien killer stalks & won't stop 'till they're dead.
Whoa! This definitely grabs my attention because I'm love seeing that Lia is a powerful character. I'm wondering if there's a way to combine the two concepts because here I'm not seeing dragons or romance.
You definitely have me intrigued and wanting to know more.
These are both immediately intriguing to me. I like the details of the second. (Great name, too!) The only thing I'd tweak is changing it from stating that she wants to meet her granddaughter to making it clear that her treatment of the gf is now preventing her from meeting her.
Late to the party, but thrilled for the opportunity work on Twitter pitches. Best of luck to everyone pitching tomorrow!
1 - Nate's friends think he's using drugs. He can't tell them he is the drug—and his expiration date is rapidly approaching. NA SF #PITMAD
2 - Bioengineered fugitive Nate’s blood is addictive. The only person who can keep him alive is an addict—and his ex-boyfriend. NA SF #PITMAD
3 - Nate’s crush thinks he’s on drugs. The truth is worse: he’s a bioengineered fugitive with a bounty on his head—and he’s dying. NA SF #PITMAD
Hello Kip, and thanks so much! (you have a new follower on Twitter, btw ;) I can see where the confusion is coming from as I flail about to fit the three main threads of a mostly character-driven story (trap some unlikely people together to see what they do) into 140 characters. The war criminal (21yo German officer) is actually the MC, though his 16yo private swaps in as a POV character every other chapter or so--mainly as his foil. Its not meant to be a YA novel, but I wonder if the word "teen" is misleading?
The girl was going to be the main character, way back in the dark ages of early drafts. I suspect that she holds greater importance in my mind than actually on the page :) So yes, I'd better not pitch anything that makes her sound like the MC.
Would you really be up for Beta read? Even just the first chapter would be terrific. I can DM you or something to figure out the particulars...
Thanks again!!
I think you've finessed this to a great point. I like how much we can infer about Lilja from the short pitch. I REALLY love seeing women in science-based roles in YA.
Oh, everyone is So good. I'm excited about tomorrow! Thanks for reading :)
EroticHistRom These lords and ladies who risk it all for passionate love during Englands most elegant era. Five full novels #PitMad
After being sent away for scandal, Jacqueline returns smarter, changed by Napoleons war to play revenge on the duke who ruined her #PitMad
Wanting to know her past has Lord Beverly drawn to the beautiful French widow. This time will he run from the truth... and love? #pitmad
A seductress and a duke. A widow and a disgraced war hero. In the bed or on the field, games of love and war both have casualties. #pitmad
Thank you so much for doing this!
Quick opinion/question. Nora is dead, which is a significant part of the story, but she isn't a ghost or anything. It is similar in tone to The Lovely Bones...would you add another description to it?
When Nora dies, she longs to still be a wife & mom. But breaking heaven's rules could ruin their lives and her future forever. #pitmad WF
Wow! This sounds so interesting—your second pitch totally makes me want to read it. What a cool idea. <3
Here are my (more helpful) thoughts on your pitches:
Nate's friends think he's using drugs. He can't tell them he is the drug—and his expiration date is rapidly approaching. NA SF #PITMAD
So looking at this pitch alone, it's a little confusing. I'm not sure if he's getting like...high off himself (if that makes sense) or if he's making other people high or how it works. I get the expiration date idea (I'm assuming he's going to die) but I don't really understand what happens in the book. The three questions you really want to answer in every pitch, that to me are missing here, are:
1) What is your MC's goal? (What does he/she want?)
2) What is stopping him/her from achieving that goal?
3) What will happen if he/she fails to achieve that goal?
If you answer those three questions, you clarify the stakes and the goal of your protagonist, which is pretty important.
Bioengineered fugitive Nate’s blood is addictive. The only person who can keep him alive is an addict—and his ex-boyfriend. NA SF #PITMAD
See, this is much more clear to me because you tell us Nate is bioengineered and it's his blood that's the drug. I really like the element of having to go back to his ex, who is an addict (instant conflict). The only thing that's unclear is why he's dying...but I still think this pitch works, because it made me want to read it immediately. :)
Nate’s crush thinks he’s on drugs. The truth is worse: he’s a bioengineered fugitive with a bounty on his head—and he’s dying. NA SF #PITMAD
So without keeping the other pitches in mind, the connection from the first sentence and the second sentence is pretty shaky, and I find myself asking why his crush thinks he's on drugs and what that has to do with the bounty on his head. That being said, I love the second sentence because it really sets the stakes up.
Overall nice job! I think if you make some tweaks and maybe draft up a pitch that's more clear on what Nate wants to accomplish, you'll be set. :)
Hi Joy! I'm excited about tomorrow, too! The days have been going excruciatingly slow this week. :)
Here are my thoughts on your pitches. Hope it helps!
EroticHistRom These lords and ladies who risk it all for passionate love during Englands most elegant era. Five full novels #PitMad
So...there are a few things I'm noticing here. First, everything is super generic. We don't know who your protagonist is or any other specifics about your book. Second, you mention five novels. When querying or pitching, you definitely want to stick with just one at a time. I'm guessing this is a series, and if that's the case then in a query you can mention that the first book is a stand-alone (because it has to be able to stand alone) with series potential, but as far as Twitter pitches go, we don't need to know anything about series potential. I'd recommend scrapping this one.
After being sent away for scandal, Jacqueline returns smarter, changed by Napoleons war to play revenge on the duke who ruined her #PitMad
First thing's first: you'll have to tweak this a little (and the others) because you need to fit your genre and category in there. Every #pitmad, I see publishing professionals reminding writers to include it, so I'd definitely take the time to make sure you can fit it in.
As for this pitch, this is definitely better than the first one. I'm getting a sense for the story, I'm just wondering if maybe you can fit stakes in there (that is, what Jacqueline has to lose if she fails to get her revenge, or even if she succeeds, for that matter). Otherwise, I think this is a pretty solid start. :)
Wanting to know her past has Lord Beverly drawn to the beautiful French widow. This time will he run from the truth... and love? #pitmad
This pitch confuses me a little. Is Lord Beverly the protagonist, or is "she"? If it's her, then we need to see her name in the pitch, not Lord Beverly, and I'd like to see more of a focus on her. Also, I'd like to see more stakes. I've said this a couple times when critiquing, but I'm going to say it again here:
The three questions you really want to answer in every pitch are:
1) What is your MC's goal? (What does he/she want?)
2) What is stopping him/her from achieving that goal?
3) What will happen if he/she fails to achieve that goal?
If you answer those three questions, you clarify the stakes and the goal of your protagonist, which is pretty important.
A seductress and a duke. A widow and a disgraced war hero. In the bed or on the field, games of love and war both have casualties. #pitmad
So similarly to the first pitch, this one is too vague for me to really understand specifics about your book. Rather than giving us vague generalizations or images, I always recommend going with specifics that show us how your book is different. Details are your friend. :)
Hope this helps! I wish you all the best tomorrow!
Hmm. I suppose I'm a teensie bit confused about the ghost/not ghost thing. If she's dead but she's not a ghost...what is she? Right now, reading your pitch, I'm thinking ghost or spirit of some kind. So...not sure if you consider that a good or bad thing, since you said she's not a ghost.
As for your pitch itself, I'm left wondering what rules she's breaking and HOW it could ruin the lives of her family members (I'm assuming that's who you're referring to with "their"?). If you can give us specifics, definitely do so. Otherwise, I think it's a good start. :)
Good luck!
Thanks I like that word I'll use it!
Thanks for the suggestions! :) I'm glad you like the changes!
Great post Ava! Thanks for doing this. Here are my pitches :) They're all pretty similar...
Pitch: As
Kate’s cystic fibrosis gets worse, she seeks isolation. Instead she finds something
to live for…but it might be too late. YA-C #PitMad
Pitch 2: As
Kate’s cystic fibrosis gets worse, Kyler’s melodic voice gives her hope. But
she might not have enough time to really live.YA-C #PitMad
Pitch 3: As
Kate’s cystic fibrosis worsens, she puts up emotional walls. When Kyler
crumbles them, she hopes there’s time to really live.YA-C #PitMad
Thanks!
Whoa! My sentences went all crazy. Oh well. Hopefully you can follow them :)
I agree with Ava. #2 is definitely the one to make me want to keep reading. For me, it's the first line. The second line is a little confusing...but mostly because I don't understand it and would want to know what it really means. Which could be good for getting someone to want to read your query and sample pages, right? I think Ava has given some awesome suggestions. Good luck!
Ooh, your pitches have come a long way! I love these recent ones. I'm a sucker for fantasy. I do agree with Ava that you should avoid the word "prophesy" as it's general and overused. I really like this first pitch in the last batch! It makes me want them to be together too and also makes me want to know what this God's business is keeping them apart, even enough to murder someone. Well done! Good luck :)
I like these newest versions. #1 gives your character depth and has the stakes. #2 has great voice...but the end is confusing. I think it's the wording. I do like this one though so hopefully you can clarify that ending. #3 is good, I just don't feel the same impact as the others. Maybe it's just my taste :) Good luck!
Hi Michelle! No worries about the formatting—it happened to a couple people, I suspect when copy and pasting into the comment box. At any rate, it's totally fine. :)
Here are my thoughts on your pitches. Hope it helps!
As Kate’s cystic fibrosis gets worse, she seeks isolation. Instead she finds something to live for…but it might be too late. YA-C #PitM
First and foremost, I love that you're writing about young adults with chronic conditions. It's an underrepresented segment of society and one I'm very happy to see is slowly getting more attention. :)
Now for the pitch itself: what I'm wondering is why it might be too late. Is her illness reaching a terminal point? Is she losing faith in herself and contemplating suicide? Something else? Judging by your other pitches, I'm guessing it has to do with her illness getting worse and shortening her life span. This pitch doesn't work quite as well for me as the others because it's a little more vague and generic and what tends to really draw me into pitches are specific details.
As Kate’s cystic fibrosis gets worse, Kyler’s melodic voice gives her hope. But she might not have enough time to really live.YA-C #PitMad
So this is better because I'm understanding what exactly is bringing Kate hope. I suppose what I want to know is what Kate is doing about it. What is her goal? Yes, she is battling a disease, but that's something that's mostly out of her control, so I want to know what her goal for herself is and what she's trying to do to reach it.
As Kate’s cystic fibrosis worsens, she puts up emotional walls. When Kyler crumbles them, she hopes there’s time to really live.YA-C #PitMad
I like the crumbling walls idea, although I will say I've seen it before, so take that however you will. I think overall, your pitches are good, but if you could give us a better sense of Kate's goal in all this is and what actions she's taking to try to reach that goal, I think it'll be even stronger.
Again, your pitches aren't bad by any means, and I think they'll work tomorrow. But just a suggestion. :)
Good luck!
Thank you so much for the feedback. I'm excited to try these in pitmad tomorrow.
I also appreciate the beta reader offer. I currently have 3 beta readers and would love to have a 4th, but fear I wouldn't have enough time to give your writing the attention it deserves. But thank you so much for the offer. I'll definitely let you know if anything changes with my beta reader situation.
Kindly,
Keely
Thank you! And best of luck to you, as well.
I'm terribly intimidated by all of the great tweets I've read so far. I've been waffling on whether to participate but I think it's time to put on my brave face and go for it. These are my three favorite tweets that I've come up with so far, all sort of iterating on a theme:
1. SciFi Adult: When a doomed expedition to an impenetrable island is destroyed, Colin finds himself linked to the fate of the crew #pitmad
2. SciFi Adult: When Colin's research lab sends a doomed expedition to a distant island he becomes linked to the crew's terrifying fate #pitmad
3. SciFi Adult: When Colin's research lab investigates a doomed sea expedition he finds himself linked to the crew's terrifying fate #pitmad
Offering my two cents: when you say "their lives" I assume you mean her family because you say wife and mom, but it feels a little disjointed.
When Nora dies, she longs to still be a wife & mom. But breaking heaven's rules could ruin her family’s future forever. #pitmad #WF
#1 and #2 are strong, but #2 is the stronger of the two. #3 needs some work to connect the part about being on drugs with having a bounty on his head. I read it and ask myself why would the fact that he's a bioengineered fugitive with a bounty on his head make someone think he's on drugs? There's a disconnect between the first and second half that doesn't exist in your first two tweets. What if you lead with the fact that he's dying and make the "worse" bit the fact that he's a bioengineered futitive and his he can't tell his friends the truth?
I'm really intrigued by the concept and would love to read more. Great work! :)
Thanks so much, Michelle! I'm a twitter nut and I was still shocked at how hard it is to try to craft a super short pitch. :)
Thanks so much! I really like your suggestion and I'll definitely revise the third with that in mind. You actually nailed the conflict on the head by restructuring it that way.
Thanks so much, Ava! Oh man...these 140 characters are keeeeeeeeeling me! I'll see what I can do to add more of her actions :)
Interesting premise! Great revision. If you need an alternate version, what about:
Lilja must sacrifice more than her dream when she discovers the Icelandic Power Corps space station is causing earthquakes
Just a thought. Best of luck with your pitch!
Hey Ava,
I came up with a few alternates. Do any of these work better? Sorry...there are 4! But they are really similar. Thanks again :)
As Kate’s cystic fibrosis worsens, Kyler’s melodic voice gives her hope. She fights to
stay alive, but it might not be enough. YA-C #PitMad
Kate’s cystic fibrosis might kill her, but when she hears Kyler’s melodic voice, she hopes
she’ll have time to live first. YA-C #PitMad
Kate’s cystic fibrosis might kill her, but when she hears Kyler’s melodic voice, she’ll
fight the constant battle to stay alive.YA-C #PitMad
As Kate’scystic fibrosis worsens, she seeks isolation. Instead she meets Kyler, whose
melodic voice gives her a reason to live.YA-C #PitMad
I hope I'm not too late. Thank you so much for doing this!
Pitch 1: YA Abandoned island amusement park + underground club + a massacre + a drug-addicted superhero = a night Abbey may not survive. #pitmad
Pitch 2: YA After a night at an underground club goes bad, Abbey must find a way to escape the decaying island amusement park or die. #pitmad
Pitch 3: YA After meeting a tired, drug-addicted superhero - Abbey’s life is about to change, for better or worse. #pitmad
Hello SA Butler,
I like the second and third pitches better than the first. I read the first one several times and it read (to me) as though Colin was on the doomed expedition.
The second pitch is good, but I think you can take out the word "doomed," unless they knew it was doomed before it set off. By using "terrifying fate," the reader gets the idea that it's doomed. Wow. I hope that makes sense.
There's only one word changed in your second and third pitch, so the above mess about doomed would work there as well. I hope this helps some as I've never critiqued a tweet before :)
Hi Michelle,
I read your original post and Ava's comments. The four posted above all sound very similar, as you stated. Is there any other subplot you could bring in to vary it a little?
I'm intrigued by the concept of the expedition but the "link to the crew" is vague for me. What else could you say to express this?
First off, awsome concept! Number 1 is my favorite! 2 isn't as strong without the mention of the super hero. Good luck! I love it. Not much to offer in the way of improvement.
Thank you, Marjorie! I'm going to play around with number 2 and see if I can work the superhero bit in.
3 Is my favorite because it gives me the most insight to your plot. It also reads the smothest. Maybe consider a semicolon in the first sentence rather than a comma since they are two seperate thoughts.
Hello Tasha,
I'm a bit confused as well. Could you possibly use this a start to several other pitches? For example, one pitch where that addresses her wanting to be a wife and mom and then another about breaking heaven's rules? It might give you a little more space to delve into the plot more. Just a thought. Good luck!
Love this concept! Gives me goose bumps. Maybe try: Even after Nora dies she longs to be a wife and mom... Or: Even in death there are rules. If Nora tries to be the mom & wife she longs to, it could destroy her families future...Also whose lives are ruined? I assumed family.
I'm playing around with it more and I think it's getting to a better place :) Thanks for your encouragement and suggestions!
Wonderful! I think you've got an interesting concept and wish you the best of luck!
3 is my favorite. It gives me the most information and is the least cliche ridden. The concept of prophecy, murder and love are all evident in #3.
Here we go!
Kress has been told no one will accept how she looks & people will fear her. For one person, this is untrue. She must find him-YA #PitMad
Kress is the last human with the mutation. Her body suffers yet her mind is whole, except for the memory of loving her hunter. YA #PitMad
At 17, Kress must grow up-learn everything-all over. Recovering from mutation will seem easy compared to escaping her tamers-YA #PitMad
Thiesan loved Kress: OCD, odd habits & all. She wonders if he’ll feel the same after a mutation makes her unrecognizable. YA/SPEC #PitMad
The expedition returns with a sole survivor who infects Colin with a bizarre disease, who in turn spreads the infection to, well, pretty much everyone else. Colin has to figure out what the infection in and how to stop it from becoming pandemic. I'm trying to explain it without blowing the whole plot, so I apologize if that still sounds vague.
I like the first one because it gives me elements, but the + structure feels abbreviated, even for a tweet. I like the flow of the second one, but you're missing the superhero bit. I fiddled around and came up with this in 137 characters:
YA After a night at an underground club goes bad, Abbey & a drug-addicted superhero must escape a decaying amusement
park or die. #pitmad
Thank you, SAButler! I appreciate that you took the time to fiddle with it. I like the direction yours took. I also have to add in that this is YA horror, so I'm going to keep messing with it. Ergh.
The fourth is my favorite. It's intriguing and it gives specifics. In my opinion that's your strongest tweet.
#1 and #2 are a bit confusing to me because I don't have enough detail to really understand "her hunter" or "her tamers." That said, I really like the start of #2, "Kress is the last human with the mutation." That tells me so much right away. If there's a way to stitch that together with her pursuit of the one person who does not fear her looks, that would make an intriguing tweet. Good luck!
I wouldn't worry too much about blowing the plot. More is better. The bizaare diseases sounds SO interesting. I would include that in the pitch!
of your three I like the last best. I don't like the first one mostly because it's too wordy in describing Eros. Let me ask, is the choice to help or not help the alien queen the BIG IT in the novel? I think we're missing something.
Revision:
SciFi Adult: When Colin's lab sends an expedition to a distant island he becomes linked to the missing crew's terrifying fate #pitmad
Thank you Lori!
I agree with SAButler, 4th is your best. The others feel like idk, something important is missing. I'll ask what I asked Ava, is her mutation and finding her love the big IT in this story? Is the story a love story?
Thank You!
I see what you mean. Ugh.. I'm going to be up late tonight! Yes the love ants the mutation are the high points.
Definitely like the fourth one the best. This may be a sucky suggestion, but what if, in the second one, you worded it something like this: Kress is the last human with the mutation. Her body suffers, but her mind is whole and it won't let her forget a love lost.
I don't know, something to tie it in without going into detail about him being a hunter, which is something that needs a little more explanation than a tweet can support. Great concept and best of luck!
Great suggestion!
Ava, I was drawn to your third pitch the most. It's intriguing with the alien angle & shows the potential conflict Eros faces.
From the second pitch it sounds as though Eros and the queen are forced into an alliance to prove their innocence, which is also a great source for external and internal conflict for the MC. Highlighting those conflicts in a pitch would also be strong.
Best of luck tomorrow, and thank you so much for your help with my pitches!
Hello Kip! I was scrolling through your pitches and the comments, hoping to contribute something...but I think this one gets my thumbs up because it shows Lilja in action.
I was going to suggest moving up in the story: When Lilja discovers her work on XYZ space station is causing earthquakes at home, she.... but that's totally what the above pitch is. Winner!
Great idea Ava. Thanks for the forum to do this.
NA-A socially stunted piano major falls for the star quarterback. They were best friends as kids, but it doesn't make it easier. #PitMad
NA-How is Miranda supposed to forget her past when it shows up and sits next to her on the first day of class? #PitMad
NA Romance-Miranda's 1st new life wasn't her choice, but if she screws up her 2nd new life, it's all on her. #PitMad
As a pitch, #1 draws me in. Makes me want more. I like pitches that are more like tag lines and not trying to fit the whole story in.
Thank you!!
Hi there! So glad you chose to participate! :)
So I've read some of the comments below, and I have to say I'd love to see more about the disease/almost pandemic in one of your pitches. I think that's a really interesting aspect of your story that could get a lot of attention. I agree with Marjorie that right now, Colin being linked to the crew's fate is really vague, but if you told us about the disease, I think it'd clarify Colin's connection in a really interesting way.
Hope this helps! If you post a second revision, I'd be happy to take a more detailed look at it. Either way, good luck!
Totally not too late! I'm still taking pitches for three and a half more hours.
At any rate, here are my thoughts on your pitches:
Pitch 1: YA Abandoned island amusement park + underground club + a massacre + a drug-addicted superhero = a night Abbey may not survive. #pitmad
Ok, so first let me say that I love all of these elements (particularly the drug-addicted superhero. What a cool idea!). Now, personally, I tend not to like the use of symbols in pitches like + - and =. That's totally subjective though, and I know some people don't mind it. I really like SAButler's suggestion, because it takes all of those elements and restructures it into a sentence. Not to say this format doesn't work...but you get the idea. :)
Pitch 2: YA After a night at an underground club goes bad, Abbey must find a way to escape the decaying island amusement park or die. #pitmad
This works. But I think what really grabs me about your pitch is that superhero thing, probably because I've never heard that before. So this works because we still get a sense of the stakes and the story, but it doesn't grab me as well as the version of Pitch One that SAButler suggestion.
Pitch 3: YA After meeting a tired, drug-addicted superhero - Abbey’s life is about to change, for better or worse. #pitmad
So this one has the superhero bit that I like, but the stakes aren't clear and we don't really get as good of an understanding of your story as the others. I think if you combine the death element (because that really makes the stakes very clear) with the superhero element, you'll have a really interesting and solid pitch.
Hope this helps! And good luck! :)
Ooo, good question. I'll have to think about that. Thanks, Lori! :)
Hmmmmmm. Ok, so what I think is missing from the first two is the stakes. She's looking for love, yes, but what will happen if she doesn't find it? I'm also wondering if it would be feasible for you to give us more about this mutation in a version of your pitch? What does it do? Why are people scared of her? I think it's a really interesting element in your story and if you were more specific about it, I suspect it might work as a great hook.
Your third one is interesting. I'm starting to get a sense of the stakes (she wants to escape her tamers) but it's still not totally clear. Why is it so important that she escapes? We don't know, so it doesn't carry quite as much punch as it could. That being said, I like the idea of having to re-learn everything, but as I mentioned above, not knowing what the mutation is makes it a little difficult to fully picture why.
Finally, I see why people like your fourth one, but I still feel as though I'm missing the stakes. I suppose you're hinting that she may lose the boy, which works, but your previous pitches seem to hint that there might be something more (escaping tamers?) so I'm wondering if that's the biggest thing she has at stake.
All that said, your premise sounds really interesting. :) Good luck!
P.S.: Definitely make sure you include your genre in all of your pitches! It's important.
Thank you for the feedback, Keely! And you're so very welcome! :) Good luck!
Hi Sydney! Welcome to the crit session! :) Here are my thoughts on your pitches:
NA-A socially stunted piano major falls for the star quarterback. They were best friends as kids, but it doesn't make it easier. #PitMad
Hmm, so I think what you're missing here is the stakes. I see what your MC wants (the quarterback), but what will happen if she fails to win his love? If you make that clear, it'll give it the extra punch it needs. :)
NA-How is Miranda supposed to forget her past when it shows up and sits next to her on the first day of class? #PitMad
So this pitch is really vague and doesn't really tell me much about your book. I understand what you mean because of the other pitches, but you have to remember that out of context of the other pitches, people aren't really going to know what this means.
NA Romance-Miranda's 1st new life wasn't her choice, but if she screws up her 2nd new life, it's all on her. #PitMad
Again, the problem I'm running into is that it's too vague. We don't really know what you mean by her first new life or her second new life or how she could possibly screw it up. I think if you refocus and work out what exactly is at stake, you'll have a much clearer pitch.
To help you out, here are three questions that are important to answer in every pitch:
1) What is your MC's goal? (What does he/she want?)
2) What is stopping him/her from achieving that goal?
3) What will happen if he/she fails to achieve that goal?
If you answer those three questions, you clarify the stakes and the goal of your protagonist, which is pretty important.
Hope this helps! Also, I'm relatively sure you can abbreviate "NA Romance" to "NA Rom" or maybe even "NA R"? Either way you can cut it down, and make sure you include it in every pitch!
Good luck! :)
Ok, I'll give it a whirl. I'd love some feedback on these pitches.
Write novel, Check. Fall in love, Check. Escape cursed characters hell-bent on killing you, Emma's still working on that. NA PNR #PitMad
A curse, an online-romance & book characters hell-bent on murdering their author lead to love, lies and a little Gypsy magic. NA PNR #PitMad
Emma’s secret haunts her: book characters come alive w/ murderous ambitions. Her online flame, w/ his own secret, just wants a date. #PitMad
A Gypsy curse brings Emma's novel characters to life. Her antagonist is out for blood & her online-flame just wants a date. NA PNR #PitMad
Thanks for the feedback. That character reduction is a lifesaver! I wrote three more with more plot specifics.
1. AdSF: An otherworldly creature rises from the sea. Colin must stop it and a bizarre infection that brings dreams to life. #pitmad
2. AdSF: The destroyer of worlds is coming for Colin, who becomes patient zero of a bizarre infection that brings dreams to life #pitmad
3. AdSF: An impenetrable island rises in the Pacific, an ancient demon is coming, & Colin must destroy it before it destroys him #pitmad
Hello! I know it's getting a little late, but I wanted to send my pitch. They vary a little, but I'm struggling a bit with the content, more so with the second one. So here we go:
#PitMad YAC:Mercy's fight w QueenB ruins her rep; she flees to all-boy HS as Miles. Her roomie Jeno hates Miles but may be Mercy's best ally.
Mercy flees to all-boys school after QueenB ruins her rep. Will she lose herself as Miles, or will the populars find her first? #PitMad YAC
So I hope they aren't too shabby. Be brutal, I'll try my best to take it. *Has a tub of ice cream ready*
For me I like the first and third ones. They have just enough personality while still giving me a taste of the MS. The third one is also really funny. I don't think you need the gypsy curse element in the pitch (actually, curses tend to turn me off personally unless there is another, cooler element which you have shown). Well done. :)
Wow, thanks so much. I appreciate the feedback!!
I sort of agree with Ava here. The pitches are just a little bit too vague. I know you have something special in your story, so show it! I sort of like what you do with the second pitch, but again it's vague and it's space you could be telling me what the main trial is. So Miranda is not social and falls for quarterback. Sounds like a sweet romantic story, but what REALLY stands in her way? How can you bring this across while still captivating us? I like your voice overall. :)
I have to say I like the first one the best. You give me the most information and it's REALLY interesting. I actually want to read it. :) But you need to pump up the stakes. Death or survival isn't really a stake. Why is she going to die? What are her other options? I enjoy your voice and the story seems really interesting, but I'm afraid that if you present your MC's biggest obstacle as death (and I'm sure it's not, it just seems like the most extreme), you're going to lose some people. But I would read it. You have me hooked, so you're in the right direction. :)
Ava if you get a chance please take a look at the pitches for me. Thank you so much. Pete
MG MIDDLE SCHOOL MAFIA In
Wit Protect, D has new name, school, + set of problems. In Mid Sch word
"family" has a whole new meaning.#pitmad
MG When bad guys find D's
family in Wit Protection, his middle school pals handle them in da “family”
way. Sopranos meet Home Alone #pitmad
MG NOW YOU KINDA SEE ME 12
yo magician finds magic book torn in 1/2. Illusions work 1/2 way. (1/2
invisible) Story of old rivals. #pitmad
MG GRIMM & CO
Recession hits fairytale land, RR Hood's Protect Agency offers pay 4 skills in
a dangerous world. New bodies = New biz #pitmad
good luck, I hate writing these.
Personally I like the Even in death there are rules. Gets right to the point. the other seems like we're coming in the back door. I also like that Marjorie got rid of the word Still, it's not needed. Good luck
Since you were kind enough to do mine, I'll throw you some feedback as well.
Sounds like an intriguing story. The first one, not sure about the roomie hating her but being her best ally. Doesn't give me much in the way of stakes. Where as your second one actually shows me what is at stake. Good luck to you!
For what it's worth, near midnight as it is. My pitches. (I hate them all)
Jon hasn't seen her in 9yrs11mths. 1st instinct strangle
her/2nd defend/when his heart opens/risk life/limb/VP nomination 2hold her 4ever.
If Jon’s to win a vice-presidential spot, he can have
nothing 2do w/the love of his life. But 9yrs11mths hasn’t lessened his desires
VP-hopeful Jon’s estranged wife & govt assassin framed
for murder of his running mate’s brother. Is she guilty…and why? A/Thrl #pitmad
The problem I see with these pitches (particularly the first two) is that they are very vague. I don't know why it has to be 9yrs and 11months. I figure its important otherwise you'd just say ten years, but look at the pitch. Does anything really stand out to you? I like the third one--it gives me a sense of what the story is about. It's a little clunky, so I would work on the flow of that. Establishing the stakes are hard (I don't think I myself did a very good job of it in my pitch...) but it's what sets your story apart. Good luck :)
I'm guessing the 9yrs11mths has something vital to do with the plot. If it doesn't, why be so specific, it's bogging down the pitch. The last one doesn't give us any stakes for Jon. It's more about his estranged wife. What's in it for him if he's estranged? I like the first one, but that's a ton of info and it's hard to read. Maybe something like: Jon's estranged wife drops back into his life. His sanity rattled, he wants to strangle, defend, risk life & VP nom for her heart. #PitMad
#pitmad #historical When her kingdom is overtaken, Princess Mari is forced to choose between exile or marrying the son of the Dictator
Thanks, I'll work on it. I could easily say 10 years. I hate these.
right, 10 years, doesn't really matter except to show, maybe, the feeling of the books. IDK.
I know I wrote better ones before but can't find them. thanks, I'll work on it.
I love #1, but have heard from many that books about writers are a no. Not that it hasn't been done. I like the voice you have going with #1. not sure though that we get that the characters are part of a book she's writing.
Hi Ava #PitMad A-SF after inciting a war, a self-centered playboy must unite humanity and a secret society, or lose his new found love and his life
2nd version: #pitmad #historical Having married the son of the Dictator who overthrew her father Mari must answer to King Raus who's returned for revenge
YA #Pitmad Kress-sole survivor of the disease that deforms. Thiesan-only
soul who won’t destroy her. Problem-he doesn’t recognize her.
Any better as far as stakes go?
Ha! What a fun idea. Reminds me of Stranger than Fiction but...with evil characters. Or like Inkspell? Anyway.
So I agree that my favorite is the first one and I'm not sure you really need the Gypsy magic bit. What's really missing for me in these pitches, however, is what Emma wants. I get that her characters have come alive and are trying to kill her (which is a really funny twist, btw), but what is Emma's goal? Is it just survival? Getting with that online flame? What does she want and what is getting in her way? I think if you clarify that, you'll be well on your way. :)
Good luck!
Hi U.C.! No worries about the lateness. Cutoff isn't until midnight. :)
What a fun idea! Reminds me of that soccer movie...er...I forget the title right now so that was a useless comparison. Anyway.
So I like the elements you've got here, but with both pitches I'm left wondering what exactly Mercy wants. She leaves the school and pretends to be a boy to get away from Queen B, but...then what? What's her goal? And what's getting in her way now? She's away from Queen B, so what's the problem? If you clarify what she wants to accomplish, what's getting in her way and what will happen if she fails to accomplish her goal, I think this will be even stronger.
(So basically, I second what Janet said: show me the stakes!)
Good luck!
Hi Lori! So the element that really grabbed me was in your last one: his ex is an assassin? That's awesome! That's really the element I think you should point out, because that's a major grabber and hints at how this fits as an Adult Thriller.
Like Janet said, if you can just say 10 years, definitely say that. 9 years and 11 months is so specific that I would think it's essential it's that exact amount, and it takes up a lot of characters in your pitch.
Your first one I found pretty hard to read (you've got way too many slashes). Looking at your pitches, I'm thinking you'll probably want to focus on the elements you introduced in that last pitch: an assassin and a murder messing up his VP hopes.
I think if you refocus your pitches to make Jon's goal, his obstacle and the stakes clearer, you'll have an even stronger pitch. It doesn't look to me as if the romance is the big picture issue—it looks like it's this murder/assassin deal. I'd recommend focusing on that.
And don't forget to include the hashtag, genre and category in every pitch!
Hope this helps. Good luck! :)
You're absolutely lovely to help crit these. <3 Here goes:
#PitMad When ghosts don't cross over,the only thing preventing damage to the natural order is a bitter medium & team of bickering idiots. NA
Option 1: YA Goldilocks fights to slay the three bears
that killed her parents and continually attack her village. #PitMad #DarkFairyTale
Option 2:YA After Goldilocks' parents are killed by the 3
bears, she seeks revenge but discovers a dark curse that turns a friend into a bear #PitMad
Option 3:YA After the three bears kill her parents,
Goldilocks goes on the hunt to protect her village and get revenge. #PitMad #DarkFairyTale
Any comments welcome. Thanks so much!
Interesting! So a few things:
1) You can save yourself some characters by abbreviating your genre to "Hist" and removing the hashtag (you don't need it for the genre). You'll also need to include your category (Adult = Ad., New Adult = NA, Young Adult = YA, Middle Grade = MG, Picture Book = PB). It's important to have both, because publishing professionals will be looking for them.
2) Right now it we have a great sense of the tough choice your MC has, but I'd like to see more details. An overtaken kingdom and unwanted marriage are pretty common in Fantasy/Medieval historical-type books. What details are unique to your book? If you can bring that in somehow, I think it'd really make this stand out.
3) I'd also like to see a better sense of the stakes. I get that she'll be exiled, but what will happen if she marries the son of the dictator? Why is it so important to her that she's not exiled (would that equate to death? Or does she just not want to lose the luxury of royalty?)
Hope this helps! Overall I think your pitch works, but if you tweak it, you could make it even stronger.
Good luck!
I also really like the first one! Although, if you like more than one, I've read on Twitter than sometimes people post two off and on throughout the day in case an agent doesn't connect with the wording of one pitch. Good luck!
Hello Nik!
Hmm. So this is ridiculously minor and barely worth mentioning, but capitalize "after." :)
Ok. Um. I like this, and you're actually making me think on how to improve this. The only thing I can think of is I'm wondering what the bigger picture is as far as stakes go. You say he's risking his life and his love (which, I have to say, losing his love doesn't seem like a big deal when you put it next to losing his life), but you also say he started a war and has to unite humanity, so aren't there bigger stakes at play? Just a thought, because next to inciting a war and uniting humanity, losing his love doesn't seem so big in comparison.
Hope this helps! Good luck!
I like the straightforwardness of the 2nd one, but I like the intrigue of the 3rd. Maybe you could combine them somehow. Good luck!
Hi Katie! I like critiquing, so it's a win for everyone (I hope). :)
So this sounds like fun! Here are two things I noted:
1) What will happen if the natural order isn't restored? This isn't clear, so your stakes aren't as clear as they could be.
2) Who is your protagonist? I like the bitter medium and bickering idiots thing, but I think you'd be better off saving the characters and introducing your protagonist, instead.
Hope this helps! And don't forget your genre!
Hmmm. So I'm a little confused. Is King Raus her father? If so, why does she have to answer him? If King Raus ISN'T her father, what does he want revenge for? And how does this affect Mari?
Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!!! You're awesome!!!
Aw, you're so welcome! ^___^ Good luck tomorrow!
Is King Raus her father? I was a little unclear on that in the pitch.
Thanks... Working on it!
Yes he's her father
Cool. I think I'm with Ava Jae on this one. Not sure why her father would be after her. I like your first option better. Good luck!
Ok, so this sounds awesomely fun. I love dark twists on tried and true fairy tales.
Here are my specific thoughts on your pitches:
YA Goldilocks fights to slay the three bears that killed her parents and continually attack her village. #PitMad #DarkFairyTale
Random nitpick: is it continually or continuously? My brain is tired and picks up on weird details now, so if both work, ignore me.
Otherwise...honestly, this sounds great. The dark twist is clear (and fantastic), we get the stakes (the bears are attacking her village, so her life and the lives of the other villagers are on the line) and I understand her goal (to kill the bears). Overall, very nice job!
YA After Goldilocks' parents are killed by the 3bears, she seeks revenge but discovers a dark curse that turns a friend into a bear #PitMad
Aha! Now this is reminding me a little of Brave (totally not a bad thing, by the way). The stakes aren't quite as clear here. Her friend turns into a bear...so I suppose the problem is she wants to kill the three bears but now her friend is a bear? But is her friend a wild bear? Can her friend help her defeat the bears? Will her friend be stuck as a bear if she doesn't kill them or if she does kill them or...something else? I'm a little less clear on what exactly happens in the story with this pitch. But I like the twist with the friend, so maybe try to clarify?
YA After the three bears kill her parents,Goldilocks goes on the hunt to protect her village and get revenge. #PitMad #DarkFairyTale
Ok, so this is like the first one, but I like the first one better. This one has slightly more generic language (goes on the hunt, get revenge, etc.) so it doesn't grab me quite as well as the first one.
Hope this helps! I think your story sounds great. Good luck!
THANK YOU!!! Your comments are so helpful. I'll go with the first one!
You're so welcome! If you can, I'd say definitely tweak that second one and use both. It helps to have a couple to rotate throughout the day. :)
Good luck tomorrow!
Thanks so much! I've made the changes and would post again but time is ticking!! thx for the help!
You can post again if you'd like. I'm here for another eighteen minutes, as promised. :)
#pitmad AdHist Princess Mari has to choose btween love of husband or love of country when her father King Raus returns to take back the throne
I truly hope this isn't worse!
So the bit with her father is more clear, but I'm still not sure what the stakes are. Why is it so bad that her father wants the throne back? What does this mean to Mari—to her people?
Definitely not worse. But I'm still unclear as far as stakes go.
Thank you so much!!! <3
#pitmad RS In NYC Johanna's 1st love isn't only back in her life as her boyfriend, he's an accomplice in the scheme that brought her there
grrr. I will try to work on it w/how much twitter allows me to say. Thanks again! Very helpful.
RS? Is that supposed to be...Romantic Suspense? If so, I just totally guessed so you'll want to actually make that one a bit longer (Rom Sus? Er...I'm not sure, really...but RS isn't a generic genre term, so...)
Otherwise, the second half of this pitch is a little vague. What kind of scheme brought her there? Are we talking criminal action? I want to know more details about the plot.
I'm also unclear as to what Johanna's goal is. What does she want? What is standing in her way from getting what she wants? What will happen if she fails? If you answer those questions, I think you'll have a much stronger pitch.
Good luck!
Sure thing! I wish you all the best. :)
Wow! Just found this great opportunity. Thank you!
Jimmy hates eating vegetables. His mysterious new pet loves them. Problem solved. Except that's not all it wants... #PitMad #LowerMG
Hi Peggy! This is adorable, but it's a little vague. What else does his pet want? Does it eat people? Souls? Happiness? (Wow, I'm really morbid. It's probably something not nearly as nefarious as my current brain).
Anyway, we need to know more about what Jimmy wants (what's his goal?), what the problem is that he's facing (or what his obstacle is), and what will happen if he fails to meet his goal. If you make that more clear, you'll have solidified the stakes, which is what isn't totally clear here.
Hope this helps! And good luck!
I agree with others - since it's a thriller, the elements in the 3rd pitch are most important, But the straightforwardness of the second is most inviting. Keep playing with combining these two and I think you'll have a winning combo.
Love the voice in #1! Agree with Lori. I wasn't clear on the fact that the characters were from her book. But I'd be ready to read! Good luck.
Ava, I thought of that movie too - She's The Man :) Cute movie. U.C., I like the second one as it's clearer, except for the populars part. Is that the pops from her old school or does she find a new nemesis?
Yes, very helpful! Now, to get it all into 140 characters...
Thanks again!
Thank you so much, Ava! I did add in the genre and have been trying to fit everything in. This is extremely difficult, but thank you so much for critiquing :)
Thanks Ava. I'll give it a try. Again. Thanks to everyone who give their thoughts. Good luck to all
Post a Comment