Fixing the First Page Feature #7

Photo credit: Tostito Verde on Flickr

All right! So as these things go, I’m going to start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I’ll share my overall thoughts, then my redline critique. As per usual, I encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (because, as I will continue to say, I’m only one person with one opinion!), as long as it’s polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be deleted.

Here we go!

Title: CLAN FEIDHELM (working title)  

Genre/Category: NA Fantasy 

First 250: 

“Caera barely managed to duck in time. Had she hesitated for even a split second, the spear’s iron tip would have sliced open her face from cheek to ear.

She jabbed her own spear at her opponent, but Danu was ready for it. She caught Caera’s strike on her shield and knocked it aside. Caera backpedaled. Always move to the right, she reminded herself. That movement will give you the natural advantage nine times out of ten. She circled in that direction, wary. Danu did the same, her eyes narrowed in a predatory stare.

Caera swallowed and shifted her double-handed grip on her weapon. She feinted left but before she could spin away, Danu kicked her in the knee. An involuntary gasp escaped Caera’s lips as her knee twisted at an awkward angle, sending a sharp shot of pain up her leg as it crumpled beneath her.

Before she could regain her footing, Danu lowered her shield and slammed it against Caera’s shoulder, sending her sprawling into the tight-packed dirt. She lost her grip on her spear as her back slammed against the ground, knocking the breath from her body. Then Danu’s foot was on her chest, pinning her down. Her spearhead pricked the exposed skin of Caera’s throat.

‘Dead yet again,’ Danu said. ‘That’s what, the fourth time today I would’ve killed you?’ She pulled back her spear and grinned.

‘Third,’ Caera corrected. She sat up and smiled wryly at her cousin. ‘Only the third, thank you very much.’”

Cute! Okay, so overall I think this is a fun start. I don’t see anything glaringly obvious that would make me immediately put this down (yay!), though my main caution with openings like this that start in medias res is to make sure that start to care about your protagonist quickly or the danger (real or not) won’t matter to the readers. How you do that is up to you (and might take more than a page to establish, which is okay).

Now the redline critique:

“Caera barely managed to duck in time. Had she hesitated for even a split second, the spear’s iron tip would have sliced open her face from cheek to ear. This isn’t a bad opening, but it’s a little wordy. I’d condense to: “Had Caera hesitated for even a second, the spear’s iron tip would’ve sliced open her face from cheek to ear.” 

She jabbed her own spear at her opponent, but Danu was ready for it. She caught Caera’s strike on her shield, and knocked knocking it aside. Caera backpedaled. Always move to the right, she reminded herself. That movement will It’ll give you the natural advantage nine times out of ten. She circled in that direction right, wary. Danu did the same, her eyes narrowed in a predatory stare.

Caera swallowed and shifted her double-handed grip on her weapon. She feinted left but before she could spin away, Danu kicked her in the knee. An involuntary gasp escaped Caera’s lips Caera gasped as her knee twisted at an awkwardly. angle, sending a sharp shot of Sharp pain shot up her leg as it crumpled beneath her.

Before she could regain her footing, Danu lowered her shield and slammed it her shield against Caera’s shoulder, sending her sprawling into the tight-packed dirt. She lost her grip on dropped her spear as her back slammed against the ground, knocking the breath from her body. Then Danu’s foot was on her chest, pinning her down. Her spearhead pricked the exposed skin of Caera’s throat.

‘Dead yet again,’ Danu said. ‘That’s what, the fourth time today I would’ve killed you?’ (First super nitpicky comment: this “I’ve killed you x-times today” thing is used a lot. I’m not saying you shouldn’t use it (in fact, I’ve used it) but it’s good to be aware that it’s relatively common. You may want to consider using a different line of dialogue, or maybe not. Up to you, but it’s good to think about.) She pulled back her spear and grinned.

‘Third,’ Caera corrected. She sat up and smiled wryly at her cousin. (Second super nitpicky comment: Caera just got her knee twisted pretty badly, which sounded like a serious injury. If it’s not a serious injury, then okay, but in my experience, twisting your knee, even if it’s not super bad, hurts for a while, so I’m not totally convinced on how smiley she’d be right now.) ‘Only the third, thank you very much.’”

So, right, you’ll notice that I only have two in-line comments because overall, I think this was done pretty well. The biggest thing I noticed, which I suspect is going to be a manuscript-wide issue, is there’s a lot of wordiness. This, like my comments, is a nitpicky observation, but I recommend you go through your manuscript and try to condense wherever you can, using one powerful word instead of three, if that makes sense.

That being said, if I saw this in the slush, I’d keep reading. I’m curious, and wordiness isn’t enough to totally set me off from a submission if the story is interesting. :)

Very nice job! Thanks for sharing your first 250, Meghan!

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Twitter-sized bite: 

.@Ava_Jae talks wordiness and condensing your writing in the 7th Fixing the First Page crit. (Click to tweet)