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| Photo credit: bittermelon on Flickr |
Let’s begin!
Title: FATHERS AND FENDER GUITARS
Genre/Category: YA Contemporary
First 250:
As I waited in the doorway of Rusty’s Dive Bar, Greg the bouncer, and I had become friends. I’d learned about his five cats, his next tattoo, and now, dating advice. “If he ain’t on time, you can’t trust him with a dime.”
“Whitman’s running late. He’ll be here before the band starts.” I resumed twisting one of my red curls around a finger. Since I wasn’t old enough—or allowed to—drive at night, I’d gotten dropped off with plenty of extra time. “So, which of your cats is the nicest?”
Before he could answer, the bar’s radio blasted a Union Juliet song. I winced. Greg apologized. “Sorry, dearie. They too rowdy for you?”
“I don’t like punk rock.”
“You’re missing out. Back in the day, Union J played the straight up truth.”
The kids tagging one of Cleveland’s many abandoned buildings next to us must have been inspired by the song, because he started to spraypaint Union Juliet’s logo. IAO, FAA. Two sets of three letters, crossing at the letter A.
As the tagger circled the A with red paint, changing it from a letter to a political sign, someone shouted my name—or rather the name I’d been using for the last eight months.
“Elaine Nickels!”
Bouncer Greg elbowed me. “He’s here!”
“That’s not my boyfriend.” I said.
The approaching voice shouted my name again. Logan. Seeing him was all I needed to bolt away from the bar, running until I could no longer hear the song.
Hmmm okay. So overall I think this is a solid start, but it could use a lot more detail and sensory imagery so the readers can really get a feel of the scene, the surroundings, etc. Rusty’s Dive Bar sounds like it could be a really interesting and unique setting, so I’d love to see more about it so I could really get into the character of the place. I like how at the end we start getting a sense of the tension that’s to come, and I’m definitely curious about Logan and why Elaine’s initial instinct is to run. I’m also curious about why Elaine changed her name. But overall, it’s definitely not a bad start—I just think it could use a little extra oomph added to it.
Now the in-line edits:
As I waited in the doorway of Rusty’s Dive Bar, Greg the bouncer, and I had become friends. Copyediting is not my area of expertise, but the commas are definitely tripping me up in this first sentence, particularly around “Rusty’s Dive Bar, Greg the bouncer, and I….” I’d learned about his five cats, his next tattoo, and now, dating advice. How does she feel about the dating advice (and cats and tattoo stories)? This would be a good opportunity to give us some of your protag’s personality. “If he ain’t on time, you can’t trust him with a dime.”
“Whitman’s running late. He’ll be here before the band starts.” I resumed twisting one of my red curls around a finger. Since I wasn’t old enough—or allowed to—drive at night, I’d gotten dropped off with plenty of extra time. I’m not sure what you’re trying to imply with the "allowed to" aside. As for the second bolding in that sentence, does that mean she’s been waiting a long time? How does she feel about Whitman’s lateness? Again, if you give us some insight as to what’s going on in her head, we can really learn a lot about your protagonist’s personality. This is a huge part of voice, which is extremely important in YA (particularly Contemporary). “So, which of your cats is the nicest?”
Before he could answer, the bar’s radio blasted a Union Juliet song. I winced. Greg apologized. “Sorry, dearie. They too rowdy for you?”
“I don’t like punk rock.”
“You’re missing out. Back in the day, Union J played the straight up truth.”
The kids tagging one of Cleveland’s many abandoned buildings next to us must have been inspired by the song, because he started to spraypaint Union Juliet’s logo. Spray paint is two words. IAO, FAA. Two sets of three letters, crossing at the letter A. Is this two different logos? Or are all six letters layered over each other? I’m having a little trouble picturing this.
As the tagger circled the A with red paint, changing it from a letter to a political sign, someone shouted my name—or rather the name I’d been using for the last eight months. Be specific—I assume you’re referring to the anarchy moniker with the political sign reference, so say so. “Elaine Nickels!”
Bouncer Greg elbowed me. “He’s here!”
“That’s not my boyfriend.” Comma, not period should be after “boyfriend.” I said. This would be a good place to start to give us a taste of how she’s feeling upon realizing the person who’s calling her is not someone she wanted to see. Give us some physical, visceral reactions so we can really feel her emotions.
The approaching voice shouted my name again. A mini-description of the guy coming over would be helpful here, so we can picture him. Logan. Seeing him was all I needed to bolt away from the bar, running until I could no longer hear the song. Give us some description—does she have to push through a crowd to get away? Does she run past the taggers in the alley? Down the street? Is it hot? Cold? Rainy? Muggy? Some sensory images would be great here.
Like I said above, this is a good start, but it needs some filling in. With some extra sensory details, we’ll really be able to get a better picture so we can experience what the protagonist is experiencing. If I saw this in the slush, I’d probably keep reading, though I’d already be thinking that if there isn’t much more description, it’s probably going to be a pass. In order for readers to connect to a story, they need to be able to become completely immersed in the writing, and that’s difficult to do without enough imagery.
It doesn’t have to be a lot (and in fact, it shouldn’t be a lot). But a few sprinkles here and there of telling details will really help to make this shine.
Thanks for sharing your first 250, Carrie Ann!
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Twitter-sized bite:
Writer @Ava_Jae talks sensory details and imagery in openings in the second Fixing the First Page critique. (Click to tweet)
Hmm, in my opinion, I'd be curious to know why such a young girl is at a bar. Also, how could she cram more setting into only 250 words? Maybe if she didn't name the bouncer, or cut some of the dialogue about cats?
ReplyDeleteGreat point! I'd actually thought of the bar thing afterward, though I'm guessing that may be explained later on.
ReplyDeleteAs far as setting, she doesn't need to cram, per say. Adding setting would shift a lot of this out of the first 250 (so it wouldn't end in necessarily the same place). But I do think she could probably safely cut some of the dialogue if she wanted to try to end around the same spot.
I'm gonna agree with the comments made so far by Ava and Natasha about why she's at a bar and adding some sensory descriptors, but I would also add the first line as a flag for me. In my opinion, starting with the "As I" feels a little weaker than it needs to be. What if you changed it around to become:
ReplyDeleteGreg the bouncer and I had become friends. Waiting in the doorway of Rusty’s Dive Bar, I’d learned about his five cats, his next tattoo, and now dating advice.
Just a thought. Overall I think it's a strong opening, leaving the reader asking all the right questions.
I like that edit! Great suggestions all around, Sioux. Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDelete