Fixing the First Page Feature #4

Photo credit: Hadi Zaher on Flickr

Okay! So as per usual, I’m going to start by posting the full 250 excerpt, after which I’ll share some overall thoughts, then my redline critique. I totally encourage you guys to share your own thoughts and critiques (I’m only one person with one opinion!), as long as it’s polite, thoughtful and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be removed.

Okay? Okay. Let’s get started. 

Title: EXODUS 

Genre/Category: NA Sci-Fi (*high-fives*) 

First 250:  

It was his first blue sky in twenty years. 

All around him Roy Barrows heard the obnoxious chorus of slot machines and spilled coins, while tobacco smoke fogged the room and dizzied his head.  But what a view!  Roy was the only person stationed at the casino’s great window—a section of the enormous protective dome that enclosed the city—and he was the only one who seemed to care that a world existed beyond the card table and the spinning wheel.  Below him, on the other side of the dome, mighty ocean waves crashed against formidable cliffs, leaving white pools of foam sloshing around the jagged rocks at the bottom.  The captivating scene was just how Em had described it in a letter once.  But the sky was even bluer than her last picture. 

Two decades had passed since mankind left the planet.  With its dome Fortuna was the only terrestrial city left, and you needed bags of money or a job with the Protectorate government just to get there.  Though a Sentinel like Agent Barrows never got a day off, an assignment on the planet was almost as good.  Roy had been sent there for a light security detail to clear his head; and already, as he soaked in the scenery outside and the ambient tunes of a piano across the gambling hall, he was beginning to relax.  

At length the stage drew Roy’s full attention when the piano flourished and a deep voice announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, tonight’s entertainment: Emiline Gray!"

Okay, so my very first impression here is that nothing is really happening in the opening. Roy is admiring the view, thinking about the world history (more on that in a minute) and about to enjoy some kind of show. But as is, on the first page, all Roy is doing is sitting and thinking. Which is a bit of a problem. 

I always recommend that writers start with their characters doing something. Introspective openings often fall flat because they tend not to be the most interesting openings, and they also tend to lead to info-dumping. Which is the second issue. 

In the third paragraph you immediately start giving us a mini-history on Roy’s world, and I don’t personally feel that this is the right place for it. While openings need some grounding information, it’s much more effective to spread that information out and show us as much as you can through dialogue, action, thought, etc. By telling us everything upfront (or a lot upfront, like you do here), you’re essentially pausing the action to give us background information, then starting with the actual action, which is especially problematic in openings because you need to catch the reader’s attention as quickly as possible, and giving us a mini-history lesson on your world isn’t the most effective way to go about it. (Don’t worry—this is something a lot of writers have a tendency of doing with early drafts. You are most certainly not alone). 

Now the in-line notes: 

It was his first blue sky in twenty years. I’m a little torn with this first sentence. On one hand, you’re giving us world information in a subtle way, which is nice, but on the other hand, looking at the abnormal sky is a relatively common opening with Sci-Fi/Dystopian/Post-Apocalyptic novels. This isn’t a bad opening, but I think you could do better. 

All around him Roy Barrows heard the obnoxious chorus of slot machines and spilled coins, while tobacco smoke fogged the room and dizzied his head.  While you have some really nice imagery here (I particularly like the tobacco smoke fogging the room), you’re filtering here a little with “[he] heard.” Chuck Palahniuk wrote an excellent article that completely changed the way I look at filter phrases, and I super recommend you (and everyone reading this) read it if you haven’t already. (As my CPs well know, this is an article I throw at them all the time). Because it’s brilliant. But what a view!  Is he looking at something other than the sky? What else is in this awesome view? Rather than telling us about how amazing it is, it'd be much more effective if you showed us. Roy was the only person stationed at the casino’s great window—a section of the enormous protective dome that enclosed the city—and he was the only one who seemed to care that a world existed beyond the card table and the spinning wheel.  You say “the city,” but what city is this? This would be a good place for some specific grounding details. Below him, on the other side of the dome, mighty ocean waves crashed against formidable cliffs, leaving white pools of foam sloshing around the jagged rocks at the bottom.  The captivating scene was just how Em had described it in a letter once.  But the sky was even bluer than her last picture. If this is the first time Roy’s seen a blue sky in twenty years, then I’m guessing he’s not from this city? So where is he from? What kind of sky is he used to? I don’t recommend you give us a huge info dump or anything, but maybe comparing this view to what he’s used to briefly would help us better understand Roy’s world. 

Two decades had passed since mankind left the planet.  With its dome Fortuna was the only terrestrial city left, and you needed bags of money or a job with the Protectorate government just to get there.  As I mentioned above, I think it’d be more effective to show this information instead, if possible. Though a Sentinel like Agent Barrows never got a day off, an assignment on the planet was almost as good.  As opposed to what? Roy had been sent there for a light security detail to clear his head; and already, as he soaked in the scenery outside and the ambient tunes of a piano across the gambling hall, he was beginning to relax. Wait. If he’s supposed to be security…why is he relaxing? Shouldn’t he be fully alert to his surroundings and looking for a threat? And what is he protecting, exactly? (Again, if you show us this information, it’d be much better than telling us).  

At length the stage drew Roy’s full attention when the piano flourished and a deep voice announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, tonight’s entertainment: Emiline Gray!

The biggest red flag to me is, as I said earlier, nothing much really happens in your opening. Combine that with the mini-info dump, and I would probably be anticipating a pass if I saw this in the slush. I think you can probably fix this by possibly starting a little later in the scene, and by taking the information you tell the reader in this opening and showing us instead. In the end, of course, it’s 100% up to you what changes you do or don’t make (remember—it’s your story!), but those would be my recommendations. 

Thanks for sharing your first 250, Nathan! 

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Twitter-sized bite: 

.@Ava_Jae talks choosing the right place to start your WIP & filter phrases in the 4th Fixing the First Page crit. (Click to tweet)