Fixing the First Page Feature #25

Photo credit: marco monetti on Flickr

We are exactly one week from August! And so the time is here again, to critique another first page here on Writability. Yay! 

As per usual, I'll start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I'll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (because I'm one person with one opinion!), as long as it's polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be unceremoniously deleted.

Let's do this thing. 

Title: RISING

Genre/Category: YA Historical Fantasy

First 250 words: 

"Ailis slipped out from the glow of the street lamp into the shadows of the porch. Shivering from the cold, she peered down the lonely alley. Ivy hung low over the wooden eaves, offering concealment from the road, and from the British armored truck that was parked in front of the flats across the drive. She hadn’t expected the enemy’s presence so near. From her orders, she knew Pedlar’s Cross was occupied, but not that the Tommies were taking billets on the same street as her dispatch. 

She took a deep breath and tried not to tremble, but to hold back the fear. Her Mam had cautioned that this work was not for young people. She said the risks were too high and her daughter had no business endangering her life like the men do. Ailis refused to hear of it, yet her Mam’s voice echoed in her ears, even though she was miles from home. 

'You can’t imagine what they’d do to you, Ailis. If they catch you they’d be shearing the wool clean off your head, fixing you for a hanging,' she had said. 

It didn’t matter though. Ailis was going to defend her homeland alongside her da, and alongside the man she loved, too. She tapped on the door with the brass knocker as quietly as she could. Three taps, silence, and two taps. 

She wrung her hands, both to keep them warm and to settle her nerves. Being seen outside this late at night was a crime."

Wow! So no question about it, this is a great opening. We've got instant conflict, some beautiful imagery, and tons of tension right off the bat. Upon a first glance, I'm very impressed and definitely want to read more. :)

Now for the in-line notes.

"Ailis slipped out from under the glow of the street lamp into the shadows of the porch. Beautiful opening imagery. Shivering from the cold, she peered down the lonely alley. I'm cutting "from the cold" to condense—and also given her situation, she's probably pretty afraid too. Ivy hung low over the wooden eaves, offering concealingment her from the road, and from the British armored truck that was parked in front of the flats across the drive. All adjustments made to condense. She hadn’t expected the enemy’s presence so near. From hHer orders, she knew said Pedlar’s Cross was occupied, but not that the Tommies were taking billets on the same street as her dispatch. Adjusted to remove filtering ("she knew").

She took a deep breath and tried not to tremble, but to hold back the fear. The fear bit of the sentence is unnecessary, IMO. The trembling/deep breath plus the following thoughts already shows her fear well. :) Her Mam had cautioned that this work wasno't for young people. She said the risks were too high and her daughter had no business endangering her life like the men do. Ailis refused to hear of it, yet her Mam’s voice echoed in her ears, even though she was miles from home. Great (and nicely placed) detail.

'You can’t imagine what they’d do to you, Ailis. If they catch you they’d be shearing the wool clean off your head, fixing you for a hanging,' she had said. Fantastic world building and setting up of stakes here.

It didn’t matter though. Ailis was going to defend her homeland alongside her da, and alongside the man she loved, too. More nicely placed information. She tapped on the door with the brass knocker as quietly as she could. Three taps, silence, and two taps. And another nice detail—great job. :)

She wrung her hands, both to keep them warm and to settle her nerves. Being seen outside this late at night was a crime." Great world building, tension, stakes, everything.

So in case it wasn't obvious in my notes, I love this one. The world building is really well done, the details are fantastic, I can picture everything, and I need more! Most of my notes are just focused on condensing to make it read even more smoothly, and I would 100% keep reading if I saw this in the slush. Also, I don't know if Dianne plans to enter #PitchWars, but if not, you should definitely do that thing, Dianne. :)

I hope that helps! Thanks for sharing your first 250 with us, Dianne!

Would you like to be featured in a Fixing the First Page Feature? Keep an eye out for the next critique giveaway in August!

Twitter-sized bite:

.@Ava_Jae talks condensing, great world building and more in the 25th Fixing the First Page critique. (Click to tweet)