Fixing the First Page Feature #32

Photo credit: AnToonz on Flickr

We are nearing the end of February! Which for me at least has been a relatively good month despite not-so-great health things. I'll take it. This also of course means it's time for the next Fixing the First Page critique—yay!

As usual, I'll start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I'll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (because I'm one person with one opinion!), as long as it's polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be unceremoniously deleted.

Let's do this!

Title: CREW

Genre/Category: YA Contemporary

First 250 words:

"It’s not the moment your life collapses that’s the worst part.

It’s what comes after.

When you wake up from the nightmare to find out that it wasn’t, unfortunately, a nightmare, but your life, and you have to go on living it.

So this is me, approximately three months after my life ends and I have to start it all over again:

Sitting like a taut wire at the edge of one of those red velvet, deceptively uncomfortable auditorium seats, while on the stage a tiny Asian boy with skin issues is eking out Hamlet’s soliloquy.

“What dreams may come,” he squeaks, “When we have shuffled off this mortal coil—” 

Which sounds exactly what I’d like to be doing right about now. 

My knuckles are white. My intestines have tied themselves up into a knot and are currently trying to escape through my throat. I’m two people away from my audition. Some people have sucked, like this kid, but most have been pretty good. 

And me? I’ve never done this before. But if we’re going to base this on my high school endeavors to date, I’m placing my bets on the “suck” end of the spectrum. 

I could just get up and leave. I should just get up and leave.

But that would be admitting defeat. To Mom. To Vicky. To myself.

This was my last great idea. I’m out of options.

I take a deep breath. I can do this. I love plays. Especially Shakespeare. Especially Hamlet."

This is really interesting! I really like the voice—though there are some tweaks I'm going to suggest, I'd definitely place it as a teen—and the tension is clear. There's also some great imagery I'd like to see even more of, but not bad to start.

I have nothing significant to suggest changing overall, so let's look at the line edits:

"It’s not the moment your life collapses that’s the worst part. It’s what comes after. When you wake up from the nightmare to find out that it wasn’t, unfortunately, a nightmare, but your life, and you have to go on living it. Suggest making this one paragraph because I can already see you use short paragraphs a lot and "It's what comes after" doesn't really stand well on its own, and as a whole it makes more sense with all three together.

So this is me, approximately three months after my life ends and I have to start it all over again:

Sitting like a taut wire at the edge of one of those red velvet, deceptively uncomfortable auditorium seats, while on the stage a tiny Asian boy with skin issues pimples is eking out Hamlet’s soliloquy. Love the imagery in the bolded. I'd squeeze more in this first page if you could—not in this paragraph, but overall.

“What dreams may come,” he squeaks, “When we have shuffled off this mortal coil—” 

Which sounds exactly what I’d like to be doing right about now. Heh, this is a line that sounds very teenagery and snarky and I like it.

My knuckles are white. My intestines have are tied themselves up into a knot and are currently trying to escape through my throat. I’m two people away from my audition. Some people have sucked, like this kid, but most have been pretty good. 

And me? I’ve never done this before. But if we’re going to base this on my high school endeavors to date, "Endeavors" isn't really a word teens (or even most adults to be honest) use casually. Switch this out with something more casual. I’m placing my bettings on the “suck” end of the spectrum. 

I could just get up and leave. I should just get up and leave. But that would be admitting defeat. To Mom. To Vicky. To myself. These work better as a paragraph together, IMO. 

This was my last great idea. I’m out of options.

I take a deep breath. I can do this. I love plays. Especially Shakespeare. Especially Hamlet."

Okay, so, the main thing I'm noticing overall is overuse of short paragraphs. This is something I see pretty often as an editor, and I get it—short paragraphs are punchy. The more you use them, however, the less punchy they are. Remember, stylistic things in writing should be used as a spice—a little here, a little there, but use too much and you ruin the dish and everything tastes like salt. Try to only use short paragraphs when you really want to give the paragraph some impact—and remember with every use it becomes a little less powerful.

Otherwise, I think this is a strong start. Be careful with word choice (every word should sound like it'd come from a teen!) but the voice is interesting, I like the imagery, and if I saw this in the slush, I'd keep reading.

I hope that helps! Thanks for sharing your first 250 with us, Mary Kate!

Twitter-sized bite:

.@Ava_Jae talks voice, stylistic writing effects, and more in the 32nd Fixing the First Page Feature. (Click to tweet)