Fixing the First Page Feature #34

Photo credit: gvgoebel on Flickr

May is on its way, the days are getting longer, and summer is on the horizon. Which means, of course, it's once again time for the Fixing the First Page critique!

As usual, I'll start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I'll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (because I'm one person with one opinion!), as long as it's polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be unceremoniously deleted.

Here we go!

Title: MY DEGRADE

Genre/Category: Psychological Suspense

First 250 Words:

"I’m not looking forward to tomorrow. It’s coming way too fast. The first day of school will be tomorrow, and I hadn’t quite recovered from last year. School wasn’t the best place for me; Mrs. Jackson made it hell. She thought everything I did was rude, and if I get her on my schedule, I know I’ll be sent at least three times a week to the office. There was an incident last year where she accused me of “assaulting” her. She was standing too close when she startled me awake and my arm hit her. They suspended me for the rest of the year after that. I still think she was overreacting, but it wasn’t like I did it on purpose!

I let out a deep breath. The sun was starting to set behind the mountains. It was time to go home. It was nice here, quiet, empty, and peaceful, except for the families that used the playgrounds. I could be here all the time. That wasn’t something that I could do though. Dad would send Uncle Hal after me, and being a police officer, he kind of had the upper hand on me. He’d find me so fast that I’d barely had time to breathe before I was found. I’d run, but he always could catch me; not bad for a guy as old as he is. 

I started walking home, my eyes stayed fixed on the sky. It’s so cool how the evenings could turn the sky into a myriad of colors."

Okay! So. Firstly, I'm guessing the category was just forgotten here, because with no category mentioned I was expecting adult but this is definitely not adult—judging by the voice, I'd say it was MG. That's not a flaw with the excerpt, but just be careful with how you're pitching it, because category is very important!

As far as the excerpt goes, the biggest thing I'm noticing right away is this is all exposition. You have to be very careful with expository openings—they're not impossible to pull off, but they are tricky because if you're too in the character's head, then readers have no idea what's going on and have no way to picture where the character is or what they're doing—which is what's happening here until the last paragraph. The other issue with expository openings is they often (though not always) equate a slower pace, particularly if there isn't an immediate conflict the character is thinking about. Here we do have some conflict—the protagonist doesn't want to go to school—but it seems he's just walking around thinking, and I don't think that's a powerful enough opening to really grab the reader. I'd consider starting somewhere closer to the inciting incident.

All right, let's take a look at the line edits:

"I’m not looking forward to tomorrow. It’s coming way too fast. The first day of school will be tomorrow, and I hadn’t quite recovered from last year. Okay, so we've got some tense slippage here. Your first two and a half sentences are in present tense, but then everything else is in past tense. Pick a tense and stick with it (I'm guessing go with past tense, because it seems that's what the majority of your manuscript is.) School wasn’t the best place for me; Mrs. Jackson made it hell. She thought everything I did was rude, and if I get her on my schedule, I know I’ll be sent at least three times a week to the office. There was an incident last year where she accused me of “assaulting” her. She was standing too close when she startled me awake and my arm hit her. They suspended me for the rest of the year after that. This honestly just seems really unlikely. Accidentally hitting someone (and in the scenario described, it seems pretty obvious it'd be an accident) wouldn't end in someone's suspension that long. Especially since schools acknowledge end-of-year tests are important. I still think she was overreacting, but ; it wasn’t like I did it on purpose!

I let out a deep breath. The sun was starting to setting behind the mountains. It was time to go home. It was nice here, quiet, empty, and peaceful, except for the families that usinged the playgrounds. I wish I could be here all the time,. That wasn’t something that I could do though. but Dad would send Uncle Hal after me, and being a police officer, he kind of had the upper hand on me. He’d find me so fast that I’d barely had time to breathe before I was found. I’d run, but he always could catch me; not bad for a guy as old as he iwas. 

I started walking towards home, my eyes stayed fixed on the sky. It’ was so cool how the evenings could turned the sky into a myriad of colors." "Myriad" doesn't fit the voice, to me. It's not a word a teen or younger kid would casually say.

So that's what I've got! Overall I think the opening would likely be better off closer to the inciting incident, as I mentioned, and with less exposition. Therefore, if I saw this in the slush, I would pass.

I hope that helps! Thanks for sharing your first 250 with us, David!

Twitter-sized bite:

.@Ava_Jae talks expository openings, starting in the right spot & more in the 34th Fixing the First Page Feature. (Click to tweet)