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| Photo credit: phalinn on Flickr |
As per usual, I'll start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I'll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (because I'm one person with one opinion!), as long as it's polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be unceremoniously deleted.
Here we go!
Title: CYBER HAZE
Genre/Category: New Adult Paranormal/Urban Fantasy
First 250:
"I’m paralysed. Everything from the neck down no longer responds. I breathe in sharp and try to move my toes, my hands, my fingers.
Nothing.
The only thing I can do is stare up into a light ― a bright blue light.
Tears leak from my eyes as probes and electrodes are attached to various part of my body. The needle-like instruments stab underneath my fingernails as the straps pinning me down to the surgical table are tightened.
My heart thunders in my chest.
'It’s alright, just be a good girl. This will hurt, but if you be a good girl I promise you can play with the yoyo again. You like the yoyo, don’t you, Raven?'
A masked man comes into view.
'Do you want me to administer another, Doctor?' a nurse asks.
'No, she’s had the maximum dose already. We’ll continue in her current state.'
Wires jostle above my head as the doctor moves away, a huge surgical light now being lowered over my body.
I’m hyperventilating.
'Doctor, she’s panicking. I have to give her another.'
'She won’t respond if we do that.'
Something sharp is attached to each of my temples.
'MRGHHHHH!' I scream against my gag, the nurse trying to calm me as tears pour down my face.
'Doctor! Doctor, she’s going to have another seizure! We have to sedate her!'
'Just leave it, Edith! She has to be conscious or this won’t work! This has to work this time!'
'But she―'
'I’m starting the procedure! Injecting the solution. Just keep her stable!'"
Are you sure this isn't a horror novel? Kidding, kidding...
Okay, well I am definitely interested after reading the opening, in a sort of horrified fascination. I'd say you've definitely got a good hook here, and I'm very curious (and disturbed) about what's going on. All of this is good, because it means if I had more pages, I'd definitely keep reading to find out what was going on.
So great start so far. Let's take a closer look now.
"I’m paralysed. Everything from the neck down no longer responds. I feel like this could be more evocative. Starting off with this unexpected paralysis is definitely interesting, but right now we're being told she's paralyzed—literally told. I'd like to really be in her head and feel what she's feeling. What is she thinking when she can't move? Is this expected? Does she panic? How does it feel to try to move but not have your body respond? You start to get a taste of that with her sharp breath in the next sentence, but I'd really like to see more. I'd like to know exactly what's going on in her head and how it feels to be literally trapped in your unresponsive body. I breathe in sharp and try to move my toes, my hands, my fingers.
Nothing.
The only thing I can do is stare up into a light ― a bright blue light. This is a nice detail of the blue light. What I'm missing from this opening so far is emotion, though. This could be a very powerful start if we got a glimpse into how this ordeal is making her feel from the start.
Tears leak from my eyes as probes and electrodes are attached to various part of my body. This is passive phrasing—probes and electrodes are attached. Instead, I'd like to see tis shifting so we can see who is doing this to her. The instruments aren't attaching themselves and stabbing themselves into her. Show us who is doing this to her. Also, what various parts of her body? The needle-like instruments stab underneath my fingernails as the straps pinning me down to the surgical table are tightened.
My heart thunders in my chest. This is good, but I think we could use more of her bodily reactions showing emotion even up to this point. If you haven't bought it already, I highly recommend The Emotion Thesaurus by Angela Ackerman and Becca Puglisi—it's a fantastic resource full of entries that show exactly how different emotions affect the body, which makes showing emotion a million and two times easier.
'It’salrightall right (common mistake—"alright" is technically not a real word), just be a good girl. This will hurt, but if you be a good girl I promise you can play with the yoyo again. You like the yoyo, don’t you, Raven?' I'm very curious about why they're speaking to her like a child when the age category would indicate she's not a child. Unless...this is a flashback? If this is a flashback, I would recommend against it—starting with flashbacks are pretty confusing for readers, and especially when the flash back is more exciting than the actual opening scene, it tends to irritate readers because it's a bait and switch. Of course, I don't know for sure that this is a flashback, but just in case...
A masked man comes into view. Masked how? I mean, in the next sentence we figure out he's a doctor, but "masked" could mean a lot of things. I'd slip in a short, quick description to indicate it's a face mask or something.
'Do you want me to administer another, Doctor?' a nurse asks.
'No, she’s had the maximum dose already. We’ll continue in her current state.'
Wires jostle above my head as the doctor moves away,; a huge surgical lightnow beingis lowered over my body.
I’m hyperventilating. Again, I think this could be more evocative. It'd be much more powerful to see her struggling for breath, getting dizzy from lack of oxygen, etc., than being told she's hyperventilating.
'Doctor, she’s panicking. I have to give her another.'
'She won’t respond if we do that.'
Something sharp is attached to each of my temples. Attached how? Did they press the sharp thing into her? Is it held by something else? This is important because in the next line I'm not sure if she's screaming because this hurts or because she's panicking, or both. Also, this is passive again—rephrase to make it more active and show who is doing what.
'MRGHHHHH!' I scream against my gag, the nurse trying to calm me as tears pour down my face. How? What does the nurse do? Again; more evocative when we see what people are doing rather than being told they're doing it. Is the nurse patting her? Shushing her? Holding her hand? Touching her cheek? There are a lot of possibilities.
'Doctor! Doctor, she’s going to have another seizure!—Wwe have to sedate her!.' I recommend cutting down on the exclamation points. Too many and the dialogue starts to drift into melodramatic territory. :)
'Just leave it, Edith! She has to be conscious or this won’t work!—Tthis has to work this time!.''
'But she―'
'I’m starting the procedure!. Injecting the solution. Just keep her stable!.'"
Okay, so, overall, assuming this isn't a flashback, I think this is a strong—and disturbing—start. The two biggest issues I'm seeing are a) making sure that you really dive into the writing and get into Raven's head so the readers feel what she's feeling and understand exactly how she's experiencing this and b) that you remove the passive phrasing and reword it so the readers understand exactly what's going on and who is in control. And just for a refresher, here's a great article on active versus passive voice.
As I said, I think this has a ton of potential and with some tweaking could be incredibly powerful. I just sincerely hope this isn't a flashback because if so...I'd have to strongly recommend against starting here.
If I saw this in the slush, I would definitely keep reading to see where it goes.
I hope that helps! Thanks for sharing your first 250 with us, Peta!
Would you like to be featured in a Fixing the First Page Feature? Keep an eye out for the next critique giveaway in May!
Twitter-sized bite:
.@Ava_Jae talks delving into the POV character's head and flashbacks in the 22nd Fixing the First Page critique. (Click to tweet)
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