Fixing the First Page Feature #5

Photo credit: zappowbang on Flickr

So as these things go, I’m going to start by posting the full first 250 excerpt, after which I’ll share some overall thoughts, then my redline critique. As I’ve said before, I super encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques in the comments (after all, I’m only one person with one opinion!), as long as it’s polite, thoughtful, and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be removed.

Okay! Let’s do this thing.

Title: ON THE MIDNIGHT STREETS

Category/Genre: YA Steampunk

Excerpt:

“The envelope in my hand has corners sharp enough to cut me, and for a long moment, I trick myself into thinking it will if I hold it for too long. The clock on our wall ticks one, two, twenty-two times, calmly enough that I can let it time my inhales. My eyes wouldn’t deceive me - the messenger who passed it to me through a chink in our doorframe was dressed in livery finer than anyone in these parts has seen in decades. But stranger still was his expression, so guardedly incredulous that the memory of it makes me afraid of the letter he’s brought me. 

Strained light coming through the boardinghouse window just barely lets me notice the creamy sheen of the parchment and Mother’s name, printed primly on one side in a hand I don’t recognize. That is what catches me, the unfamiliarity of the writing. For years I’ve been taking Mother’s post in the mornings, but never this early, and never from anyone I haven’t known all my life. My heart shrinks as I stare at the address, undeniably ours, right down to the boardinghouse room. Bone-deep foreboding turns my fingers to stone. 

It’s a letter, Chantilly. The worst it can do is nick your fingers. 

It’s far too smooth to be anything less than Upper City material, so thick that it sets me on edge. I turn it over to break the seal when I see it: the emblem of the king and crown, Clarabel’s dagger overrun by thistles.”

Interesting start! I’m really liking some of the details here, like the thick paper and the clock, which starts us off with some nice imagery. The main thing I’m noticing writing-wise is there’s some wordiness, which I’ll address in the in-line notes below. As for the pacing and plot thus far, I’m wondering if maybe we’ve got a little too much focus on the circumstances of the letter on the first page. This is a bit hard for me to judge without seeing more, but I’m thinking I would’ve liked to see Chantily start reading the letter on the first page rather than staring at it the whole time.

That being said, I often see openings that start too early in the story, but I wonder if this starts a little too late? You mention a stranger delivering the letter, and as you’ll see below, I think if you maybe start there and show us that interaction, it could be a really interesting opening immediately full of tension and foreboding. Overall, though, I think this is well done.

Now the in-line notes:

“The envelope in my hand has corners sharp enough to cut me, and for a long moment, I trick myself into thinking it will if I hold it for too long. You say “long” twice in this sentence, so it’s an easy cut, here. The clock on our wall ticks one, two, twenty-two times, calmly enough that I can let it times my inhales. My eyes wouldn’t deceive me – (This phrase here seems unnecessary to me) the messenger who passed it to me through a chink in our doorframe was dressed in livery finer than anyone in these parts has seen in decades. Where is “these parts”? This is a super easy fix—just give us the name of the place and that one little detail will add to the worldbuilding. But stranger still was his expression, so guardedly incredulous that the memory of remembering it makes me afraid of the letter he’s brought me. I wonder…could you show us this scene? I feel like this would be a really interesting, tension-filled moment and could make a really great opening. Just a thought. Also, rather than telling us about her fear (“it makes me afraid”), show us how that fear is affecting her. It’s much more effective. 

Strained light coming through the boardinghouse window just barely lets me notice the creamy sheen of the parchment and Mother’s name, printed primly on one side in a hand I don’t recognize. What is the light strained through? Slatted boards? Paint? Grime on the window? This would be a nice detail to have. That is what catches me, the unfamiliarity of the writing catches me. For years I’ve been taking Mother’s post in the mornings, but never this early, and never from anyone I haven’t known all my life. My heart shrinks as I stare at the address, undeniably ours, right down to the boardinghouse room. Bone-deep foreboding turns my fingers to stone. 

It’s a letter, Chantilly. The worst it can do is nick your fingers. I really like this line. It shows us Chantily’s nervousness and starts to characterize her. Very nice. 

It’s far too smooth to be anything less than Upper City material, so thick that it sets me on edge. We already know she’s on edge. Can you replace this with something else? Also, the first part of this sentence has some really nice details. I turn it over to break the seal when I see it: the emblem of the king and crown,: Clarabel’s dagger overrun by thistles.”

As I’ve said before, I think this is a great start, and with a little adjusting it could be even more powerful. If I saw this in the slush, I’d probably continue reading, and I’d be cautiously optimistic.

In the end, remember it’s totally up to you what changes you do or don’t want to make (after all, it’s your story!). But these are my recommendations and I hope they help.

Thanks for sharing your first 250, Christine!

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Twitter-sized bite:

.@Ava_Jae talks about wordiness and deciding what's in-scene in the 5th Fixing the First Page crit. (Click to tweet)