Fixing the First Page Feature #29

Photo credit: Javier Vieras on Flickr

We're now in the final days of November, the holidays are upon us, and the end of the year is nearing. I love the holiday season—it's my favorite time of year, so I, for one, am looking forward to the next (expensive) month. Which means it's time for this month's Fixing the First Page Feature!

As usual, I'll start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I'll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (because I'm one person with one opinion!), as long as it's polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be unceremoniously deleted.

Here we go!

Title: MAKING LOVE & MUSIC

Genre/Category: Adult Contemporary Romance

First 250 words:

"Three days into June and she was still wearing long sleeves and jeans.

Addy sighed, eying the rain-dampened pavement outside with blatant disdain. Summer was always slow to hit Canada, but this year even spring was taking its sweet time. 'It’s a cruel joke,' she told the little unicorn bobble-head stuck to the dashboard of her beat-up gold Intrepid. He nodded in agreement as she reached up to pull the car’s sun visor down. She had always been a summer girl, through and through, and this weather was crushing her soul. 

Oh well. She’d have enough time to complain about it once she was properly made-up and inside the station. 

The visor’s mirror only proved that she looked just as exhausted as she felt; not even the extra large coffee she’d purchased was going to save her. It would definitely have been wiser to make the four-hour drive home from the cottage the night before. 

Missing sleep was among her least favourite things in the world, but it was worth it. She could live with one day of caffeine jitters and sleep-deprived misery if it meant she got to spend even a few extra hours with Dad and her big sister Alexis. She loved her family more than anything, and living across the border from them was the only genuine complaint she had about her life. 

After applying a quick coat of lipstick and mascara, Addy took a moment to evaluate her quickie makeup job. 'Nope,' she sighed. 'Still look like a corpse.'"

Okay! So, first thoughts: I think this is a nice start—I enjoyed the imagery and the line at the end was fun—but it's missing any hint of conflict. As I've said in previous critiques, you definitely don't need The Problem on page one, but it can help to infuse a little foreshadowed conflict or hint of whatever is wrong to come early on, because it establishes tension right away which can pull readers in. Without it, you have an opening that's nice, but it might not grab readers or be particularly memorable.

So overall, this isn't a bad start—I just think it could use some tweaking to make it grab a little more.

Now for the in-line notes:

"Three days into June and she was still wearing long sleeves and jeans.

Addy sighed, eying glaring at the rain-dampened pavement outside with blatant disdain. You don't have to use that phrasing exactly, of course, but I tweaked the sentence to show her disdain with an action (glaring) rather than saying she's looking with disdain. Summer was always slow to hit Canada, but this year even spring was taking its sweet time. 'It’s a cruel joke,' she told the little unicorn bobble-head stuck to the dashboard of her beat-up gold Intrepid. He nodded in agreement as she reached up to pulled the car’s sun visor down. Condensed that sentence some. She'd had always been a summer girl, through and through, and this weather was crushing her soul. 

Oh well. She’d have enough time to complain about it once she was properly made-up and inside the station. 

The visor’s mirror only proved that she looked just as exhausted as she felt; not even the her extra large coffee she’d purchased was going to save her. It would definitely have been wiser to make the four-hour drive home from the cottage the night before. 

Missing sleep was among her least favourite things in the world, but it was worth it. She could live with one day of caffeine jitters and sleep-deprived misery if it meant she got to spend even a few extra hours with Dad and her big sister Alexis. She loved her family more than anything, and living across the border from them was the her only genuine life complaint she had about her life. 

After applying a quick coat of lipstick and mascara, Addy took a moment to evaluate her quickie makeup job. Took out quick because the speed is implied with "quickie makeup job" and you don't need to say quick twice. 'Nope,' she sighed. 'Still look like a corpse.'" I like that last line. :) 

All right, so, main adjustments here are to cut out unnecessary wordiness, but overall there wasn't that much that needed fixing, as you can see. The main thing I think needs tweaking is what I mentioned above—some conflict—but other than that I think this is a well-written start. If I saw this in the slush, I'd keep reading...but if some conflict or tension didn't come up quickly, I'd probably stop reading.

I hope that helps! Thanks for sharing your first 250 with us, Andrea!

Would you like to be featured in the next Fixing the First Page critique? Keep an eye out for the next giveaway in December!


Twitter-sized bite:

.@Ava_Jae talks wordiness, adding early tension, and more in the 29th Fixing the First Page Feature. (Click to tweet)