Fixing the First Page Feature #31

Photo credit: lwpkommunikacio on Flickr

The first month of 2017 is nearly over! And...what a month it's been. Yeesh. But the bright side is the first Fixing the First Page critique of 2017 has finally arrived, so let's do this.

As usual, I'll start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I'll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (because I'm one person with one opinion!), as long as it's polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be unceremoniously deleted.

Here we go! 

Title: A MURDER OF OWLS

Genre/Category: Adult Urban Fantasy/Thriller

First 250 words:

"Jacinta Rose committed her first murder ten years before she was born.

Six months ago, when the memories of her serial killing first returned, she’d thought herself delusional. But now, as she lingers in the rotting heart of the power station, she can’t deny the truth any longer. All her research has brought her here.

Jacinta stands on a web of concrete bridges suspended three stories high. Drab steel walls frame the vast industrial area, barred windows twisting the afternoon light as it spills inside. Only her dark pea coat keeps a gaunt chill at bay. The power station is old and withered, a nest of spiders and memories. From her perch, Jacinta can see where the body landed. In her mind’s eye, she can still see the body. 

The power station had been decades away from being abandoned after Cyclone Briar, the floor a writing mass of bodies and machinery. She’d walked nonchalantly, rolling up the sleeves of her casual black suit. Brown skin and dark curls reflected back at her in the glass windows parallel to the walkway. Despite the gulf of time, she still appeared twenty-five.

The foreman was looking way, didn’t even see the knife she seemed to pull from thin air. It rippled like liquid silver and stabbed into his back once, twice. Rubies of blood fell. Jacinta struck him hard in the neck before the first droplet hit the walkway. The man twisted, muscles spasming. Smiling, she swept his legs out from underneath him, and he fell."

Huh, okay. Well firstly, before I forget I want to say I love the title—it's really cool. But at any rate, this is an interesting opening. Super dark, obviously, though I'm not entirely clear whether this is before an inciting incident or if this is a prologue. The biggest issue I'm having upfront is I'm not connecting to—who I'm assuming is—the protagonist. From my perspective right now she's just a random (immortal?) murderer who killed someone for no reason. As a reader, I need to better understand what's going on here and what the justification is for these violent acts before I'm going to give this protagonist the benefit of the doubt. Especially since she seems to enjoy it.

Secondly, I'm missing the tension and hint of conflict here, because I don't know why the protagonist (or who I'm assuming is the protagonist) is doing this. Of course we can't expect to know everything on the first page, but a hint of that motivation could really help both clue the readers in as to why they should care about what's going on and better understand the protagonist so we don't assume this is just a bloodthirsty killer.

Now for the line edits!

"Jacinta Rose committed her first murder ten years before she was born. Very interesting opening line.

Six months ago, when the memories of her serial killing first returned, she’d thought herself delusional. I'm questioning whether you need this line right here, because right now I'm finding it confusing and it isn't adding any understanding to this scene, for me. But now, as she lingers in the rotting heart of the power station, she can’t deny the truth any longer. What truth? All her research has brought her here.

Jacinta stands on a web of concrete bridges suspended three stories high. Drab steel walls frame the vast industrial area, barred windows twisting the afternoon light as it spills inside. Only her dark pea coat peacoat keeps a gaunt chill at bay. The power station is old and withered, a nest of spiders and memories. From her perch, Jacinta can see where the body landed. It'd be more effective if you replaced this with a description of the body. That way you aren't filtering ("Jacinta can see"), but by describing it the readers know Jacinta can see it. In her mind’s eye, she can still see the body.  Recommending deleting that line because it's basically the same as the previous line.

The power station had been decades away from being abandoned after Cyclone Briar, the floor a writing mass of bodies and machinery. She’d walked nonchalantly, rolling up the sleeves of her casual black suit. Brown skin and dark curls reflected back at her in the glass windows parallel to the walkway. Despite the gulf of time, she still appeared twenty-five. This paragraph is pretty well done. We've got nice description and some important information without info-dumping. 

The foreman was looking away, didn’t even see the knife she seemed to pulled from thin air. It rippled like liquid silver and as she stabbed into his back once, twice. Adjusted because the knife didn't stab him itself—she used the knife to stab him. Rubies of blood fell. Jacinta struck him hard in the neck before the first droplet hit the walkway. The man twisted, muscles spasming. Smiling, she swept his legs out from underneath him, and he fell." Last note: I'm a little confused here about whether this is the body she was looking at near the beginning of the sample and if we've jumped back in time to see what happened or if this is another body.

Okay, so all in all, this is an intriguing opening that leaves me with some hesitant questions. If I saw this in the slush, I'd probably read the next page or so to see where this was going and if I got better insight into the protagonist, but if this turned out to be a prologue or I didn't get what I was looking for, I'd probably pass.

I hope that helps! Thanks for sharing your first 250 with us, Amy!

Twitter-sized bites:

.@Ava_Jae talks character connection, motivation and more in the 31st Fixing the First Page Feature. (Click to tweet)