Fixing the First Page #13

Photo credit: zubrow on Flickr

Somehow, we’re nearing August, which is somewhat terrifying and also how is this summer nearly over? Yeesh.

Anyway! We’ve got this month’s first page critique all set up! As these things go, I'll start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I'll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (I'm just one person with one opinion!), as long as it's polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be unceremoniously deleted.

Here we go!

Title: STARBOUND

Genre/Category: Adult Fantasy

First 250: 

“Evening memos never brought good news, and I could smell one in my mailbox. The once beloved sweet, gassy smell of barrel-printing was now the odor of tightened belts and knotted purses. I picked up the page and hissed as the edge sliced the pad of my little finger. 

I sucked my finger and read an order to discharge 30% of my Mental Recovery patients by next week, to prepare for the legions of soldiers returning home from the war. I'd have to choose as if anyone in a bed now was staying in a hospital for the cuisine and ambiance. Who was too mad to leave? Who was sane enough to go? 

I stuffed it in my coat pocket, jogging downstairs and out the front door. 

An Autumn breeze kissed my cheeks, a friend I hadn't met in years. The evening air had a streak of Winter in it, a promise of frost on the grass in the morning and nothing at all of Laneer's everlasting Summer and gunfire. Home. For a moment I believed it. I'm home. 

The heavy door of the hospital swung shut behind me. I lit a cigarette and curled my hand around it to hide the tell-tale light of the burning end, shifted to put a graystone pillar between me and the tree with the best line of sight to the front door. I grimaced at my foolishness, but the band of tension along my shoulders eased. 

Sixteen men. I had to choose them and send them home.”

What an interesting start! Overall, I think this is really well-written, and I like the tension we get right from the first sentence. The conflict is established right away, we get a hint of world building without an info dump and we feel right away for the protagonist, who seems to be a decently nice person stuck in a tough situation. The main tweaks I’m noticing are in-line adjustments (and small ones at that), so I think this is pretty good shape. :)

Let’s take a look at in-line edits:

“Evening memos never brought good news, and I could smell one in my mailbox. Not a huge deal here, because it kind of works, but I still think this could be more visual if the filter phrase was removed and the sentence was re-worded slightly. The once beloved sweet, gassy smell of barrel-printing was now the odor of tightened belts and knotted purses. Great imagery, here. Very evocative. I picked up grabbed the page and hissed as the edge sliced the pad of my little finger. 

I sucked my finger and read an —the order read to discharge 30% of my Mental Recovery (Is this capitalized for a reason?) patients by next week, to prepare for the legions of soldiers returning home from the war. I'd have to choose as if anyone in a bed now was staying in a hospital for the cuisine and ambiance. Who was too mad to leave? Be careful with the implication of craziness—having a mental illness/disorder does not equate to being crazy, and a lot of people take offense to the implication/stereotype. It's not a great thing to perpetuate. Who was sane enough to go? 

I stuffed it in my coat pocket, jogging downstairs and out the front door. 

An Autumn breeze kissed my cheeks, a friend I hadn't met in years. Is there a book-related reason the seasons are capitalized? I’m not sure. The evening air had a streak of Winter in it, a promise of frost on the grass in the morning and nothing at all of Laneer's everlasting Summer and gunfire. Home. GREAT world building here, and I absolutely love the imagery of an everlasting summer and gunfire. Gorgeous. For a moment I believed it. I'm home. 

The heavy door of the hospital swung shut behind me. I lit a cigarette and curled my hand around it to hide the tell-tale light of the burning end,. I shifted to put a graystone pillar between me and the tree with the best a direct line of sight to the front door. I grimaced at my foolishness, I’d like to see this reworded a bit. Why is it foolishness? Is her smoking outside foolish? Hiding behind the pillar foolish? What exactly is going on in her head? If we can see her chastising herself internally with some thoughts, it’d be much even more powerful than what you have here. but the band of tension along my shoulders eased. This is nice, though. I like this. 

Sixteen men. I had to choose them and send them home.” What will happen to the men she sends home prematurely? I think it’d be good to get a hint of that in here somewhere, just so we truly understand the stakes.

Overall, as I said, I think this is really well done and the tweaks are minor. If you’re careful with wordiness and give us a bit more of a hint on the stakes at play here, I think you’ll be completely set with this first 250. If I saw this in the slush, I’d keep reading!

I hope this helps! Thanks for sharing your first 250, Angela!

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Twitter-sized bite:

.@Ava_Jae talks vivid imagery and setting the stakes in the 13th Fixing the First Page critique. (Click to tweet)