tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606209712314101104.post7867945070439992928..comments2023-12-26T18:33:04.681-08:00Comments on Writability: Fixing the First Page Feature #5Gabe (Ava Jae)http://www.blogger.com/profile/04778524723148508140noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606209712314101104.post-30031656395579522212014-10-31T07:45:42.747-07:002014-10-31T07:45:42.747-07:00This is a great critique. Thank you, Sioux! And I ...This is a great critique. Thank you, Sioux! And I also agree the line about nicking her finger is a particularly nice one. :)Ava Jaehttp://avajae.blogspot.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606209712314101104.post-23236389645528404042014-10-28T19:15:29.726-07:002014-10-28T19:15:29.726-07:00A really interesting beginning. There is a lot her...A really interesting beginning. There is a lot here that make me want to read more, but I do agree that it is too wordy. I love love love the idea of starting with the interaction with the messenger. It will bring a little dialogue and intrigue in right away, and a lot of what you tell us here could be shown to us as it happens instead. If that isn't appealing to you, I wonder if you could start with the line It’s a letter, Chantilly. The worst it can do is nick your fingers. I think it's your strongest line here for a couple of reasons. It shows us her nervousness about the letter (instead of telling us in several different ways), it gives us the name of our MC, and it gives us a little flavor of her voice. <br />Overall, though, I like the start you have going here. I would want to read more.Sioux Trettnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606209712314101104.post-8766429844362210542014-10-28T18:04:31.025-07:002014-10-28T18:04:31.025-07:00Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Mirjana! :)Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Mirjana! :)Ava Jaehttp://avajae.blogspot.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-606209712314101104.post-11882421102183276972014-10-27T18:02:24.101-07:002014-10-27T18:02:24.101-07:00This first 250 words was really strong! I love the...This first 250 words was really strong! I love the opening line- it had me hooked from the start. Overall really amazing; I would continue reading. :)Mirjana V.noreply@blogger.com