Fixing the First Page Feature #3

Photo credit: n0brein on Flickr

All right! So as these things go, I’m going to start off by posting the full 250 excerpt, then I’ll share some overall thoughts, then my redline critique. I absolutely encourage all of you to share your own thoughts and critiques (after all, I’m only one person with one opinion), as long as it’s polite, thoughtful and constructive. Any rude or mean comments will be deleted.

Let’s go!

Title: THE SILENT WORLD 

Genre/Category: YA Post-Apocalyptic 

First 250:

David paced the apartment, cradling his infant cousin. She had stopped crying, too exhausted and miserable to do anything but lie in his arms. Barely two weeks since her mother died and already he was struck with the horrible conviction that he had failed her. 

There were three cans of green beans but that didn't help: the baby was too little to eat canned food. He peered out the window. The streets were quiet right now, but he could smell smoke.  David didn’t want to go outside, but he had no choice—he needed to get formula for the baby. He could survive longer without food than she could. He fashioned a sling to carry his cousin, then packed his meager possessions: the cans of green beans, a can opener, a flashlight, a Swiss Army knife, and a photo album. 

He didn't need to be told about all the dangers that waited outside the complex’s iron gates. Every day, the air echoed with gunfire; thick, grey smoke rose. David took a deep breath and peered through the bars as the wind whipped through the gates. The sky was ash-grey—it smelled of smoke and decay. He reached for the Super's keys and stepped through the gates, making sure to lock them behind him. 

Though David had lived in this city since he was ten, he felt like a stranger, as he walked the twisting streets. He had been away too long, hiding with Mai in the Heavenly Hills apartment complex.

Okay, so an overall note that you (and other YA Post-Apoc writers) will hopefully find helpful: thus far, just about every time I’ve seen a YA Post-Apocalyptic (or dystopia that happens to be post-apocalyptic) submission, it’s started with characters thinking about how little food they have and how they need to endanger themselves to feed their families. This isn’t inherently bad, per say, but the problem is a) most times, it opens with the characters not doing anything, just thinking about how they’re hungry/don’t have food/need to do something etc. and b) it’s done a lot. Whenever you have an opening that follows a pattern often seen for the genre (or in general) it’s much harder for you to stand out, so that’s something to think about.

Now the in-line notes:

David paced the apartment, cradling his infant cousin. She had stopped crying, too exhausted and miserable to do anything but lie in his arms. Barely two weeks since her mother died and already he was struck with the horrible conviction that he had failed her. I’m guessing you mean the cousin’s mother, but it’s not clear who “her” is in this sentence.
Another note on the first paragraph: as far as hooks go, I think this could be stronger. Yes, we feel a little sympathetic for David and his baby cousin, but as is, there isn’t anything there that really grabs me as a reader. Whether you want to achieve that by changing where it starts, adding more to the voice or something else is up to you, but I’d recommend testing different openings with betas to try to figure out how best to hook your readers.  

There were three cans of green beans but that didn't help: the baby was too little to eat canned food. He peered out the window. The streets were quiet right now, but he could smell smoke.  Two notes here: 1) What does it look like when he peeks outside? You give us auditory information (it’s quiet) and olfactory information (it smells like smoke), but what does he see? We don’t even know the time of day here. 2) This is a bit of a technicality, but how does he smell smoke if he’s standing inside? Is the window open? If so, is the air outside cold? Stifling hot? David didn’t want to go outside, but he had no choice—he needed to get formula for the baby. He could survive longer without food than she could. Do you think you could show us some of this information through his thoughts and actions, rather than telling us? He fashioned a sling to carry his cousin, then packed his meager possessions: the cans of green beans, a can opener, a flashlight, a Swiss Army knife, and a photo album. Can you give us more details? Are these new items? Rusty, old, falling apart items? A mix of the two? 

He didn't need to be told about all the dangers that waited outside the complex’s iron gates. Maybe not, but we do. Could you show us some of those dangers? Every day, the air echoed with gunfire; thick, grey smoke rose. David took a deep breath and peered through the bars as the wind whipped through the gates. Is this cold wind? Hot wind? The sky was ash-grey—it smelled of smoke and decay. He reached for the Super's keys and stepped through the gates, making sure to lock them behind him. Which are where? Hidden somewhere? In his pocket? Somewhere else? 

Though David had lived in this city since he was ten, he felt like a stranger, as he walked the twisting streets. He had been away too long, hiding with Mai in the Heavenly Hills apartment complex.

As far as this opening goes, I think you may want to consider starting a little later on. As is, the pace is a little on the slower side, and as I mentioned above, I think you could use a stronger hook. My guess is the pace increases as he wanders the street searching for food and something happens? Or something else, but I think it would benefit you to consider starting maybe a little later on.

If I saw this in the slush, I would probably anticipate a pass, but I think this is a relatively easy fix after you figure out where best to start your story, assuming you decide to change it. (In the end, of course, it’s absolutely up to you—it’s your story!).

Thanks for sharing your first 250, Jenny!

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Twitter-sized bite: 

Writer @Ava_Jae talks pacing and choosing the right place to start your book in the third Fixing the First Page critique. (Click to tweet)