Fixing the First Page Feature #35

Photo credit: Keiko Hiyami on Flickr

June (and the halfway point of the year) is nearly here! Which means it's once again time for the Fixing the First Page critique—yay!

As usual, I'll start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I'll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (because I'm one person with one opinion!), as long as it's polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be unceremoniously deleted.

Let's do this. 

Title: WANDERSONG

Genre/Category: YA High Fantasy

First 250 words:

"There are very few things more inoffensively frustrating than a rainstorm. You’re forced to be cold and uncomfortable, you can’t see a thing, mud gets everywhere, and you’re haunted by the fact that just beyond that curtain of water, there is something towering, ancient, and hungry. 

So then you call the Kingdom’s Royal Officers to dispose of the giant monster looming over your town, and after two weeks with no reply — because they never reply — you end up all by yourself on a mountain soaking wet, freezing, filthy with mud, and wondering how you’re going to go about killing a fifty-foot tall Wanderer through all this damn rain. 

Now repeat for every month and a half. This is what Arony deals with for a living. 

The Wanderers are a species of massive pests that plague the Green Roam, a giant crack in the earth several nations long, with its widest point being a canyon gouging out the Vandega valley like it had been struck with a continent-sized axe. The Wanderers are especially a problem to the Vandega valley because they want inside that canyon. They want inside that canyon because the village of Typry was carved inside its walls, and at some point in that carving process, they had accidentally cracked open a massive well of magic. 

Arony doesn’t live in Typry, but the sheer scale of the problem has gotten large enough that she can’t avoid it anymore."

Wow! So firstly, the voice here is really clear, which is awesome. I actually really like the second person start—you don't see it often and it's hard to pull off, but I think it actually works well here, so nicely done!

I did find it a little odd to transition from second to third though. I've seen transitions from second to first, which I think tend to flow a little better because second is closer to first than it is third, but I stumbled over that in the third paragraph. I think maybe it could be fixed with a better transition...I'll suggest one below.

But all in all, very interesting opening with a great voice. :)

Now for the in-line notes!

"There are very few things more inoffensively frustrating than a rainstorm. I like having the adjective there (because of the voice) but I'm not 100% sure what "inoffensively frustrating" would even mean? I could see offensively frustrating, but I'm not sure what you meant by "inoffensively frustrating." You’re forced to be cold and uncomfortable, you can’t see a thing, mud gets everywhere, and you’re haunted by the fact that just beyond that curtain of water, there is something towering, ancient, and hungry haunts you. 

So then you call the Kingdom’s Royal Officers to dispose of the giant monster looming over your town, and after two weeks with no reply — because they never reply — you end up all by yourself on a mountain soaking wet, freezing, filthy with muddy, and wondering how you’re going to go about killing a fifty-foot tall Wanderer through all this damn rain. Love the interjection! And the damn rain bit. This voice is fantastic.

Now repeat for every month and a half. This is what  and you have what Arony deals with for a living. I think this works as a better transition because it flows more easily from second to third. Before I was tripping over "This is what" into third, which felt clunkier to me.

The Wanderers are a species of massive pests that plague the Green Roam, a giant crack in the earth several nations long,. with iIts widest point being is a canyon gouging out the Vandega valley like it'd had been struck with a continent-sized axe. Fantastic image and analogy there. The Wanderers are especially a problem to the Vandega valley because they want inside that canyon. They want inside that canyon because the village of Typry was carved inside its walls, and at some point in that carving process, they'd had accidentally cracked open a massive magic well of magic. I will say this paragraph reads a bit info-dump-y. I wonder if maybe you could introduce the monster first (like, Arony seeing the monster) and then give this information? It might transition a little better so it doesn't feel quite so much like a fantasy encyclopedia entry.

Arony doesn’t live in Typry, but the sheer scale of the problem has gotten large enough that she can’t avoid it anymore."

All in all, I have to say this is really well done. I'm super interested in what happens next, pretty much adore the voice, and if I saw this in the slush I'd absolutely keep reading. This story sounds like a lot of fun already and I want to get to know Arony more! :)

Really well done. Thanks for sharing your first 250 with us, KK!

Twitter-sized bite:

.@Ava_Jae talks strong YA voice, info-dumps, transitions & more in the 35th Fixing the First Page Feature. (Click to tweet)